Soul of The Dragonical Beast : The Beginning

[surengin]

More information:

Spoiler

Lot's of hidden dungeons , items or Yemu (gold)
Lot's of monsters and NPC.
Non factioned (no functions like choosing good or evil , there's only good in this game)
Two party members.
First and second classes (choose to change it or not.)
Tasks added.
Innkeeper.
That's it

Please critique from what you know , I need inspiration.

Credits:

Spoiler

Everything to me , Surengin , creating alone...

Not finished the project , as soon as i will finish it , i will post download link , it's non=commertial,

If I will update the game , I will post what I've updated.

 

[006]

I'm sorry but you've embed the crap out of that text and it made it barely readable. I know your trying to go different and do it in photoshop, but can you just write plain text for those who don't want to strain their eyes. By the way, what is this?

"More information:

Lot's of hidden dungeons , items or Yemu (gold)
Lot's of monsters and NPC.
Non factioned (no functions like choosing good or evil , there's only good in this game)
Two party members.
First and second classes (choose to change it or not.)
Tasks added.
Innkeeper.
That's it"

Innkeeper? Two party members? Please tell me these aren't features.

 

[mawk]

I love your photoshop filters and green on blue is a good colour choice gj

 

[Crystalgate]

Your story is definitely lacking. What you have described is very cliché. Now, as a lot of people say, a clichéd storyline can be great if you have an interesting take on the clichés, but there's not even a hint of anything else than the bare-bone clichés. There's nothing that gives me the impression you actually have an inspiration, something that makes you go "I want to do this with my story".

You can start with being more specific with certain things. What special powers did Dex's great grandfather possess? What evil did he use it against? Also, seeing as Dex has to use his power against the darkness, I assume the darkness cannot be bested without them. Also, two generations apparently did fine without anyone being born with that power, so it seems the need for the special power came pretty much simultaneously with someone possessing them. While telling us why it's so may be a spoiler, you should however know the answer.

The characters have no personalities listed. In Rick's case however I note that not only is he at the age of 13 already experienced at thieving, he also has skills which extracts things from corpses. Most adults aren't to fond of working with corpses, which makes me wonder what kind of deranged childhood Rick had if such things comes natural to him.

 

[ellenor]

First of all redo the text so most people can read, second... 13 years seem to young for me, sure I have played Grandia 1 where the main is 14 but I am not very found of it... Add some years XD
Third the story is very cliche but if you can pull it off good then it may be fun to play anyway :lol:
And the last thing... Of what I can see of your screenshots you need to work on your maps, you can see a bunch of errors on the outdoor screenshot.

Well that's all from me
Good luck! :smile:

 

[bacon]

Story: Your story is very bland. First off, there is a typo in the description. That really turns off some people here in .org. Your story is very cliche and not very thought out. You dont give us a hint of originality. Think you story out more and flesh it out some. Also, your characters are oober bland at the moment. You just have characters. What kind of characters are they? Are they emotional, brave, funny, serious, ect. You really havent given a lot of thought in your story. You should write down ideas you have and use them to create an original adventure.

Graphics: The mapping really is bad. There is a lot of laziness in your mapping. You are not using some autotiles correctly. With the tall grass. make sure the grass has edges. So far, your mapping is "stick a few things here and there and add a path". Also, add more scenery as the map is quite dull. Your interiors are over-sized. Shrink them down a bit. Aso, they are bare as well. Add some things to spuce your house up a bit. Overall, there is no heart or soul into your mapping.

Other: That picture you have where you have the story and characters, it is really hard to read the text. You are better off not using a picture, and instead typing everything out. Your feature portion isnt really a feature portion. A lot of those things you listed are required in an RPG game. As already said, I find it odd that Rick is only 15. If he is 15, dont use that sprite as that sprite doesnt match with the age. Also, I suggest crediting Enterbrain, as that is Enterbrain's RTP. :3

 

[Frodo]

I only read the plug about "Rick" and the grammar was atrocious.

 

[surengin]

Your story is definitely lacking. What you have described is very cliché. Now, as a lot of people say, a clichéd storyline can be great if you have an interesting take on the clichés, but there's not even a hint of anything else than the bare-bone clichés. There's nothing that gives me the impression you actually have an inspiration, something that makes you go "I want to do this with my story".

You can start with being more specific with certain things. What special powers did Dex's great grandfather possess? What evil did he use it against? Also, seeing as Dex has to use his power against the darkness, I assume the darkness cannot be bested without them. Also, two generations apparently did fine without anyone being born with that power, so it seems the need for the special power came pretty much simultaneously with someone possessing them. While telling us why it's so may be a spoiler, you should however know the answer.

