The Adventures of Love

[Love]

Hi all,

This is my Fan Fiction about lots of animes mixed, I have included a character that has my name, but it's not me and it does have her characteristics and shape.

Hope you enjoy.

***************************


Chapter 1: The beginning


The sun shined peacefully on an island, a huge beatiful island which most of it's land was taken by a huge building which was famous for it's name: Duel Academy.
In that academy, were the most famous and the most powerful duelists, who went to that academy especially to become even more powerful, but only those who are destinied to were going to get to their goal, which most of the academy's duelists couldn't get.
Those duelists, unlike most of the other duelists, didn't care for the winning in duels, all they cared for is having a fun duel, but did they always have the fun they looked for?

Jaden was simply sleeping on his bed, when he could feel the sun rising on his eyes, he woke up.
Beside him was his best friend, Winged- Kuriboh, the fury monster who was given to Jaden Yuki by the king of duelists and the king of games: Yugi Moto.
"Hey, good morning Winged- Kuriboh!", Jaden said as he stood up. "Ha ha, today I really feel like dueling someone! With me, winged- kuriboh?", Jaden said excitedly.
"Kury, kury", Winged- Kuriboh talked, as he couldn't speak humans' languages, only Jaden and those who are gifted to see monsters' spirits could understand him.
Knock, Knock
"Come in", Jaden said, surprised that someone would visit him at such a time.
"Hey, Jai", Love said as she entered the room, she used to call him "Jai" as a shortcut of "Jaden".
"Uh, hey Love!"
"So, are you going to the opening ceremony today?"
"The opening ceremony?! Is it today?"
"Ugh, don't tell me you forgot! Of course it is today, are you coming?"
"Uh, of course! When will it begin?"
"Is that a joke?"
"Huh?"
"Oh no, you forgot again, well it is going to begin after about two hours from now."
"Oh, so there is still some time."
"Yup, I'll probably go and have some rest on the top of the Academy, I spent most of the night training, you see."
"Cool, just make sure I don't beat you next time I duel you!"
"Ha ha, very funny", Love said as she left.

Why...why did you leave me, sister? Is that the love you promised me with...?
"Uh, who are you!"
I am your lost part...how could you leave me...how...
"Leave me alone!"
Why should I...? You promised to be with me forever...I can't leave you...neither can you...
"Ahhhh!!!!"

"Ah!", Love screamed as she woke up from her nightmare. She looked beside her, and found her dear friend, Happy Lover.
"Happy Lover? Is that you who woke me up?", Love said as she sat down on the floor.
"Aa aa", Happy Lover said.
"Ah, that nightmare...what could it mean...?", then as she spoke she could see a small something like an animal approaching her, it looked like a squirrel but it was purple and it had red eyes and a red glowing ball at the end of it's tail.
"Huh? What's that?", she said as the squirrel- like thing approached her.
"Hey Ruby!", she could hear a male voice, and then, the squirrel- like thing ran to a blue haired looking cute boy.
Love quickly stood up and walked to the blue haired boy.
"Hi there!", she said as she went to the boy.
"Oh, hi! Sorry if I disturbed you by coming here, but I was looking for Ruby."
"So it's name is Ruby? What is it?"
"It's a legendary monster, called Ruby Curbancle."
"Wow...wait, so that means you can see monsters' spirits!"
"Yup, and from seeing Happy Lover on your shoulders, I can say you can too."
"Well...that's right....so I didn't see you here before, are you new here?"
"Well, you can say so..."
"Ugh! The opening ceremony! Uh, sorry but I really have to go now, see you later!", Love said as she ran with Happy Lover to the opening ceremony.

Chapter 2: The opening ceremony


At the opening ceremony...

