Strawberry's Writings

[StrawberrySmiles]

I'm kind of an amateur writer (and really nervous about posting this - but I figured I needed some feedback), but I enjoy writing a lot - so I thought I'd post this WIP story here. It's not finished, and I don't know if I ever plan on finishing it (it's a story I've had in my head though since the dawn of time, though) - probably due to lack of motivation. When I was younger I think I had it in me, but nowadays, I think my self esteem just makes me not continue with this anymore. I want to, deep down inside - though.

It's supposed to be a Cinderella-esque story about a young girl who was raised by her step-mother and father and she lived with her step-sister, Teia. Her father dies, and her mother and step-sister treat her horribly, etc. etc. There was going to be some twists in it that I've thought up over the years, I hope so anyways. XD

Enough of me talking, here's the actual story. ^_^

Spoiler

She laid there, face first in a puddle of her own blood, dead. I should feel something, anything for her – yet I don’t. She was my sister, after all. No, not my sister; my step-sister. She had dark brown hair, while mine was golden blonde. Her eyes were blue, but mine were green. We shared two different mothers and fathers. We were sisters only by marriage of my father to her mother. However, shouldn’t I feel sadness?

A little girl’s scream broke my thoughts. I looked up and glanced around to see villagers gathering. We were in the middle of town, where the fountain was gushing out water like a volcano. I backed away from the body, and away from the crowd. I suddenly started to feel queasy, so I looked away and saw Xan Kinsmoore running towards me.

“Aeri!” He called. “Aeri… I heard what happened! Is it true?”

All I could do was point my head towards the fountain and watch him nod his own head as he approached Teia’s body. I didn’t watch him examine her because for some reason I knew exactly what had happen. She was murdered; stabbed in the heart with a dagger. The only thing I don’t know was by whom. I didn’t care to know; it wouldn’t change a thing. She would still be dead.

Xan pulled my head towards his broad chest and started combing through my hair with his fingers. I wanted to cry, but for a different reason than Teia’s death. Xan was leaving tomorrow to fight for our kingdom. Because of his noble status, he was automatically added to the military roaster. It wasn’t fair, but there was nothing I could do about it.

“I’m really sorry, Aeri,” he said to me as he hugged me tighter.

I pulled away from him and looked at him. Tears began to run down my face as I studied his features. His long brown hair was tied in low half-ponytail and touching his face I could feel a little stubble on his chin. His dark blue eyes stared at me with such gentleness – I should remember this moment forever. There might not be many other times after this.

“How do you feel? You’ve hardly said a word, Aer,” Xan rubbed my shoulder.

“I-I’m fine,” I told him. “I was just thinking about today and… tomorrow.”

“Oh, see,” Xan replied. “Don’t worry about tomorrow right now. Okay? I know it’ll be hard to cheer up after what happened to Teia, but please-“

“I don’t care about what happened to Teia!” I shouted.

I heard several gasps and murmuring all around me. I looked around to see villagers looking at me.
“I mean, I’m not worried about that,” I said quietly. “You’re the only person I have left right now, and you’re going to be leaving tomorrow.”

“Don’t worry, Aeri, I’ll return sooner than you think,” Xan told me.

That night we sat on a giant hill on the south side of town and looked up towards the stars. It was Xan’s idea for us to spend our last night together alone, so we could talk about things. Since we buried Teia earlier I haven’t really said a single word to him. There was just too much on my mind. None of it, dealt with my dead step-sister, though.

“Aeri, you have barely said a word,” Xan said, stating the obvious. “Are you thinking about what happened to Teia? Or are you thinking about tomorrow?”

I sighed. “Tomorrow, Xan… Tomorrow…”

Xan turned towards me and smiled. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll be back before you know it.”
I could see the water in my eyes as I blinked. Tears began to roll down my cheeks as my mouth started to quiver. I didn’t want him to go. I wish we could run off to the country so no one could find us. Why don’t we?

I looked at him and wiped away my tears. “Why don’t we leave to the country? No one would find you there! We could start a life there!”

Xan laughed. “I can’t do that. I made an obligation to the kingdom when I signed up! The guards will come after me, and then you, for sure!”

“How can you laugh? You’re leaving tomorrow! This might be the last time we get to see each other…” I bowed my head.

 

[Daxis]

maybe not "see the water in my eyes" cause that's kinda weird to think about. I would suggest "feel" instead.

