Paradisea Children

[Zekkyo]

http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t290 ... 1934-1.png[/img]
Story

Spoiler

March 23rd, 1622
A small empire to the north called Paradisea has grown much thanks to the blessings of the Goddess Frea. She has blessed these people who worship her without fail making them demi gods. However the other counties became jealous of Paradisea favor in the Goddess eyes, and so attacked them. The Emperor, and his sages fearing for their empire used their new found powers to seal Paradisea from the rest of the world. However he and the Empress was upset when they found their eight children were playing in the field at their empire border. The moment they were found they were killed however ten years later children who looked like them, and had the same names appeared. These children do not age unless their memories are taken away. These tiny crystals which hold all of their past keep them going till they are all together again, and can enter Paradisea. However the world is against these children killing them once found. Among them the Kael Empire wants to use them for their powers. then there is the God Raziel who was enraged at Frea for her blessing and now send monsters to attack the children. Will the Children of Paradisea ever return home?

Characters:

Jonah
Age:12
Birth/Death:1600-1612
Weapon: Boomerang
Position: Patriarch
--------------------
Jonah is the oldest of the Paradisea children.
He is the only one who when dies keeps his memories.
Jonah leads his remaining siblings and is known as the Patriarch
of the group. He is a bit of a smart ass but loves his sibling and will
do anything to protect them.

Seraphina
Age:11
Birth/Death:1601-?
Weapon:Mace/Rod
Position:Matriarch
--------------------
Seraphina is the younger nonidentical twin sister of Remi.
She is quiet, and shy, and only talks through her twin Remi.
However she is very kind, and caring and is known as the Matriarch of the group.
It has been ten years yet no one has found her yet.

Remi
Age:11
Birth/Death:1601-?
Weapon:Axe
Position:Archziel
------------------
Remi is loud, and rambunctious he spends
his time playing around, and practicing martial arts.
Remi is Seraphina translator, and is a Archziel or protector
of the group thanks to his skills.

Angelique
Age:10
Birth/Death:1602-1732
Weapon: Spear
Position:Sanctus
-----------------
Angelique is the silly girl who love nature, and just playing around.
She is the group Sanctus or Sanctuary
using her powers to reflect all attacks
She was last found an old lady dead in a alley.
The location of her rebirth is unknown.

Michael
Age:9
Birth/Death:1603-?
Weapon:Dagger
Position:Archziel
-----------------
Michael is imaginative, quiet, and cute.
He is short for his age, and always get picked on for it.
Michael although small is strong, and makes the perfect Archziel.

Mia
Age:8
Birth/Death:1604-?
Weapon:Slingshot
Position:Alexziel
--------------------
Mia is mature for a eight years old.
She is quiet, and well mannered.
Mia is an Alexziel or record keeper.
It is her job to protect their memories,
and keep all sorts of knowledge such as
what mushrooms are okay to eat.
She has a twin brother name Remi

Henri
Age:8
Birth/Death:1604-?
Weapon:Slingshot
Position:Alexziel
-------------------
Always copying his sister he tries to keep up with her.
Henri wants to be like his sister knowledgeable, and mature.
However this always conflict with his personality which is very hyperactive.

Janus
Age:7
Birth/Death:1605-?
Weapon:Gun
Position:Chereziel
---------------------
Janus is hyper, goofy, and a laugh to be around.
She is the group Chereziel or blocker. it is her job
to keep attackers back a distance.

Chiro
Age:14
Birth/Death 1899-?
Weapon:Slingshot
Position:Village Hunter
------------------------
Chiro was walking through the woods one
day when she found Seraphina asleep.
Since then his life has been Chaos.
He is loud, and a bit scary at times.
He is a Archer trainee, and wanted to work for his kingdom.
He swore to the remaining Paradisea Children
that he would help them, and their siblings get home.

Enemies

Emperor Kael: Strong, and war crazed this man has plans for the children which requires them to be alive.

Raziel: the God of war, and Kael Empire personal God he sends his monsters to destroy them each time they are reborn.