Love entered the hall, and seeing Jaden and the others beside each other, she sat beside them.
"Hi guys.", she said as she sat down.
"Hey Love, what made you come late?", Jaden said, he was the one just beside her.
"I fell asleep at the top of the Academy, and saw that nightmare...then I met a boy who kinda made me forget about the opening ceremony."
"Well, at least the opening ceremony is about to begin.", Alexis said as Principal Shiper and Crowler entered the hall.
"Good morning, all. As you all know, a new year has begun, and through our past years, I could see how powerful you will getting by time. Now this year, I have a great thinking for you all, Duel Academy has many parts all over the world, all full of talented duelists, so our Academy has decided to collect the best duelists from those Academies to here so that you all learn from them.", Principal Shiper began.
"Wow, great! So these guys are really coming here?!", Jaden said excitedly.
"So not to let everything long, I will begin introducing them now, beginning with: Axel Barody from West Academy!", Prinicpal Shiper said as a black colored skin boy entered.
He looked weird but tough, and he had a duel disk that looked like a gun.
"And from East Academy: Adrian Gecko!", a red haired boy entered, he had a big necklace around his neck and he looked like coming from the stone age.
"From South Academy: Jim Cook Crocodile!", a coyboy looking boy entered, he had a crocodile on his back, and a bandage on one of his eyes.
"Last but not latest from North Academy: Jesse Andersen!", but nobody entered.
"Jesse Andersen...?", Prinicipal Shiper said, he was confused.
"Jesse Andersen? The legendary duelist?", Chaz asked.
"Huh? Do you know that person, Chaz?", Love asked him.
"It is said that he is the one who has the crystal beasts."
"Crystal beasts? What are these?", Sirus asked.
"Once the Roman tried to collect seven crystals and use them to make a tablet, but while the crystals were on their journey on a ship to Roma, it sank and the crystals were lost at the sea."
"So? What happened after that?"
"When Pegasus found those crystals, he made seven monsters of the seven crystals, but he didn't sell them, instead he gave the crystals to a boy who won a toarnament, who was called Jesse Andersen."
"So that boy has legendary cards?! Wow! I would like to duel him soon!", Jaden said as soon as Chaz continued his sentence.
"Not until he comes.", Tyranno replied.
Suddenly, the door of the hall opened and the blue haired boy appeared, looking tired and trying to get his breathes.
"Ha! I think I got lost! This school is much bigger than ours!", he said as he started coming down the stairs.
"I can't miss that voice."
Love quickly stood up and said to the blue haired boy: "Oh hey!"
"Hey, it's you! Is the opening ceremony here?", the blue haired guy asked.
"Yup, by the way, did you meet a guy named Jesse Andersen somewhere around?"
"Jesse? He he, sure I did."
"Really? Do you know where is he?"
"Ha ha, yup."
"Really? Where?"
"The holy you are looking at! I am Jesse."
"Ah...", Prinicipal Shiper said in surprise.
"I am sorry, I guess I forgot to introduce myself before.", Jesse said rubbing the back of his head.
Love smiled and simply said: "That's ok, it happens to me sometimes!"
"So let me introduce him propebly, from North Academy: Jesse Andersen!", Principal Shiper said as Jesse jumped over to the other visitors.
"And so, to end this ceremony, we have decided to choose one of the new visitors to duel one of our students! And those will be...Jesse Andersen vs....", Principal Shiper said.
"Please be me..."
"...Love Duncan!"
"Yay! It's me!"
Love quickly ran to the others.
"Whoa, great, I get to duel her the first." ,  Jesse thought happily.

After an hour...

"Ready to duel?", Love asked Jesse as they stood in front of each other on the duel playground.
"Of course! Be ready to see my power!", Jesse said as he opened his duel disk.
"Bring it!", Love said as she opened her duel disk.
"Let the game begin!", Jesse said excitedly as he drew his 5 cards.
"Where did I hear this before...?"
"Let's duel!", both said.

 

[Skyla Doragono]

No, please, god, just stop.  Stop, stop, stop.  This is not how you write ANYTHING, fan fiction or otherwise.  Read some books.  Listen in English class.  And for God's sake, do some character studies BEFORE you start writing anything.

Also, don't write crossovers unless it would be believable that the two stories could exist in the same universe.  Don't just throw random anime's together and expect it to work.

Also, I swear to god, if your OC turns into a Mary Sue, I'm locking this.  >:|

 

[moog]

Why...why did you leave me, sister? Is that the love you promised me with...?
"Uh, who are you!"
I am your lost part...how could you leave me...how...
"Leave me alone!"
Why should I...? You promised to be with me forever...I can't leave you...neither can you...
"Ahhhh!!!!"

Atemu, I dont see what you are talking about at all! Love has done an exemplary job at specifically describing the heartfelt struggles of her characters, as seen in the quote above. This is probably the most creative thing I have seen in this shitty Writing forum. Great Job, Love!

May I please use this in my new upcoming RPG, "Chonicles of Fish"? I thought it would be best to ask your permission!

Why should I...? You promised to be with me forever...I can't leave you...neither can you...