The characters have no personalities listed. In Rick's case however I note that not only is he at the age of 13 already experienced at thieving, he also has skills which extracts things from corpses. Most adults aren't to fond of working with corpses, which makes me wonder what kind of deranged childhood Rick had if such things comes natural to him.

You teached me a lesson , thanks.

First of all redo the text so most people can read, second... 13 years seem to young for me, sure I have played Grandia 1 where the main is 14 but I am not very found of it... Add some years XD
Third the story is very cliche but if you can pull it off good then it may be fun to play anyway :lol:
And the last thing... Of what I can see of your screenshots you need to work on your maps, you can see a bunch of errors on the outdoor screenshot.

Well that's all from me
Good luck! :smile:

You too.

Story: Your story is very bland. First off, there is a typo in the description. That really turns off some people here in .org. Your story is very cliche and not very thought out. You dont give us a hint of originality. Think you story out more and flesh it out some. Also, your characters are oober bland at the moment. You just have characters. What kind of characters are they? Are they emotional, brave, funny, serious, ect. You really havent given a lot of thought in your story. You should write down ideas you have and use them to create an original adventure.

Graphics: The mapping really is bad. There is a lot of laziness in your mapping. You are not using some autotiles correctly. With the tall grass. make sure the grass has edges. So far, your mapping is "stick a few things here and there and add a path". Also, add more scenery as the map is quite dull. Your interiors are over-sized. Shrink them down a bit. Aso, they are bare as well. Add some things to spuce your house up a bit. Overall, there is no heart or soul into your mapping.

Other: That picture you have where you have the story and characters, it is really hard to read the text. You are better off not using a picture, and instead typing everything out. Your feature portion isnt really a feature portion. A lot of those things you listed are required in an RPG game. As already said, I find it odd that Rick is only 15. If he is 15, dont use that sprite as that sprite doesnt match with the age. Also, I suggest crediting Enterbrain, as that is Enterbrain's RTP. :3

you as well

And thanx mawk

 

[surengin]

NEWS : Sorry for this , but i decided to make game in RMVX , name is the same , I will put information later.

 

[death by moogles]

You've got enough comments on the story and graphical representation in your thread, so I'll move onto something else that bugs me.

The suffix -ic succeeding the word 'dragon' would make 'dragonic,' that being defined as 'of or pertaining to a dragon.' The suffix -ic by itself is used to turn a noun to an adjective.

The suffix -al succeeding the word 'dragonic' would make 'dragonical,' that being defined as 'of or pertaining to that which pertains to a dragon.' The suffix -al by itself is used to turn a noun into an adjective. Seeing as how 'dragonic' is already an adjective, that would be both redundant and incorrect. I understand that there are some cases where -al would in fact modify words other than nouns, but I'm not gonna get into that. It modifies MOSTLY nouns, so yeah, roll with that.

However, there is also the suffix -ical. I assume that you intend on this being the suffix that makes 'dragon' into 'dragonical.' But it looks so wrong and the redundancy is striking enough to... strike you, like physically. That would hurt.

Anyway, I would suggest changing 'Dragonical' in the title to 'Dragonic,' or, if you would prefer it to sound cooler, something like 'Draken,' which would have the exact same meaning but would use a different root and suffix.

In addition to all that jazz, a beast which is like a dragon could in fact be called a dragon itself. The term dragon is used very loosely, varying by culture and reference, so why not just title the game, "Soul of the Dragon?" Or even something like "Dragon Soul," or "Draken Soul," or, if you want to be snazzy, "Drakensoul." But whatever.

Also, 'The' doesn't need to capitalized unless it introduces a noun at the beginning of a sentence or introduces a proper noun in which 'The' would be amongst the proper noun's title, but even then not too often. What matters is that, unless there is a character or something else of the like named 'The Dragonical Beast," 'The' should not be capitalized.

P:

EDIT: "A young thirteen year old boy who has skills in thieving."

'Young' is redundant and can be taken out. Either that or take out 'thirteen year old.' The two adjective clauses have practically the same meaning and, though that's not always unacceptable, it brings down the quality of the writing.

I'm gonna stfu now

 

[surengin]

Darn , you could be english teacher :D I don't know english very well so do not be mad at me . And i'm just a kid Yet ... I will make it Draken Soul - The Beginning. Thanks very much.

 

[death by moogles]

Hahah, you're very welcome! I'm glad I could help. I wasn't getting mad at you. I'm just helping out. Hopefully you learned something from that all that banter up there.
XD