The Universal Guardian

[Stardust]

I've been working on a book for a long time now, starting about seven years ago.  The first versions were...horrible, but it improved with each version.  The first chapter probably took three years before I was satisfied enough to move on to chapter two.  On the last attempt, I got up to chapter sixteen, but I didn't like the last seven chapters, so I started over.  This time, I'm using a slightly altered point of view and I also decided to remove a bunch of stuff relating directly to Guardianism (obviously, from the title, the Guardians stay in the story). 

Anyway, I'm seven pages into chapter one (when it was originally around five or six pages), and I'm very happy with how it's coming along.  I won't release an entire chapter probably (because of copyright issues and theft (I know it seems silly, but I'm still scared of it)).  However, I will present you with a couple of sections to see what you think.  So, without further ado...!

Spoiler: Part of Chapter One

Chapter 1: The Start of Classes
“You're showing off again,â€

 

[Surmuck]

Sweet, but first of all - at very first glance i can tell that's not nearly long enough to call a first chapter. Count how many pages are in any chapter, in an average sized book (200+ pages) - and check it against your own.
Anyway, I suppose I should give my short disclaimer. Do not open the following spoiler unless you are prepared to take sometimes harsh, and unbiased crits.

Spoiler

“You're showing off again,â€

 

[Stardust]

o_o

You took the time to pick it apart.  I could hug you right now.  That's probably the most helpful thing anyone's done for me.  Also, this isn't the entire first chapter.  It's just a small portion of it.  I'll comment on what you said in the spoiler in a few seconds.  I have to finish this chapter now that I'm in a writing mood.

 

[Stardust]

Spoiler: Responses

“You're showing off again,â€