Story Critique, please?

[Vaughands]

Link removed due to rules.

I know, its in a download link. Some of you may not think it's that safe, but I can assure you the document is clean if it counts for anything... anyhow I'd love some feedback. I don't expect haha, that's awesome! I expect more negative then anything, but I'd like to get better .

Thanks as always, Vaughan.

Crap, I read the rules... sorry:

Spoiler

Story
The name is Adrian Zephyr. I’m nothing but an imperial servant here at Zeui, that’s how I was raised here. I remember how I got here at first, it really was gruesome… I still remember those horrifying events. Although most parts a blur, I can make out how most of it went.
Flames beckoning death, I see them everywhere. I was only a few years old. The imperial army of Zeui had invaded my home and stolen me away. There was a quick siege on my house, and my house alone. They told my parents if I didn’t cooperate that they’d be killed. Most parents wouldn’t just give up their child, especially they’re only. So naturally, my parents tried to fight the Zeui… at first you’d think they’d stand a chance against the two soldiers, but all I remember was one the soldiers screeching some weird words and a blinding light coming from under the oak door to my room.
One of them charged into my room and took me away; I was probably about seven years of age at the time, I really don’t know. You see I’m already age fifteen now so it’s difficult to remember such a long time ago. I’ve been living in Castle Zeui for a long time; I can’t even remember what my home looked like. They’ve raised me up here with no intent to hurt me it seems, but I really don’t know why they do this and why me of all people?
As a servant here, you really can’t do much. You attend to the work they give you and don’t complain. They’re not horribly cruel to you, but maybe that’s just me. I’m given a few assignments a day to complete by a certain time, it’s not so bad. I really don’t know life outside the castle so I can’t complain. Sometimes I wish I could escape and just leave… just see the outside world. Life outside the castle, you know?
On my free time I watch the soldiers swing their blades around, they swing them so quick and skillfully. I’ve got a friend down there anyway, Adam. Adam just loves to swing his sword about as they teach him. He likes to be brute and offensive and often gets in trouble with his instructor for disobeying rules. He dislikes being taught how to fight, and feels he should be allowed to develop his own technique. Sometimes he’ll take an extra sword from the racks after his classes and we’ll spar. Adam always wins of course since he hates to lose, but I still learn a lot from him.
Did I mention there are always strange people running in and out of the castle? They’re dressed in funny black robes all ruffled up. They usually carry these little books with them that have a gold seal on the cover. I always wanted to know what they contained but it looked like they’d kill anyone who dared get in their way. They never seemed to talk, just walked from the door to the king’s chamber.
I was finishing my rounds of things to do for the day, and one of the people in the robes was running by, it was strange they’re usually not in a rush. As he ran by he stumbled and dropped the book a few feet away from me. I rushed over to the book before anyone could see me and picked it up and rushed to my room in the castle quickly. I quickly threw it in my dresser, finished my duties and returned promptly.
The book was secure, but I dare not to open it. Who know what it could do? I rushed down to Adams room quickly to tell him the news. Right before I knocked on the door, I hesitated. Adam can be such a show off sometimes, what if he goes and tells the entire castle? I could be in some grave trouble then. Suddenly, as if someone was reading my mind the door opened. Adam was walking out of his room.
Adam had asked me if I had something I had to tell him, and I said not quite. I decided somehow in my mind to show him the book. As I led him to my room I had to be very careful nobody had overheard us or was following us. When we finally got to my room I had rushed right over to my drawer and tore the book out of the drawer.
We promised to analyze it together tomorrow, and Adam told me I couldn’t open it without him. I didn’t bother getting changed and just darted to bed. I couldn’t wait… I just couldn’t. Did you really expect me to wait after so long, I’m not one to prolong. I’m writing this all down in my journal before I do anything, if anything does happen to me it’ll all be here. So here I go…

 

[Rey_JJJ]

Sounds pretty cool, the suspense makes me want to read the next chapter.
Also there's a slight grammatical error...

Spoiler

Story
...Most parents wouldn’t just give up their child, especially they’re only...

You know what you've got to do. But other than that, :thumb: !

Although if I may say somethin' real fast, the main dude, Mr. Zephyr sounds like he's been brainwashed at first while he's describing his contentness with castle life, then energized after he's done and before the book-getting event. (Or maybe I'm wrong?)

