The Powers Epic: Quarter Moon

[action]

Hello, lonelyelf here. With the new forum update and content, I thought I'd try it out. I also wanted to post my story somewhere, for criticism.
My story takes place in Minnesota, in a town my friend lives in. I made up the addresses and the schools. Nothing of Copyright property is included. Just read and enjoy. When your done, I'd like criticism. This is my first story, and I'm only 12, so please don't expect too much. Just areas to improve. And it is unfinished too. It sort of cuts off in the middle of the chapter, so don't get too confused.
If you don't feel like reading the whole way through, I'll give you a idea of the story

Spoiler

[SPOILER ALERT!!!]: Three kids, preteens, are going to school. They all have individual powers. All of them belong to the Confederacy of Regnesor, which is the Government for the empowered-mortal's home. It's all about the Regnerock recurring, and they have to stop it.

Enjoy! :biggrin:





Prologue
A New Member

The boy fell to the ground with pain. Wind blew his brown hair westward, as his hat fell off his head.
“Give me the ball,” said the bully, who was manipulating the boy with force. The brown haired boy got up from the ground, and hung his head, to avoid the bully’s gaze. He held a blue ball that he had been playing with in his right hand, his left hanging to his side.
“I said,” the bully continued. “Give me the ball!”
The bully pushed him one more time and the ball flew from his hands. However, he did not fall, only did he stagger back briefly. As the ball bounced on the ground, the bully smiled. He had gotten what he wanted, and as usual, by force. He bent to pick it up, and then he froze. Something stopped him from continuing. He couldn’t move his arms or legs, and could only shift his gaze to the boy next to him. Something wasn’t right.
On the boy’s smooth face glowed several black swirling marks on his right cheek. They pulsed like a heart, brightening quickly then dimming, and continued to do so. The boy’s eyes had also changed form a bold blue, to a slate gray, with small pupils.
A fire of pain scorched the bully’s insides. The pain swelled bigger and bigger inside of him; torture. After only a few seconds of glimpsing at the boy, the bully got up to run with fear, now able to use his limbs. He was stopped by a new figure, wearing a blue shirt and several marks of red fire on his face. The bully stopped at the cold hand, that had similar markings.
“You will never speak of this,” said the marked one.
And with that, the bully nodded, with fear in his eyes. He then ran towards the school, without pausing to look back. The marked one looked down at the boy, who stopped glowing at once. He smiled.
“Welcome to the club.”







1
The Sight

Kristos waited for the teacher to excuse the class. It was two minutes before the end of the second switch, and he was fidgeting in his seat. His stomach growled, reminding him of his hunger, as he had been impatient because of the class’ boring lesson.
He was 12, tall, and lean. His eyes shimmered unnatural blue, contrasting to his light brown hair. In addition, his face was smooth and unblemished, with only three freckles on his left cheek. He wore a blue long-sleeve tee shirt under a black sweater.
“Make sure you have all of the vocab words in your notebook. They will be due, as well as the review, on Thursday.”
Everyone took that as an excuse to leave. People all around Kristos were getting up, and gathering their notebooks. Kristos mimicked those around him, and soon he was out the door. Lockers were lined up neatly against the walls of the sixth-grade hall. Students were bustling about, getting jackets and lunch boxes, lining up straightly behind their homeroom teacher. Nothing was out of the ordinary.
After gathering his stuff from his locker, Kristos glided towards the end of Mrs. Lehven’s line. There he met Vladik and Cole, who were waiting patiently in line.
Vladik was tanner and had a much stronger build than Kristos. He had eyes a shade of reddish-brown, matching with his dirty brown hair. Vladik and Kristos had been friends since the second-grade. They had been in the same classes as well, and became close peers. Cole was a newly added friend; he had been with since… third or fourth-grade, as Kristos remembered. He had a dark tan face, and a thin sculpt, less sleek than Kristos’. His hair was black, corresponding with his eyes.
“Finally! I thought class would never end!” Vladik blurted as soon as Kristos got into line. “I think the second switch is definitely the longest, mentally thinking.”
“Agreed,” said Cole, while Kristos nodded yes.
And so they walked, down the hall, and turning at the corner to the bathroom. There everybody washed their hands and made a new single-file line, to continue to the Cafeteria. Kristos and Vladik began talking about their length of the classes as the line moved downward through the hall. Soon the two noticed the absence.
“Let’s go, Kris,” Vladik glanced at the class. Then he bent to pick up his lunch box as Kristos threw his jacket over his shoulder.
Next to them was a window, which showed snow blistering a fogy day. The corners were packed with snow, making the window seem like a rounded rectangle. Fourth-graders ran amuck through the snow, building snowmen and gazing excitedly at the appearance of first-snow.
Vladik and Kristos ambled through the fire doors protecting the side-door, which too was covered in snow on the outside. Their class had already made it into the lunchroom, and Mrs. Lehven was opening the teacher’s lounge door.
And then it happened.
It felt like the air was pushing Kristos in from all sides. And then there was a fire in his head. Pain trickled through his body, moving down along his spine. His body agonized as he fell to his knees, clutching his throbbing head. Then everything disappeared around him. Everything but the pain, that was torturing him still.
An image appeared in front of him. A ghastly like image, similar to a shadow, but with eyes a piercing red. It laughed pleasurably, while like revealed part of its face - or what he thought was its face. Its face was pale and angular. A crooked smile cracked several wrinkles and bent scars. And the eyes… they eyes were red with slits of pupils, with three fang like marks around the irises.
Then he was back in reality. Vladik looked down at him as he opened his eyes. Kristos felt no more pain, as the pain abruptly stopped when he opened his eyes.
“You okay?” Vladik questioned.
“No,” Kristos mumbled.
“He’s here.”

















