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ABANDONED Retian - The Gatekeeper ABANDONED

  • Atrocious

    Votes: 1 12.5%
  • Terrible

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Horrible

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Bad

    Votes: 3 37.5%
  • Fair

    Votes: 2 25.0%
  • Good

    Votes: 2 25.0%
  • Great

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Perfect

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Total voters
    8
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zchin

Sponsor

Retian
The Gatekeeper
If a mod could lock this topic I would strongly appreciate it!

"I loved him, but now I strive for revenge, and revenge is the only thing powering me, giving me life, without it, I couldn't live."

"What am I meant for? What is my purpose? These questions ring in my head, I am enraged with revenge. And I know, I am meant, to make the world a better place."

"As I journeyed, as far as the eye could see, I saw a light, It made me aware, of what I had become. "

"Revenge turned into sadness, I had no purpose until here, where I stood, in the solid ground, unmoving, he came to me, replacing my sadness to hope, I know now, that I am not the only one."

"I lifted my blade, into the air, and swore, that I shall revive what was lost, otherwise I will suffer eternal damnation."


- Nina Herifinier


summary.png


The Retian race were the gatekeepers to other worlds, and now that race has been wiped of the face of the earth. As a new gateway opens, these unworldly beings decide it's time to expand there vast territory. Spreading there portals around the world using altars to hold them open. Nina, a Retian girl is the last survivor and has to seal all the gateways and prevent a clashing death with another world. Roland, Nina's adopted father, is collecting these lockets to summon the god, Taura, and take over the world along with the other worlds as well, Nina later discovers that the Entity world is no different then her world, Nina is betrayed and is wiped of her memory but escapes into the entity world, Nina is stranded there forever............ or is she?

Background Story
The universe was started by the ancestors of the deities, they were known by many
names, gods, ghosts, unworldly beings, and so forth. When the world was made it wasn't perfect of course. It had but one flaw, the worlds were separated into giant floating masses of land. The worlds floated and moved clashing together and destroying each others. The Gods made a cloaking This could only be possible because of the huge mass of iron hidden inside the worlds, called, Cores, they were made to power the World's cloak.device that made the worlds, well, invisable. And they made the worlds intangible to the other worlds.Everything would be fine forever right? Wrong .The Gods left their decendants on each world encase anything were to go wrong, they would fix it, the
race became selfish and greedy, for power is the only thing they wanted. Then started the Recreational war, the Deities race fought a secret war against
each other's world, they made portals to travel between worlds causing permenant damage to the Cores, by the time the problem was discovered, it
was to late, the Deities race.... Was completely gone. The Cores were damaged and there wasn't anything anyone could do about it, the damaged Core led to
holes in the cloak, the people of the worlds thought it was a signal to migrate, this started a conflict, each world fought for land that they thought were safe
they argued back and forth causing chaos and destruction that was known as the Entity war, a war of unworldy beings fighting over land. The Deities
watched from above disgusted with what they made so they made one hero, to stop the conflict in the worlds, it came and handled the situation and
everything was fine, but the damge to the Cores were permenant and bad, the hero left the world on the stairs to heaven and everthing was peaceful. Until Athena-26-2069

Words, Phrases, and Places
Lich: An undead mage with immortality
Necromancer: A person who resurrects humans to undead.
Magic Flow: A non-hereditary pool of mana in the heart mixing with the blood.
Fionis: Located on the north-eastern island of Quia, capital of Quia
Exuis: Located on the north-western island of Quia.

mapso.png

Quia



Nina Herifinier

Race: Retian
Age:17
Gender:Female
A 17-year old girl, smart, and has a huge amount of energy flowing through her veins, she get's into fights with Roland. Nina looks up to Xepher as an older brother and expects Xepher to give her the parenting that Roland has not given her. being drained by Rolands lich powers she has become faint and weak, and can't think for herself. Nina thinks to much about her actions causing a delay in agility, she is often clueless and get's mixed feelings about things often


Xepher

Race:Human
Age:18
Gender:Male
Childhood friend of Nina after finding her in an tree, he is quiet but responsible. Xepher takes responsability for Nina when Roland and Nina get into their daily Arguments.
Xepher is the perfect human being, charitable, rich, intellectual, and kind, of course everyone has a flaw, Xepher intends to hide it.

Zavier

Race: Entity
Age:19
Gender:Male
Zavier trains Nina in the entity world. Zavier is lazy, laid back, and skilled, he is honored member in the Entity training facility. He is simple minded and doesn't really think about what he's doing, he is a little spoiled and doesn't give much effort to do spectacular things.

Roland Dirnama

Race: Lich
Age:64
Gender:Male
Nina's adopted father, Evil, wicked, and cruel, but shows tries to great kindness to Nina, but Nina and him get into a lot of arguments, every night he come and collects Nina's physical energy. Aided by Erica to become an immortal lich that can revive himself off of energy of others, possess others and sustain eternal youth. A high rank sword fighter, used to work for the ruler of Nawary, but was banished to as far as possible away from Nawary. Roland is smart and decisive, but lacks the energy to use all those skills, until he finds Nina, her physical capabilities were unmatchable to anyone, he uses her like a power source fueling his body, after feeling like that he becomes power hungry.

