The Legend Of The Dark Star

[RATED-RKOFRANKLIN]

The Legend of The Dark Star

50 years ago in the nation of Neiration. A powerful man began an rebellion against the government. Many people sided with him to take down the government. The nation is in intense chaos. The entire world was shocked of what was happening in this peaceful nation. Turner the man behind the rebellion had power like no man has seen before. Neiration's King Ralph gave it his best efforts to stop Turner. However Turner wouldn't be denied, and lead his rebells to victory. Now the former King Ralph left the country with his family and closest friends. The world now looks at the new nation The Federation.

Over the next 50 years the world would become more industrialize. Many people was highly successful. Nations worked with one another. The Federation often work with other nations on top profitable projects. They was also known to have advancing technology at a fast rate. These were times of peace.

The world is now in utter chaos. The most advance nation in the world The Federation is on a mission to conquer the world. Many nations has fallen to The Federation. Other nations are in great fear because they could be next to fall. The Federation has it eyes set n Gauchet. A powerful nation but just like every nation it is weak compared to The Federation. A young man, Franklin has been summon to see the mayor of Herts. The mayor Jones wants Franklin and his nephew Harper to stop The Federation's evasion in Gauchet.

The Heros

Spoiler

Franklin-A young man at age 18 lives alone in the outskirts of Herts. Funny, arrogant, smart, and cool is what this man is about! Nothing will stop him from doing anything his eyes are set on. He always sees his opinions, actions, and beliefs to be always right. When angry he has very mean and heartless towards others. He has been trained to be a fighter since the age of 12. His favorite drink is Rootbeer! Although as fate would have it he is consider ugly by women but his friends and family thinks he is a nice or average looking man. He is often depressed because he has never had a kiss nor a girlfriend. He has a crush on Kim. At times she is all that he thinks about.

Harper-17 year old teen born in Herts. When he was ten years old his parents died from an accident that has yet to explain. He is quite at times. Rarely similes unless he is laughing at a joke from Franklin. He always puts his jobs before fun. He often gets angry when a lot of work is put on his shoulders. Someday he wants to settle and have a family but he may never have this in life as long as Turner is alive. He wants to make a positive difference in the world.

Kim-A beautiful mage with amazing magic and skills. She is 19 years old. She is very childish and playful. Unlike most female mages a lot of young men find her attractive. She only prefer men her age she finds to be cute and smart. With an innocent heart she protects and fights for her love ones.

Tyler-A young hunter at the age of 19. Hunting is his passion and his job locally in Hendburgh. He has vast knowledge of monsters, animals, and land. He love to joke around and does not take everything seriously. He is highly immature for his age.

Beth-A young woman at the age of 23. She is a trained warrior in the nation of Presion. She has fled her nation after Turner's empire took over. In a attack in her town, she lost everything she own even her family perished. To this day her solo objective is a avenge her nation and family. She has a bit of an attitude at times towards others. She also makes sure she speaks her mind about anything.

Randy-A 16 year old boy from Presion. Before Turner's empire took over his home land Randy was known as a theft. He would try to smuggle anyone. He lives alone in the ghettos with no family. As a young child his mother abounded him and left him at a church. Randy became a poor operand was tired of having nothing in life. Now with the rise of Turner Randy goes and steal food from Turner's troops and give the food to the rebels he is allied with. Randy is slick as any theft. If 50 dollars is in your pocket it will be gone. He is highly optimistic.

Daisy-A young girl at the age of 18. She was born and raised in the nation of Kinonica. In her counrty the King Miser has been a peace deal with Turner, but Turner has other plans. She is a cheerful and loving girl with a smile always on her face. She puts her friends before herself.

The Federation

Spoiler

Turner-He is a wicked man with hopes to conquer the world. He took over the nation of Neiration by starting a civil war. Once he had won he changed the name to The Turner Empire. He wants to use burtal force towards his enemies. No man, woman nor child is safe from him. He is a master of magic and weaponry.

Dark- A demon that was born human. When Dark was 10 he lived in Neiration, many years before Turner Empire had risen.One day Dark was fatally wound by an attack in his town by pirates . His friends left him behind when he needed them the most. Turner found him and saved his life but the only way to save him was making him into a demon. To this day he is Turner's right had man. Though out training he has grown his power to high levels and have gain many skills. He is determine to complete all of his missions in alter chaos.

Morrison-Just 23 years of age he is a top General of the The Federation. He is the master of the sword. He carries the legendary Nether Sword. Many people see him as a pretty boy. He believes in using the sword and there is no need to use magic. Unlike others he may not know magic but he is highly skill in his sword powerful enough to defeat anyone. Any action done by him by his free will is justify in his own eyes. Arrogant with good looks and skills he is one of Turner's most feared men. One of Morrison's most famous quot when confronted is "Me and my soldiers killed very man, woman, and child of this town. So is there a problem?"

