Reviving old shit for a new poem...

[Glitchfinder]

Scroll down to find the new poem!

I suddenly had an urge to write some poetry, for the firs time in years. I'm not sure I like the result, but I wanted to see what you guys thought of it.

Spoiler: Ignore me!

Around and around we spin
in this mad tale we weave.
But where did it all begin?
What should be believe?

The world goes on as we ponder
The reasons for our existence.
The world expects us to wander
and give none its assistance.

What lies behind, we have lost
through twists of perception.
The past lies deep in the frost
of humanity and its deception.

What lies here, in the now?
It marches on, waiting for none.
We only see what we allow,
and thus, our past is undone.

What lies ahead, we do not know.
Be it war, peace, or myriad fates.
We can only accept the flow
As it leads on through the gates.

We live in the present time.
But are defined by the past.
And can only hope we climb
To points never surpassed.

We hope to better understand
the world we spin upon.
But we find it difficult to expand
upon the past, and move on.

The world moves around us
as we weave this tale.
And it never stops to discuss
Whether we will prevail.

 

[mawk]

trite and not particularly evocative. seems to be more concerned with rhyming than actually saying anything.

 

[Glitchfinder]

trite and not particularly evocative. seems to be more concerned with rhyming than actually saying anything.

Good point. It's been ages since I really wrote anything, and I was working more on rhyme than I should have.

 

[Venetia]

as mawk said it seems to me like you spent a good lot of time choosing words to end your lines--more time than what was poured into the actual meaning behind the lines themselves. you spend 8 stanzas saying a lot of nothing, other than just expressing an incredibly abstract element of the human condition.

i'm no whiz at writing poetry. i always overthink it, too, to the point of murdering it. but from what i see in GOOD poems, you have to KNOW what you're trying to say and have a basic idea of how you're going to present it and wrap it up, and then let it flow. sloppy rhymes are sometimes better than tight ones.

more important than rhyme scheme is meter though. it's gotta flow. you spent a long time ensuring everything'd fit together well like a jigsaw puzzle, but then there's no meter.

like for example ...

The world goes on as we ponder
The reasons for our existence.
The world expects us to wander
and give none its assistance.

What lies behind, we have lost
through twists of perception.
The past lies deep in the frost
of humanity and its deception.

that goes (in syllables; i hope i counted it right, i'm in kind of a hurry):
8
8
8
7

7
6
7
10

where's the flow?

lastly you try to get creative with your imagery, but then it falls short of expressing a simile or metaphor as abstract as your subject. remember that, in poetry, a teakettle is sometimes like a chandelier, if you put it in the right context. you get what i mean?

these are all things to consider for the next one you write

 

[Glitchfinder]

You brought up a lot of good points, Ven. I'm going to have to archive that post. On a related note, this is something I did years ago for an English class.
I'm not sure whether or not it should be called poetry, but it seems to have flow, at least. (And if you wonder why its on a deviantart account, that would be because I have a deviantart account. Haven't touched it in ages, though.)

Spoiler: Ignore me!

As I gaze into the orange of the warm, miniature internal features of this shell
It becomes the cavernous maw of an ancient whale, with a gigantic barnacle to the side
Next it is some diabolical torture device, maybe used to suck jelly from the eyes
After that it is a twisted, towering castle spire ready to fall from its support
It then becomes an ancient, menacing drill used on the tool of days long past
The outside transforms into the deepest layers of the Earth's crust
Calling out to me, saying there is more than you could imagine down here!
I planned ways to get down there, finally settling on one

I built a machine that took me down there, so I could see the wonders within
And I have found ancient cities of some alien race, long in its own demise
Their machines could do anything imaginable, from digging to going to other stars
All they needed was a bit of sunlight and they would whir into life
And I would be able to go into the past, the stars, and other universes
Alas, I don’t have a bit of sunlight, and there isn't a way to get it down here
Without using one of their machines to drill and widen till the sunlight could reach them
So I was at a loss, and went back to the surface, only to find lamps that could produce sunlight!

Oh, and here's a poem I did around the same time, when I was feeling similar to I am now:

Spoiler: Ignore me!

