Prudes ...

[Venetia]

Since there was the riveting topic of "Whores ...", I have made the antithesis of that!

Why? I hate prudes!

I'm not talking about being celibate, that's your perogative. I'm talking about being all introverted and timid when it comes to romance and your demeanor you reflect toward others.

It's cool if teens are prudish, because they really shouldn't be putting themselves on the market anyway (although I'm sure most teens here will disagree but the second you or a friend pops out that baby at 16 you'll rethink that), but what really bothers me are overly hard-to-get adults.

Yes, yes, I'm married, blah, blah. But I had a life before marriage, you know. Also I have single friends who complain about the same stuff.

I guess you could say I'm a little of an aggressive flirt. I know what I want and I don't really care to dance around it. If there's a real spark and you're feeling some real sexual tension, don't hold back! There's nothing worse than waiting for the first move. Once it's been made, it's all easy from there!

Let me give you an example. Friend of mine is chatting online with a guy for a long time, and they meet up. She says she's totally into him, but he seems distant and shy. They go out to dinner, and she's not throwing herself all over him but she's making subtle attempts at flirts, and is rejected. At the end of the night he says he had a great time, holds her hand, and drives off. She's feeling frustrated and assumes he wasn't into her. Next day she gets an email from the guy saying how much fun he had and how he can't wait to do it again. So she just assumes he's shy and they go out again. This time they go to a really romantic place at the park. She's flirting, really putting herself out there because she really likes him, and he seems as nervous as a 3 year old on stage in front of a huge audience. Again, the night ends with nothing and again he wants to see her. SO she asks, "why so distant? If you're into me, then don't force me to make all the moves!" and he replies, "I don't know ... A good time never came up". So she was done with him. She said the waiting was too much torture.

I had a similar experience a while back, and the dude waited so long to make a move that I did, and the result was awkward and terrible because it had built up so long and he was so nervous.

I have a couple guy friends who have ranted about chicks doing the same.

What is with this trend of introverts? I was instantly into my hubby because he went for it at the right time, didn't hesitate or get scared. That's the real key.

Adult prudes piss me off. 9 times out of 10 they've got no real psychological problem stemming from home or anything, so what do you think it is? Is it the digital age? Are we so hermit-ized in front of our monitors that we've lost the art of communication?

Also, what's with these people who don't like seeing T&A? Do naughty parts embarrass these people that much??

I noticed, when I was a receptionist, that people didn't know how to talk on the phone. They'd stutter, make absurd requests, speak too loudly/softly, and generally sound insecure. My mother said she didn't remember folks like that in her day.

Your thoughts?

And if you yourself are a "prude", why is that? Remember, not necessarily sexually. I'm talking about being prudish in your demeanor, your outwardness, romantically, etc.

I myself am a little shy but when I need to speak I will and when I want something I'll get it!

 

[FzGhouL]

Venetia: F'ing awesome rant.

I'm going to agree whole heartedly. You have a different perspective than me, myself being a male and you being a female. It seems like people having a hard time finding the ones suitable to their needs.

I am not particularly needing of loud or extroversion, but I think a degree of adventurousness is really helpful. It shows they are healthy and have explored, so you won't have to worry about them flipping out later on.

My personal quandary is I've been chasing the same extremely shy girl for 18 months. Yes, a year and a half. I'm very, very patient. In fact, so patient that my more experienced / older friends have told me to drop her. But she gives that INFINITESIMAL amount of reciprocation and she's so damn gorgeous, ambitious, and blah blah whatever else makes her so good. It is particularly annoying, because quite frankly in the most vulgar way I can express, I really want to F*ck.

I don't know why people end up prude. Maybe they are brought up to be ashamed of their bodies, which is totally ridiculous because I was brought up that way and I am no extreme nudist, but seriously. Sex, who gives a sh*t? It's intimate and enjoyable, you don't need to flaunt it, but that doesn't mean you should be cloistered like a monk.