Screenshots:

Castle Paradisea

Spoiler

http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t290/Shoto22/RMXP/Castle.jpg[/img]

Seraphina & Remi Escape

Spoiler

http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t290/Shoto22/RMXP/Field.jpg[/img]

Remi Crucifixion

Spoiler

http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t290/Shoto22/RMXP/Death.jpg[/img]

Need:

4 White hair Boys Chars/Battlers
4 White hair girls Chars/Battlers

Emperor Kael Char/Battlers
Raziel Char/Battlers

This is my first ever RMXP game tell me whatcha think

 

[Luminier]

Oh, where to start, where to start.

First of all, your English is a little... lacking. Your grammar can be a tad confusing, and your word choice is poor. Try working on that a little; nobody likes playing a game made in English that sounds like it has a sub-par Japanese-to-English translation!

On to the story- if these people are demi-gods, then why are they so worried by some invading army? If there's an entire nation of demi-gods, then I'd think that a little evil empire coming in and trying to attack wouldn't be a particularly big problem. And then the empress's eight children are killed? Were they not demi-gods as well? How rude of that goddess, discriminating based on age(then again eight year-olds running around with godpowers might be a bad idea so)! And ten years pass and some kids that have the same looks and names appear? Appear from where? And more importantly to where? Or do they just surface or somesuch? And they have... crystals(ugh)? Crystals which hold their "pasts" and keeps them "going"? I don't quite understand this. Do these crystals contain their memories or something? And do they die when they get shattered or something?

However the world is against these children killing them once found.

This bit confuses me. Does this mean that the children are killed, or that attempts to kill them are being made? Your little crucifixion screenshot seems to point to the former.

Something that I really must take issue with is the ages of the protagonists. Even your average sixteen year-old farmboy from a razed village is a more plausible hero than these tykes. I seriously doubt that there are many ten year-olds that can put much power behind a blow with a mace, or axe(assuming these are short weapons). Slingshots and guns are much more appropriate weapons, as well as boomerangs, to a lesser extent, but a spear used by a ten year-old?! That's ridiculous! I doubt a ten year-old could even hold one up, much less actually wield it, and with enough skill to actually kill things! Another problem with their ages is that, if none of them, save Jonah, have any knowledge of their 'past lives'(assuming you're going with a reincarnation theme???), why the fuck would they decide to go off on some journey where they could get killed?! I think that even if they were swayed by the concept of going on a fun adventure, they would almost certainly go back home after their first encounter with deadly, deadly creatures(if they didn't get killed, that is)! Now, I suppose you've got some silly reason like "their village got destroyed D:<", or "theyre out for revenge for their killed mother D:<", but that first one is silly and the latter is just stupid. My advice, if you insist on keeping the characters at such a low stage of development, is at the very least include an older character. Someone with actual battle experience.

At first glance the castle screenshot looks pretty nice, and it would be... if it weren't a physical impossibility. I... can't really explain it because I'm horrible with explanations, but I'm sure that if you take a stare at it for long enough you'll be able to see what I'm talking about.
The second screen is just horrible. Sorry, but it is. Your use of the leafless tree tiles is... interesting, but all wrong. It just doesn't look right, and that would be because that's not really how they were intended to be used! That stream is really thin, why is it so thin, it needs to eat a sandwich. You've used the tall grass tiles all wrong; You have to use the border tiles along with them or else they look all crappy and square-- like what you've made. Also why did they set up their tent in tall grass where icky creepy-crawlies may lurk, when there is plenty of freshly-mowed stuff around?? Oh, and that fire character set is much better suited to fireplaces; there's another one-- in the same character set, I believe-- that is much better for campfires. And it'll align properly too. As for the last screenshot, all I can say is that it's too bare and "whuh?", because I don't know why you would show the death of a major character in a hype thread. Unless that is his "original death", or whatever??

I actually kind of like the concept, but I think it'd do much, much better as another genre of game, or maybe as a novel or something. I dunno. But if you still wanna stick with traditional RPG shits then be prepared to do a buttlot of explaining as to why things that should not be are.

edit: also i like how you mispelled the name of your own project in your custom member title. gj :thumb:

 

[Despain]

http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t290 ... /Field.jpg[/img]

nice trees bro!

 

[Zekkyo]

I should explain a lot of things first lets start at the beginning.
If it sounds Japanese like is mostly because this is my main language. English is my secondary language.

As for the demi god thing. Demi means half so they are half gods, half human. Because they are half human they can die, but because they are also divinity they can be reborn.

The crystals holds their memories. Well more like a copy of their memories so when they die the other can find them, and using the magic of the crystals can restore their memories.