2
The Seal

Vladik had no idea what was going on. First Kristos lay unconscious, clutching his head. Next, he was saying something about “he’s here.” There was no reasonable explanation for how Kristos was acting. Unless…
But that wasn’t possible. They had defeated him a year ago, and repelled him into a void. This way he could not escape. By all means, dark magic was worth nothing inside of there. It was why Kristos and Vladik picked it as a cage for it. Could he have escaped?
No. Impossible.
So this “he” could not be the same “he” as Vladik was thinking. But then who else? Who else was a Rebellion of the Confederacy of Regnesor? Vladik could not think of any one. Or was this “he” actually on their side? Coming to tell them of some unknown battle of some sort. This, Vladik reasoned, was the most possible of the three.
“We should go to lunch,” Vladik held out his hand to Kristos, who was still on the floor of the hallway.
They walked a few more steps, only pausing briefly to see if any had noticed. Then they entered the cafeteria, which was filled with the sounds of students talking, passing jokes, and spreading rumors. The line for hot lunch was short, which meant they had been out in the hall for quite some time. Three minutes at least.
Once Kristos joined into line for hot lunch, Vladik left with his lunch box for a table nearby. Every thing that just happened seemed to be pushed to the back of his mind. Everything in the room was normal, and loud, which kept him from thinking at all.
When it was his turn, Kristos recited the hot lunch choice he had picked and grabbed his tray from the shelf on the cart that separated the cafeteria from the kitchen. With the tray at hand, he grabbed a milk, and scooped some mixed fruit into a bowl. At the end of the all-cart, he typed his number, spoke his name, and set off for the table Vladik was sitting at.
Lunch was quiet between the two, as if they were trying to avoid conversing of what happened in public. The reason was secrecy.
Vladik and Kristos were both apostles of the Confederacy of Regnesor a large group, of mortals who were capable of using magic. The Regnerok in mortals’ favor is what “regnesor” means. Since they were from the Confederacy, they had to follow the rules, and protect it at all costs. And in return for their favor of fighting for the Confederacy, they were granted advances in their powers.
These “powers” were what set Kristos, Vladik, and several other Apostles of the Confederacy in their school, apart. Kristos was a Halfling. Half elf, half human. His inhumane beauty and magic was elven, and the rest was natural and human. He used the same magic that elves would use, tried to perform elven rituals, and had a personality close to that of an elf. Vladik was human, but had abilities beyond that of Kristos’ in several different categories. His mana was dark, and he could perform stronger, more powerful Dark Magic. But his personality was aflame and violent, so he had to contain himself, setting seals upon his mana during the day.
And so, the rest of the day was normal, similar to their lunch. They spoke rarely, and never out of turn. When Vladik boarded his bus and said goodbye to the others, he found a time to sit down and think, without having to concentrate on other things. He thought about the Republic, the occurrence before lunch, and about him and Kristos. What would happen now? Should he be doing something now? Why is this happening to them, and not more advanced regulars in the Confederacy?
These questions rolled through his head for the rest of the evening. His free time was unproductive, lying in his room, trying to figure things out. Four o’clock soon turned to five, and soon six. He was called down for a supper of ham and beans. His mom questioned his day at school, as he continued to answer them with stuff like “Yeah” and “Mmhmm”, to try and end the conversation. After cleaning his plate of food, he set it on the counter next to the sink, and walked to return to his room.
“Vladik?” his mom called. “Could you come down?”
Vladik came back down and faced his mother, his face showing no emotion. She pulled out an envelope, and handed it to Vladik. He grasped it and held it in front of him to read. It said.

To: Vladik Kertesch, 1890 Eagle pond Rd.,
S Woodbury, MN, 55125

He tore it open to reveal a piece of paper, printed with words. At the top was his name after Dear. He read it with glee:

Dear Vladik,
Iraq is hot. The sun is always shining. I wish I was home with you and your mom. I’ve made a few friends here, but not many. But even so, nothing has been boring. I write this letter as my bunk mate sleeps. He snores really loud! How is it in Minnesota? Cold? Has it snowed yet? If so, send me a picture of it. I’d love to see it! How is school? Getting all A+’s? Well, write back soon!
Love,
Your Dad

After reading it, he tucked it back, neatly into the envelope. It was the first letter since his dad left for Iraq. He planned on saving it and pinning it up on his tack board. He smiled at his mom, and she returned it with one of her own. Vladik leapt up the stairs and swiftly stepped into his room.
Night fell quickly. Soon he was in his bed with his lights off. He was tired, and could not think. And his bed felt warm and comfortable. After a few minutes he fell into a deep sleep.


Vladik was awakened with a soft push. When he opened his eyes, it was dark. Next to him his clock read 2:16. Whoever woke him up is gonna feel sorry.
“Vladik, It’s me,” said a soft whisper, much like a quiet symphony, harmonizing, that could not match with a human.
“Kristos!” Vladik whisper-shouted. “What are you doing here?”
“There is something I must show to you. Come,”
Kristos leapt from his window sill onto a nearby tree, with fluid movements, as agile as a cat. He wore a black shirt, with straps across the front, forming an “X” on his chest. His legs were covered by baggy pants, similar to capri pants, that tightened at the ankle. Around his waist was a loose belt, with compartments and pockets stuffed full. This was his Apostle outfit, used only for combat and magical procedures. Why was he wearing it?
Vladik stumbled out of bed and grabbed a coat that was on his floor, and scrambled to put it on. Once he was done preparing for the outside, Kristos, who wore no jacket over his clothes, gestured him out and leapt to the grass below the tree. Vladik blundered after him, climbing down the tree with caution. Outside it was cold. A slow breeze blew past Vladik, making him shiver. Darkness loomed over the town, only lit by the moon, and the small twinkling lights of the stars above.
Together they ran toward the nearby park. Several minutes after an inhumanly fast sprint, they reached a large area, surrounded by tall, leaning trees. Grass lay on the ground, waving gently in the wind. The moon lit the space with a dull light, that reflected off of the dew. It was a beautiful sight. Not that Vladik cared.
“Why did you bring me here,” Vladik questioned, his gaze flickering among the trees. Kristos did not answer, but walked elegantly towards a bare-white tree. He set his hand on it, and a hex sign appeared, glowing blue between him and the tree. After a few minutes of it humming, the symbol shattered like solid glass, the pieces evaporating into thin air. Vladik suddenly remembered. This had been the spot that they set the seal on an old foe. But why would Kristos bring him here? After all, the fiend was long dead.
Then on the ground between Vladik, who was standing near the edge of the park, and Kristos, still by the tree, glowed a luminous blue hex circle. It was larger than the one Kristos had produced, and was more complex, with several swirls and symbols around a large circle, that enclosed the sign. It’s light reached up into the night sky. Soon, the symbol fell to the same fate as the other one, and shattered into several pieces. But the pieces did not disappear, and continued to glow. Kristos bent to pick one up. With it in his hand, he twisted it in his hand, searching as if for something inside the chunk of mana.
“Pick one up,” Kristos ordered in the silence. Vladik did as he said, and mimicked Kristos’ inspection of the glass-like object, which lit his face with a soft blue light. Inside the glass, was a small chunk of swirling black, like a black cloud of food coloring in water. The darkness was bland, and continued to move in a cloud-forming-like pattern.
“The black cloud is it’s dark mana, moving freely inside the glass,” Kristos explained softly. “ Now that the symbol is broken, it can escape through the unsealed edges”
Kristos looked up at Vladik, who returned his gaze.
“That means whatever we sealed up, has just escaped.”
“But how?” Vladik mentioned. “Only you can reveal the seal.”
Vladik was confused now. The effort they put into creating the seal, building the mana for it, finding the right time.
“Yes, with magic,” Kristos answered. “But there are other ways.”

