ABANDONED Retian - The Gatekeeper ABANDONED
- Thread starter zchin
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Your first screenshot is really empty and plain. Try adding more stuff, pictures on the wall, chairs, etc. It's ok to repeat using one item as long as you do it well.
The second screenie lacks lots of detail, and the path is really straight. Try moving it around more and add more flowers and some grass. Also those trees are not looking good being so symmetrical and into each other like that. Try spreading them around the map.
The third one is overall good shaped but it lacks lots of details. And some trees are looking a little awkward there. Try adding more flowers, grass, weeds. And that path, try fixing it. It's looking weird being cut off like that.
The fourth one is not as lacking, but it lacks details at some parts. Also, the mountain edge is cutting off the flowers.
The last screenshot is my favorite. Nothing much to comment on but try adding details on the lower part of the mountain and adding more to the upper part.
Hope that helped. ^^
The second screenie lacks lots of detail, and the path is really straight. Try moving it around more and add more flowers and some grass. Also those trees are not looking good being so symmetrical and into each other like that. Try spreading them around the map.
The third one is overall good shaped but it lacks lots of details. And some trees are looking a little awkward there. Try adding more flowers, grass, weeds. And that path, try fixing it. It's looking weird being cut off like that.
The fourth one is not as lacking, but it lacks details at some parts. Also, the mountain edge is cutting off the flowers.
The last screenshot is my favorite. Nothing much to comment on but try adding details on the lower part of the mountain and adding more to the upper part.
Hope that helped. ^^
Lazer Kirby
Member
This game looks good. The mapping is detailed and done well, and your storyline seems okay...
lol, you edited your first post 58 times.
lol, you edited your first post 58 times.
SorceressKyrsty
Member
Ok, I haven't played your demo yet, but as a few people have mentioned, your character development is really weak.
A friend of mine on another forum once came up with a great quote "No-one is truly evil". Although many RPG's contradict this, it's a great standing point to look at while developing your characters.
When I read about Roland and Erica, I immediately get a nagging 'WHY?' in my mind. Why exactly are they so determined to take over the other world? What's so good about it? Why is Roland draining Nina's energy instead of unimportant people he DIDN'T adopt? How come Nina stuck around for so long if she was getting abused in that way? Why is Erica corrupt?
I could go on, but yeah. You've probably got answers to all these questions in your mind, but unless you address them in either the storyline of the game or the character's bios, we're not going to know. It sometimes comes as odd that people can't see what you see, but remember, you're the one with the flash light into your story. Us, the players and the readers, are blind to the story, and you have to lead us through it, guiding us as if we were blind folded.
And with the war over the two different worlds, is there something wrong with the initial one? Why are they so desperate to escape their current one? Global Warming? Over population of monsters? It's up to you, but we need to know. Your story is very vague.
Also: Character Ages. Try to think of how old you are now, and estimate what you'll be like when you're their ages (I don't think you're older than your characters, except for the 7-year-old). If you don't see yourself doing what they do in your story, give them another 5 years or so. You may say 'Oh, but...my characters live in the medieval ages, they matured early then right?'
Very true, but mainly because the average life expectancy didn't go past 40 years old! Characters around 20-24 are pretty realistic. They're not going through puberty as an extra hassle, they don't have to worry about a lot of things. With the character you've given Nina, I'd make her a couple of years older. This means she's old enough to be able to properly take care of herself when she passes through to the other world, even if in a mediocre way. I'm nearly 16 myself, and knowing me and people my age, if the sort of thing that happens to Nina happens to me, I wouldn't go out on an epic quest to get revenge.
I'd probably have a mental breakdown, find an inn somewhere, get a job as a NPC waitress, and every night after stealing booze, I'd curl up in the stables next to a horse and cry my eyes out.
Now aside from that, your screenshots look pretty good, though they do come off as 'odd' in some parts. With your dialogue, remember the way a character ought to speak. Try to keep your sentences relatively well-structured, and don't just continue with the same paragraph on and on. Take breaks, take breathers, inserts some 'ums' and 'uhs'. It gives characters personality. Nobody knows exactly what they're going to say when they go into a conversation. No-one rehearses what they're going to say, so remember that. Think of how you might speak to a friend, where you might make up or completely fumble a word and come out with nonsense. This should be done sparingly, but it really gives characters more life, and makes the player think "I remember the other day when I did the same thing...". Relating to characters is what pulls players in.
Also, during dialogue, remember the characters age. Older people have broader vocabularies than young ones, unless they're very smart.
As another note in dialogue, I find the part where the young Nina and Xepher are talking annoying, to say at the least. He jumps from subject point to subject point without waiting for an answer. Between each sentence, Nina should jump in and say something, because that's the point of conversations. People can talk about the same thing for hours at a time! (Though don't do that in the game, because people like to repeat themselves).
Alright, I'm going to stop here. You have a decent game coming along here but it needs flesh and substance to really make it interesting. I hope you take nothing I said as an offense, I am just trying to help you.
Good luck with the rest of your project =D.
A friend of mine on another forum once came up with a great quote "No-one is truly evil". Although many RPG's contradict this, it's a great standing point to look at while developing your characters.