Roy- He is another top general of the The Federation. His age is 28 but he does not look like it. He thinks deeply about with life and his decisions. On missions he chooses to allow the people to surrender with their lives. Killing a weak enemy proves nothing to him. Plus you can't rule over anyone if no one is left alive. At times he finds himself arguing with his best friend Leon over to kill the entire city or let them live. Secretly he sleeps with many attractive women in towns he has conquered. He is swift and fierce in battle.

Keely-A beautiful and seductive follower of Turner. She is wild and loves to watch her enemies stuffer in agony. She can easily notice other's feelings. At times she looks into her enemies eyes to see the fear.After victories she tortures imprison soldiers.

Blaze- A man at 35 years of age and is from Presion. When he was 27 he was place on trail for many crimes. They were rape, murder, and theft of property, in many counts for each crime. He did not comment the crimes and the government knew that as a fact. The people was giving the government a lot of pressure to find criminal so they used Blaze as a tool. He was found guilty on all counts and was given a life sentence. When he was 33 he found a way to escape for his freedom. Along the way he ran into the The Federation army with Morrison. He provided Morrison with a lot of useful information of his nation. His heart is fueled by anger and hate towards his nation. Nothing can make up for his lost time in life. He sees no hope in the world and it needs a change and that change in his eyes is Turner.

The Supporting Cast

Spoiler

King Issac-He rules Gauchet with an iron fist. He took over as king when his father died eleven years ago. When tough decisions have to be made for the people he tries to avoid them. There has been rumors about him having affairs with many women.

Sir Dwade-The prince of Gauchet. Rude, mean and cruel is this man on a daily basis. He sees himself better then everyone below him. To him no one has no authority over him nor have the right to judge him. Well train in the art of combat his skils are not as great as he think they are. Recently he has been boasting about being the man to defeat Turner.

Zeta- A warrior from Nishion. He is an wise warrior with knowlege of the past and present. He spends his days studying books, and training the body. Many books he studies come from all of the nations of the world. He may holds the secrets of Turner.

Keiran- He is a young man at the age of 27. In Gauchet he is a wanted man for theft. He will steal anything from anyone, and is the leader of a gang of thieves. The truth has never came of this man's mouth. He has a very bad temper, and does not care about his actions nor think of them.

Scene Shots

Spoiler

Credits

Spoiler

Franklin
Naramura-for the rtps

Comments Please. I'm open to criticism as well.

 

[Durastik]

Your mapping is truely horrible, you've pretty much cut pasted from the palette. I would reccomend reading the basic mapping tutorials in the Tutorial section.

Your spelling is appaling throught the post, you might want to run things through a spell checker before posting in the future.

I will give you ups for taking the time to come up with a cast of characters, however generic, at least they are there.

Peace

 

[RATED-RKOFRANKLIN]

I just checked the spelling again. There are no errors.

 

[bubbaclark]

Well yes you do have a few spelling and grammatical errors. There not that major though, but should be fixed, for example: "The man jump" does not really pass for a sentence. But overall, I give you props for making this "Okay" for a 1st game. You really need to improve your mapping though, I suggest tutorials, or go to youtube, and type in "willowsidhe", shes a great mapper, and has very good tutorials which helped me a whollllllle lot.

To comment on the story, I think its way too common, many games are exactly like this one, maybe you can be different than others.

 

[WildCard]

You're not very good at naming things. Some of the latter, and your story seem hoaky, and you use way to big of map space for what you actually need. Your inside maps need to be like, a quarter in size of what they are now, and as for the outside maps, they are very flat, add foliage, rocks, etc. cliffs even.

I'm no pro, and i've posted a bad idea or two, but I've learned how to do things better. Check the tutorials, some of them help A LOT.

 

[RATED-RKOFRANKLIN]

Some of my maps are big because it is a large town. Or the building is large. It wouldn't make sense to have a large building and then a small map inside. That does not match up.

 

[Zander]

Look at the world around you for the mapping, in your yard do you have one tree with a chunk of grass? Most likely not.  and compare your rooms with the houses, when do you walk into a huge open space for a house??

I threw this together very quickly:
http://i433.photobucket.com/albums/qq51 ... /Pic12.jpg[/img]

This is by far not great but, I think this may perhaps give you an idea of what I am talking about.


The battlers are O.K even though I hate the original fight system.

The story is very cliche, try to spice it. ( I think that's how you spell it  :blush: )

Cast Is the one thing I do think is decent, it seems you did spend some time on that, but they could use improvement in certain places.

And last ( what I hate the most ) is, look at the age of your playable cast. the oldest is 19? Every game has a teenager who has to go save the world with his/her buddy and fall in love with his\her childhood friend. Try makeing the players older.

All in all, if this is your first game, if you learned things while makeing it then it was good, if not, well then it's not good.

