I like the premise of this poem, but I really feel that JOURNEY OF CAPITALIST TREACHERY should have been really elaborated upon(this isn't a direct crit, it's more of a preference). This is simply because there is so much to say about the role of a dollar bill in our lives, and it's quite easy to personify these things.
So nice job, I also like your use of(or lack of) punctuation to obtain the effect. But I feel that it's kinda underused to the extent that it defeats the purpose for this lack. Let me elaborate:
and what thought had that dollar been given
that point
that single unit
that makes the journey to obtain someone else's future?
Here the effect trying to be created is good, but you should emphasise that it is THAT SINGLE UNIT, and using enjambment from "that point" to "that single unit" isn't really neccesary, because you have to create this paradox/irony that this dollar is a SINGLE UNIT but so important in many lives. I would suggest adding a dash after "that point" and a colon after "that single unit". Of course, this is really based on my interpretation of this poem(because again, I can't really give any criticisms on MISTAKES YOU'VE MADE because I pretty much see none apart from what is based on my interpretation of the poem).
Beat as an old dollar bill
passed continuously around
from each hand, a passing flirtation, a dream
spent and confined in a dark register.
I really like this stanza, I was going to say HEY YOU'VE CONTROLLED THE PACE REALLY BAD but I read it again, and I think I know what is intented. The lack of commas pretty much represents how fast money is spent, but AGAIN the irony that it is CONFINED in a cash register. I can't really say anything but good job!
Know that and you'll know what it means to be one point
a faceless point lost in the herd
meandering the treacheries blundered upon
by foolish herdsmen.
This stanza is quite weak compared to the previous two, simply because a lack of punctuation here really makes it hard to read, since the first line is too long, and repeats the word POINT in the first and second lines. I know that the repetition has a point but this is usually emphasised by a use of commas/dashes/colons.
Again, I see the point since it's trying to represent the journey of a dollar but sometimes, stop-starts are needed to emphasise on certain points(as stated).
Man, this is really a good piece of poetry. Good job dude.