When I read about Roland and Erica, I immediately get a nagging 'WHY?' in my mind. Why exactly are they so determined to take over the other world? What's so good about it? Why is Roland draining Nina's energy instead of unimportant people he DIDN'T adopt? How come Nina stuck around for so long if she was getting abused in that way? Why is Erica corrupt?
I could go on, but yeah. You've probably got answers to all these questions in your mind, but unless you address them in either the storyline of the game or the character's bios, we're not going to know. It sometimes comes as odd that people can't see what you see, but remember, you're the one with the flash light into your story. Us, the players and the readers, are blind to the story, and you have to lead us through it, guiding us as if we were blind folded.
And with the war over the two different worlds, is there something wrong with the initial one? Why are they so desperate to escape their current one? Global Warming? Over population of monsters? It's up to you, but we need to know. Your story is very vague.
Also: Character Ages. Try to think of how old you are now, and estimate what you'll be like when you're their ages (I don't think you're older than your characters, except for the 7-year-old). If you don't see yourself doing what they do in your story, give them another 5 years or so. You may say 'Oh, but...my characters live in the medieval ages, they matured early then right?'
Very true, but mainly because the average life expectancy didn't go past 40 years old! Characters around 20-24 are pretty realistic. They're not going through puberty as an extra hassle, they don't have to worry about a lot of things. With the character you've given Nina, I'd make her a couple of years older. This means she's old enough to be able to properly take care of herself when she passes through to the other world, even if in a mediocre way. I'm nearly 16 myself, and knowing me and people my age, if the sort of thing that happens to Nina happens to me, I wouldn't go out on an epic quest to get revenge.
I'd probably have a mental breakdown, find an inn somewhere, get a job as a NPC waitress, and every night after stealing booze, I'd curl up in the stables next to a horse and cry my eyes out.
Now aside from that, your screenshots look pretty good, though they do come off as 'odd' in some parts. With your dialogue, remember the way a character ought to speak. Try to keep your sentences relatively well-structured, and don't just continue with the same paragraph on and on. Take breaks, take breathers, inserts some 'ums' and 'uhs'. It gives characters personality. Nobody knows exactly what they're going to say when they go into a conversation. No-one rehearses what they're going to say, so remember that. Think of how you might speak to a friend, where you might make up or completely fumble a word and come out with nonsense. This should be done sparingly, but it really gives characters more life, and makes the player think "I remember the other day when I did the same thing...". Relating to characters is what pulls players in.
Also, during dialogue, remember the characters age. Older people have broader vocabularies than young ones, unless they're very smart.
As another note in dialogue, I find the part where the young Nina and Xepher are talking annoying, to say at the least. He jumps from subject point to subject point without waiting for an answer. Between each sentence, Nina should jump in and say something, because that's the point of conversations. People can talk about the same thing for hours at a time! (Though don't do that in the game, because people like to repeat themselves).
Alright, I'm going to stop here. You have a decent game coming along here but it needs flesh and substance to really make it interesting. I hope you take nothing I said as an offense, I am just trying to help you.
Good luck with the rest of your project =D.
Erica is a priest's apprentice?! Why would a priest want her, a necromancer, as an apprentice? Also, why does she/Roland want to kill the Quia president? Assuming that Erica is Roland's daughter, how did he get her? Was she adopted? If she wasn't then who is the mother? If she isn't his daughter and is actually his wife, well, that sounds a little crazy, having a 45 year age gap.
Well I thought you it was clear the the priest would be either:
1. Brainwashed.
2. Has no idea that Erica is a corrupt necromancer planning to kill people with her divine magic capabilities.
Which one sounds better?
By the way, Erica already mastered Necromancy which is why she moved on to the Divine magic.
1. Brainwashed.
2. Has no idea that Erica is a corrupt necromancer planning to kill people with her divine magic capabilities.
Which one sounds better?
By the way, Erica already mastered Necromancy which is why she moved on to the Divine magic.
You're being a little hard to understand here. "Well your have should have..." isn't as clear as it should be. You sound like you haven't decided which one is true yet, so you shouldn't be saying that I don't have common sense. She mastered necromancy by the time she was 19? I thought that it would take longer to master, even if she started when she was very young. Is it even possible to learn both holy and dark magic? That's a bit odd. You still need to fix some spelling/grammar errors in your first post.
Yeah, I guess so. But I know you well enough to say what I said.
and I the fact that Erica mastered the Necromancy so early is a secret in the storyline plot, I don't want to give out all the secrets and stuff for the whole thing otherwise you wouldn't be interested in it anymore.
and I the fact that Erica mastered the Necromancy so early is a secret in the storyline plot, I don't want to give out all the secrets and stuff for the whole thing otherwise you wouldn't be interested in it anymore.
Likewise, people aren't interested if there are too many secrets and we can't understand why things happen. It seems like you're making this up as you go along. Also, don't be lazy in your typing just because you think you know me well enough. Maybe some others would like to know what you are saying to my question. Your signature says you support good grammar, but I think you should learn some more of it. On another note, will you be creating a Zavier userbar as well?
Lazer Kirby
Member
You should've at least put one of those in Erica's descriptionzchin131":2452vqxy said:
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