Agreed on your rant. The "Whores" rant had some merit to it, but you know what? A decent person has a mix of both the wild "slut" and the responsible person.
Just be professional.

 

[arcthemonkey]

It's appropriate to dump someone who could otherwise be the best thing that ever happened to you because they won't jump you on the first or second date?

Maybe some people value other things higher. Being physically intimate (kissing, heavy petting, etc - not necessarily sex) changes things, often for the worst.

If just being together without "moves" being made isn't enough, the relationship is garbage anyway.

So yeah, I'm a prude. I don't kiss people I barely know. I don't like to bump and grind people who are pretty much strangers.

Some people are shy because they are inexperianced, and some people are reserved because relationships shouldn't be superficial games.

If a girl was being really aggressive with me on the second date, I'd be wondering, "What the hell is the rush? Are you dying? Is Jesus coming? WHAT?!"

 

[FzGhouL]

Arc, I'm sure theres nothing wrong with that... As long that is stated up front.

You don't need to jump on someone's pants to flirt. Maybe comment on their haircut, or whatever.

At least drop some hints! Hitting on a stone wall that claims to like you is a bit tiresome.

 

[Ratty524]

I swear... You are the only person who I would actually LISTEN on this forum.

Well... Coming from a younger perspective, I do consider myself "prude". For the most part I've had a bad social experience throughout my entire life, such that I became very withdrawn. I'm trying to break out of my shell a little bit, though.

Aside from that, I definitely agree with you on what you say. Compare it to like procrastinating on some long-term high school assignment, if you are THAT shy as to never really do anything about a relationship and continue to wait for your "right time", it all pretty much ends up in failure. Great of you to mention this, I think it may make some shyer people think a little bit.

 

[Grandor]

I swear... You are the only person who I would actually LISTEN on this forum.

Well... Coming from a younger perspective, I do consider myself "prude". For the most part I've had a bad social experience throughout my entire life, such that I became very withdrawn. I'm trying to break out of my shell a little bit, though.

I'm like that too. I'm shy as hell. I used to like (and still do) this girl for a long ass time. But I could never mount up enough courage to ask her out. I'm her friend but I would like to be more then that. My own shyness when it comes to this type of situation prevents me from taking things further. I guess it's just the way I think of what she would think. I think that applies that same way to people who are prude. They're to modest or shy of what the other person might think if they put themselves out there and make the moves. It's a balance really. You really shouldn't put yourself down or be scared to make the move, but you shouldn't be insensitive to the fact that if you're putting moves on the person you like, they may not like that, especially if they don't like you back.

I don't know it's a tough business. We're shy and we're scared to talk to new people we've never met because we're scared that we might say something stupid or do something wrong that will ruin the whole thing and that the reaction of the people or person might not be favorable.

 

[holloway]

Yeah, but you two are about, what, 14? "Relationships" (if they can be called that) are hardly anything like this at that age.

 

[The Cry of Fallen Angels]

Awesome. Topic.

Thank you, for gifting us with the much-needed common sense. And also thank you nano/myo/alarm, for more.

Considering the questions; The interwebz is the practically the only place where I hold myself back due the use of the backspace button. I'm the kind of person that thinks something and says it the next second, has long conversations with people I don't know that run into me, yell people's names enthousatically across streets even if I met them the day before, and used to greet half the world with a hug.

Yet, it seems to be pretty popular these days, to be "hard-to-get" and distant. It's good you don't throw yourself at every person of your prefered genre the second they walk in in, but bein' a wall flower doesn't help you much either. The best way to learn is experience, "fear" and "nervousness" are parts of that, like standing in the waiting line for a rollercoaster, when you look up it's so big and scary, then you get to sit in the thing, it's slowly going up building up tension, and when you crash down, you're not scared at all but consider it awesome.

