A Dragon Legacy :Corected Version

[Genji The Katana weilder]

A long time ago, the world we know was sank into the darkness of oblivion. Most humans died trying to escape oblivion but just as the light they were devoured by the darkness. One day a brave Dragon Rider known as Lee'Yama and his Dragon Ken'Yee sacrificed their lives to destroy the darkness once and for all but failed to destroy it completely. Although their sacrifice seemed in vain the demon that brought forth the darkness was weakened therefore retreating until the day he was finally healed....



Main Characters:

Arches:Age 14
          Job:Legionnaire
          Story:Main character,Arches was forced to believe his parents died from sickness since he was 3 years old and his now living under the care of Adam and his big bro Nethan and forced to train has a legionnaire to become the champion of the great sword fight championship.


Nethan:Age 16
          Job:Black Knight
          Story:His Arches big brother and his Adam's best apprentice he is the only one who knows what happened to his parents He is the leader of Adam's Tournament team

Brian:Age 12
          Job:Lancer
          Story:One of Arches childhood friends that became a girl magnet after winning the junior Spear master tournament

Sirus:Age 15
          Job:Warrior
          Story:Brian's many brothers. he is less attracted to girl to girl then his little bro . his a real beast slayer and once he started a task he never leaves without a fight.


Rianna:Age 15
          Job:Gunner
          Story:She is part of Adam's men's or should i say women. she fights along side Nethan and Sylvia, her best friend. she has a secrete crush on Sirus


Sylvia:Age 16
          Job:Hunter
          Story:Rianna's best friend has kind of the same attitude has Sirus but wants to stop fighting and start building a family.


Ken'Yee:Age ???
          Job: Drake
          Story:The dragon who once battled along side Lee'Yama his actually a female dragon  but wee now nothing else about her...


Lee'Yama:Age ???
          Job: Drakys
          Story:His past has been a secret since he was born....

 

[Rye]

Maybe you should have more content? And check your spelling BEFORE you post? This just seems like some 5 minute project and seems like a waste. You should always have content before you post your project. Not just an idea.

 

[Mac]

Wonce apon a time the world was sinked into oblivion and most humans died trying to escape this darkness but one day a brave dragon rider named Lee'Yama and his dragon Ken'Yee sacreficed there life to destroy the darkness but failed to erase it for good but the demon was to weak to fight any more so he decided to rest till the time when he would be restored....

Sounds like somebody didn't pass English. But seriously though this is nothing at all, you have just wrote something that came into your head at that very moment and its bad...please read how to make an attractive thread next time.

Heres a better version of your story (jister):-

A long time ago, the world we know was sank into the darkness of oblivion. Most humans died trying to escape oblivion but just as the light they were devoured by the darkness. One day a brave Dragon Rider known as Lee'Yama and his Dragon Ken'Yee sacrificed their lives to destroy the darkness once and for all but failed to destroy it completely. Although their sacrifice seemed invain the demon that brung forth the darkness was weakened therefore retreating until the day he was finally healed.

 

[Sol_Fury]

Other than the dragon rider thing, which has been done in Panzer Dragoon and Drakengard, that sounds like your typical, cookie cutter RPG backstory. No real insight into the story, the characters, or much of anything that makes it unique. I'm not saying give up, but I'd recommend reading through a few other posts in here or in the main forum and seeing how people write up their threads to give you an idea of what kind of things you might want to think about including.

 

[Mac]

Genji The Katana weilder do not shout at others for their opinion, what did you expect everyone to say aye? "OMG This Rulzzz!!" I doubt it, if you want people to respect your thread, post more details and in a more readable manor, if you aren't gunna put the effort into making a sensible thread, then don't make one at all.

Everyone is entitled to an opinion.

 

[Genji The Katana weilder]

Ya i only but a peace of it cause i have to get off the internet for my mom since she has the same connection has i do but i can had the characters today.by the way i have drakengard and almost finished it and he only is a dragon rider because he had a pact with his dragon and he cant seperate him self from it but my game is more like Eragon Style.
Mac sorry to tell you this but i think Rye is saying im poor rpg maker and he thinks i dont now what im doing

 

[kaze950]

PLEASE, for the love of god, speak proper, coherent english

 

[FzGhouL]

You may feel offended, but honestly, by reading your signature, I have the feeling your sense of "cool" is underdeveloped. Put more thought into your posts, read everything out loud, and develop your explanatory technique IE: tell your mom about your game. Basic paradigm shifts will lead to a higher quality product and a more pleasing experience as a whole.

