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Chains of Honor - Main Story Concept (Please Read/Comment)

Nolund

Sponsor

This is a project I have had in the works for nearly a year. It is still in the "concept" stages because frankly, I am going to be a perfectionist with this title. This has been something I have been very much looking forward to creating, and I want to make the best game I possibly can.

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Standing against tyranny may be madness, but it is a step toward freedom. If our deaths must come, let it be a death of our own choosting.


Intro

To the ancient civilizations it was called Daer'mon. To the cave dwelling dwarves it was the Kaalerdonal. Humans had no name for it, for humans were too young of a race to have seen the destruction it brought. Humans did not comprehend what it was.

---


Holan Razaen looked at the city as the cold wind stabbed at him. He could have been naked for the good his cloak was doing. Was winter on his doorstep early this year? No, that couldn't be it. It was far too early for the winter chill. The harvest was not yet for another tenday or two. He should have another cycle of the moon before the winter preparations. This wind was not the coming of winter. It was too...unnatural. But what could it mean?

Razaen was a cautious man. It was his skilled planning and care for his people that had brought Kal'ero to greatness. And this wind brought him a sense of unease. Something was coming. And he needed to be ready.

---


Kamiil Vasquez stood naked outside his tent, welcoming the cold night air. It was a good sign. Asal'on had finally answered him.

It had been years since he had any good news. How long had it been since he had ravaged the seas as the greatest of the pirate lords? A decade?

He had used a different name then. But then, he had gone by more than two dozen names in his unnaturally long life. He was getting old, even by elvish standards. And yet he still retained the speed and strength of youth.

You're no longer an elf, he reminded himself, you have evolved. You are above the elves and the other lesser races.

He did not yet know what he was, or the limits of his body, but he was constantly testing them. The elvish champions fell at his feet, the closest thing he had to a worthy opponent in nearly seven years. Yet they could not best him in battle. Was he immortal, doomed to linger on this land for eternity, searching for an adversary worthy of a death by his blade?

No. He could not be immortal. How many times had he narrowly escaped death while in battle? Strong as he was, he was still mortal. And alone he was vulnerable. Too many lords had sent bounty hunters after him. How much was his head worth now?

It mattered not, because he could defeat any opponent in single combat, of that he was certain. But to complete his plans he needed allies. Surely he could find some lords among the humans ambitious enough to join him. The promise of power had changed stronger races than the lowly humans. And with Asal'on guiding him, he could not lose. All he needed to do was please her. And from the whispers in his ears, she liked his plans.

His people had called it Daer'mon. The Whisper of Death.

Prelude

Dark days came to Kal'ero. Vasquez, having formed the Council of Seekers, marched onto the capital city with an army of six lords. Vastly outnumbered, Holan Razaen fled the castle, and assembled the Kal'eron army to various outposts around the kingdom.

For ten long years, Razaen and his men made use of guerrilla warfare, ambusing raiding parties and supply wagons, trying to weaken Vasquez's forces. They had the support of the people, but as the riots began, so did the murders. The support soon became less vocal. As time went on, it became no more than a prayer. Few were brave enough to openly support Razaen, and fewer joined the ranks of the army.

To make matters worse, it seemed as though Vasquez was able to conjure soldiers from the wind. If Kal'ero was to be free once more, Vasquez would need to fall in battle.

On the Plains of M'hae, Razaen called Vasquez to battle. The Kal'erons were outnumbered, but they believed they could attain victory. They believed that somewhere in the heavens the gods still looked down at the world, and that they would guide them to victory.

But it seemed as though the world itself was against them. Lightning struck down from the sky, and heavy winds carried enemy arrows twice their normal distance, while making a natural barrier for Vasquez's troops. Though they fought valiantly, the Kal'erons were defeated. Halon Razaen, and all of his heirs were killed, and their bodies were left to rot in the sea of grass.

A decade has passed, and Kal'ero is slowly dying. Her people are starving, and sickness becomes a growing concern. The world Kal'ero once knew is gone, and the one that replaced it is sucking the life from the people. The gods were gone, and Halon Razaen was no more. Though rebels still fought against Vasquez, they were scattered and leaderless.

Hope was lost.

Soon, all of Kal'ero shall perish.

Story

Kal'ero is dying. The people grow sick and weary, as Vasquez continues to demand high taxes, and arrests those who cannot pay. Any who openly oppose the new rule are viewed as traitors and executed.

The town of Rilan has been hit harder than most. Never a very prosperous town, it has long had to lean on its community to survive. Those that were unable to pay the taxes get helped by those that have coin to spare, and the townsfolk look after one another.

