[Children of Gods] Birth of a Hero

[HarryE]

So, I've been writing a short story based around my game, [Children of Gods] The Legacy of Zagolth. For those of you who don't know about it, here's a short paragraph to explain it.

Spoiler: Backstory

Everyone knew the tale of Antoinne Ertonsey. During the reign of Zagolth, a dark, evil magician, the world had existed not as country but as a series of small lands. After Zagolth had fallen, Antoinne Ertonsey had gathered all the rulers of these lands and united them under one flag, the flag of Grand Haven. Several other lands did the same, such as the Kingdom of the Hogs, San Halso. San Halso’s borders cut off a part of Grand Haven from the rest of the Kingdom. This small part went under the name of Alenta.

Here's the actual story itself. As I say, it's based around my game, and takes place twenty-three years before the game starts. This is a side project, and if anyone can provide some helpful feedback or pointers, then they are more than welcome. Thankyou.

Spoiler: The Beginning

Christopher looked down at the mess. How had it come to this? This was their warning to him, and it only said one thing, ‘We’re coming for you,’

His brother in-law’s cold blue eyes stared up at the ceiling, completely motionless. The blood had dried around him. Deun only knew how long he had been like this. Andrew Resean had lived a perfectly innocent life. He never went anywhere near the life Christopher had found himself in. How could his life have ended like this?

Christopher looked up at his wife, Jane. She hadn’t moved since she saw the body. She was just standing in the doorway, her teary eyes staring at her brother on the floor and her sleek, black hair fallen across her face. Christopher closed Andrew’s eyes and then moved over to his wife. His stomach felt as if there was a heavy rock at the bottom of it. He knew that this was all his fault. If it weren’t for him, Andrew would still be alive.

If it weren’t for him, he, Jane and their unborn child would not be running for their lives.

Christopher looked down at Jane’s body, and ran his hand over the lump in her stomach. How could this baby she was carrying come into the world knowing what his father was responsible for? How this devastation had been his fault?

Jane pushed away from the door, leaving Christopher’s hand suspended in the air. She walked quickly down the corridor, and out of the front door.

“Jane, no!â€

 

[Neverplayd]

Woah, long story. You might want to put it in multiple spoilers. I only read the first part for now, but I'll critique what I've read so far.

I didn't get too involved into the story the first time I read it (or the first part atleast). You could add a sort of summary of what would happen in the first part in the summary, like the character standing there before reverting to a flashback. Also, there doesn't feel like there is much setting. That could be the style you wanted to write the piece in, but when I read, there wasn't much to draw me into the atmosphere and it left me using the little knowledge I have about your game (though I've been meaning to play it), and the small details you give, like the gun signifies that this is not very far back in time. There were a few typos(like "sturck") and dialogue errors and also sometimes you stuck an adverb at the end of a dialogue statement, like "he said" or "she said". Not really bad, since many people (including me) do it a lot of times, but you want to avoid it when the dialogue already clearly explains how the character is feeling (like when you used "calmly" after "he said", I felt it ruined the professionalism).