 

[Rye]

I said nothing of the sort of you being a poor RPG Maker. Do not put words into my mouth. I was just making an opinion on the information you had posted when I saw it. SO SORRY that I didn't automatically bow down to your greatness. But seriously. Why don't you find a good spell checker and make sure your topic is spelled correctly and maybe even spruce up some of the grammar? I mean no hositility in this, I just want more new members to actually put up projects that don't look like a 10 year old wrote it. Already right now, I would not want to play it because I don't like playing as a bunch of kids. So, good luck and all that jazz.

 

[Crystalgate]

Ya i only but a peace of it cause i have to get off the internet for my mom since she has the same connection has i do but i can had the characters today.

A tip. If you have limited or uncertain access to the internet, type all the text in a Word document first. Once you do get access to the internet, copy and paste the message from the Word document rather than wasting limited internet time.

Anyway, it's good you posted the characters, but your game is still severely lacking in information. For example, Arches is foced to go trough legionary training and apparently someone is aiming for him winning some sort of championship. But who's forcing him to train, what kind of championship is it and why do Arche's superior belive him capable of winning the championship? Though seeing as a boy of twelve managed to win the spearmaster tournament, it don't appear to be a very serious championship.

Speaking about boy of twelve, you may want to consider raising some of the character's ages. Many of them seem way to young for their proffesion.

 

[Lene]

Deleted spammy posts.

Genji- The majority of replies in this thread have been full of constructive criticism. Try not to take such posts as personal attacks and see them as the opportunities for improvement that they are.

 

[Axerax]

*Sigh* Once again, it seems like there is another game that is way to (Please excuse language) DAMN close to my game.

Ever since I've created my game and posted it I see the words "Dragon Rider" "Alliance with Dragons" "Dark curse over the land over something that happens and it must be changed to fix it" "And Oh My GOD DEMONS are the sorce of all evil!!" I can't help but feel like people are trying to steal my game idea which I've put so much time and effort into. Is there any significance to WHY there are dragon riders, what happened in the past that made this come about, I have an entire background history on this very subject for my game. Come on, please make something a little more less cliche, and I believe the term "Dragon Rider" was coined by Christopher Poalini already, so you may want to change that if you ever release this... I'm not downing your game, I just think it sounds way to similar to my game due to the recent release of my entire 5 year game project. No Flaming. Now do good on your project, change some things, and it will be a gem.
Goodluck,
~Axerax~

 

[Jstreet]

Umm, sounds to me like you(Axerax) stole a little from Eragon, and regular everyday medieval cliches. =P

 

[DrWeazel]

They are right, spell check or else no one will give this project a chance. You need to accept criticism and not to flip out.
My opinion is to be original. The best games ever made are the ones most unique.
Good luck with the project and I hope you listen to us.

One more thing, disable the smilies in your first post, they are messing it up.

 

[Lene]

Anymore posts that only say something to the effect of get a spell checker will be deleted. The horse has been beaten to death already.

 

[Axerax]

Umm, sounds to me like you(Axerax) stole a little from Eragon, and regular everyday medieval cliches. =P

I don't know if you know. I started my project about 5 years ago, Eragon just came out about 2 years ago, so that is litterally impossible. But yeah, I love Eragon, but I'd never steal from the books.

As well sorry for putting anything close to flaming Lene, I never intended for it to get out of hand, I was just making a strong example to read over other projects to be sure you aren't essentially stealing or copying ideas, make something your own and it is fine and dandy even if it has a few parts that resemble cliche work
~Axerax~

 

[Zatham]

Laughing so hard.

AND BY THE WAY I JUST STARTED THIS RPG MAKING

No way!!!

 

[Totti]

Please read the thread before posting something that has been posted in almost every single post since the thread's creation.

The characters age doesn't match them at all, I would suggest making them 17-23. Your Background story is half-assed. Seriously, how long did it take you to write that?

 

[alexia]

Just leave him alone, already. He's probably young which may explain why his characters are young - easier to relate to. Let him at least have the experience of creating a game without being harassed.

Genji, have fun creating your game.

 

[eternal_magus]

and I believe the term "Dragon Rider" was coined by Christopher Poalini already

1) You can't coin a term like that, it's two words out of the dictionary placed in sequence. If he'd given them a specific name, like "RIDERS OF DRAKKEN" and somebody wrote a story with people called that, he'd be able to complain about it. It's like saying Tolkien already coined the term "Horse Rider" so you can't have people who ride horses in your book.

2) There were stories about dragon riders WAY WAY before Eragon. The Pern books, for example. I believe the series is called "Dragonriders of Pern". Eragon is just the first book about dragon riders to get the kind of popularity that it would need for everyone to have heard about it and read it.