3
Questioned Answers

Cole had no idea what was going on. He had every right to, after all. Vladik, Kristos, AND he were all Apostles of the Confederation. It was only right not to keep secrets among your group-mates.
Still, no one answered his questions at school. Kristos and Vladik were keeping to themselves. But, Cole never saw them speak. Since lunch yesterday they had been silent, like they thought the whole world was a library. Maybe something important happened. Or maybe Kristos saw something. Yeah! That had to be it! They would never be quiet so long - well, at least Vladik wouldn’t - unless they couldn‘t help but speak of something secretive. Vladik and Kristos were probably trying to keep from blabbering about some… vision, Kristos had.
But why not tell him? They had plenty of time during the day to speak to him privately. There was recess, in-between classes, or getting out of class, quite coincidently going to the bathroom at the same time. They had no excuse -no- no right, to keep secrets from him.
And that’s why Cole was so mad.
“Now, work this out on a back of an old assignment,” The teacher in front of him called, jerking Cole back to the world. He looked around to see what the others were doing, and then noticed a long-division problem on the board. Bending over, he picked up his trapper-keeper which held his notebook and agenda. As it lifted from the ground, a small, neatly folded note fell to the floor.
What’s this? he wondered, setting his trapper-keeper on his desk, without leaving his gaze on the paper note. He decided to quickly finish the problem, which he did, and then bent to pick up the note, as well as an extra pencil, hiding the paper behind his wrist. The teacher called on someone from the other side of the room, and Cole took that as his chance. He unfolded the paper and read:

To: Cole,
I am sorry I did not tell anything to you. We had to keep of which I speak secret. What had happened yesterday will be clarified later. We cannot be sure who got this note. After first period, meet me and Vladik at the lockers near the science pod. We will meet you there.

Sincerely,
Kristos Silv-Aghven )·\
Cole didn’t think he was being too secretive, even though he wouldn’t tell whatever it was they were hiding. After all, he included his elven name and sub-race symbol. But even so, Cole was glad he got to be included in whatever it was. He didn’t like secrets, unless he was the one keeping them.
Math went by quickly with the note in mind. He used his work time to get a majority of his assignment done, so he could have the rest of the time to pack up, getting ready to go straight to the meeting place. He couldn’t wait. Cole loved surprises, but he loved guessing even more. Maybe it was a new foe! Or a new spell! He was probably right about Kristos having a vision, but he still couldn’t help but think of other possibilities.
Soon enough, the teacher dismissed them while he was already half out of his seat. Out of the class first, the others looked at him like he was some sort of maniac, with his beaming smile. He could not wait. Half running across the hall way, only slowing as he passed the windows to other classrooms, he reached the science pod quickly. There stood Vladik and Kristos, leaning against the few lockers by the science classroom.
“Okay,” Cole gasped excitedly. “I’m here. What is it?”
They looked like they heard him coming. Probably. Vladik whispered something into Kristos’ ear, and Kristos shook his head no. Then Vladik turned to face Cole, while Kristos continued his inactivity against the blue steel cabinets.
“Kristos saw something,” Vladik explained in a calm voice, that didn’t match with his personality.
“What,” Cole asked impatiently. “What did he see?”
Vladik closed his eyes, “He didn’t yet explain. But he knows someone is coming. Some rebel that we sealed away last year.”
Cole knew it. He always knew things. That was his passion. He looked down at his hands.
“How come I didn’t sense anything?” Cole wondered aloud. The three each had their individual side-power, as they called it. Vladik could strengthen himself with darkness, Kristos could change read minds and change others’ emotions, and Cole could sense presences more strongly, and tell if they were on their side or not. This was why he was confused. He always knew when something was coming near.
“It isn’t here,” Vladik opened his eyes again, and focused them on Cole. “It’s-”
“In Soritalm,” Kristos cut Vladik off abruptly, who didn‘t look too happy with Kristos‘ nerve. Soritalm was another world, orbiting near theirs, but not space-wise. Like another dimension, it was separated from Earth. This was the land where the mortals with powers lived and thrived in a second life. It was also the original home of the Valkyries, who were the subordinates of the Lower-Gods. But after the Regnerock, they were driven out for the mortals to make their second-homes, and for the Confederation of the Regnesor to be born.
“So it’s attacking our fellowship?” Cole was still confused.
“No,” Kristos informed behind Vladik, without moving his gaze on the lockers in front of him. “It’s there to find a seal. The seal that closed the door between the Lower-Gods, and our world, as well as earth. It wants to unleash the Valkyries, and free the Lower-Gods.”
Kristos looked at Cole, “It wants a second Regnerock.”

Recess was the only time Cole had time to talk to them again. Vladik and Kristos were in different classes than him, but luckily they were in the same homeroom. Outside it was blistery and cold. A sharp wind blew snow from the ground, and hit their faces. Natural, it was, for mid-November. But still, as used to the cold as they were, they could not help but shiver.
They walked together to the edge of the field, out of sight from the playground. There, nothing but the wind could be heard. It was the perfect spot.
“Alright,” Cole broke the silence once they stopped walking. “About this second Regnerock…”
“Trying to make a conversation, are you?” Kristos showed no emotion, as always, in his voice.
“Doesn’t he always?” Vladik sighed, annoyed.
“Hey! You can’t accuse someone for wanting to talk?”
“I never said I was,” Vladik showed his usual anger.
“I agree. You are quite… what’s the word… conversational.” Kristos finished.
Cole sighed. Obviously he had lost his conversation for a new one. When you get them started, they would accept a new discussion. He hated this when it happened. When he would start a conversation, they would always extract something else from it.
“Well, Cole,” Vladik continued. “Just to make you happy….”
Vladik pulled a small folded napkin from his pocket and unwrapped it. Inside was a blue crystal. It shined in the faint sunlight on a smooth, uncut surface. The crystal was like a shard of broken glass.
“What is it?” Cole marveled at the crystal.
“It’s mana,” Vladik looked down at the blue shard back in his hand. “Kristos’ mana, in solid form. It is a shard of the seal we created a year ago. Look at it.”
Cole bent over and did as Vladik said. Once he got a look at it closely, he could tell it was more complex than he thought. Inside were tiny diamonds, forming a cloud of black in the beautiful blue shard.
“The black stuff, that’s the fiend’s mana. He obviously escaped, but lost some of it as he did so.” Vladik continued, stuffing the shard back in his pocket. “Which means it must be weak.”
“But-” Cole started.
“We do not know how it is going to break the seal,” Kristos answered. A sudden gust of wind blew, throwing their hats into the air. Kristos’ eyes flitted to gaze at the floating hats.
Then time seemed to stand still. Kristos moved at an impossible speed and grabbed his hat, then moved on to catch the others in mid-air. He then tugged his on and threw the others to their owners. Cole admired his speed, agility, and wit. He was only a Sol-magus, a sorcerer that uses the sun for power. By infusing their mana with the light of the sun they create powerful spells of light properties. But since he was only a Sol-magus he didn’t have any special physical abilities.
Or physical appearances, Cole thought enviously, staring at Kristos’ smiling, unblemished face. A loud ring broke the brief silence and they set out for the school doors. Recess was over, and Cole was satisfied with the knowledge he had gained. Now, maybe they would let help in the search for this “fiend”. Maybe, but since he was newer and less experienced, they would probably would exclude him.
They better not.
4
Something Not To Be Told

