Story Line i created for my game

[denn!z]

I made a begin in the story line for my game called Mind Burn
I don't know if it's a good one so comment how i can do it better.

Characters

Dennis
Class: Warrior
Age: 18
Weapon: Swords
Living place: Moradon

Jos
Class: Assasin
Age: 17
Weapon: Daggers
Living place: ???

PROLOGUE
The town of Cottswel is destroyed by an unknown unknown but the reason is unknown
You start in Moradon, strange things are happening round town. People are dissapearing
There's a great panic in the town, because the villagers are afraid that they dissapear too.
In one night, Dennis woke up, because he heard sounds from outside. He decides
to take the back door and sneak around the house to see what's happening.
He sees some silhouettes talking about the crystal of fire. Dennis' turning around
but stands on a tree branch. The silhouettes turns around to Dennis..
Dennis try to run away but a spell is suddenly casted on him and everything
turns black.

CHAPTER 1
When Dennis Wakes up, he looks around and sees that he is in a cell.
He thinks that he don't have been in this cell before.
He looks out of his balusters and sees that many others are captured with him
Dennis yells to one of the other prisoners asking what place they are. Nobody seems
to know the answer-END

 

[RnLGG]

I like your beginning and this could look really good if you did it right. The rest of the story could be really good if you do it right and make it unpredictable. Good work. :thumb:

 

[ebhz.Ash.4rm]

The town of Cottswel is destroyed by an unknown unknown but the reason is unknown.

Whoa! Shit! Just Whoa!

You can't have a story plan with just, unknown unknown because of unknown. This can't be judged as good or bad fairly yet because it's just too underdeveloped. The premise seems bland and generic as is, I mean there's no mystery created or wonder about events cos it's just like you don't know what's happening either. Come up with some solid facts to this story and then you can start getting somewhere.

 

[RnLGG]

"The town of Cottswel is destroyed by an unknown unknown but the reason is unknown." Yeah I noticed this but like PixelJunk.Eden said it is still a little under developed. I think it could turn out good though.

 

[QuantumMindGames]

The town of Cottswel is destroyed by an unknown unknown but the reason is unknown.

Whoa! Shit! Just Whoa!

You can't have a story plan with just, unknown unknown because of unknown. This can't be judged as good or bad fairly yet because it's just too underdeveloped. The premise seems bland and generic as is, I mean there's no mystery created or wonder about events cos it's just like you don't know what's happening either. Come up with some solid facts to this story and then you can start getting somewhere.

all this I agree with...


and to add to this, does the entire first chapter really consist of him opening his eyes, looking around a room, and then yelling and getting a couple of replies? That's a paragraph and about 1-2 minutes of gameplay, which would be mostly - if not all - cutscenes and events! I don't know how to say this other than, that will NOT do. When you read a book, it's not 5 chapters per page. That's the equivalent of what you wrote, if not more.

There's really not much to this storyline, it needs quite a bit of work and addition to the first chapter mainly. The prologue's size is alright, since it's an introduction to the game. However, as Pixel said, it's also far too underdeveloped, shows no intrigue to the player in the storyline, and much like women - players usually make up their minds if they are going to stick with this within the first few minutes of seeing it. If you don't deliver something interesting right away, you won't have anyone interested.

 

[dadevvtsvre]

If you want to have a project thread open in Project Discussion then you're going to have to add at least two screenshots from your game to the thread. If you want to keep your thread in Project Discussion then you're going to have to add some screenshots. I can move the thread over to Concept Development if you'd like for comments on your concept stuff like characters, plot, and gameplay otherwise. Remember that you're allowed to have a thread open in both Project Dicussion and Concept Development so long as the latter contains no screenshots and is not just an advertising thread, rather, you're looking for serious critique.

 

[denn!z]

Thank's guys, I'm not good in writing storylines because I'm a Netherlander, but with the tips of you guys i can make some better storyline

 

[QuantumMindGames]

there are some tutorials that would be a great help to you to look over, at least just browse through it a little, in the tutorials section...

http://www.rmxp.org/forums/viewtopic.php?f=48&t=50622

try the section on this page that links to the Writing Tutorials. second section down on the page.

 

[LiquidMetal91]

Dude, don't say "Netherlander". Say "Dutchman" instead...

Looks kinda awkward This saying from a dutchmans view...

Though the mod was right, this is posted in the wrong forum

The story, there's 2 mutch "unkown"
And the cell thing.. Has he been in cells before? Is he a crimenal? Your info is to less for a story, you got more of a guideline.

Gr. LM91

 

[Triforce]

No offense, but this seems incredibly cliche`.

 

[boon]

Sorry to dadevster, but this dude was issued a change-or-move command about 12 days ago, I'm moving this to CD.

 

[Numb]

He thinks that he don't have been in this cell before.

Haha.
Is English your main language?

Critique:
The story seems incredibly cliche, it needs work.
(At least you don't have to kill a dragon...)
The Prologue seems kind of cliche too and how would several people be put into cells without knowing about it?