The Prowler

[Speedpaws]

I wrote this a while ago, Just want an opinion on what people think.  :smile:


"A howling cry of agony fills the moonlit night;
a chill runs up the spines of kids as they run towards the light.

The creature's out and on the prowl, it's looking for a soul,
and it won't finish killing, until it achieves its goal.

The creature keeps on hunting, until you're in its sight,
your scream could be the next one heard, in the darkness of the night.

Every hundred years it lives, to find the ones it needs,
you should hope that you're not on the list, for on your soul that it will feed.


You can try and run to save yourself, but there's no hope left for you.
You are truly doomed; escaping is something you can't do.

You can do your best to hide yourself, till the light shines in the sky,
But the creature will keep on hunting you, at least until you die.


There is no way of stopping it; it's not something you can fight,
The day is its only weakness, that's why it feeds at night.

There's no protection from this beast, it always gets its way,
the only thing protecting you, is the sunshine of the day.

So when night falls and you hear a scream, remember this tale of the beast, and be scared for it could YOUR soul, which could give him his next feast."

 

[AbyssalLord]

I like this.  It's not written with amazing skill or anything, but it has a cool theme, and it flows nicely.  I would just suggest rephrasing a few things:

"until it completes its goal."  I think 'achieves' would fit a bit better.

"for on your soul that it will feed." This just seems a bit wordy to me.  Maybe change it to something like 'for on your soul (it will/ will it) feed'

"escaping is something you can't do." This just sounds a bit out of place, almost like you could not think of something better to rhyme.

"it's not something you can't fight" You used a double negative and hence said 'it is something you CAN fight'

"the only thing that's protecting you" I would take out 'that's' simply because it makes it more wordy.

"which could give him his next feast" I just don't like the phrasing on this one.  Maybe you should reword it like 'on which (he/it) next will feast'

I know it seems like I pointed out a lot, but overall, it's an excellent poem.  The theme makes me think of Halloween XD.  Anyway, work on your phrasing, and keep up the good work.

 

[Speedpaws]

Thanks for the comment. I took your advice and fixed some of the things. =) It wasn't the best, but I just wanted opinions haha.