Night fell. Kristos was in his bed, his lamp on, reading. He had the novel The Never Ending Story in his hands, with his eyes transfixed on the page. His room around him was dark, with the walls painted a deep blue. Several framed drawings hung in a neat square on his west wall. A desk stood uncluttered against the opposite wall. The only items on top were a cup of pencils, a notebook with runic symbols written on it, and a picture of his family, all together sitting beneath a tree in Germany, where their ancestors made their home.
A few minutes later when his digital clock read 9:48, he closed the book, shut the light off, and laid down. He stared at the ceiling for a while, pondering thoughts. What was going to happen? Should they catch the fiend? And if they did, where would they look. How would they find it? None of these questions were answered by the new hour.
Finally, Kristos decided to get some rest. He closed his eyes and loosened his body to relax. Within a few minutes, he was sucked into a deep sleep.

Kristos dreamt he was at school. The second class was over, and he was just getting ready to leave. Others around him were gathering their stuff, and exiting out through the door. Kristos found himself mimicking the others, as if his body had a mind of it’s own. Once he was out the door, he noticed no one was there. He was the only person there, standing confused in the middle of the hall. Not a sound broke an abnormal silence.
Then the hall disappeared. It blurred with a vision of fire, crackling. The school was on fire! Scraps of burning wood lay in hills of debris. Smoking hung in the air, choking Kristos, and blocking his vision with an opaque gray. What had just happened? Kristos stumbled forward, trying to make it out of the turmoil of flames. He felt something dragging him down, holding him from an exit. Trying to stand, he could not free himself of the weight. He grabbed hold of the remains of a railing, but could not gather the power to pull him back up.
In front of his face was someone, unconscious. He was strongly familiar. The boy wore a shirt that was burnt, and plain jeans. His face was marked by a flame-like pattern of black, that matched nearly perfect with the burns and soot.
Then he noticed it. This could not be the school. It was a house. In front of him were wood doors, burning along side a pile of springs from a mattress. What he could make out of the outside was several buildings, and a road, unpopulated.
This was someone’s house. And the boy…
The boy was Vladik.

The next morning, Kristos woke with a blanket of clouded his mind. All he could think about was the dream. He could not come to think that it was a vision, a sight of something that would happen in the future. His ears rang, as if it was a nightmare - which Kristos hoped that was all it was.
He ate his breakfast of a boiled egg and an apple groggily. His movements were slower than usual, as if he hadn’t gotten any sleep at all. After eating his food, he went upstairs and lay in his bed. Only ten minutes were left until he would have to walk to school, but he would take whatever time he had to think.
When he lay down, he closed his eyes. He could still imagine the ringing in his ear. He rolled over and tried to think of something to get his mind away from the recent events. Everything was happening at once. His vision before lunch. Then the discovery that the fiend had escaped. And now, another sight, one that was worse than any other.
Is this future inevitable? And what will cause it?
Five minutes of questions rolled by slowly, leaving Kristos’ head numbed by the pain of the truth.
He went to school silently in a black zipper sweatshirt, that was all that protected him from the cold.. Footprints in the white powder was the only fault in the beautiful picture of a world around him. The sky was slate gray, without a hint of light peeking through the sheet of clouds. All was quiet. No car went by him as Kristos walked along a path parallel the black tar that was plowed of snow. All the more to keep him thinking.
“Hey,” a voice shouted behind him. He turned to face a girl in a white thick jacket. She had blonde hair and piercingly red eyes that contrasted to her thin, white body. Thin oval glasses screened her eyes underneath a hood lined with artificial fur.
“I was wondering if you could tell me where Gordon Middleton Elementary is,” she glanced at him, but returned her eyes to a paper she was holding. “It’s not on here.”
“Follow me,” Kristos acted natural, but it was hard. Something about this girl was stirring. It was as if she was radiating waves of warmth. The waves pushed him with an invisible strength, as he tried to keep his distance.
Kristos closed his eyes, continuing along the sidewalk with ease. He was going to try something, maybe it would help. Inside him, he pushed his conscious to an invisible orb of mana. He pushed hard, struggling to reach into a part of his mind that seemed far away from all other things. Quickly, he broke the surface and a feeling of power rushed through him. A power of freedom, as if there was no world around him. He was invincible, with strength beyond measures. He felt like he could win any battle, run any race. But then, it was also laboring. He was inches from death, and a slip of the mind would pull him into the black nothingness that felt so close.
Inside the orb, he listened intently for something. He heard a heartbeat near him, and his slowed to match it. He allowed himself to let go of himself, and he was pulled away from his body, and into that of the new girl.
It had felt like a long time, reaching into the blonde girl’s mind, but was actually only a few seconds. And usually it was much easier to reach into someone’s thoughts. But those he did so to he had gotten used to. This girl was new, and had not connection to him.
Now he was inside the girl’s head, and he saw, heard, and felt everything she did. He was a ghost in the back of her mind, thinking and knowing the same as her. Ahead they saw Kristos, himself, still walking absent-mindedly. Everything around them was the same. He had just moved back a few paces, it seemed. But now he felt something new. Something he did not feel before.
She had powers too, he could tell. But, searching through her mind, he found that she was not conscious of the fact. All he found was normal memories, of a school different from Middleton, a normal town home, and normal friends. But he felt her longing. She, the girl, wished she was back home. With her friends, she felt safe, and at home. This place Kristos found natural, she saw as a hostile unknown town. She thought of a warm, green place, where she was comfortable. Cars zoomed by in a suburb packed with town homes. A blue sky was thatched with white clouds. Kristos had not seen anything of the sort since summer. The girl obviously had come from a warm state, as the memory felt recent and fresh.
Then Kristos felt his power fade. He had to return to his own body. A force pulled all of the memories, and senses away, and then it returned him to his own mind. Kristos continued walking and turned at a corner to reach a stoplight.
“That’s Middleton,” He said, pointing to the tan school with patches of snow where the wind had blown.
“Thanks,” she replied, and walked onto the road. She was obviously oblivious of the fact that this was a busy road. But still, all seemed safe to Kristos. He started behind her, nearing the edge of the white path.
Then a buzz came from Kristos’ right. A car was coming, and quickly. He turned to look for the car, and found it was closer than he expected. A honk blared through the now broken silence, and the girl turned her head, her faced turning sheet-white. Kristos reacted quickly and dropped his backpack, already in a crouch to sprint. He ran agilely towards the girl, while the car rolled on. Within a second, he had grabbed her, and brought her to safety on the other side of the road. The car continued to speed across the road beside them, as if nothing had happened.
The girl let out a loud huff, and dropped to he knees when Kristos broke his grip. She had not been harmed; he could sense no pain. Kristos knelt beside her. With that, the girl got up and stood straight, facing Kristos.
“It’s okay,” she let out an answer, her voice stressed. “I’m alright. Thank you.” She was obviously still petrified by what had just happened, and was also astonished by Kristos’ speed and wit. “How… how did you do that.”
Kristos paid no attention. ”What?”
“You… you saved me,” she laughed, trying to act nonchalant. “You ran across that crosswalk so fast.” She inhaled greatly, still out of breath for some reason.
“There are some things not to be told,” Kristos replied, trying not to let out any information of the Confederacy.
“My names Morgana,” she continued, trying to keep the conversation flowing. She looked at him, as if he were something divine and magic. Close, Kristos thought.
“You… are you an angel?” Morgana asked awkwardly. “I mean, you saved me and all, and… you’re…I can’t think of a word that’s appropriate…” she looked down and thought. “Umm… beautiful, I guess. But, not that I like you!” She yelled the last part, to be heard, because she was almost whispering before. Her heart beat with frustration because of what she had said. She must have not thought that of him, as in liking. It was something that went around his school, girlfriends and boyfriends, “liking”.
Kristos reached to her with his mind yet again, and calmed her. Morgana’s breathing regulated, and Kristos stood before her.
She continued, “It’s just, you face is… you have no… flaws. Plus, you saved me when it seemed impossible. It’s like you are an angel.”
Kristos nodded. Maybe she would soon find out. But for now, his difference was to be secreted.
~~δ~~

