Poetry by Ultimaodin... QTF???

[ultimaodin]

Meh here you all go! Enjoy!

Spoiler: Social Scene

What do you think when you hear the word obscene?
I think of the distrustful social scene
Where to be cool, you have to be mean
What is up with the current social scene?

Do we choose to act the way we do?
Or are we told how to on cue?
Why do we wag and say we have ‘the flu’,
Even though we know it’s not true?

Is it we who make our own decisions?
Or do we simply consent to the social missions?
Do we even hold our own visions?
Or are we just a pack of social minions?

And it ain’t even just at school,
Where you have to try and act cool,
Where you walk around being so cruel
Using another like a fool!

For wether you are adult or teen,
No matter where you are or where you’ve been,
We are all affected by the same theme,
That of the distrustful social scene.

Spoiler: Neither Road

I travelled a road
Long and straight
Following the path
Alongside my mate

Till we hit the crossroads
Where I came to a halt
My friend turned right
And I stood like a bolt

I looked to the right
To see beauty and grace
I began to wonder
If that were my place

I looked to the left
To see harmony
And I began to wonder
If that were the place for me

I looked straight ahead of me
To see unknowing
And I began to wonder
What it wasn’t showing

My eye’s darted to the right
To follow my friend
Then again to my left
To see another at a bend

Both paths had travellers
Both paths were attractive
But neither path suited me
Neither way did I choose to live

“I follow no manâ€

 

[moog]

They both seem uninteresting and too narrative. Sometimes I like that in poetry, but only when it flows better. Also, tooo mcuchchch rhymingggg lol

Good start though, I liked where the second one started but then I just lost interest. Try differant styles of poetry instead of stuff you learn in 3rd grade.

 

[Grathea]

OK, here's my input. If you're going to have rhyming poetry, you should try to incorporate meter, too - keep the same number of feet per line, otherwise it sounds weird.
Also, keep the same pattern of stressed and unstressed syllables throughout the poem. Iambic poetry, for example, goes on a 'STRESSED-unstressed-STRESSED-unstressed' system.
However, there are other types of rhythm as well. For example, dactylic poetry uses feet of one stressed syllable followed by two unstressed syllables.

For example, the poem Evangeline, by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, uses dactylic hexameter.

    This is the forest primeval. The murmuring pines and the hemlocks,
    Bearded with moss, and in garments green, indistinct in the twilight,
    Stand like Druids of old, with voices sad and prophetic,
    Stand like harpers hoar, with beards that rest on their bosoms.

 

[ultimaodin]

Yeah they ain't great but I thought I'd post them up. They are from two years ago so I don't see me ever bothering to improve them.

I might try writing another poem and I will take in what both you have said but what exactly do you mean by stressed and unstressed?

Also Neither road is a response to "The road not taken" which don't ask me the authors name because I wouldn't have a clue! I like to call it Yr12 english with a teacher I loathed! In fact I should post up the short story that got me 32/35! :lol:

 

[OS]

It's Robert Frost. One of the best poets ever.

As for your work; I agree with gratheo, for the most part, though I like the first poem's intent; it could have been done a bit more smoothly, but it's old, and you've probably grown. I wouldn't mind seeing a newer, smoother work.

 

[serrated_colon]

Yeah they ain't great but I thought I'd post them up. They are from two years ago so I don't see me ever bothering to improve them.

I might try writing another poem and I will take in what both you have said but what exactly do you mean by stressed and unstressed?

Also Neither road is a response to "The road not taken" which don't ask me the authors name because I wouldn't have a clue! I like to call it Yr12 english with a teacher I loathed! In fact I should post up the short story that got me 32/35! :lol:

I'm going to tell you something, very important.

In school, all shit is graded on is USING X AMOUNT OF DEVICES IN X AMOUNT OS WORDS IN A SEMI-COHERENT WAY
you can get an A but the story can still be a piece of shit.

 

[OS]

Oh, yeah, I've seen that happen before. You know your work is good/great when the teacher offers to read your work to the class or send it to win some scholarship because it is so "college level" or "unbelievably well written."

Their words, not mine.

Or, you can be cool, and use the writing level thing in your MS Word. That really doesn't tell you if something is good, but it will let you know the average grade level of your words (I suggest using big ones; they always get higher scores).

 

[ultimaodin]

I doubt I've improved as I haven't written a poem since but I might whip one up! :wink:


EDIT: I hate double posting so here you all go:

I whipped this one up real quick:

Spoiler: Ever See

Do you know that life is full of pain and sorrow?
Do you know that most live in horrid poverty?
Do you know that I fear the coming of tomorrow?
Do you know that I look nothing like what you believe?

Do you?
Can you?
Will you?
Shall you?
Ever see the truth?

Can’t you perceive the misery of which I speak?
Can’t you perceive how most people enjoy nothing?
Can’t you perceive how each day leaves me sad and weak?
Can’t you perceive in me lives a soul unbreathing?

Do you?
Can you?
Will you?
Shall you?
Ever see the truth?

Will you even try to understand the despair?
Will you even look at life through another’s view?
Will you even understand why life is unfair?
Will you even comprehend that this ache is true?

Do you?
Can you?
Will you?
Shall you?
Ever see the truth?

Shall you ever see what inflicts humanity?
Shall you ever see how society bleeds?
Shall you ever see the darkness in which I see?
Shall you ever see capitalism’s dark deeds?

Do you?
Can you?
Will you?
Shall you?
Ever see the truth?

 

[OS]

Two things I have to say about that:

Spoiler

I

I cannot see,
For I refuse,
To look through
Gloomy mortal’s views.

II

Flow like water,
Smooth and clean,
Ease your words,
Into a stream,
Let them slide,
Slip, and sail,
Make your words
Rain from hail.

Oh, that was fun. Well, I hope you get what I am saying, no offence meant. This is the kind of thing I am used to reading; they have some kind of ease to them. It is not easy reading your work because you jump from small words to longer ones, causing the tongue (at least mine, anyways) to bend weird mid-sentence. Though, I do like the simpler parts (Do you, Can you, etc.) Those flow nicely and are just easy to read.

Try writing something a bit simpler. First and foremost, try creating a structure. After all, the human brain can do wondrous things with structures; build houses, computers, and even languages. I suggest something simple like point I above; three words per line, most short, though never using contractions (“cannotâ€

 

[moog]

The second one flows better but still lacks depth.