The children are being killed once found

Also the children being the protagonist is not all that hard to see. Also with their Demi god strength it is not too hard for a child to wield a lance.

They are going on the journey to get back home. Their home, and family is in Paradisea.

Also the version in my profile was the original way I was gonna spell it but changed it.

This whole game is made off of a short story I made for class.

There are examples of this type of story everywhere check out the anime Fantastic Children.

 

[SorcerGamble2]

okay... that last guy was actually pretty kind... i just got two things....

one: the trees scare the hell out of me. 

two: it seems that the focus of this game is on the story, that story is the greatest thing on the plate/table/up for offer... so... the story needs work bro, like help from an outside source to make it sound more fluent.  especially if story is the main draw for your project.

 

[Luminier]

If it sounds Japanese like is mostly because this is my main language. English is my secondary language.

I assumed as much. But if you intend of making a game in English(?), you need to work on your English. It's pretty difficult to extract your exact intent from your words.

As for the demi god thing. Demi means half so they are half gods, half human. Because they are half human they can die, but because they are also divinity they can be reborn.

When I think of demi-gods, I assume they have some sort of divine powers. I mean, if the only advantage to being half god is reincarnation then no thanks, I'd rather not have to wait until my death to reap the benefits of my heritage.

The crystals holds their memories. Well more like a copy of their memories so when they die the other can find them, and using the magic of the crystals can restore their memories.

How exactly do crystals which contain memories help them locate each other?

The children are being killed once found

So the protagonists you've listed here die during the course of the game's events?

Also the children being the protagonist is not all that hard to see. Also with their Demi god strength it is not too hard for a child to wield a lance.

You just implied that demi-gods only have the ability to reincarnate themselves when they die, you said nothing about super-strength. :\
Not to mention the fact that a lance would be too long for any ten year-old to use properly. Unless they were freakishly big or something.

They are going on the journey to get back home. Their home, and family is in Paradisea.

Wait, I'm confused here. I had assumed that the children were reincarnated after their initial deaths. Correct? Wouldn't they then be born to different parents? If so, why would they, having no memory of their past life, go to Paradisea to be with their former families? Not to mention that just abandoning their current families is not only out-of-character for a child, but also pretty dickish.

This whole game is made off of a short story I made for class.

I'd actually like to see a translated version of this short story. I definitely want to see how you handle "childrens w/ big weapons kill demon;s" in a non-RPG setting.

There are examples of this type of story everywhere check out the anime Fantastic Children.

Just because there are other things like this doesn't make it any less wrong. There are lots of people who beat their children but that doesn't make it okay! ...Alright, that analogy was a little unfair, but I think you should be able to catch my drift.

Now, I'm not saying that kids wouldn't work as the protagonists, but it would certainly help your player's suspension of disbelief if they were older.

 

[Crystalgate]

Wait, I'm confused here. I had assumed that the children were reincarnated after their initial deaths. Correct? Wouldn't they then be born to different parents? If so, why would they, having no memory of their past life, go to Paradisea to be with their former families? Not to mention that just abandoning their current families is not only out-of-character for a child, but also pretty dickish.

This is also confusing me. The backstory implies that those children do not age which further makes me wonder how exactly they are reincarnated. Mind you, I think the idea of children locked in an unnatural cycle of reincarnation with a task they have to complete in order to find peace is interesting, but right now there are a lot of things that doesn't seem to make any sense, even with the presence of supernatural powers.

 

[WildCard]

Aside from everyone else saying things about the story, I just have to point out the trees, really? half dead sticks emerging from fully live trees? I just had to laugh when I saw that. and the grass....and the fire.....mostly all of it. lol

And yes, the story sounds more fitting for some weird novel, maybe call up Steven king?

 

[Luminier]

Aside from everyone else saying things about the story, I just have to point out the trees, really? half dead sticks emerging from fully live trees? I just had to laugh when I saw that. and the grass....and the fire.....mostly all of it. lol

And yes, the story sounds more fitting for some weird novel, maybe call up Steven king?

Please don't beat the dead horse. Three other people have pointed those out, there is no need for you to do it as well.
And just how is this King material? :s

 

[ebhz.Ash.4rm]

I really think you should work on the concept a lot more because as it is this has far too many holes. Posting up the original short story would help to make sense of the story.