The scrawlings of an uneducated man.

[Cruelty]

i have absolutely zero knowledge of skillful writing and/or techniques. still... i try.
i write fairly often now-a-days.. but i never show anyone (just one dude), so i don't really know if its even any good.

Star-Chaser:
My exuberance is less a shine, and more a dust-revealing glow – only by reflecting the bright eyes of a young gypsy like the moon. Bright as stars, so will they collapse, sentenced to the unconscious; drawn out of orbit – and the satellite stretched away from the imagination. Let's remember yesterday's star who's light ascends upon us, finally, tonight, because no one else will. Fortunate incarnate, follow me closely even through the clouds; even through the water; even through the dust.

Seed:
The brass pendulum teeters, unsteadily tipping closer to the edges of its undesired home within the walls of the old oak clock, gaining momentum, ringing, trembling with claustrophobia and it will eventually crash through. Time as we know it will seep outwards, no longer confined to predictable ticks and tocks, and we will flow forth, until the current rests in the bright ocean of universe. We will be still, and far more present than ever before as we sprout beneath the current. The captivation of the presence of one-another cultivates the budding reality, we will finally  begin.

Spinning:
We are spinning, weaving that last thread of being into masks donned by the star-projecting demi-god. Meticulous in our strive for absolute bliss, and tunnel vision, while, eventually, the hologram stars burn out, and the dependant galaxies, unlit, are left flustered, bumping into each other on a two-point orbit... and spinning.


BTW, i don't name the things i write, these 'titles' are just for the sake of differentiating them, so it doesn't look like one big long, stupid 'piece' or something..

They're not very long, and they aren't at all structured (i dont know if that's good/bad or what). The longer they get, the more they tend to rabbit-tail (i got that attention.. thing), so i try to keep them short, and end them while they're still coherent.

I'm really looking for some pointers, but you can just tell me if you like/dislike it or whatever. I can take criticism.

 

[Mascarpone]

Well what exactly are your writings. poetry?

Define yourself.

 

[DaithioDell]

Paragraphs are for story writing. It does seem a bit more poetic, so try to find some kind of pacing in how you relay your words. Read Rod McKuen for great examples of this (it's called free-form poetry).

For example, this is how I would pace out 'Spinning':

Spinning:
We are spinning,
weaving,
that last thread of being
into masks donned
by the star-projecting
demi-god.
Meticulous in our strive
for absolute bliss,
and tunnel vision,
while, eventually,
the hologram stars burn out,
and the dependant galaxies, unlit,
are left flustered,
bumping into each other
on a two-point orbit...

and spinning.

Lines and punctuation tell your reader how to read what you've written, as if you were speaking. You naturally do not have to do it this way, but it tends to add more power and punch to certain lines and words in a way that a properly constructed paragraph never could.

One of the most important things to remember, is that it is YOUR writing. Hate to contradict, Mascarpone, but do NOT define yourself. Just write. These are your words, write them as you will. And please forgive my vague, idealistic prattle, I mean only to support.

Excellent use of all the different forms of alliteration. 'old oak clock' is a fantastic line: three forms of alliteration in three words. 'fortunate incarnate' is likewise outstanding.

My main criticism is to use a thesaurus. Overuse of the same word ('will' in this case) is detracting: unless it is intentional, in which case, tell me to sod off.

 

[Mascarpone]

Just don't rape the thesaurus.

I love reading things where u can tell people just looked for the most outlandish synonyms they could find because they want to feel unique.

 

[DaithioDell]

Just don't rape the thesaurus.

I love reading things where u can tell people just looked for the most outlandish synonyms they could find because they want to feel unique.

Hear hear.

 

[Cruelty]

thanks bro. im not sure if using the word 'will' so much was intended or not, really. i'm sure there might have been better ways to word it, but i couldn't immediately think of any other way to express something that's going to happen. i used to use a thesaurus, but i realized that when i DO use it, i turn to it far too much and it becomes unnatural, using words that have never even been in my vocabulary and whatnot. :\

and yar, its poetry, i just don't know how to place my words into anything other than paragraphs.
I take it free-form is just kinda separating the words on lines as you would say them when you're speaking?

I don't even know what alliteration means, so i'm not sure how to even take that comment.

thanks for the words. :}

 

[DaithioDell]

Alliteration is the use  of a common letter in consecutive words.

Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers, for example.