This one quote.....mezmerizing...@_@

 

[Sic Semper Tyranosaurus]

This can't be real. You are not a real poster! You're simply a delusion, a hallucination brought on by my madness! Begone! Begone and torment me no longer!  :scream:

 

[moog]

This can't be real. You are not a real poster! You're simply a delusion, a hallucination brought on by my madness! Begone! Begone and torment me no longer!  :scream:

Sic....you have to believe....in the heart of the cards..

But all in all this is shit.

 

[Love]

Please guys, what I am trying to write here is my first ever fan fiction, I know it is not as good as you would want it, but I am still a beginner.
I am posting this here so I can listen to other's opinions and learn from their advice.
If this story is really bad, please tell me how can I improve.

@Atemu: Judging from seeing you a great fan of Yu-Gi-Oh, I am sure you know better than me, but I do see that my characters are acting the same as the anime, and I know my English isn't that good, but you have to understand that I am Arabic and I am a home schooler.
I know mixing animes won't work, but if it is done carefully, it will.


@Moogle Von: I don't know what that means...Are you trying to make fun of me or something? Sorry if not.

 

[moog]

Ok, first let me apologize for acting like a faggot. Thats actually very obnoxious and I wouldnt like it either!

Secondly, try to make it more original; that is to say, not make it sound like it was an exact rip of the show-with tie ins. Try to make more of your own original characters and stuff. Im not a fan of Yugioh, but if you ask Atemu she'll prolly help you out.

Thridly, Try to make your chapters a little longer and more developed! Be more specific in the hopes it will draw your readers in. Your grammar is quite good for someone who is Arabic, so no issues there.

Try implementing those things and see what happens. I almost NEVER visit this forum so perhaps someone else can give you better crits than I. Good luck!

 

[Love]

Thanks for your advice, I will certainly try to use it.:smile:

 

[Surmuck]

Oh boy! Ohhhh boy. This is the moment I've been waiting for - the moment. And I'm on vacation too. This is just a bundle of fun.

Okay, so you want help....leeeeets go.

The sun shined peacefully on an island, a huge beatiful island which most of it's land was taken by a huge building which was famous for it's name: Duel Academy.

Very first sentence, which is can (alot of the time) be the make-or-break of your piece. This one, to put it harshly, is weak. While I am no anime fan, so I can't really say anythin for sure. the bland 'Duel Academy' already sets me off wanting to read the rest. Frankly, this sentence doesn't pull me - and work could be done on it to give it the edge of capture, while at the same time accuratley getting the same point across.

In that academy, were the most famous and the most powerful duelists, who went to that academy especially to become even more powerful, but only those who are destinied to were going to get to their goal, which most of the academy's duelists couldn't get.

No. Your going to want to keep in mind that when you use the same word, several times, in the same sentence - it just makes the whole thing sound bad an unoriginal. Almost like you couldn't think of anything else to say, so you went the route of just saying the same thing. Now, I trust this wasn't intentional, but in this sentence you used the word 'academy' three times, and the word duelists twice. Now, this should be avoided in two seperate sentences - and even worse in just one. I noticed this at several points about the whole piece - but I'll probably only mention it once or twice - so just keep it in mind, okay?

Those duelists, unlike most of the other duelists, didn't care for the winning in duels, all they cared for is having a fun duel, but did they always have the fun they looked for?

Oh god. This sentece was the most anti-climactic thing I've ever read - not that its predeccessors were very upbringing either I guess. Sorry, but I don't want to hear their all going to an academy where only the best can suceed - and then a paragraph later your telling me that 'oh wait! there just doing it for fun!'. That just doesn't work.

Jaden was simply sleeping on his bed, when he could feel the sun rising on his eyes, he woke up.
Beside him was his best friend, Winged- Kuriboh, the fury monster who was given to Jaden Yuki by the king of duelists and the king of games: Yugi Moto.
"Hey, good morning Winged- Kuriboh!", Jaden said as he stood up. "Ha ha, today I really feel like dueling someone! With me, winged- kuriboh?", Jaden said excitedly.

Oh yes, let me roll out of bed and just announce to my winged-kuriboh that I 'really feel like dueling someone'. Set the mood, make him sound like he's tired at the very least. Who wakes up a ball of sunshine and just 'feels like dueling' the second they wake up? I'm not a fan of the show (at least not in its recent generation); but I certainly hope its not like....this.