Also, I almost figured he'd have a sort of grudge, but I don't recall seeing that as what he thought. But again, good job.

 

[Vaughands]

Yeah, as for contentedness, he was only young and didn't fully understand what happened. He was brought up by the kingdom and really didn't know much of else. They've made his life.. simplistic.

 

[Rey_JJJ]

Ooh, I see. So he was brainwashed. And to catch him when revenge can't be on the mind... evil. A grand plot is boiling up from here! (I'm so excited. I cannot wait. Yeah, um, yeah.)

How'd Adam come to be?

 

[Vaughands]

Well, you'll figure that out later. However, I can tell you Adam is aged seventeen, although it doesn't say. It's listed in my character design. Adam was already there when Adrian arrived. As far as Adrian is concerned, this is normal.

 

[DaithioDell]

I'm sorry, man, but this needs a lot of work. Repetition, inconsistent verb tenses, missed punctuation. For example...' ... my room in the castle quickly. I quickly...' get a thesaurus. Using the same word twice in a span of three? Using the same word twice in the same paragraph is frowned upon. You've established that he's moving quickly, no reason to do so again.

There's a lot more than that. Do yourself a favour, read through the entire thing, carefully and with as objective an eye as you can; look for phrases that don't flow, statements that are already made, places where you could benefit from punctuation, spelling mistakes...

One last hint: never use 'did I mention' if not in dialogue. It's amatuerish and completely unecessary in narration. You're the author, you 'mention' everything.

 

[Vaughands]

Yeah, I know it does need a lot of work. This is a first attempt. I didn't expect anything mind blowing, thanks for the advice. I'll go through it once more and check for these things. I did proof-read it a few times, but one eye just never seems to catch it all.

 

[Surmuck]

Well I guess I came back to edit this.

Story

The name is Adrian Zephyr. I’m nothing but an imperial servant here at Zeui, that’s how I was raised here.

Unless you have some sort of prologue you failed to mention, this is a poor beginning sentence.

I remember how I got here at first, it really was gruesome…

Random transition.

I still remember those horrifying events.

'Horrifying events' makes it sound like you were trying to follow the simple direction of giving lots of detail, but at the same time slips into a very different writing style you've been using before. Write on the same level, and on a level you have a mastery over.

Although most parts a blur, I can make out how most of it went.

Sort of a weird thing to have said, using most twice in the sentence confuses me as to whether through the blurr he still understands the events; or whether some events aren't a blurr and thus he has a time-line to work off of. Don't explain this to me in a post, but clarify it in your writing. Clarification is everything.

Flames beckoning death, I see them everywhere. I was only a few years old. The imperial army of Zeui had invaded my home and stolen me away.

Cliche. Cliche. Cliche.

There was a quick siege on my house, and my house alone. They told my parents if I didn’t cooperate that they’d be killed.

If your only a few years old, how much control do they really have over your cooperation or not?

Most parents wouldn’t just give up their child, especially they’re only. So naturally, my parents tried to fight the Zeui… at first you’d think they’d stand a chance against the two soldiers, but all I remember was one the soldiers screeching some weird words and a blinding light coming from under the oak door to my room.

Inappropriate language to suit the context of your story. 'Weird' draws into preteen-fiction-esque and doesn't belong. Immediately identified. Also, you wouldn't have much.

 

One of them charged into my room and took me away; I was probably about seven years of age at the time, I really don’t know. You see I’m already age fifteen now so it’s difficult to remember such a long time ago. I’ve been living in Castle Zeui for a long time; I can’t even remember what my home looked like.

Yet you remember you were behind an oak door, there were two soldiers, and exactly what they said. Memories are difficult things to work with when writing stories; but do try to describe them in a way it fits with what your actually saying. Also, your slowly getting more an more repetitive.

They’ve raised me up here with no intent to hurt me it seems, but I really don’t know why they do this and why me of all people?

Your writing a diary, not in first person.

As a servant here, you really can’t do much. You attend to the work they give you and don’t complain. They’re not horribly cruel to you, but maybe that’s just me. I’m given a few assignments a day to complete by a certain time, it’s not so bad. I really don’t know life outside the castle so I can’t complain. Sometimes I wish I could escape and just leave… just see the outside world. Life outside the castle, you know?

