“Galtor,†Delmer yelled as he came running through a cluster of trees. “There is a fight at camp m’lord.â€
For one, prologues will often get skipped - because a lot of the time, writers will turn them into one big, stupid backstory. This sentence does not encourage me to read the rest of the prologue at all, if at that point I don't put down the book all together and tell myself "ehh, i'll read it another time". Your mix of language is also confusing, as first Delmer addresses Galtor by his name, and then as m'lord. Stick to one type.
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‘Curse the gods,’ Galtor thought to himself as he tied the drawstring on his breeches. “And where is Lane, that freerider has done not much since we picked him up in Neet.â€
Last sentence is terrible. There's no question mark, and thus, it's hard to identify that he is really asking where Lane is. That, and 'freerider' sounds like 'freeloader', which makes it seem cheesy. Almost comical, and it's not a humorous situation, obviously.
“I do not know m’lord,†said Delmer.
Please, do a touch up on your grammar within diologue. It's not...good thus far.
Galtor was becoming irritated with this freerider, but Thaddeus had insisted he come.
Wasn't that already obvious? It also makes it feel like Lane just showed up, which he obviously didn't. Your also throwing out too many characters and places to take in, in such a little time. Do edit.
“My Lord we left the Crest with two and twenty men and after the Freeraders attacked we lost ten my lord. I believe we won’t be so lucky on the marrow.â€
Your language usage is still bothering me. And you threw in yet another place that I know nothing about, so I have zero picture. Also, why did he drop the m'lord thing and went the full blown bit? And yet again, you have a word similar to Freeloader. Ick!
He bit at his lower lip and looked at Delmer, a mere boy of one and five.
This is a man...isn't it? It ruins his personal identity, and the fact I'm not SURE he's a man is also unsettling. Biting your lower lip is a feminine thing to do, remember.
“What do you call a fight boy,†he said as he began to walk back to camp with Delmer close at his heels. “Are they playing a boys game or the game of blood?â€
Atmosphere is ruined by the previous line, and now it sounds like your trying WAYYY to hard to make him sound like a tough guy, and you shouldn't have to. Bland.
Galtor was even more irritated that he had not heard this fight going on. ‘Damn fool, you’re getting to old for this,’ he thought to himself. He noticed he was biting his lower lip again and began to walk at a faster pace. When he reached the edge of camp he could hear the noise better, at first he thought it was the wind or the gods playing a jape on him. Most of the people where in a crowd around someone and yelling curses and small japes.
“Tear it off,†a voice from the crowed shouted.
Still more diologue grammar issues. He noticed he was biting his lower lip...and decided to walk at a faster pace? Is he afraid people are going to catch him biting his lip or something? I would be if I was him, but I can tell that wasn't your desired reaction from the reader. WHOA EDIT. Why would he think it was the wind playing a trick on him, if he's heard a fight going on just after a boy has told him about it? That's just a dumb conclusion, and he seems like a smart enough man - not that his characterization was good to begin with anyway. Very, very weak.
“Hold her arms down,†another said.
Galtor and Delmer stopped at the sound of the word her. Delmer looked at Galtor with eyes as full of fear and cold as ice. All at once the boy seemed to start to sweat as if there was no end to it. “Anaya,†Delmer stammered, attempting to sound strong, but his voice failed him and he sounded more like a scared child.
Why would Delmer stop, he knew it was a girl! There's no reason for him to feign shock. Why is Delmer looking at Galtor with cold eyes? That implies he has a cold personality, not that he's nervous or scared. This whole conversing these two are having - is just ruining what is supposed to be an action-filled situation. Their just going to listen to this fight? That's all? Sit there and look at each other? Why? This is dumb.
Before he could stop Delmer, the boy ran toward the crowd and pulled out a dagger. Galtor began to chase after him, but it was too late. The fool came behind the first man in front of him and slit his throat. He swirled and stabbed another in his belly. As he went to lung at another one of the Freeraders that they took captive, but the freerader swung an ax and slit the boy, shoulder to chest.
“That’s enough,†Galtor boomed and he put his hand close to the hilt of his sword. He walked slowly, never letting an eye fall from anyone. “What is the meaning of this?â€
Wtf? Delmer was nervous like two seconds ago, and now he's going to charge into battle with a knife? LOL. You've ruined his character totally at this point, by his sudden change of courage. Ruined. Oh, so now this 'boy' is a fighter? Lol. Also, he 'lung'? I think you mean lunge. Check your sentences, really. Your trying to create a battle scene in my head, but really...essentially you've failed. It's harsh, and sad - but you did. It feels like your trying to force the action on me - not just give it to me.
He shoved his way through the crowd and saw Anaya on the ground. Her tunic was torn from shoulder to waist and her breeches were no where to be found. She was curled up in a ball trying to hide her maidenhead. Anaya’s eyes had the look of fear in them as she tried to pull her tunic up over her child breasts. “So who started this,†Galtor asked not directing the question at any one person.
Who shoved his way through the crowd? Delmer or Galtor? Your not making who does what apparent, and I don't know what anyone looks like. And, why can we see her eyes if she's curled up in a ball? Wouldn't they be at her knees? The breasts reference also makes me think she may have been raped, but thus far - there's no other evidence of such. Galtor is acting strangely calm for what you tried to make a big ordeal.
“I did,†said Cruz with a hint of a smile. Galtor walked to him and fed him the hilt of his sword in his face.
“What is there to smile about Cruz,†snapped Galtor. “You know the law and penalty for taking the maidenhead of a woman in service of a king!â€
“But that’s just it my lord, I did no such thing,†Cruz said with a smile. Galtor was feeling sick and he wanted nothing more then to spill this mans blood, but he was out numbered and perhaps even out matched. ‘After all I am an old fool,’ he thought.
What the fuck kind of trouble maker just ups and admits he started something like THIS? And do you know there is indeed, a question mark on your keyboard? It really is there, I promise. Poor, poor diologue. Also, he's a lord - not a king; and the rest of the prologue implies she was in service to him. This is confusing. Also, this past thoughts imply that Galtor is somewhat self-absorbed and wouldn't call himself an old fool.
Galtor took a quick look around and thought if he where still in his youth he could take them, but he was a man of more then fifty and three and was not as fast as he used to be. He glanced at Delmer’s lifeless body and the blood soaked ground beneath him. “Tell me Galtor what do you intend to do,†asked Cruz as a small half smile appeared on his face. “Out numbered and out matched?â€
Your repeating yourself, and speaking in ye olde worlde speak when you don't have to. Fifty and three is not neccesary unless someone is actually saying it; you, as the narrator don't speak like that. Poor.
