Bits & Pieces

[dadevvtsvre]

So I've been taking a writing class for the past couple of weeks. I have a lot of future plans with writing and have been tossing around ideas for a novel, but at the moment my writing skill really sucks! I'm really working on trying to get my writing to a place I feel comfortable people reading it, and that's gonna take a lot of work.

I do have a teacher that's going to be critiquing everything I write, and I'm mostly just posting these things to share and see if anybody likes what they see. But if you feel like giving me some advice then by all means, please do!

Basically, this is going to be a thread where I'll dump some of the writing I do.

 

[dadevvtsvre]

Spoiler: Morning on the Expedient

The radiant heat of the morning sun filtered through the porthole, flooding Lewis’ cabin with a piercing yellow glow. Dust floated lazily through the air, illuminated by the invasion of day. Lewis basked in the light, letting it warm his body, the soothing sensation of heat rushing through his veins. He laid back down in his shabby cot, ignoring the painful, lumpy mattress and letting himself enjoy the sun’s rays.

The small, cramped confines of Lewis’ cabin were quiet, save for the rhythmic hum of the airship’s massive engines below. A musty scent permeated the air, accompanied by the slightest hint of metal and rust. The wooden, worn-out floor was practically unrecognizable, hidden under piles of parchment, maps and books. To the average passerby, the room seemed a complete mess; to Lewis, it was perfect.

Lewis, his ragged brown hair dishevelled and his nightwear ragged and unkempt, begrudgingly sat up and focused his attention to the porthole. His view was restricted by the grimy, smeared glass, but he was still able to discern puffs of gleaming white clouds surrounding the airship. Judging by the relative size of the snow-capped mountains thousands of feet below, Lewis estimated that they had to be at least fifteen thousand feet in the air. A knot formed in his stomach, a nauseous sensation that rippled through his body and made the hairs on his skin stand up on end. Lewis had never truly been comfortable with the thought of being up so high. Trying desperately to distract himself, he stood up and shifted his attention instead to what needed to be done for the day.

There was a knock at the door, a clear and purposeful rapping that easily shattered the silence. A voice rang out from behind, a voice that was simultaneously steady and anxious, resolute yet distressed. “Lewis, hurry and get out here.” it announced with a trace of hysteria. “There’s a problem in the engine room.”

Lewis swung open the door, and immediately met the eyes of the speaker. He was dressed from head to toe in formal attire, complete with a buttoned up brown blazer, dainty white SOMETHING gloves and a black cap, embellished with golden embroidery and The Expedient’s insignia. It was the ship’s captain. “I’ll take you to the engine room,” he asstered, and started to walk down the long, narrow corridor that ran through the airship. Lewis went with him.

He followed the captain down the hallway, its lacquered brown sides feeling more oppressive and daunting than ever. It wasn’t long before Lewis noticed a pungent odour penetrating his nostrils, a powerful stinging stench that seemed almost to occupy every nook and cranny on the ship. As they approached the bowels of the ship, the air began to cloud, a hazy grey cloud that penetrated his eyes and forced him to tear up. He could hardly breathe, trying desperately not to inhale the foul gas and the putrid taste on his tongue, a repulsive concoction of burning rubber and rotting corpses. His senses were overwhelmed, and the fumes’ intensity only grew as he and the captain finally came upon the entrance to the engine room. The captain, coughing and struggling to see straight, fumbled for the brass door knob that opened the stout entrance. He hesitated for a moment, then opened the door.

It was fire.

I whipped up this piece a few days ago, haven't really gotten around to editing it yet. The task was to write a short story that really emphasized description, so I had to work hard to try and incorporate the five senses and make vivid imagery. It doesn't help that I suck at description, but I guess this is the only way I'll get better!!

It's some guy on an airship waking up. AND SOMETHING INTERESTING HAPPENS, WOW

 

[bacon]

I think its good. I like how you describe things, but I think you are over-doing it a little bit. Im glad that you have such a wide range of vocab to use in your disposal but it gets rather verbose. Then again, it is a beginning so I dont know. Its not that im saying that its not good, its just that it kind of goes on and on. You dont need to describe every single detail. What I think you should do instead is use it to describe more key aspects and themes. For example, if you look at Lord of the Flies, Golding emphasizes things of importance such as boy's hair to the change over time. If he explained every single detail, these more key and important details would be overlooked. I know you are writing a descriptive essay or story, but just remember by describing everything, its harder for readers to discern foreshadowing, symbols, and themes. Im not saying you are doing it now, but definitely in the future remember this. But I dont know if you are doing a full story or not so I dont know. o:

 

[regi]

I thought I commented on this already but okay

You did pretty well with imagery! One thing you should work on, though, is avoiding lists, unless for syntactic/rhetorical effect. Parts of the story are just crammed with descriptions (e.g. "buttoned up brown blazer, dainty white something gloves, powerful stinging stench"). It's great that you depict such a vivid setting, but, like bacon said, try not to go overboard.

My teachers used to have us do exercises called "show not tell," where we use actions to connote characteristics. For example, you could rewrite:

The small, cramped confines of Lewis’ cabin were quiet, save for the rhythmic hum of the airship’s massive engines below. A musty scent permeated the air, accompanied by the slightest hint of metal and rust. The wooden, worn-out floor was practically unrecognizable, hidden under piles of parchment, maps and books. To the average passerby, the room seemed a complete mess; to Lewis, it was perfect.

as this:

As Lewis maneuvered carefully around piles of parchments, maps, and books, small creaks echoed through the cabin over the rhythmic hum of the airship's massive engines. He paused and inhaled deeply, savoring the musty scent, albeit accompanied by the slightest hint of metal and rust. Surveying the perfectly cluttered space, the sides of his mouth creased into a pleasant smile.

Obviously it's not perfect, and some details don't fit (he didn't move across the room yet), but it was just an example. You can infer from the text that the room is small and cramped and busy from just the first sentence. I liked your last sentence as well, but again, try to demonstrate more than describe. I realize your prompt might have been emphasizing description, but active verbs are a great way to do it as well! Good luck and etc.

 

[dadevvtsvre]

I thought I did a lot of showing instead of telling, I was focusing on it the entire time I wrote ;-;

I agree that I could probably have made things more dynamic. I was focusing too much on making vivid pictures and really getting the imagery down, I guess. gaaah I hate when I get too narrow and focus too much on one thing, thanks for pointing it out because I didn't even notice until now!

I started off with a single sentence and basically went from there so I wasn't really thinking about an actual plot or anything past it, mostly just writing as I went along. I do need to work on my imagery still, making it more dynamic and incorporating it with actions and whatnot. it's easily one of my biggest weaknesses as a writer.

thanks guys!

 

[regi]

Hmm you did have some pretty good examples, I liked the lazy dust and the foul smell of gas. Your imagery and depiction is thorough and excellent. Just focus on broadening to more than just descriptive words (try not to overdo the "adj noun adj noun" pattern).

(by the way... you spelled "odor" wrong... you Canadian you.)

 

[bacon]

Dadevster, if you already havent, I highly recommend you sit down and read Lord Of the Flies. I think its exactly what you need to read.You have the ideas, you are just going a little overboard. LOTF uses description as a tool, not as a sensory. There is always a reason why Golding describes something and the word choice he uses is genius. One example, in the beginning of the book, he compares the island to a ship. Throughout the book, he uses words to create this idea of them being a ship metaphorically. The word choice is a symphony and every word is careful put in place. There is actually a sentence that foreshadows the entire story. Its definitely something you may want to read or re-read, because I think if you carefully analysize the book, it would better your writing skills. It would be most useful to you.