Kury, kury", Winged- Kuriboh talked, as he couldn't speak humans' languages, only Jaden and those who are gifted to see monsters' spirits could understand him.
Knock, Knock
"Come in", Jaden said, surprised that someone would visit him at such a time.
"Hey, Jai", Love said as she entered the room, she used to call him "Jai" as a shortcut of "Jaden".
"Uh, hey Love!"
"So, are you going to the opening ceremony today?"
"The opening ceremony?! Is it today?"
"Ugh, don't tell me you forgot! Of course it is today, are you coming?"
"Uh, of course! When will it begin?"
"Is that a joke?"
"Huh?"
"Oh no, you forgot again, well it is going to begin after about two hours from now."
"Oh, so there is still some time."
"Yup, I'll probably go and have some rest on the top of the Academy, I spent most of the night training, you see."
"Cool, just make sure I don't beat you next time I duel you!"
"Ha ha, very funny", Love said as she left.

Bad dialogue. I'll just say it that way. While in this particular slice you've shown more individual personification, it's not fitting together right. When your talking about Love calling him Jai - you say it in the past tense, even though she just said it. Obviuosly she didn't 'used' to call him Jai. She does it currently...
'Knock knock' is a bland sentence. I'm more inclined to think of a knock-knock joke than the sound of someone actually knocking on the door. Adjectives are really great, by the way. Get a sticky note or something, and just underline it - like twenty times. The whole dialogue is bland, now that I think about it. "oh no, you forgot again". It's like you were going to speak in a scolding manner, and then changed your mind. It sound's like their strangers or something, really - besides the nickname bit.

Why...why did you leave me, sister? Is that the love you promised me with...?
"Uh, who are you!"
I am your lost part...how could you leave me...how...
"Leave me alone!"
Why should I...? You promised to be with me forever...I can't leave you...neither can you...
"Ahhhh!!!!"

As others have stated, this needs to be nix'ed or something. Not working, at all. Poor shot at adding some sort of intense moment to a very weak story, with zero transition into it to begin with. With a...substantial..amount of improvement, to the story and your overall writing skills this could be much better. Pick up a book on writing dialogue or something. This was totally out of the blue, changing characters. Makes the whole thing confusing, before and after.

"Ah!", Love screamed as she woke up from her nightmare. She looked beside her, and found her dear friend, Happy Lover.
"Happy Lover? Is that you who woke me up?", Love said as she sat down on the floor.
"Aa aa", Happy Lover said.
"Ah, that nightmare...what could it mean...?", then as she spoke she could see a small something like an animal approaching her, it looked like a squirrel but it was purple and it had red eyes and a red glowing ball at the end of it's tail.
"Huh? What's that?", she said as the squirrel- like thing approached her.
"Hey Ruby!", she could hear a male voice, and then, the squirrel- like thing ran to a blue haired looking cute boy.
Love quickly stood up and walked to the blue haired boy.
"Hi there!", she said as she went to the boy.
"Oh, hi! Sorry if I disturbed you by coming here, but I was looking for Ruby."
"So it's name is Ruby? What is it?"
"It's a legendary monster, called Ruby Curbancle."
"Wow...wait, so that means you can see monsters' spirits!"
"Yup, and from seeing Happy Lover on your shoulders, I can say you can too."
"Well...that's right....so I didn't see you here before, are you new here?"
"Well, you can say so..."
"Ugh! The opening ceremony! Uh, sorry but I really have to go now, see you later!", Love said as she ran with Happy Lover to the opening ceremony.

Excuse me, but wtf? Love is a girl, right? Okay, I know you didn't really clarify where we were having the nightmare a moment ago - but seriously, who's not a little freaked out when you wake up and theres someoen in your room? Somehow she picked up zero shock value from this encounter. Weeeeird. More poor dialogue though, and lack of explanation as to who Happy Love is, stop leaving everyone in the dark. I know fan fics. are generally aimed at people who watch the show, but still...paint a picture. Stories can be lame, even if they already have a collection of television shows that they are modeled after - I still want to know what people look like, from your perspective.

If you go through the effort of fixing chapter one; I'll be happy to go through and offer my advice for chapter two. By the way, neither of them really  qualify as chapters.

I believe she is the chosen one.

 

[Despain]

Also, don't write crossovers unless it would be believable that the two stories could exist in the same universe.

Like Yu-Gi-Oh and Harry Potter, for example.