Morgana didn’t really like him. She knew that. It was just… the boy was so inhuman. It seemed too impossible, how fast he had moved to save her, and his face, so unblemished. And, she never noticed it before, but, he wasn’t wearing a coat or anything. But, she saw it as one good thing that had happened since she moved; she had made a friend.
Her new school wasn’t so bad either. It was a little smaller than her last one, but she could cope. There were probably less students at an elementary than an junior high. The building was more architectural, compared to the rectangular brick they called a school back in Virginia. The front doors had a large red roof supported by yellow cylinders, to shade the students waiting for the first bell to ring.
Morgana stayed away from the line, and sat down on a bench nearby. She looked around. No sight of that boy. He hadn’t mentioned his name, so she couldn’t ask anybody where he was. Maybe he would be in her class.
A wave of nausea whipped her head, and she remembered she hadn’t had anything to drink all day. She took off her thick coat to try and cool down. Maybe that would help.
The bell rang. It was a lot different than the ring she was used to. It was more dulled and lower. She would have to accustom to it, she thought, because of how much it made her feel out of place. She grabbed her back-pack and started through the glass double doors. Inside it was a lot warmer. It took the warmth for Morgana to notice how cold she was getting. Her ears were numb, and her pants were damp with snow. She took a second to shake her jeans of the white powder, and continued onward.
Inside the school, she saw a large area in the middle covered by blue carpet. On the two sides were white tiles, soiled from age. On one side of the blue carpet was a room, blocked off by glass walls. The other had just a brick square of tan, reaching to the ceiling. Morgana concluded that the inside was just as unique as the outside.
She remembered that her mother had said to go to the office, so she did so. Students were moving back and forth, going to their lockers. Morgana squeezed through the crowd and ended up at two glass doors lined with silver. She reached to open the door, gazing at the handles that shined in the dim light. When she grabbed the handle, it slipped out of her grasp and moved forward along with the rest of the door. Looking up, she saw the same boy who had saved her earlier.
“H-hello,” she stammered.
The boy replied with a simple greeting, with a voice of an angel. As he passed, Morgana thought she could at least ask him his name. She turned to look for him in the mass of students. Once she spotted him, Morgana yelled for him, “Hey!”
The boy stopped and turned. Then Morgana was reminded of his beauty. His face almost shone in the pale light that came from above. She hesitated, but then continued.
“What’s your name?” she questioned, looking down to avoid his gaze on her.
“Kristos,” he replied in a perfect voice, that was pitched exactly right. Then he ambled on, through the mass of the students. She had gotten his name, so she should have felt a little more satisfied. But nothing felt better. Now she thought of more questions, to match with the others. She hadn’t heard a name like that before. Was he from some other country? Maybe that would explain his small accent. And why was he so beautiful?
One way or another, she would find out about this mysterious boy, Kristos - she had just found out his name. But for now, she was to be acquainted with her new teacher.
Morgana opened the door again. It was much quieter inside the office. People sat behind a light tan counter, working on computers or with files. A few blue chairs leaned by the glass walls. She walked forward and stood by the counter that split the room.
“Excuse me,” she gathered the courage to speak. A lady in a burgundy coat looked up from her work. “Yes?”
“Umm… I’m Morgana Ellison, the, umm… new student.” Morgana looked away, embarrassed.
“Oh, yes,” The lady replied, stuffing away her files. “Let me show you to your room.” Morgana’s face flushed at the note of escorting. Everyone would look.
“Is that necessary?” Morgana asked. The lady looked confused, but then decided.
“Well, I guess not,” she pulled out her files again. “Your room is number two-thirty-six.” She continued about directions until Morgana understood. After that, the lady said “good luck” and continued to work. Morgana took that her cue to leave.
Outside in the hall once again, she was pulled back into the crowd and went the way the lady had told her to. Soon she reached a door that was the same as all the others, but had her room number marked above it. She entered, aware of the stares at her.
Morgana walked to the teachers desk. The teacher looked up. She was young and brown-haired. She looked at Morgana, not knowing who she was.
“Who-”
“Umm.. I’m the new girl.” Morgana answered, without having to hear the question. The teacher then exchanged expressions, turned her chair to face a computer. She clicked a few times, and then turned to face Morgana again.
“Good, you’re here,” the teacher spoke. “I’m Mrs. Lehven. Your desk is over there-” she pointed to an unoccupied desk with a chair faced-down on top. “- and you locker is number three-hundred and eight.” She smiled. “You liking bailey?”
Morgana nodded and smiled back. The teacher talked to her for a bit about how she was liking the school, and then excused her. She turned and left out the door, and continued until she reached her blue locker. People all around her were taking off their jackets, and stuffing away the extra stuff they did not need; their backpacks, gloves, and hats. Morgana opened her locker to find nothing inside. It was tan inside, with on shelf high up. She began to make plans for where she would put her stuff.
After all of her extra materials were in her locker, she closed it shut. Standing there for a while, she took in the sounds of the hall, trying to accustom to it. Doing so, she heard a familiar voice. Behind her was Kristos, who had saved her, talking to a brown haired boy with fiery brown eyes. She tried to gather the courage to step forward and talk to him, but found nothing inside herself.
But, lucky for her, Kristos seemed to sense her stare, and turned to face her. He spoke something to the other boy, without losing his gaze on her.
“You seem to be everywhere,” Morgana tried to make a joke, but Kristos did not laugh, an only stared at her more. The other boy walked to stand next to Kristos.
“Are you going to say something about ‘that’ ,” The new boy was annoyed. Kristos shook his head, while the boy became more annoyed, as if he was missing out on something. “It can wait until later.”
“What?” Morgana was confused. The two looked at her like she was a science experiment, waiting to happen. Kristos’ eyes seem to stare through her. His eyes turned from an unnatural blue to slate gray. The new boy turned and walked away.
“Vladik, please don’t leave,” Kristos smiled without turning to face the other boy, who Morgana guessed was Vladik.
“Why-” Vladik began.
“-do I have to stay.” Kristos’ smile grew bigger with self-esteem as his eyes returned to normal. Vladik rolled his eyes again, and turned back to stand next to Kristos. Morgana was even more confused now. What was going on? They were keeping something from her, she could tell. Kristos couldn’t be human, she thought. His perfect skin, speed, and -what had just happened? Had Kristos just read Vladik’s mind? And his eyes; she had never seen such a blue, or someone exchange iris colors, All this was confusing. Her first day, and something supposedly supernatural happens.
But then again, Kristos could just use face cream, be a fast runner, have emotionally-changing irises, and be a good guesser. It was possible. But, something inside her liked her first thought more. Him being inhuman was more fascinating than a regular fast, smart kid. She thought it would be more fun to figure out a mystery than leave it as something normal.
Then the bell rang, and a look of disappointment washed over Kristos’ face. Morgana almost could feel that same disappointment, wanting to know more about this boy.
She would just have to wait.





