That's an interesting concept, as it seems you've just done your fair share of complaining. Also, I remind you that this isn't set in the write time for him to be sounding so much like an adolescent. Just doesn't fit the context of your story; although it could if you felt that was a major concept to your plot. That's a long thing to explain in a comment though. So I won't.

On my free time I watch the soldiers swing their blades around, they swing them so quick and skillfully.

Attempt at good description gone awry. Ruined.

I’ve got a friend down there anyway, Adam. Adam just loves to swing his sword about as they teach him.

Slowly slipping down the age range, aren't we? That last sentence sounded like I was reading a childrens' book. Pick a style, any style...and stick with it.

He likes to be brute and offensive and often gets in trouble with his instructor for disobeying rules.

I repeat the above.

He dislikes being taught how to fight, and feels he should be allowed to develop his own technique.

A second ago he loved to swing his sword as they taught him? Really, know your own story.
Sometimes he’ll take an extra sword from the racks after his classes and we’ll spar. Adam always wins of course since he hates to lose, but I still learn a lot from him.
 

Did I mention there are always strange people running in and out of the castle?

Why...does this need to be written the way it is? This IS a diary in it's current form, esentially he's summarizing his life. Your thread it titled Story Critique! C'mon!

They’re dressed in funny black robes all ruffled up.

Funny.

They usually carry these little books with them that have a gold seal on the cover. I always wanted to know what they contained but it looked like they’d kill anyone who dared get in their way.

Poor.

They never seemed to talk, just walked from the door to the king’s chamber.

Getting your tenses mixed up.

I was finishing my rounds of things to do for the day, and one of the people in the robes was running by, it was strange they’re usually not in a rush. As he ran by he stumbled and dropped the book a few feet away from me.

Well then apparently the books aren't so important? And really, don't you have work to do that involves...not watching people stumble?

I rushed over to the book before anyone could see me and picked it up and rushed to my room in the castle quickly.

We're just rushing rushing...and bustling bustling, all 'round the town.

I quickly threw it in my dresser, finished my duties and returned promptly.

Well hunh, thank's for the itinerary for the day. Wonder where the story is.

The book was secure, but I dare not to open it. Who know what it could do?

Who instantly assumes everything is magic? It's a book.

I rushed down to Adams room quickly to tell him the news. Right before I knocked on the door, I hesitated. Adam can be such a show off sometimes, what if he goes and tells the entire castle?

GASP! EVERYONE, LOOK! I FOUND A BOOK.

I could be in some grave trouble then.

Then why did we pick it up? Oh wait, we had nothing else to do T_T

Suddenly, as if someone was reading my mind the door opened. Adam was walking out of his room.

Adam had asked me if I had something I had to tell him, and I said not quite.

Thanks for tossing away the potential for dialogue.

I decided somehow in my mind to show him the book.

Most decisions are made within the mind.

As I led him to my room I had to be very careful nobody had overheard us or was following us.

It's all about us.

When we finally got to my room I had rushed right over to my drawer and tore the book out of the drawer.

Tore it? Did you now?

We promised to analyze it together tomorrow, and Adam told me I couldn’t open it without him.

We came all this way just to decide we'd look at it TOMORROW? Jeeze, let down.

I didn’t bother getting changed and just darted to bed.

D-don't you have w-work or something?

I couldn’t wait… I just couldn’t.

Jenny could call me at any minute!
More adolescent writing.

Did you really expect me to wait after so long, I’m not one to prolong. I’m writing this all down in my journal before I do anything, if anything does happen to me it’ll all be here. So here I go…

Well hunh, so it was a journal? Jeeze I missed the point. The fact he had to firstly begin a journal, which is clarified when he introduces himself; and secondly that I hadn't quite gathered that it MUST be a journal (although the writing style was totally in it; I guess I missed the memo with this being titled Story Critique.
Either way, this is poorly written - whether I missed it having been a journal or not which explains many of my critiques - some of them still belong. Mostly that, if say this were the first page of a book I would be in no way interested in reading the rest. It's poorly done, simply.

Spoiler

Thanks,
-Surmuck

*Edit: Oops, sorry for the poor formatting. Must have forgotten to close something.

 

[Vaughands]

Harsh, but I see your point for everything. Thanks for the help.