A commonly used example, yet a rather good one in my opinion, because think of it, you like someone in let's say, a bar. You're a bit nervous to talk to to him/her, when you finally decide to do so you barely get the words out of your mouth, need to repeat it because the noise is too loud, but then he/she gives a reply and the whole conversation gets easier and eventually it works out.

That's how I felt at the first time of approaching someone in such a situation at least. Though a horrid failure due the person in question being ENGAGED to give ya'll something to laugh at, experience makes things much less scary. And who knows, maybe the second time will work out better.

The "distant-ness" is usually caused by being nervous and affraid. Since that's socially accepted, less people force theirselves to dare.

 

[Ellie]

I guess the thing is, when you are friends with a girl, you don't want to harm that friendship by asking her out. She might not like you back! What if she's going out with someone else and you don't know about it? Wait, that means you don't really know her if you don't know who she is going out with... Then she definately wouldn't want to go out with you... But no, you're her friend. But if she knows you like her a lot, she might think you are weird. Maybe you are spending too much time with her? Maybe you aren't spending enough time with her? I know, I'll buy her a present. Oh God, what was I thinking! She looks so embarrassed... She definately won't want to go out with me, even if she did like me as a friend... And that fear of harming the relationship bottles up and gets bigger and bigger, until when that girl asks you out, you just blank out and don't have a clue what to do or say. That's when in teenage movies the passing out/ throwing up/ heart attack moment happens.

Edit: Yes, I guess I am a 'prude', even though I've never heard that word until today.

 

[Venetia]

I should clarify something about the story about my friend in my first post.

She had been chatting with the guy for 2 months already, and he had never expressed that he was shy. They had a lot in common and, from what he said, they both were "adventurous". And while I'm the type who doesn't really mind some first-date action, my friend is a little more reserved, and all she really wanted was to know he was into her as much as vice-versa. A peck in the park or a handhold or something was what she wanted and he was too nervous to do something wrong that he didn't realize he was ruining it by worrying so much.

I personally am put off by overly extroverted people sometimes, and if you're a stranger to me I'm quiet as a mouse. I'm never really the instigator of conversations unless it's necessary ("Hey, you dropped your wallet", "Hey! you stepped on my toe"), but only with strangers. Awkward silences on dates are only cute if it's a build-up to a kiss. Otherwise they're a big turnoff.


Have you ever said something like:
"I love action movies. How about you?"
And your date says, "Yeah."
--And that's all??


That's not good, people. If you don't communicate at the start how can you expect to keep it going?


FzGhoul, I totally understand your problem. One of my best guy friends a while back was head-over-heels for this girl. I personally didn't find her too attractive but his rose-colored glasses obviously saw a lot more in her than I did ? Anyway, for an ENTIRE YEAR he chased her. He was there for her in hard times and in good. He'd wake up an hour early everyday to drive her to work because she didn't drive. He would pack her a lunch sometimes (keep in mind they were not officially an item, nor did they even live very close to one another). He went out of his way for her constantly and I always had to listen to him complain about how, even though she knew how he felt, all she could do was try and put off a relationship. She was using him up, and it was so sad. I'm not sure if she was being introverted or if she was just being a b!tch, the point is that romance can make fools of us all.

I don't know if it's the same case in your situation, I'm just empathizing.


Back to the main bullet-point ...


Anyway, I worry that people spend so much time fretting over potential outcomes that they never do anything. Sometimes I wonder if all the never-married, friendless, or never-in-a-committed-relationship people out there are just that way because they couldn't open up the right way. I know that if I ever decide to have children (doubt it), I'd raise them to be open minded, and to take rebuffs in stride.


You can't spend your life worrying about what-ifs. Sure, you may feel more guarded, but when you're all alone at 70, feeding 30 cats and you're wishing someone would visit, won't you wish you'd been more open?


{Note that it's fine if you don't want a relationship at all, but I'm not really talking to those who like being alone, since they wouldn't put themselves out on dates anyway!}



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[Andy6000]

This is hardly the antithesis of the Whores topic I was looking for.

