sharksweetheart
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Please beat my introduction to a bloody pulp (gently)!
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I actually think its great. Reminds me of some sort of National Geographic documentary intro, haha.
Jokes aside, good stuff. Perhaps lighten the mood a little bit; it comes off as too intelligent, I hope that makes sense. Some players (I assume this is for a game) might not want to wade through too much sophisticated dialog, and that might be a Achillies Heel for it.
Im not a big writer, but I took a bunch of AP classes and writing workshops in high school so I hope my feed back helps.
Jokes aside, good stuff. Perhaps lighten the mood a little bit; it comes off as too intelligent, I hope that makes sense. Some players (I assume this is for a game) might not want to wade through too much sophisticated dialog, and that might be a Achillies Heel for it.
Im not a big writer, but I took a bunch of AP classes and writing workshops in high school so I hope my feed back helps.
The word "coos" seems a bit unfitting.
Would a creature with no face be able to express ideas such as "look", "smell", "taste", etc?
Because this is written in first-person, I'm worried about the amount of sophistication here, like TokyoKenshin said. Doe this character really talk and think like this? Hell, it's certainly possible, especially if it spends all its time alone in a dark forest undergrowth, but it's something to consider. If the character talks/thinks as the story goes on, the manner of speech will have to be consistent with this.
Would a creature with no face be able to express ideas such as "look", "smell", "taste", etc?
Because this is written in first-person, I'm worried about the amount of sophistication here, like TokyoKenshin said. Doe this character really talk and think like this? Hell, it's certainly possible, especially if it spends all its time alone in a dark forest undergrowth, but it's something to consider. If the character talks/thinks as the story goes on, the manner of speech will have to be consistent with this.
sharksweetheart
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The Cry of Fallen Angels
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The creature may be a bit "too intelligent", for a creauture that sits at the bottom of a damp forest all day, his speech is quite "rich". It's not the way of talking I'm referring to, more-so the words he uses.
I was about to say something similar. It just seems like there are too many similes and "pretty" words (words that invoke a strong image in the mind of the reader). While they can be good when used sparingly, try to avoid using too many in a row lest you lose the reader. Not every one is looking to read between the lines all the time to find what the writer means.
Other than that, it seems very good.
Other than that, it seems very good.
Brewmeister
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It certainly suggests madness, which I would expect from your explanation.
It leaves me wanting to know exactly what "They" are. This is good, as it will
draw the reader / player into the story.
Reminds me a bit of an eloquent version of Gollom, perhaps not to the point of
schizophrenia yet, but headed that way.
I wouldn't want to play a whole game written like this. But it does help establish
an atmosphere, and defines that particular character / race.
I'd say, "Keep it!" :scruff:
Be Well
It leaves me wanting to know exactly what "They" are. This is good, as it will
draw the reader / player into the story.
Reminds me a bit of an eloquent version of Gollom, perhaps not to the point of
schizophrenia yet, but headed that way.
I wouldn't want to play a whole game written like this. But it does help establish
an atmosphere, and defines that particular character / race.
I'd say, "Keep it!" :scruff:
Be Well
sharksweetheart
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