Erica Dirnama

Race: Human
Age: 19
Gender: Female
Roland's right hand stationed to kill the Quia president when the time is right. Trained in the dark arts of necromancy, Has no idea that Nina exists. Attends to the University of Fionis. Commands a small group of fighters to make a living off of wanted lists, she hides her evil face with a kind smile. Erica gives respect to the ones she kills, she is corrupt and deadly because Roland has made her kill numerous people and drain their energy to somewhat fuel his body, this has made her conscious haywire. Erica works as the priest's apprentice, though the priest is totally oblivious, Erica Strives to master all magical abilities.

Diana Gion

Race: Human
Age: 7
Gender: Female
A prodigy girl in the university of Fionis, lonely when young due to her uncontrolable magic flow. Smart and dramatic she has earned a high reputation at the university. She tries to make up for what she loses, and is very vengeful, she lives in the foster church.
Diana is offended very easily and usually runs away from the foster church, she is cared for by Erica and has been struggling not to be corrupt, but sometimes looses it

screenshotse.png


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Well even with so little details about the story, the story sounds like its going to be unoriginal, boring, and manilla. While this may not be the typical story I find, if not executed with the greatest of perfection, its going to suck. Also you need some screenshots to post this in this thread. :)
 

zchin

Sponsor

becoolioman":2ccslqcb said:
Well even with so little details about the story, the story sounds like its going to be unoriginal, boring, and manilla. While this may not be the typical story I find, if not executed with the greatest of perfection, its going to suck. Also you need some screenshots to post this in this thread. :)

Although I have no idea how many screenshots there are going to be, I will put in two in a moment. And are you saying that that as a compliment or an insult? I can't tell.
 
Im saying it as a warning. You have a very frail, fragile story. It must be excuted perfectly and originaly or else it might turn into a cliche disaster with one wrong move.
 
Will you be getting an editor to read through the text of your game, or at least one to redo your project discussion thread? It has many errors, and some of them won't be caught by a spell-check function so a human editor can be better. You also put that Diana was lonely when she was young. She still is young. Also, how do people like her when she is a vengeful drama queen? Why isn't Roland wrinkly?
 

zchin

Sponsor

I forgot to put in that Roland could sustain youth, and Diana is popular because she's a prodigy and is smarter then the other students. When I say "When she was young" I ment like 2 years old.
 

Numb

Member

The game doesn't look too bad.
But that map is disgusting D:
Also The battle system looks like it's missing something..
RETIAN.png
 

zchin

Sponsor

That map looks good but I think that the texture is unneeded. But thanks for the comment about my game (finally a positive one). :biggrin:
 
Criticism time ~

First of all, I voted "Fair". The topic lacks a lot of things. Like on first look, I couldn't really tell whether this game is made in XP or 2003 or what. The screenshots you provided are not enough. Your mapping is pretty good but there is not much to be commented on the first screenie. (The battle one.)

Secondly, you really have to work on your storytelling, especially with grammar and spelling. The story seems interesting from what I got so far although there are many cliches and the story lacks many details. Like for example, how did that Nina survive? Why is she the last one of the Retian race? Where did she live before she finds that locket? She was a 4 years girl then so I am sure she had someone to take care of her or a home at least.

Although your characters don't really have much into it, especially Xepher. How did he find Nina on a tree? What was he doing then? Where did he come from? Where is his family? How did he know that Nina is a retian and that Roland is not her real father? The characters lack some personality here.

Also, really, the faceset of Erica doesn't suit her personality AT ALL, unless she hides her evil intentions or something under that smile.

This is all I can say. And please provide some more screenshots and tell us which maker is this. O_O

Good luck. ^^
 

zchin

Sponsor

Well first of all I don't include so much detail towards the beginning to try and hook the reader on the story so that they won't stop reading. I fixed many errors in the topic, and I have updated a lot towards what you said. At the top of the topic post it has a little picture that says XP. I think that lots of people that view my topic don't vote...
 

zchin

Sponsor

Announcement
I have added some pictures here and there for some subtitles to make the topic more fun to look at, and no there is no deep meaning to the flowers.

Hope you enjoy it! :biggrin:

That is all, thank you and have an awesome day!
 
I like the flowers, but I think you missed one, Words, Phrases, and Places. You still didn't answer me. Are you going to be getting a dialogue editor? I'm not talking about a spell check function, because there are too many misspelled "there"s in your topic. Grammar also seems to be an issue. Why did you take off the world map? I can't find it. I think that a terrible one is better than none at all. If you put it up again, I advise you to put it in the Maps section.
 

zchin

Sponsor

Yeah, I should put the world map back up, but not now, maybe in the next two weeks or so. When I announced the updates I said that I added pictures for "some" subtitles. I don't think that i'll hire one or anything to spell check but I guess people could volunteer. I think that I could find someone to do that though...
 
I see that you have put up some new screenshots. Overall, the basic shape is looking well. But I think the tileset is a little over contrasted and there is not enough details, flowers, plants, etc. Try adding more of those.

Also, the water in the second screenshot is a little too thin, don't you think? :smile:
 

zchin

Sponsor

Actually I made another map and it got erased (I don't know what happened) though I will update that screenshot to some fragments in the game. though I need to develop the story more.
 
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