Bowed seems kind of wrong, as it sort of connotes a feeling of weakness, submission, etc. Lowered might be better, and maybe add something extra at the end to take away the abruptness of how it ends, like "I lowered my head, feeling sickness and sorrow in my heart."

the pacing moves tremendously fast. First we are introduced to the main character, which was quite refreshing. However, It's hard to take away this feeling that aeri murdered her sister those first couple of paragraphs. The dialogue is mostly okay, I had no major problems with it. But it moves pretty fast. Not sure how long you WANT the story, but if it's just some sort of short story or novella, then that's okay, the pacing is fine. Anything longer, you might have to add some text and lighten the blow of how it moves.

by the way, a small gramatical thingey: After a dialogue, the next letter is lowercased if it's saying who said the dialogue.
"I see you," he told me.
NOT
"I see you," He told me.
The "he told me" is part of the dialogue.
HOWEVER
if the dialogue ends in a period and the next sentence is a seperate entity...
"I can feel this." He looked away.
Then it should be uppercased/captilaized, as they are different sentences

“Aeri!” He called. “Aeri… I heard what happened! Is it true?”

that was where I noticed it. Nitpicking, I know.

 

[StrawberrySmiles]

Yeah, I have this problem where I can't describe things very well and I always "get straight to the point". I don't really know the length of the the story - but I don't think it's going to be very long. I was originally going to make a comic, but my drawings are mediocre, so that was out of the question for me. I thought I'd start writing and just design characters instead or something. @_@

Thanks for reading and helping me out! :3

 

[Daxis]

My advice: read a book, and notice how they do things. It's obscene how many authors can describe things so much and so well and no one would ever realize how good it is. Especial stephen king. That dude puts so much good detail that doesn't really get boring; it's fucking obscene. Others don't add no crap at all, but manage to extend events and crap long enough to make the book long enough.
Eventually, after writing for a while, you get used to it. I started writing at 11 or 12, and it's only in the past year or so that my writing holds a good level of detail/text.

 

[dadevvtsvre]

the pacing moves tremendously fast. First we are introduced to the main character, which was quite refreshing. However, It's hard to take away this feeling that aeri murdered her sister those first couple of paragraphs. The dialogue is mostly okay, I had no major problems with it. But it moves pretty fast. Not sure how long you WANT the story, but if it's just some sort of short story or novella, then that's okay, the pacing is fine. Anything longer, you might have to add some text and lighten the blow of how it moves.

this this this this this is the biggest problem with this. you can't tell a story like this in such a short amount of words. either you need to lengthen the story or trim out the superfluous details so it has a succinct plot that gets right to the point.

as far as your writing ITSELF, it's actually not bad! you don't overuse adverbs (which tends to be a big problem among beginners, including myself) and it's very clear and concise. it could maybe use a bit of spicing up as it's a bit bland right now, but that just takes lots of practice and you'll develop your own voice in time.

one more thing

She laid there, face first in a puddle of her own blood, dead. I should feel something, anything for her – yet I don’t. She was my sister, after all. No, not my sister; my step-sister. She had dark brown hair, while mine was golden blonde. Her eyes were blue, but mine were green. We shared two different mothers and fathers. We were sisters only by marriage of my father to her mother. However, shouldn’t I feel sadness?

this is largely my own opinion but i would leave out the stuff about eye and hair colour. beginner writers tend to sometimes describe their characters in a list-like fashion. hair and eye colour are two common descriptors that signal amateurish writing. unless we really need to know her eye colour, unless it's imperative to the plot, we don't really even need to know it. much of the fun of reading is using your imagination to fill in the blanks the author has left, and this includes how a character looks.

by the way, i'm not saying you're actually doing any of this, but it's more of a caution so you don't fall into the trap of doing it in the future. like me! it's a pain to try and get out of it.

i could comment more but it's pretty late and i'm really tired so good luck!

 

[dadevvtsvre]

My advice: read a book, and notice how they do things. It's obscene how many authors can describe things so much and so well and no one would ever realize how good it is. Especial stephen king. That dude puts so much good detail that doesn't really get boring; it's fucking obscene. Others don't add no crap at all, but manage to extend events and crap long enough to make the book long enough.

quoted for truth. reading is one of the best ways to improve your writing, especially if you go through some good books and dissect the plot and characters to see how it's all put together. plus the simple act of reading is training your mind to notice details and creating vivid pictures in your head, something you should try and do as a writer.

that's not to say you'll get better solely by reading but it certainly helps! read what books are similar to what you're interested in writing and find out which authors are regarded as the best.