One such townsfolk is a man named Feldiir. Though he is not the magistrate or the wisest of the townsfolk, the people see him as their leader. Feldiir works hard to support the town, as the main hunter, and only real defense against any bandits that might happen to come across the town.

While on a hunt one day, Vasquez's troops come to collect the taxes, and being to beat a sick, elderly man. Feldiir's wife Rose comes to the man's aid, and in return, the troops turn on her. Feldiir returns to the village empty handed, only to see his beloved wife killed in front of him.

Enraged, Feldiir turns on the soldiers, and manages to slay them.

Spiralling into a state of apathy, Feldiir buries his wife.

Feldiirs actions inspire the people of Rilan to stand up against Vasquez, but Feldiir wants nothing to do with a rebellion. He wants revenge on Vasquez for taking his wife from him, and vows that he will not die until he has become a free man.

Note: this section needs to be reworked. Though this is generally how the story will go (as far as Rose being murdered, and Feldiir wanting revenge) there are major changes to the storyline being implemented to stem away from being overly cliche. I am just figuring out how to implement them. For the most part, the game will start rather cliche, but as the plot thickens, it will become less cliched.

Character BIOSes

Vasquez was born an elf, over seven centuries ago. His true name has been lost with the ages, and he takes on new identities as he needs to. He is most renown among the world as the pirate lord Kiingal.

Vasquez lived in a time when the gods still existed among the world. He was a skilled fighter, even by elvish standards, but he was not kind hearted like his brethren. He believed that only through battle could one grow stronger, and that the elves were below him for not believing so. He believed he was above them, and though he looked and spoke as an elf should, that he was a higher being.

He was exiled by the elves and ventured the world, growing stronger with each battle. He did not fight for bloodlust. He fought only to grow stronger. He wished to one day find an adversary that could match him in battle, but that day did not come.

When the gods abandoned the world, he believed it was because they deemed the races of the world unworthy. They were soft, content with lives of mediocrity, while he starved for greatness. Soon after the gods' departure, he met the entity Asal'on. She did not claim to be a god, but she had powers that no mortal could ever have. She morphed Vasquez into something else. He was no longer an elf, yet he retained his elvish stealth and speed. There was no name for his new form. He was just a higher being.

For the next century, Vasquez has spent his life pleasing Asal'on, believing that she is a true god. She speaks to him on the wind, telling him what directions to take.

Vasquez's words are poison, and the ambitious and cruel fall easy prey to him. He is a master of manipulation, and he helped him to surround himself with six powerful lords. Slowly, he is draining them of their resources, paying them the taxes he takes from the people of Kal'eron, but as he fills the purses of his allies, the Council of Seekers is slowly drifting apart, but the soldiers are remaining loyal to Vasquez alone. Soon, he will have an army large enough to conquer the world, completing the plans Asal'on wishes of him.

Feldiir was born in the village of Rilan. He is a strong man, and the people look to him for strength in times of need. He is not the magistrate, but he is the widely accepted leader of the small community.

When he returns to the village to find his beloved wife Rose murdered by Vasquez's men, he becomes enraged, striking down the soldiers, causing an indirect reaction from the rest of Rilan. Seeing Feldiir's pain evolve into strength, the citizens of Rilan wish to join the rebellion. Feldiir wants no part in a rebellion, wishing only to avenge his wife.

But deep in his heart, Feldiir can sense the change in the world. The sickness and starvation is no coincidence. He knows it must be linked to Vasquez somehow; that he is somehow sucking the very life from the land. It is a land that Feldiir loves, and a land that Rose loved more than he. He vows to free the land from Vasquez's grasp, and promises Rose that he will return to her arms when he is a free man. But until that day, he asks her to wait for him, and to guide him along his travels.

He doesn't consider himself a leader, and he knows he is no match for a trained soldier, but somehow he must find a way to defeat Vasquez, and bring freedom back to the people of Kal'ero. He adopts the red hawk as his standard, and fights in the name of Holan Razaen, the true king of Kal'ero.

Gameplay

While the overall storyline is pretty cliche, the game will feature many aspects that will create a unique gaming experience. Chains of Honor will exhibit as unique of a story as I can create, with well developed characters that players will (hopefully) enjoy both playing as, and against.

There are two possible battle systems I have in mind. Both will have unique aspects that will only be seen in CoH, without having to create two systems completely from scratch.

The first battle system in mind is an isometric system that will be very traditional. The look and feel will be like that of any other game with a standard battle system, but with enough ingenuity to keep players interested. I'm hoping to have completely custom battlers, backgrounds, and animations. If all goes as planned, this battle system will be very much eye candy.