5
Surprises

Vladik couldn’t figure out what Kristos’ problem was. All he had said was she was “special” and might join us.
What the heck does he mean?
That was Kristos for you. He loved to leave people hanging with a decent mystery. He even left the girl hanging too.
Vladik’s mood was worsened when he had to go to math, his least favorite subject. He sat there, trying to look like he was listening, with his hood on, hiding his earphones for his mp3 player. He wasn’t usually like this. He was just cranky, and mad at Kristos.
The teacher handed out test sheets to everyone, along with some plain folders to hide their answers. After everyone had one of each, she returned to the front and said, “You may begin.”
Vladik lifted his folder and started answering the questions. The absolute form of negative three plus negative twenty-six. After adding the negatives, he filled in the bubble on the sheet next to twenty-nine. Easy, He thought, finishing the first set, only to come to multiplication of opposites.
He, and the rest of the class, spent the next half-hour filling out answers on the sheet, and setting finished tests on the floor up front. Vladik finished continued his sheet with a sour expression, as everyone finished. Finally, he stood. Everyone was reading their books as he set his paper up front.
“Alright,” the teacher announced. “See ya!”
Everyone left. Vladik met Kristos outside the door. He turned on his anger once more, trying to look convincing. But then again, this was Kristos. He was the mental person among the group, and psychology would not work on him.
Then how will I get him to tell me sooner?
“Don’t worry,” Kristos said. “I’ll tell you.”
Vladik was not please that Kristos had read his thoughts, but at least he would get an answer.
“All right, Kristos,” Vladek began as soon as they got in a safe, quiet spot. “One: What is this ‘special ness’ your talking about. Two: What the heck were you trying to do with that girl back there. If you weren’t going to talk about… what ever your talking about, why did you get all ‘let’s talk’ and all.”
Vladik’s anger level fell as he let it all out, and he could see Kristos smile. He never was this enthusiastic about things. He must have had coffee or something, Vladek thought with humor.
“All right then,” Kristos began. “Answer one: She is one of us. You can let her join if you wish. Three may not be enough to fight this evil I have seen. And my second answer is: I was trying to get you to make a conversation with her. Then, I could see what she was thinking, and,” He looked around for anyone in sight. “To sense her mana. Find her ability that we might tell her of.”
Well that made sense, Vladik conceived. Now that his questions were answered, he had a decision to make. Should he let this new girl into the club, into the worlds of powers, magic, and fantasy; the worlds of evil, enemies, and wars. He might be confusing her life in the tangle of powers. But, then again, being one with powers - and knowing that- was wonderful. And, the three could not fight an army of Valkyries alone, and the Confederacy would probably back out, as it did before when anything too big came up.
“Then she’ll join us,” Vladik concluded. It was the smartest decision. But the girl still had to choose whether or not she would want to join.
Ring! The loud bell signaled that it was time for lunch. The girl would have to make her decision soon, at recess.
The two strode back to their homeroom, where kids were getting their coats on and grabbing their lunches. Vladik opened his locker and pulled out his black thick coat and a striped red hat. Along with that, he grabbed a gray and blue lunch bag, heavy with it’s contents. The crowd around him was loud, and kept Vladik from thinking. Lockers were slammed as kids filed up behind their homeroom teacher. Vladik spotted the girl, walking in line awkwardly behind Mrs. Lehven. She was pretty tall, but not as tall as Kristos, which wasn’t too fair because he was a half-elf. Her eyes were a red, that was not common. In fact, Vladik could think of no normal mortal with red eyes. Maybe this was what had set Kristos off.
In line now, Vladik walked behind his classmates to the lunch room. Vladik passed the bathroom without washing his hands; he was hungry. Down the hall a little more, he reached a line of coat racks. He threw his coat to the floor next to one, on top of a pile of coats owned by people who did the same as Vladik. His hat he threw on a shelf nailed to the wall next to the racks.
Further down the hall, the class turned into a large room. Inside, kids were all ready lining up for hot-lunch. Vladik passed them by, and walked to his table, where Kristos was sitting. They ate, gossiping normally, as everyone else did.
Long, brown tables were lined up parallel to each other. A majority of the seats linked to the tables were occupied. Few were open, mostly in between the girls’ and boys’ sides of the tabled. Across from Vladik was Cole, who seemed to ignore them. Next to Cole was a few boys from class who had made friends with Kristos. They usually sat by Cole since the seats next to Kristos were always occupied by either Vladik, or some kid that wanted to sit by a friend. On a barely occupied table was the girl, eating a sandwich. She sat alone, the only kids by her were on another table. Vladik was reminded of all the friendship lessons they were taught in school: If someone needed a friend be on, and other stuff Vladik didn’t hear. Maybe he should have sat by her. But it was too late, he had already sat down. Rules were rules, and Vladik couldn’t switch seats after he had sat. They would talk to her at recess anyways.
But maybe we shouldn’t. It’s only her first day of school, Vladik thought. It might be best if they were to tell her later. Vladik turned to Kristos.
“Maybe this is too… soon,” Vladik whispered to Kristos. He looked for anyone who was watching, then spoke again. “She just came to school, and she’s probably already too overwhelmed.”
Kristos smiled, “You would be the one to care. Besides, she has already took an interest in our secrecy. It would be in her nature to know.” He had obviously dug deep into her mind. Vladik agreed, and continued to eat his bagged-lunch.
Once lunch was over, the lunch-aids called them to the exit, and they entered the hallway. Out there, they grabbed their coats and accessories. Vladik pulled on his thick coat, catching a glimpse of the girl, who was wearing her white jacket. He hastened his dressing, and scurried to the door.
The cold bit Vladik as he exited the school. Snow covered the ground, and soaked into his tennis shoes. The air was still and unmoving. Gray light came from the sky that was blanketed with pale clouds. Vladik walked on, until he crossed the bus lot, and reached the play-ground. Kids around him played in the snow and on the play-equipment. Tracks across the playground uncovered the ground from the snow, revealing woodchips. He continued onward, until he reached a large flat area. Nothing stuck up from the snow beneath his feet. He looked back to see Kristos guiding the girl towards him. Here we go.
A few yards away, Kristos stopped with the girl. He moved to the side so that they could all see each other by facing forward. He then began to introduce them. “Morgana, this is Vladik.” She nodded and smiled, unsure of what to say.
“Now,” Kristos smirked. “This ‘supernatural’ idea of us. If we were both superman, would you believe us?”
Morgana’s smile disappeared. “This.. That’s not the case though, right?” Vladik chuckled under his breath looking down.
“Kristos, quit playing with her,” He ordered humorously. “Tell her and get on with it.” His usual impatience showed once more. Kristos sat on the ground. “you might as well make yourself comfortable. This will be a long talk.” So the two sat down, and faced Kristos. Vladik showed visual boredom, but Morgana, on the other hand, was completely intent.
“Our story starts at the age of nine,” Kristos began. “It was then that Vladik was recruited to the Confederacy of Regnesor. He learned of his abilities, and swore into a pact. At his young age, not much was expected. He was given the simple tasks of training and recruiting. That is what lead him to me. I used to live in Germany with my parents, but they soon moved to America in search of jobs and a home. I began going to school here, after a month and a half of moving in and language tuition. There, I made no friends, as well as no attempts to make myself a social life. I liked it better in Germany, and still do. But I was soon brought to the surface by Vladik.
“A bully was trying to get me to give a ball, and my powers were finally unleashed. Vladik discovered my powers, and taught me. I soon was sworn into the position of a Apostle of Regnesor. A year later, we met Cole, a student transferred from a nearby school. He had powers, and too made a pact with Regnesor. Another year later, and here we are.”
Morgana questioned right away, but Kristos answered her. “Powers are our ‘supernatural’ abilities. We each have our individual strengths, and classes. Vladik here is a Dark Mage. He specializes in Dark Magic, and other Black Arts. Cole is a Sol-Magus. Using the energy of the sun, he casts magic of a unique category. And I,” Kristos smiled, happy to come to himself. “I am a Half-elf. Light Arts and magic related to life are my strengths.” He looked down to the ground, scooped away some snow, and found a small patch of dead grass. He lowered his hand over it, and it became green in seconds.