The match is tossed
The culprit is lost
The grass is burning
The land is churning
The firemen are toiling
The water is boiling
The heat is searing
The people are hearing
The water is flying
The heat is dying
The cinders are cooling
The water is pooling
The fuel was fed
The fire is dead

 

[Stardust]

What should be believe?

*What should we believe?*

Overall, I agree with mawk on the first poem you posted. It didn't really have a goal and it just kinda wandered around so it could fit the rhyme. Tbh, I do that quite a bit when I'm trying to write something I'm not in the mood to write or when I spend too much time worrying about how it looks. Poetry is about expression and I really didn't feel that. :\

The second one is... thoughts? I'm not really sure if it can be considered poetry in that form. You could probably refine it into a decent poem, but at the moment it doesn't really fit the definition of "poetry" for me.

Loved the third one's general scheme/flow, but it doesn't really seem to be expressing anything. It's just a series of events, not really expression of any concept, feeling, or emotion.


Basically, I just think you aren't using poetry for what it's supposed to be used for. Poetry is meant to be a form of expression, but you seem to be using it as a way to test how well you can rhyme. It shouldn't be about the right words, but the right feeling. If you want to get better at poetry, just write whatever you're feeling at the moment without worrying about rhyming. It's fine to search for good words to express what you're trying to say, but you're focusing on the words over the actual meaning of the poem at the moment.

 

[Glitchfinder]

Basically, I just think you aren't using poetry for what it's supposed to be used for. Poetry is meant to be a form of expression, but you seem to be using it as a way to test how well you can rhyme. It shouldn't be about the right words, but the right feeling. If you want to get better at poetry, just write whatever you're feeling at the moment without worrying about rhyming. It's fine to search for good words to express what you're trying to say, but you're focusing on the words over the actual meaning of the poem at the moment.

Good advice all around. On the subject of actually expressing emotion, here are two poems I was required to write for English class in my senior year of high school. They were supposed to be based on a famous pair of poems, one that was a response to another, and both were by different authors.

Spoiler: Ignore me!

Will you come and marry me,
So that forever I may carry thee
Up the valleys, hills, and mountains
Through the woods past springs like fountains.

We will climb the vales
Following hidden trails;
Seen by none but the deer;
Where hidden wonders appear.

We will frolic across
Meadows of fragrant moss,
Where none but the content
Have ever been present.

The hills will ring,
Whilst we sing
Under a cherry tree
If you come to marry me.

Spoiler: Ignore me!

I would but love to try
If youth and beauty wouldn’t die.
The beauty of hills and vales,
In winter’s grip always fails.

Hidden trails may be pleasurable,
But the work to get there isn’t measurable.
The deer may see us, and we them,
But to eat them would of treason condemn.

Frolicking will be fun and games,
Until we feel hunger’s flames.
We will not be long content,
When we feel work’s torment.

The hills will never ring,
When age’s grip does Time bring.
The cherry tree will wither and die,
And marriage to thee I do deny.

Re-reading them, I noticed that they break a lot of Ven's rules, but they're certainly better than the first one I posted. I think the second one is actually salvageable, too.

 

[Stardust]

The two poems you based these on were, I'm assuming, The Passionate Shepherd to His Love by Christopher Marlowe and The Nymph's Reply to the Shepherd by Sir Walter Raleigh?

On the subject of actually expressing emotion, here are two poems I was required to write for English class in my senior year of high school.

"Required to write" usually doesn't mean emotion is being expressed as well as it could. I actually like these poems, but you usually don't make your best stuff from assignments. :P You'll occasionally get motivation, but when you say "required to" I don't get that you actually wanted to write these. It just feels like you're missing what I'm saying a little.


Like I said earlier, these were pretty good. The second was probably better, but both veered off their original meaning to rhyme in places. Here in particular:

Up the valleys, hills, and mountains
Through the woods past springs like fountains.

That last line is just... not good. It's like a run-on sentence and ruins the flow completely. Make it something like "Through the woods beyond the fountains." to get the syllables you want without over-extending it.

The rest was pretty good and there wasn't anything in particular that jumped out as needing to be fixed. I particularly liked this part:

Hidden trails may be pleasurable,
But the work to get there isn’t measurable.