The second battle system is an adapted tactical battle system, which will likely require most of the coding from scratch. It will not be the typical Fire Emblem looking system, though there will be similarities.

Once I am finished with the actual story, I'll have a better sense of what I am leaning towards.

The Class System in CoH is one that I very much look forward to implementing. Depending on how I decide to do the game (TBS vs standard BS) this could change slightly. However, either way, there will be a number of possible classes for each character, each with their own tech skill (essentially an Overdrive system) and pros/cons. It will allow for a lot of customization from the player to create a party that best fits their playing style.

If there's one thing I am going to do my absolute best at, it's making sure that CoH has completely custom graphics. We will be 100% RTP free, and creating a look and feel that will be unique to this game. As I said at the start of this post, I am going to be a perfectionist on this title, and I want to create the absolute best game I can. I have this belief set in me that if I am going to go all out (which I am doing on this project), then I want to have completely custom graphics as well.

As with the graphics situation, CoH will hopefully have some custom music that you won't find anywhere else. No rips, RTP, or anything. This means that this project will likely hit more snags than I anticipate (and I anticipate quite a few), but if the final outcome is what I envision it to be, it will be well worth it.

As I said before, I hope to create characters in this game that people will remember. I might be setting the bar too high, but I want to have that Sora feel to my characters, where people fall in love with the characters. I want to evoke emotion from a player. I have a storyline that can make you laugh, and it can make you cry. But if you don't get attached to the characters, what good is the story?

Some people base their game on music, others mapping or scripts. Some games are story driven. This game is going to be character driven.

--------------------------------------

This is all I have to post right now. It's about 3:24 AM so I will likely go over this post again and make my story/prelude bits much more to my usual standard (I see them as sloppy and bland right now). I will also add character details in the near future, as I am almost done with them.

If you've made it this far, I thank you for reading this thread. I know it's a fair bit of text, and it's going to have a lot more in the coming days.

Cheers.

Nolund
 
Ok, dude, that storyline, as you yourself said, is cliched. I mean, if you've read eragon/eldest, then the similarities, not including the dragons, are astounding, but compared to how galbatorix was made in eragon, yours sounds subpar. nevertheless, the story itself is average, exactly that. it could be worse, and it could be better. being that the title for this topic advertised "main story concept", I'm disappointed, sorry about that. add something more that's a bit original or something we could latch on to.

ex:
the villain, vasquez, just seems like some evil greedy guy that's just smart/powerful/lucky enough to get onto the throne. Although I'm sure you'll eventually explain it within the project, I find it strange that some terrorizing pirate can easily surround himself with lords and take over a entire prospering country.
Also, Suddenly, because of some bad guy on the throne, the entire empire turns bad? I really dislike that part of jrpgs empires. It also uses the kings- good, empire-bad thing, which is really just blatant here.
Which leads to empires and democracies: just cause a country's a democracy, that doesn't mean it's good, like kalero at the beginning, and not all empires are evil and bad.
The whole tax thing... yeah, I can sorta get that, but some guy smart enough to take over a whole damn country is smart enough to realize that taxes that hard would set off rebellions very quickly, especially since they know that before he came into power they were prospering. I mean, vasquez is a jackass and all, but still... How much money do you freaking need?

The main character sounds like an okay guy so far. I notice the choice of words you are using: "spiraling into a state of apathy." Does this mean that the main character slowly becomes amoral in everything he does? Will he do everything for the sake of revenge? is he still going to be a "good" guy at the end or what? The wife dying would be a pretty radical choice(not that I can talk, I'm doing something exactly like that for my own project...). Getting killed works, but that resulting apathy could turn the main character into someone the player wouldn't like; killing whoever just to achieve his goal. I think her getting kidnapped would get the MC just as riled up, but still keep him heroic enough to let the player like/sympathize/empathize with him.

I know that that was just a eff load of criticisms and crap, but it's main cause I'm just so pissed off right now I feel like having an ulcer and this is a good way of channeling my anger. Despite all the things I find annoying about it, I do feel like it's an okay project. There's only so many things you can put into a description like yours, so in the end, all of my criticisms could be beat with proper storytelling, if you can do that.
 

Nolund

Sponsor

Forgive me for not quoting you on this one, but you have an awful lot to say, and I don't have anything I can really counter point for point. So let's save up some forum space, alright? (That made me sound like a bit of a douche, but meh, oh well).

First off, the post is going to be updated soon. I'm a bit swamped right now, having a lot on my plate, but I want to update the first post soon (likely later today unless the meeting I'm waiting on happens, at which point it might get put off a few days depending on my work schedule). I never read Eragon so I wouldn't know the story, but I appreciate that you told me its similar. Means I can tweak my storyline a bit.