 

[Surmuck]

Hi welcome to Literary Analysis, I'm going to give this some hardcore critique just as soon as I can; but first I wanted to let you know that when your posting spoilers, we do indeed have a spoiler tag that you can use.

I edited your post to use it, just for the sake of cleanliness

Thanks!

 

[action]

Goody, already someone reading my story.

@Surmock: Sorry i didn't put in a spoiler. I thought about it, but for some reason i didn't P:

Sorry my story isn't too long yet, but still, it's better than those 2 paragraph chaptered stories. I'll work on it more when i have time. Right now, I'm not sure about Kristos showin' off at the end. :huh: Plus how everything happens so quickly... I will revise! *chant* XD

Please read and enjoy!
-Lonelyelf

 

[Surmuck]

Just for the record, whether your 12 or not - I don't change my critique.


HEY YOU
If you can't take a little harsh crit, don't open these spoilers because I can guarantee you you'll only leave disappointed or offended if your not committed to your work.

Spoiler: Your First Chapter

Wind blew his brown hair westward, as his hat fell off his head.

The comma is unnecessary. Get good at conventions :3

said the bully

As one of my teachers used to say, "said is dead". Again, a rule with exceptions - but one you should avoid.

who was manipulating the boy with force.

Show, don't tell. First rule of writing, and it's one that I will admit there are exceptions to - but not here.

The brown haired boy

The word boy is officially feeling overused. Also, it feels like your pressing details on me, instead of letting them be revealed with the natural course of the story. The rest of this sentence? Too many commas.

“I said,” the bully continued. “Give me the ball!”

Acceptable.

**Seriously? Your usage of commas is excesive, it ruins the flow of the story because of how frequently you use them. Cut back. Cut back. Cut back. Don't stop using them. Just cut back.

, and continued to do so.

I got the picture, this could be cut out to just make yourself less wordy. It's a tad pretentious, tbh.

The boy’s eyes had also changed form a bold blue, to a slate gray, with small pupils.

I repeat, the commas are ruining the story.

“You will never speak of this,” said the marked one.

Very lame, and very pretentious. 'the marked one' is just too much, and you've given away this much information in your first chapter. It's called overload, for anything but a short story.

Spoiler

There was no reasonable explanation for how Kristos was acting.

Generally poor. 'Reasonable explanation' makes this feel too...formal? I guess.

They had defeated him a year ago, and repelled him into a void.

Sorry, but this is just too much. Too much information, and it's not being revealed via natural progression of your characters along their designated plot lines. Too much.

This way he could not escape. By all means, dark magic was worth nothing inside of there. It was why Kristos and Vladik picked it as a cage for it. Could he have escaped?

What happened to your comma addiction? Now this, is too many sentences, and each though is relatively fleeting. Also, 'it' is not good enough of an explanation. There's little detail in who 'it' is, which is apparently, your only dabble in foreshadowing thus far. :sad:

No. Impossible.

Thanks, Captain Obvious. It's not clear at all that this person has come back from 'the void' at all, I wouldn't have guessed that at all.
Oh yeah, and thanks Captain Obvious. (In reference to you saying it's impossible, twice, in two ways."

