That Damn Clock

[Pokémaniac]

Just a little thing I wrote for a school assignment. Had to be 300 words long and based around "tension". I realized I've never posted any of my art/writing(although I don't do particularly much of either except for games) and so, why not? I have a day before I have to hand it in, so I'm still taking feedback, and I'm such an attention whore that I always am anyway. Ta-dah!

That Damn Clock

Tick… Tick… Tick…

Ten minutes left. I was stumped.

Tick… Tick… Tick…

I don’t understand, I thought. I’ve done all of this. I know it! … So why can’t I get any of it onto my paper?

Tick… Tick… Tick…

I tapped my pencil against my desk and fiddled with the paper. These are my half-yearlies! I have to do well on my half-yearlies! I was sweating like a pig. Why do they put so much pressure on us? How am I meant to handle this for the rest of my school life?

Tick. Tick. Tick.

Are those ticks moving closer together? It’s almost like the clock is trying to mess with my head! I was shaking, fussing, tapping, the works. I took another deep, steady breath. Concentrate. “10X - 3 = 73. Find X.”. Well, I know where to find X. It’s next to the ten and the three!

Tick. Tick. Tick.

I growled at the clock. Shut up, I’m getting somewhere here. Now, X equals ten, right? Or is that just with Roman numerals? What’s going on here? I don’t understand any of this! This is too hard-

Tick, tick, tick.

My head exploded with thoughts. If these are the half-yearlies, how badly will I do in the yearlies? What about the school certificate – or worse, the HSC?!? At this rate my parents will have kicked me out by the time I’m in Year 9 and-

Tick, tick, tick.

Two minutes left and I was barely a page into the exam. I was about to erupt. But the clock just kept on ticking, mocking me, laughing at me for being such a failure. The ticks seemed to get closer and closer together until I couldn’t here myself think.

Tick tick tick TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICK-

“I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANY MORE!” I jumped out of my seat and marched up to the menacing clock, tore it off the wall, smashed it into the ground and then stamped it until it was little more than scattered parts.
Tick… Tick… Tick… it cried, until it ticked no more. Finally freed from my burden, I walked back to my seat, my class staring in a stupor, and completed my test in silence.

 

[Daxis]

hahaha the person in the paper is really stressed out. i think the tick of the clock wasn't as unobtrusive to the story as it could have been- all the tick tick ticks were quite obtuse. the buildup was a bit hollow at the middle, but was pretty okay for the most part

 

[dadevvtsvre]

It feels really empty. It's not so much a story as it is some guy getting frustrated at a clock. There's not really a theme or central message, which is alright because it's not trying to be. But it's missing a subtlety that I think would really improve this. It feels loose and unfocused, and it's sort of all over the place.

It's really simple so there's not much else to say. I can see that you're trying to create a sense of tension but it's not coming across too well. Part of it is because your word choice is kind of weak in some parts - could use some stronger verbs to tighten up your sentences and cut off some extra fluff.

Instead of having the narrator constantly refer directly to things on the test, it might work better if you indirectly reference the test. Like, instead of this,

Concentrate. “10X - 3 = 73. Find X.”. Well, I know where to find X. It’s next to the ten and the three!

maybe try something more like this

The problem stares at me, the answer eluding my every move. I concentrate on the numbers, half expecting the solution to leap off the page. But the ink is dry, and the question isn't moving. I don't know the answer.

(word choice and structure is purely stylistic; you'd modify it to fit your own methods obviously)

You might find that you'll get a bit more direction and focus with this. (or maybe not this is just my advice :I )

The last paragraph in particular bothers me a little. It feels like there could be so much more done with it, instead of "narrator gets up and smashes clock; class is bewildered". There's not enough of a release for the narrator, considering the entire story revolves around his anger towards it. At the very least, elaborate a bit more on his feelings as he destroys it and post-destruction, or if you want to try a different angle, focus more on the class' reaction. Just stretch it out more to give a satisfying ending.

hope i'm not too late!!

 

[Pokémaniac]

Hey guys!

I - I handed it in today =/

There's lots of good advice here, things I hadn't really thought of. Definitely next time I'll try and put some more focus into the writing.

Although I will say that the story was really meant to be about the tension, not the fallout afterwards. I was already ~75 words over (40 without the ticktickticktickticktickticks), so I decided to just kind of round it off there. I was kind of going for a bizarre type of ending; I mean it's kind of obvious that he's gonna get told off and have bad things happen to him, and I just didn't think it would be worth going on. But, I mean, everyone's different, right?

 

[Jason]

Were you writing this while in a test?

It wasn't too bad actually, but I do agree that you overused the word "tick" a little, although I don't really know how you could simulate a clock without them.

 

[candle]

In the fourth line, "I thought" is unnessecay because italics are standered as expressing thought. If you did want to kepp it, though, "I thought" would nott be in italics. Also, your equation seems off to me.

10x-3=73
10x-3+3=73+3
10x=76
10x/10=76/10
x=7.6

Usually, with these types of equations (especially for a test that is not at college level), x is going to be a whole number, not a fraction or decimal. However, this could just be a typo as x would equal 7 if it was +3 instead of -3.

 

[Pokémaniac]

x_x That's because I'm an idiot and never worked it out

I believe I meant 10x + 3 = 73

Oh well my English teacher is maths-incompetent anyway so ~