Looking over what you posted, I realized I did a poor job on the history and backstory of the game. Once I fix it up most of your questions will be answered. Basically though, the empire doesn't go bad. It's just a matter of 6 lords vs 1. Not good odds. I'll give some background on Vasquez ASAP as well (I have a good 5 pages worth of notes on him right now, and its mostly point form). The high taxes get explained as well.

As far as Feldiir goes, I wouldn't say he becomes a murderous psychopath hell bent on getting revenge. I have a decent (and I say decent because I will rewrite it until I think it is perfect) monologue in store for him at the end of the prologue that really defines him as a character. Perhaps a sense of apathy is the wrong wording, but it was late last night, and I couldn't even remember the word ambitious, so you'll have to bare with me for a little bit.

I need to get to bed now, but depending on my schedule tomorrow, I'll hopefully get some time to fix this up a bit. The overall story is going to end up cliche (because let's face it, if it didn't work, it wouldn't have become a cliche in the first place), but this game isn't going to be made by the story. I'm going to do everything I can to make it unique, and as I said above, thanks for letting me know the story is the same as Eragon, but yeah...tough to make unique games anymore. Possible, but tough.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback Dax, it's much appreciated.
 

Nolund

Sponsor

Okay, I added an "Intro" and "Character BIOSes" section, as well as rewrote the "Prelude" section.

I know it still seems a bit cliche, and I have plans to stem away from that (at least a little bit). I have made some minor changes to the story already (making Vasquez an elf, adding the departure of the gods) and they will morph into bigger things as I rework the main storyline.

Daxisheart, hopefully I answered most of your questions, at least briefly. This thread still has a lot of work to be done on it, but I am glad you gave me your feedback. My story isn't set in stone and I will never say "it hath been written, so it hath been done!" I am always open to suggestions and criticism, no matter how seemingly harsh.

I know that first post is a lot of reading, and I warn you, it's just going to get worse.
 
Okay for one there was a very sudden shift into the supernatural and fantasy land that I admit I didn't see coming, at least that blatantly, although I guess the high fantasy names were sort of a hint.

What irks me most about the sudden introduction to fantasy in this is the title: chains of honor. I see a story about marines/army guys going to war, fighting and helping each other out and the atrocities displayed there, rather than what is displayed here, which is rebellion and vengeance against a very villainous foe. The motivation for the main character, his wife's death, which seems to catalyze his involvement in the entire plot, really wouldn't be adequately/properly described with "chains of honor"

It is a land that Feldiir loves, and a land that Rose loved more than he. He vows to free the land from Vasquez's grasp, and promises Rose that he will return to her arms when he is a free man. But until that day, he asks her to wait for him, and to guide him along his travels.

Wait, does this mean she die or not? Or does it mean he'll kill himself or something? Sorry but that part was way too unclear/contradictory.

That first intro scene was nice. Although way too short, it would have been cool to see that in a book. I take it that it's a plot hooker or whatever? I never did get why people did that; understood why, but never got it. It was cool.

Everything okay, not too much to comment on; like I said, how this can be played out, whether it be good or bad, is gonna depend completely on story telling, how characters react, etc. Will this take a fantasy path, playing on its backstory in the end? will it end with vasquez's death and the restoration of the kingdom, making the game a mostly political rebellion rpg? It's up to you, what you have seems to allow lots of variations and whatever, which is pretty good in my opinion.

This game is gonna take a long, long time to make, ain't it? no rtp of any kind? damn, I would never be that ambitious, but good luck to youse.

I recommend a tactical battle system if you're divided on what type to do. Above all, the fantasy part seems more backstory than anything, and it so very obvious to see how feilddill(Main character. his name's a bit ~~~ to remember) can act upon this and whatnot. Otherwise, it'll just be some sortseems to be a sorta political miltiary thing for the most of it; the guerrila warfare and rebellion and all.

Sorry if my post starts one topic and then talks about an entirely differnet thing. I post like that, whatever comes to mind.
 

Nolund

Sponsor

Daxisheart":z4pbj9wj said:
What irks me most about the sudden introduction to fantasy in this is the title: chains of honor. I see a story about marines/army guys going to war, fighting and helping each other out and the atrocities displayed there, rather than what is displayed here, which is rebellion and vengeance against a very villainous foe. The motivation for the main character, his wife's death, which seems to catalyze his involvement in the entire plot, really wouldn't be adequately/properly described with "chains of honor"

Well, the title is a bit of a metaphor. As the game roles on, and you see Feldiir's development, you'll begin to see why the title was chosen. I'd explain it better, but frankly, I wouldn't know how without writing a novel for this game (which will likely end up happening somewhere down the road), based on what needs to happen and how long it takes to happen.

