Some literary analysis please

[LaDestitute]

I wrote this plot two years ago for my first RPGM project, I like some LA please. Also, if you like, I also have several concepts in my head.

There exists a magical world know as Altaria. The people of Altaria relied on 7 Mana Spirits for most things...the mana spirits. Fire, Earth, Water, Storm, Ice, Light, and Darkness. Strange occurrences have occurred on Altaria, and the spirits have been imprisoned by strange malevolent entities. What's going on, and is this man (Edmund) linked to all of these events is he merely a puppet to these dark events?
The young boy, decides out of his own curiosity; decides to check out what's going on, not aware he gets himself thrown into a whole world-wide calamity.

 

[CrymsenTears]

I'm going to break this down and cross things out. But don't be offended by my CC.


There exists a magical world known as Altaria.

The people of Altaria relied on 7 Mana Spirits for most things...the mana spirits. Fire, Earth, Water, Storm, Ice, Light, and Darkness. something a little less cliche', like some sort of sorcerer who keeps the balance of the world, or a monster who helps sustain the mana balance of the world.

Strange occurrences have occurred on Altaria, and the spirits have been imprisoned by strange malevolent entitiesthe sorcerer has disappeared, or the monster has weakened, etc... I'm going along with my idea.

What's going on, and is this man (Edmund) <<< Who is Edmund?linked to all of these events is he merely a puppet to these dark events?

The young boy, decides out of his own curiosity; decides to check out what's going on, not aware he gets himself thrown into a whole world-wide calamity.

 

[LaDestitute]

I actually had some scrapped idea I had decided to put in, but I was too ffar along the game's development, but I might put them back in.

100s of years ago, when supposedly humans began to evolve from their primate ancestors, as a side-effect from the hunter/gatherer theory, humans began to develop the ability to control the elements and nature slowly. When humans became aware of this, they began to call themselves (well, the group that could use these special mutations) Defts, which is a word that means "very able" or "skill". Eventually, this extradnary skill began to branch out into more specific forms: the ability to convert natural materials into spheres full of the elements, which the Defts dubbed Augury Spheres (I originally picked Mana Spheres, but it seems too cliche) and these spheres where used to utilize teir natural abilities with ease without any cost except for the Augury Spheres themselves, and they also found a way to fuse them with weapons and armor, giving them strange properties.

It's difficult to think of a different concept, but perhaps a monster might work. Edmund is the main villain of the game.

 

[CrymsenTears]

100s of years ago, when supposedly humans began to evolve from their primate ancestors, as a side-effect from the hunter/gatherer theory, humans began to develop the ability to control the elements and nature slowly. << Why does this happen? Explain the side effect in detail. How did it happen and why? And how exactly can they control it? Hopefully not in a similar way to Avatar. What would intrigue my interest here is if the power was maybe sudden and unexpected and unable to be controlled or mastered.


When humans became aware of this, they began to call themselves (well, the group that could use these special mutations) Defts, which is a word that means "very able" or "skill". << Okay I see where you're going with this, and I can see some possible elitism/racism going on against maybe groups of people who are not "Defts". Something like this adds more realism to your game world.


Eventually, this extradnary skill began to branch out into more specific forms: the ability to convert natural materials into spheres full <<How full? Imbued? Naturally seeping with mana? of the elements, which the Defts dubbed Augury Spheres (I originally picked Mana Spheres, but it seems too cliche) << Good choice on changing the name

and these spheres where used to utilize teir natural abilities << Which are what? with ease without any cost except for the Augury Spheres themselves, and they also found a way to fuse them with weapons and armor,what is this called? How does it work? Can everyone do it, or does it require training?

giving them strange << Strange how? properties.

I am taking apart your story to help you out, and if you elaborate on what I commented on I would be glad to continue helping you write.

 

[LaDestitute]

Since I believe in evolution, I believe this ability would be a extremely rare mutation in a person's genetic makeup. One of the side-effects was a eye-color and slight skin color change; often in relation to the person's element, for example a person with brown eyes and tanned skin may be akin to the earth element. At first, this very ability is difficult to control, but with more use, it becomes more tame, and eventually they can use the ability at will. The whole elitism is a very good idea, though I intended to make it where the defts died out, but it then resurfaced in the game's time, actually in the very main characters themselves. These Augury Sphere simply are imbued (to the point that they represent them) with magic and elements, for example a water based one is called Blue Augury; and to note; this very abilities seen are actually the basis for the game's concept of magic. The abilities include using elemental and curative spells, so every magic spell in the game, weather a simple fire spell or summoning one of the Gaggalors (the summons in the game) require the cost of Auguries, for example to summon Carbuncle (I'm choosing summons based off of mythology, but I might go into FF's realm, as their not really original at all...merely based off of folklore and mythology), the following Auguries would be needed: Two auguries each of the classical elements, and two white auguries, which are light based. I don't have a name currently for the fusing with armor and weapons, but I got the idea from Dark Cloud's weapon customization system. A augury sphere becomes imbued to a weapon/armor/accessory (they all slots to put one in), and after a short while (usually a few hours, more depending on the strength of the result) the weapon gains new stats, a new name, and often a elemental affinity. Most defts can do this, but beginners tend to mess up more often than experienced ones; and these are the following things that can happen if they fail: The resulting item becomes a dud, where it remains the same with very little power or none at all, or the item becomes destroyed. Strange as in to their ancestors how the weapons and armors from this process had obtained elemental affinities.

 

[CrymsenTears]

Much much much better. Do you feel as if you've accomplished something? It sounds much better than what you started with.

If you want me to continue to help with writing your game I can, you would just need to credit me as a co-writer. And I'll even proofread the text in game to get rid of grammar errors. Your call though. Not Mine.

 

[LaDestitute]

Yeah I do and sure I would like your help, and I'll give you credit as a co-writer.
To further explain the Gaggalors, they are considered celestial entities from a different plane of existence called the Etheral Plane (semiliar to the Farplane from FFX), and so specific humans possess the power to communicate with them and even rarer, summon them. Specifically, the defts are the ones who can. Even then, the Gaggalors commonly influence the flow and events of Altaria.

 

[CrymsenTears]

Okay I get it. Sounds good. So if you want me to help you out with that writing and such, type up an idea and PM it to me. I'll edit it and send it back.