You have a lot of potential with poetry, but you just need to find the right way to express yourself with it. Don't be afraid to experiment and break away from your usual rhyme scheme. :3

 

[Glitchfinder]

All right. Thanks for the great commentary. I'll probably do something writing related sometime in the near future, but, for the most part, this was just to dredge out my old work to learn from mistakes. I'd still appreciate commentary from other membvers, though.

Oh, and you're right, those were the two poems that they were based on.

 

[Glitchfinder]

Well, for some reason I suddenly had the urge to write another poem. I ended up with this, though I'm unsure of the actual quality of the work. I wrote it about a week ago, so comments and critique definitely still apply. One thing to note about it is that I wasn't going for any particular formatting in this, and ended up with the most rigid format I can ever remember using. Anyway, on to the poem, I guess.

The darkness swirls.
The shadows flow.
The mind whirls
as it slows.

The light fades.
The eyes dim.
The judgment made
on a whim.

The fires burn.
The people yell.
The pleas spurned
while in Hell.

 

[Venetia]

well

content--
it is dark/brooding. though not necessarily poignant in any particular direction. it kind of sounds like a warning but is not hugely ominous.
it follows the short timeline of a death and then "reawakening" in hell, and that is literally apparent because you are literally describing it. there are no allusions or metaphors or deconstructive/constructive thoughts needed. this is not necessarily a bad thing, but poems kind of exist to make a reader think or consider or question or feel--otherwise it's just adjectives-in-formatting. speaking of ...

formatting--
it follows a loose ABAB rhyme scheme and conveys that effectively without trying to grasp for rhymes.
unless you try to get all artsy with being "different" (usu. demonstrating far more abstract imagery), following a meter is never a bad thing.

here, i am bolding the strong syllables. imagine the weak syllables as saying "da" and the strong ones as saying "DUM".

The darkness swirls.
The shadows flow.
The mind whirls
as it slows.

The light fades.
The eyes dim.
The judgment made
on a whim.

The fires burn.
The people yell.
The pleas spurned
while in Hell.

which makes the flow sound like:

da DUMda DUM.
da DUMda DUM.
da DUM da
DUM da DUM.

da DUM da.
da DUM da.
da DUMda DUM
da DUM da.

da DUMda DUM.
da DUMda DUM.
da DUM da
DUM da DUM.

when seeing that, it should be easy to tell that the meter is somewhat off.
not really in a really large way but you are not necessarily punctuating the correct words.

in this particular type of poem you would want the power syllables to fall on power words--i.e., the most powerful nouns and/or adjectives and/or verbs.
Right now they fall on: dark swirls sha flow mind as slows light eyes dim judg made on whim fi pe yell pleas while Hell
Which are obv not all important words.
The words in the 3-syllabic lines are rather murky in strength as well, especially since they stagger the meter trying to hold the 4-syllabic lines.

in a 4-syllable line, you can complete 2 iambic feet (da DUM da DUM). But in a 3-syllable line, you are either starting with a strong syllable or a weak one and it has to be consistent.
And--two of the lines are trochees, mixed in with otherwise iambic verses.

the ABAB rhyme scheme is considered a feminine scheme. this demonstrates a lighter, softer message. this poem is trying to convey a strong message so a more masculine AABB scheme would add "oomph" to the "message" (though there is no discernable message at this point).


Imagery--
Is both strong and weak.
It is easy to visually imagine what is literally being described, but the images are not terribly strong--in fact, despite being made up of all negative imagery (i.e. fire, Hell, judgment, shadows), the delivery is so soft, it feels indirect--like, as i said before, a sort of non-ominous warning.
the illusory words indeed do not need to be terribly eloquent, but complexity and/or abstractness in thought is always important



should the meter be cleaned up, this would be a decent exposition or transition as a part of a larger poem.

i hope that didn't sound too harsh. it is really hard to lob softballs when talking about meter and stuff like that ;x

just make sure that your writing is reflecting a message or emotion you want to convey, and not just some petty imagery that you think might be kind of cool at the time (not saying you were not actually trying to convey emotion--just saying what it seems like, based on other poetry I've seen).

 

[Glitchfinder]

Wow, thanks for that. I didn't really think about much of anything while I made this, so I was actually surprised it had any kind of structure at all. Anyway, I'll have to save this post somewhere, in case I ever decide to actually do much in poetry when it isn't just on a whim.