This topic is more about not making a move rather than letting your looks make your moves for you.

But overall, I'd agree with Venetia about being too shy to do anything on a date or trying to get a date is bad. It won't come to you, you've gotta go out and get it. Or at least meet half-way (probably a better decision since the first one might end up in date rape!).

And Arc has a point too, I'm not a fan of '1st date = sex', I'm more interested in getting to know someone, or going to a movie and learning if they even like the same things I do.

 

[FzGhouL]

Thanks for the empathy. Not my situation, this girl is just hardcore shy. She's 23 and never, ever dated a guy besides me (We had dates...they were nice. But nothing physical occurred). I think she's one of those "Not only no sex until marriage, but no kisses until then and we may hug but we better be engaged" types... except she hasn't said anything, I just assume judging by her family. But at least she isn't awkwardly quiet.

Yes @ Andy. Same position. But sometimes if the first date is the only intended date, sex is alright.

 

[Venetia]

This is hardly the antithesis of the Whores topic I was looking for.

This topic is more about not making a move rather than letting your looks make your moves for you.

Lol yeah, but I'm not against people who wear a lot of clothes ... Sometimes it gets cold, y'know! Or what about people with scars?

:p

 

[holloway]

Sounds like he didn't want to plow it, which could be fair enough, I've never met this friend. Plus, you do realise men aren't one aim (sex) machines, right? As he said, a good time never came up- it's quite possible your friend just wasn't that good at making the situation romantic. No matter the setting, your gf could just be awful on dates- I mean, from the sounds of it, she's way too pushy.

 

[Venetia]

Sounds like he didn't want to plow it, which could be fair enough, I've never met this friend. Plus, you do realise men aren't one aim (sex) machines, right? As he said, a good time never came up- it's quite possible your friend just wasn't that good at making the situation romantic. No matter the setting, your gf could just be awful on dates- I mean, from the sounds of it, she's way too pushy.

Rofl, I was trying to instigate a debate about the topic, not about criticizing my friend. And for the second time, I said she was looking for a hint that he was into her, like a flirt back. She wasn't pulling up her skirt and pointing, lol.

:p

 

[FzGhouL]

Maybe she should've been. That would be awesome :D

 

[Fafnir]

I'm kind of strange... Overall, I change throughout the day, but usually I'm very open around friends(and pretty much everyone really... except....}(as in, so much it freaks them out open), but when it comes to someone I'm attracted to, I become as shy as... um... something very, very shy.

I mean, for a long time, I was very, very introverted. Mainly because I was picked on alot since grade three all through middle school(and then becoming an introvert at the time didn't help...). And it seems like, whenever I'm near someone I like, I revert to that introvert. I don't know why, I guess I'm just shy.

 

[Venetia]

Maybe she should've been. That would be awesome :D

LOL, yeah, that would definitely make things a lot easier in the world of dating if that's all it took to hook up XD

@ Fafnir: Well it's totally normal to clam up around strangers you're attracted to, it happens to the best of us. The trick I guess is to not let yourself be controlled by the shyness. Nobody hardly ever gets dates by avoiding eye contact with everybody! :p

Edit: Whoa, is it just me or was that last sentence confusing? I don't not-need to not-but-yes get a non-improper grammar book.

 

[holloway]

Rofl, I was trying to instigate a debate about the topic, not about criticizing my friend. And for the second time, I said she was looking for a hint that he was into her, like a flirt back. She wasn't pulling up her skirt and pointing, lol.

It was highly relevant. Someone not wanting to bang someone doesn't make them a prude (and I cannot believe I ever said that).

 

[Venetia]

It was highly relevant. Someone not wanting to bang someone doesn't make them a prude (and I cannot believe I ever said that).

I know, and that's why I said this topic is mostly about openness in relationships/dating/toward unknown people because openness in sexuality is too personal to criticize.