Axelen [Recruiting][Critique Needed]

[Racab]

Recruiting
Mapper
Graphic maker
Critic
Scrrpter

This is my first Rmxp project, on a story I've been working on for a long while now. The Story line was made with Anime in mind, well it's really kinda like an anime script. So its been hard trying to make it in rmxp, because Im really weak at scripting. Anyone out there who can and want to help me with this project is welcome. :-D

Trailer
Prologue Part One
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YIBlmZKCeE

Prologue Part Two
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELu5QUd1V4Q

http://img137.imageshack.us/img137/1614/gallery1136308xqn5.jpg[/img]
http://img137.imageshack.us/img137/1614/gallery1136308xqn5.eb03e78fa7.jpg[/img]“There are only two forces in the world, the sword and the spirit. In the long run the sword will always be conquered by the spirit.â€

 

[dadevvtsvre]

Okaaaay, it'll be nice to read a little more than just your prologue. However, none of the screens are showing up, and when I click the links they bring me to the ImageShack homepage. I suggest using Photobucket, however some use other sites. PB works fine for me.

The story is extremely cliched, and not in a good way unfortunately. Reading the first sentence I already knew what it would be like. The whole "beings coexisting until a god started a war" has been reused far too many times, as well as the "# of places that make the entrance to the other world" thing. As this is your first project it is a bit understandable that the story would be like this, however this is just very cliched and at least one element from your story has been used in way too many RPG's. Now story isn't the strong point of my critical abilities (Members like Guardian are good at that, just see what he said about my game  :lol but even I can tell it's not very good. Now, story isn't everything to a game, and if you can manage to make some fun, memorable gameplay it might not turn out so bad. But if you're not that far into the game already then I think it'd be best to rework it a bit. (this is why making threads in Concept Developement really helps)

Onto the characters. Ventus seems like the typical male protagonist of many RPGs, however, there isn't much info on the characters to begin with, so it's hard to critique. I'd like to know a bit more about their personalities and perhaps physical appearances as well. (and would a ten year old really be able to survive on his own for seven years? I suppose it's possible, but it's very unlikely and improbable. Also, unless it reveals spoilers, why was Ventus exiled from his village?)

Most of the characters don't seem like they'd be really annoying in game, however not many things stand out about them. Add more info instead of just a few sentences and tell us their personalities, physical traits, perhaps even their origins and such.

Woah...that's a lot of credits. O_o It's pretty hard to read, and although it's nice you've listed everyone that's helped you I don't think it's entirely necessary. Of course it's up to you.

Anyway, I've said it many times before, I like seeing people's first games because it sort of shows what kind of game maker they are and if they have some promising concepts. I bid you good luck with this Racab.  :thumb:

 

[Racab]

Thanks a lot for the critique Dadevster. I really appreciate it. I would love it if you could keep looking over my story and helping me out. Oh btw if you're interested in the story, you can check it out at Axelen.weebly.com. I think my full story is decent, I just have a hard time summarizing it lol. thxs

 

[Racab]

shameless bump*

 

[MukanshinBlack]

I don't know how, but I actually read your written story on that website a while ago.  I thought it was mildly interesting and well-written.  I didn't read too far into it that time, but I will later.  I'm a bit tired right now; too tired to leave some good CC so instead I'll leave you some advice:  patience is key.  Bump your thread when it falls too low, but bump with updates.  Whether or not you get advice or comments, work on your game and worry about what we think later.  Wait for people to comment, as soon enough people will.  I think what I'm trying to say is wait a few days before shamelessly bumping.  I'll leave you some CC later, as I'm sure so will others.

 

[Racab]

I'm surprised that you actually read my story haha. The one on the site is old, since it's like 79 pages now, you can imagine how annoying it is to proofread. Since I can't always proofread, there were some minor errors and misunderstandings I cleared up.

 

[Racab]

Placed a link to the prologue, which I uploaded on Youtube. Check it out.

Just added chapter 2-4 on the story. Please look over it.