So this “he” could not be the same “he” as Vladik was thinking.

Well, I guess we're playing guess who now.

Who else was a Rebellion of the Confederacy of Regnesor?

Annoyingly long title to just start spewing out this early in your story.

Coming to tell them of some unknown battle of some sort.

No.

“We should go to lunch,” Vladik held out his hand to Kristos, who was still on the floor of the hallway.

Well, that wasn't random at all. He's laying on the floor after just being unconcious, and this is Vladik chose to say to him huh? Well. Then.

only pausing briefly to see if any had noticed

Any what? Students? Coworkers? Random people? Define the atmosphere.

Then they entered the cafeteria, which was filled with the sounds of students talking, passing jokes, and spreading rumors.

Sounds like Hogwarts, but oh wait - it's the Rebellion of the...oh whatever. Or is it? I don't know, and normally I wouldn't target this - except beforehand you hadn't hesitated to tell me anything but now apparently it's all a mystery~

Three minutes at least.

Was that a joke? Oh jeeze.

Once Kristos joined into line for hot lunch, Vladik left with his lunch box for a table nearby.

I'm feeling clashing identities. A moment ago I pictured older teenage boys fighting an evil villain from who-knows-where, but now I'm getting 3rd graders attending lunch. Define. Define. Define. Because if you don't, I will for myself - and your really not giving me an inkling to go off of to even let me slightly into your definition over mine.

Every thing that just happened seemed to be pushed to the back of his mind. Everything in the room was normal, and loud, which kept him from thinking at all.

Overusage of 'everything'

Kristos recited

Recited, did he? Doesn't seem right to me. Off of a script?

With the tray at hand, he grabbed a milk, and scooped some mixed fruit into a bowl. At the end of the all-cart, he typed his number, spoke his name, and set off for the table Vladik was sitting at.

This sequence is annoyingly dull.

avoid conversing of what happened in public.

Your vocabulary is pretentious. Scale it down to the level you actually write on, and you'll be golden.

The reason was secrecy.

Well, thanks for that tidbit there. Show dont tell.

Vladik and Kristos were both apostles of the Confederacy of Regnesor a large group, of mortals who were capable of using magic.

Oh, I guess your back to your old-day ways of just spitting it all out. Look at Harry Potter (any book) for example, in the very first two pages (which is about what you have) did they come out and say
"Harry Potter is a wizard, he's going to go to Hogwarts - and Lord Voldemort is going to try and kill him several times."
No, they don't. Of course, your not telling the entire premise of your story - but *good* stories don't do it this way. They don't just say how thing are, they -reveal- how things are.

The Regnerok in mortals’ favor is what “regnesor” means.

You said they are mortals. Why wouldn't they be in mortals favor? Your structure is falling apart.

, Vladik, and several other Apostles of the Confederacy in their school, apart.

Why. It's secret
Also, this whole paragraph? It's just telling. And telling, and telling some more. Read a novel, and take notes on how they lay out their plot. It'll help you

His inhumane beauty and magic was elven, and the rest was natural and human.

Inhumane? Is his beauty just cruel to people? Let's try 'inhuman' next time, mkay?
Also, why would they hate him because he's beautiful? That's the opposite of real life, friend

He used the same magic that elves would use, tried to perform elven rituals, and had a personality close to that of an elf.

No shit? He's half elf. I would have assumed this, you don't need to play Captain Obvious. Again.

His mana was dark, and he could perform stronger, more powerful Dark Magic.

Let's tone down how geeky you sound.

Dear Vladik,
Iraq is hot. The sun is always shining. I wish I was home with you and your mom. I’ve made a few friends here, but not many. But even so, nothing has been boring. I write this letter as my bunk mate sleeps. He snores really loud! How is it in Minnesota? Cold? Has it snowed yet? If so, send me a picture of it. I’d love to see it! How is school? Getting all A+’s? Well, write back soon!
Love,
Your Dad

This is a terrible letter. Totally unrealistic.

It was the first letter since his dad left for Iraq.

Then I would have expected a hell of a lot better a letter than that.

Night fell quickly. Soon he was in his bed with his lights off. He was tired, and could not think. And his bed felt warm and comfortable. After a few minutes he fell into a deep sleep.

Boring sequence

“Vladik, It’s me,” said a soft whisper, much like a quiet symphony, harmonizing, that could not match with a human.
“Kristos!” Vladik whisper-shouted. “What are you doing here?”
“There is something I must show to you. Come,”

One of them is human. Let's try to imply at least tiny juvenile undertones to their dialogue. Tiny ones. I won't ask much of you

“Why did you bring me here,” Vladik questioned, his gaze flickering among the trees.

More conventional issues.
These paragraphs are okay though.

“That means whatever we sealed up, has just escaped.”
“But how?” Vladik mentioned. “Only you can reveal the seal.”
Vladik was confused now. The effort they put into creating the seal, building the mana for it, finding the right time.
“Yes, with magic,” Kristos answered. “But there are other ways.”

I don't think you mean reveal the seal. Also, the fact that I guessed this like a page ago just goes to show how poorly written that section was. The fact this is even happening so early is also bad.

I'll get your other parts done if I see your commited to making changes to your piece.

Thanks,
-Surmuck

 

[action]

Hmmm.... thanks. I'll look into those parts and look out for them again.

And, isn't that considered flaming? No offense and stop me if I'm wrong, but that's a rule and it sounds like it.

And I'm not so sure about the second chapter. The whole thing. The letter from Iraq, and Morgana coming so soon. Plus i want to revise the first chapter. Plus I'll fix the errors (the 15 minutes of errors) you gave me, surmuck.

And I'd like some other criticism. Some plot discussion or something other than my typing errors (that meas you, surmuck)


Well, thanks and enjoy!
-Lonelyelf

 

[Surmuck]

Hey, kid

HEY YOU
If you can't take a little harsh crit, don't open these spoilers because I can guarantee you you'll only leave disappointed or offended if your not committed to your work.

What I did isn't considered flaming, hell no. It's considered critique, and critique you'd do well to make some good off of. Also, for the record, your overuse of commas isn't a typing error. It's a writing error, as you certainly didn't make that many on accident. If you mistook what I wrote as 'flaming', then you need to have done a better read through of my handily attached warning. Feel free to PM me if your still offended by my critique.

Edit: Just for the record, if you ask for critique - as you did in your first post, don't ever respond to me not to give you the long list of issues with your writing. You didn't ask for a discussion on your plot (as incredibly cliche as it is), and I didn't give you discussion on your plot.
I gave you what you wanted, and asked for. I'm at no fault for that.

Thanks


I hope I've clarified your understanding of how things are done in this forum. Have a good one! :smile:

 

[action]

Sorry :blank: i dont' know.... ummm... i am going to update my story soon.