Daxisheart":z4pbj9wj said:
It is a land that Feldiir loves, and a land that Rose loved more than he. He vows to free the land from Vasquez's grasp, and promises Rose that he will return to her arms when he is a free man. But until that day, he asks her to wait for him, and to guide him along his travels.

Wait, does this mean she die or not? Or does it mean he'll kill himself or something? Sorry but that part was way too unclear/contradictory.

I kind of touched on it in the Prelude, but Kal'ero was a country that still believed the old gods are somewhere in the heavens, looking down on the world. As it shall be explained, they will be the only kingdom in the world with this belief (and it is explained that this is the reason why Vasquez targets Kal'ero as his starting point).

When he asks her to wait for him, he means before she ventures into the afterlife. She is most definitely dead. There will be no complete curveball plot twists where she comes back to life.

Daxisheart":z4pbj9wj said:
That first intro scene was nice. Although way too short, it would have been cool to see that in a book. I take it that it's a plot hooker or whatever? I never did get why people did that; understood why, but never got it. It was cool.

Initially I was going to right the Intro and Prelude as more of a novel, but I realized that since the Prelude takes place over a war, that it would take a wee bit too much to write. I have an idea for it, and I'll likely add it in as a bonus read (because let's face it, how much do people really WANT to read in a concept development thread).

I put it in there to try and set the tone and give some character info on Vasquez. I like to mix things up a bit so that people aren't just reading boring text all the time. I like to think I'm a decent writer, so I figured it would be the right change for the norm for people.

Daxisheart":z4pbj9wj said:
Everything okay, not too much to comment on; like I said, how this can be played out, whether it be good or bad, is gonna depend completely on story telling, how characters react, etc. Will this take a fantasy path, playing on its backstory in the end? will it end with vasquez's death and the restoration of the kingdom, making the game a mostly political rebellion rpg? It's up to you, what you have seems to allow lots of variations and whatever, which is pretty good in my opinion.

The overall storyline is likely going to take a set path (because Feldiir can't all of a sudden decide he wants to move to another kingdom), but as the game continues, the plot will thicken, forcing different paths players can take. Eventually it will lead to the same finale, but I don't like a set path from A to B. Much more replay value if you add in paths C, D, and E.

Daxisheart":z4pbj9wj said:
This game is gonna take a long, long time to make, ain't it? no rtp of any kind? damn, I would never be that ambitious, but good luck to youse.

Well, this isn't my first project (granted I've had like 4 end prematurely due to computer crashes or moves), but yeah, it's my most ambitious one. I have a clear picture of what I want, and I want to work towards that. Whether that takes me 5 years, or 5 months, I'm going to give it my all to get what I desire.

This was meant to be the headline title for my project team, so it will definitely need the most work.

Daxisheart":z4pbj9wj said:
I recommend a tactical battle system if you're divided on what type to do. Above all, the fantasy part seems more backstory than anything, and it so very obvious to see how feilddill(Main character. his name's a bit ~~~ to remember) can act upon this and whatnot. Otherwise, it'll just be some sortseems to be a sorta political miltiary thing for the most of it; the guerrila warfare and rebellion and all.

Sorry if my post starts one topic and then talks about an entirely differnet thing. I post like that, whatever comes to mind.

I don't think I will end up with a TBS. It's still possible, but with some of the plot changes that I have come up with, the TBS wouldn't be the best fit. I can still change my mind VERY easily (I don't think I'll be ready to start an actual project until the new year, because I at least want to get my intro set into stone). The old plot was much more based around the conflict between Vasquez and the rebels (which include Feldiir), so the TBS was a better fit, but because of the plot twists I plan on throwing at players, I think the original battle system I had planned for this would be the better fit. We'll see though.

Once again, I appreciate the feedback. Asking questions and giving feedback can only help me in the end, so I will definitely be more than willing to take the time to consider anything and everything that is said in this thread.

There's still a lot I need to add into that opening post, and a bit of ironing out to do, but overall, I like the direction this is taking so far.

Cheers.
 

Nolund

Sponsor

Gonna bump this and see if I can get some more feedback. Planning on doing a lot of plot work over the next 2 weeks since there are some major changes that will need to be made, but for the most part I want to get an idea of what people think before I go into that much detail.
 
Oh, woops...sorry about that, I will get those done for you tomorrow when i work on everyone else's. Lol, I am completely sorry about that.
 

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