( btw it's not good if you make the story up in five minutes  :thumb: )

 

[Dalton]

I think you get us wrong.
We are not trying to be harsh we are trying to help. So you do not need to defend your work but maybe look at it a little different then before.

Basically you have some grammatical errors in here and I would recommend to change that if you want people to take your project serieously.

For your mapping: It is well possible that you are making large maps because you are aiming for a large town. But your maps look empty. Towns do not. Believe me: mapping towns is one of the most complicated things using RMXP. Look at some tutorials.
Your interior maps are way to empty too. Which is partly because how large they are. Make them a bit smaller and they will look way better.
(as a hint: Think of one tile as a aquare meter, than look at your rooms. They seem quite big now don't they?)

Your story is okay. I don't know where exactly it is going but we will see.

Your characters are... flat. They are what I like to call 2-Dimensional. They have some basic character traits and nothing more. Make them 3-Dimensional. Maybe give Franklin who never is stopped from anything he wants to do, something he hates so much, that whenever he encouters it he is pretty much fed up and doesn't care about his initial goal anymore.
Stuff like that can spice up characters.

Hope that helps

~Dalton~

 

[RATED-RKOFRANKLIN]

Ok after reading my story again. I know I can do better. So a new story is up.

 

[Zander]

When I read the first paragragh I though "Oh my god this is even worse", but the I read the second and third paragraph, It was that nice twist that won me over, better  :thumb:, you know what would be cool ( just my opinion ) that the group that killed him became currupted with power and not so much as became the worl power as to they basicly did what they wanted.) any-who much better.

Now to get your mapping together. (PM add ill try to point out some good things to do with mapping, if you want. (I'm not perfect, but i can help!).

I think with the new story and perhaps a lot of edits this could turn out to be much better!

Good luck with your game,

         -Zander-

 

[Sechs]

Alright, there are quite a few grammatical errors in the Background History. Example: "He gather the Legendary Weapons of Sigma...". Since the bad guy did that action in the past, it would be gathered not gather. Watch your verb tenses there. Having errors like these can make people be more reluctant to try out your game.

Next factor that I want to discuss, your characters. Take Franklin for example,

Franklin-A young man at age 18 lives alone in the outskirts of Herts. Funny, arrogant, smart, and cool is what this man is about! Nothing will stop him from doing anything his eyes are set on. He always sees his opinions, actions, and beliefs to be always right. He has been trained to be a fighter since the age of 12. His favorite drink is Rootbeer! Although as fate would have it he is consider ulgy by women but his friends and family thinks he is a nice or average looking man. He has a crush on Kim. At times she is all that he thinks about.

Well, I guess this character is either about average or below average. He seems to be the typical knight who ends up saving the day. How many times have we heard that?
Why did you put in that his favorite drink was root beer? Unless you want your game to be comedic, I suggest you remove that...
You have some work to do if you want this to be a decent project. I am not insulting your work, but trying to help you.

 

[bubbaclark]

Idk if its me or not. But just every time I read your story, it seems like you try so hard to use big, fancy words. A lot of the times I see them, they make no sense whatsoever. "Resources was scarce." well 1st, change that to were. Idk, the story seems cheesy to me.

Your screenshots, need more detail, (i.e. ground variations, plants, animals). And now, why is the game called "Then Legend of the Dark Star" if you don't mention anything about this "Dark Star"? More info for me, but it has potential.

 

[RATED-RKOFRANKLIN]

OK guys. I did added more information and characteristics to Franklin.

I won't say why "Dark Star" is in the title. That is giving too much information and is a spoiler for the story.


What do you guys think of the villains?

 

[bubbaclark]

I won't say why "Dark Star" is in the title. That is giving too much information and is a spoiler for the story.

Then how do you know what the actual "Objective" is to the game then? I mean you have to know what this "Dark Star" is or else its like useless.

 

[RATED-RKOFRANKLIN]

The Dark Star is the device The Federation creates during the war. Turner is trying to remake the Legendary Weapons of Sigma. The device can also be used as a weapon.

 

[bubbaclark]

Much better. Now I know alot more about the game.

 

[Wolfgang]

Hmm... it looks nice, but I would suggest making things less squared up. Put some dead / off color grass in spots and such. It would, visually, make the game more enjoyable. So far though, the mechanics and story seem to be very well thought out.

 

[RATED-RKOFRANKLIN]

I changed some of the story again.

Here is my newest map. I made it in 6 minutes. This is Franklin's Home

This is an item shop in Herts. I made it in about 18 minutes.

Here is an forest to Herts.

I hope more projects will be posted soon......very soon.

 

[Dalton]

Your new maps are still to empty...

Take your forest for example: I would have not known that it is a forest if you didn't tell me. The trees are so far away of each other, that I get the feeling to be on the plains.

You have to add detail. Look at tutorials.

 

[RATED-RKOFRANKLIN]

Ok, I did some work on those two maps. Not all of the forest is shown.