abreaction's Poems

[action]

WARNING, contains depressing and sometimes confusing content
Please don't just go off an say it's "stupid" or "emo"
Just don't say anything if you want to.


Well, recently, I've been getting more into poems. I write a few every night.
I don't find poems about nature, or love, or anything happy in that case, any bit appealing. I write a bit more dark.

Poems

Spoiler

Seconds go by...
The sky darkens
All the light fades away
Seconds go by...
Shadows spread like sheets
Across the empty canvas
Seconds go by...
'Nothing' replaces everything
Time repeats, but never starts

Spoiler

Life is an endless paradox
Full of constant contradiction
Tortured are we, to face witness to such horor
The many faced enemy,
So may sides, but one evil;
The loaded gun,
The only way out;
The finger on the trigger,
Of the same kind as that is killed;
"The irony!"
One says,
"To see the same kill eachother!"
So many agree, and wonder-
Why must we fight?
What reasons are ours to kill?
The sky roars down upon us,
Dropping the end of hundreds.
Many run for safety, others beg for mercy.
But I simply stare up and say-
"Hello God."

Spoiler

Towers above me,
Seeing all that is.
Their view, the 'scape they see,
I could only wish for.

The people all around,
Smiling to eachother.
Their happiness, their lives profound,
What I can't even touch on...

But why must we live?
If living is but to see it end...
And why do the birds still sing today?
If the sun is not yet shining.

I will update often! Tell me your opinions!
-abreaction

 

[Stardust]

I loved them. :3 I enjoy expressive poetry like this and I really liked the end of the second poem. However, you definitely need to work on your flow. There doesn't appear to be any rhythm to them. Lacking rhythm works when it's intentional sometimes, but in general you should try to create some flow for the reader.

IE: (syllables)

4 - Seconds go by...
4 - The sky darkens
6 - All the light fades away
4 - Seconds go by...
5 - Shadows spread like sheets
7 - Across the empty canvas
4 - Seconds go by...
8 - 'Nothing' replaces everything
7 -Time repeats, but never starts

It started out alright at first, staying in the 4-6 range, but then you had those 3 lines toward the end that were 7/8 that broke it up for me (especially with that 4 in between them).


Some of the views made me laugh. XD

 

[mawk]

Explain your fears to me, so I can act as if I'm listening.

shitty slogan tee material

What we tell another, is only to tell ourselves.

It can, but can't, because it is.

Existence has a meaning, which we quickly come up with an answer to tell ourselves.

totally meaningless, or else just so tangled that they can't communicate anything

one and three are very trite and don't say much. I'm beginning to get suspicious of my habit of ascribing that to every poem I see, but the fact of the matter is it's all been amateur poetry and being trite is an amateur characteristic.

two is much more evocative but still takes the same generically pessimistic cast to it

 

[mawk]

you can write dark stuff without falling back on the same intellectual land that every Myspace poet has set up a tent on

experiment. loneliness, hopelessness, all that can be evoked in a variety of ways, and you don't have to shoot the scene from the perspective of the same depressed and self-obsessed teenager that we've all seen before and grown tired of.

 

[action]

Alright. I've just completely removed the "views." They were somewhat pointless, and alot didn't even make sense...
In my newer poems, I'm trying to get a rhythm to it. I'm not quit straight to the ABAB format (i.e. AABBC, EEFFC, or something like that)
And thanks for the harsh crit, mawk - no not sarcastically. I usually need at least one person to say half of it sucks, so I can get it right.
I'll try to upload another poem tomorrow.

For now,
-abreaction

 

[Venetia]

remember that imagery doesn't have to allude to the subject directly.
remember that you don't have to say words like "dark" or "evil" or "tortured" to express an idea of those symbols.

the best colorful imagery (which is not hackneyed) is that which is probably least thought of, but most apt to the situation.
for instance, typically, we think of the color yellow as a happy or bright color. but when there's a massive forest/city fire, the sky turns yellow.

remember that sometimes it's not the exact actions which happen or the things we say which evoke emotion. typically when you think back on things, on particular hard memories, do you remember obtuse feelings or sentiments, or do you remember incredibly specific things, such as the way the ceiling looked in the morning light, or the sound of footfalls on the porch?
powerful poems usually dwell upon the poet's experience, rather than a very generalized idea.

here's a pretty good example of a well-thought, well-metered poem, about death/sadness/etc.

TINY ACORNS

I hear the birdsong as autumn leaves lay like a chestnut sea,
And gaze with saddened eyes while gentle rain entrances me.
So swift the seasons run this year, so soon the swallows fly,
While church bells toll to summon all for a friend has passed us by.

Oh how the tears do swell with the choir in harmony,
Where angels dwell in every note and where my friend should be.
I dare not glance at others eyes should I feel their pain in me,
This death has shaken all our souls with cold reality.

We stout men of England strong, that grew from soil so rich,
That beat the anvils from our past and learnt their rhythmic pitch,
We walked the path of duty, to earn our right to stay,
But beneath the churchyard yew is where we grudging lay.

What happened to those sunny days and our endless schemes,
When we were tiny acorns amongst a field of dreams.
Wide eyed we raced through life, with our hearts brimming full,
Yet the final flag is a shroud of silk, so harsh and miserable.

Were I to take your hand my friend, were I to grasp it hard,
I'd gladly share half my days though it would mark my card,
Then through the lofty corridors where silent whispers fly,
We'd shout our voices hoarse my friend and laugh until we die.

-Alex I Askaroff

It's not perfect by any measure (but what is?) but it evokes a window into the emotions he is expressing because he is describing this incredibly specific happenstance in such a way that is organic, and resonant with the assumed audience. And it's not melodramatic, it's just expressing a sentimentality through imagery, and the reader empathizes accordingly, without being forced by diction.