Red to Black (my first short story)

[LaDestitute]

(Note, this is a fictional story and therefore none of this is real and any relations to locations, names, and events are a coincidence. This short story is inspired by the song Red to Black by Fort Minor)
I remember it all now...it was a few years ago before I moved and I was good friends with a next door neighbor my age named Victor. We where good friends...we play together, talk to each other, and spend time together on fishing trips with his uncle on the weekends and summer.
Then, a year before I moved...things got hard for my friend Victor's family. His parents got divorced over arguments and fights, and I knew his dad was a drunk. A week after the divorce, Victor's father gambled away the rent in a poker match at a casino. The rent was late and Victor got kicked out...he came over to live with my family for a bit until things cooled down. A while after Victor turned 21 and got his own apartment (I was at his party the night he turned 21), my friend Victor turned to alcohol and became an alcoholic. Things started spiraling down for Victor. I saw him less, we started arguing, and he stopped returning my calls...I was getting worried.

Then one day, when I came to visit Victor's apartment; and knocked on the door. I waited a few minutes and realized quickly I wasn't answered. I got worried and opened the door, entering Victor's apartment. The place looked disgusting...it hadn't been cleaned in a week, there where papers, garbage, and empty bottles of alcohol every where in his apartment. The place smelled as if the owner had neglected cleaning duties such as vacuuming. On entering Victor's room, I found him dead on his bed, he had died from...alcohol poisoning. Damn it...Victor was the only friend I had ever had and I felt myself quickly boil with anger; knowing who was responsible for this; Victor's dad, that lazy son of a bitch! I quickly left Victor's apartment, getting into my car; furious as ever. I took the small phone book and looked up Victor's father Guillermo in the phone book; then I wrote down the address and drove off.

I drove across town to reach Guillermo's house, and when I reached it; I looked at it with disgust. The house was an old shack, dilapidated and not very well taken care of and in the middle of an empty dusty plane. The house was made out of old wood, some of it was creaking and breaking off. I got out of the car, locking the door as I stepped towards the disgusting settlement. I stepped across the empty plane, walking towards the shack and approached the door. I opened the creaky old door and entered the old shack, intent on finding the scumbag that was Victor's father. I found him on an old recliner, watching a crappy old TV and a drinking a beer. He had a beer belly, and he was a slob; dirty and unkempt. I quickly ran up to him, and he shouted "Who are you? What are you doing on my property? Don't make me get out my shotgun!", and I responded "This is for your son, you dirty slob. You never cared! Your not a man! Your a coward.", and he responded "Victor? My son?". I said back to him "Victor is dead because of you...he died from alcohol poisoning!", and I quickly stepped forward and slugged Guillermo harshly in the face, giving him a bloody nose and black eye' my fist slamming forward; the bloodlust fueling my revenge. I then took his beer bottle, smashing it on the ground and striking him with it, before punching him again one last time, breaking his jaw badly as my fist slammed into his cheeks with brute force. "Don't' you forgot this! Victor was your son! You where his father! Your a fucking coward!" and I stormed off; not caring if I was going to have charges pressed against me or get arrested, Victor's cowardly slob of a father deserved it.

 

[luv_kitty12]

I'll keep in mind that this is your first short story as I comment on this.

First of all, the format, spelling and grammar of the story has its wrongs. I know this probably doesn't matter to some writers, but these elements have really great effect on the story and the reader. For example, 'where' should be 'were', 'your' should be 'you're', etc. These are common mistakes but we should fix them at some point.

You should also separate your words into smaller paragraphs. I am aware that you already did, but three big paragraphs doesn't help much. Chunk them up a little. Also, your punctuation should be a little better than that.

Now, to the story itself. To be honest with you, it was a little rushed, and I could get out no meaning in the end. It was just a story for the sake of getting out some feelings or writing a fighting scene or something, that what I understood in the end. There was no special meaning in the end, no feelings, and if there were meant to be, I couldn't get it out and that's not exactly a good thing.

For the first paragraph, you don't really explain why Victor becomes so alcoholic that he dies out of alcoholic poisoning. Sure, his parents got divorced but that's not really enough except if he was really THAT sensitive or had some kind of disorder, or was really depressed or something. You don't really explain your characters' personalities and in a story, the reader must know the characters' personalities and how they have developed them in order to understand them and feel for them. If you say 'things started spiraling down' then you should explain how.

On the second paragraph, I didn't really feel that the main character actually felt any sorry for his friend that he decided to take revenge for him. For someone to have lost a friend who was his only for so long, must be so hard that it just can't be passed on a few words. There should be more feeling in the words.

But for a start, you are not bad. You just need some improvement. Good luck!