[Original Short Story] Will He

[candle]

Will He
By Michael Mazzaferri

Will He or Won’t He? The question runs through my mind nearly every day. From the moment I awake to the second I fall asleep, that little green book seems to haunt me. I know my dream will never be realized if I do not open it, but I just cannot make myself reach for the book. And so it continues to just sit there, the world contained within its pages never expanding, never becoming more concrete. I want to show it to the world, but the question remains. Will he or won’t he? It’s more than just my inability to write. It’s more than my lack of motivation. It is also him. Part of why I haven’t returned to that world is in not knowing what he will do next. Until I do, I know there is no point in writing more.

Jonathan Harper is more than just a character to me. He embodies my hopes and dreams. He is the hero. He is the villain. He is the everyday person stuck in between. Yet even knowing as much as I do about him, I still have no grasp of what he wants. That is the crux of the situation. Will he or won’t he? He might, but he might not. How would he react after his wife’s remains are discovered? Will he sink to his knees in despair? Will he deny what is right in front of him, the horror too much to bear? Or might he go on a rampage, finding and killing those who could do such an atrocious thing?

That is my problem. I do not know what Jonathan might do because I do not know what I would do. I have poured so much of my own soul into him that we are very nearly one and the same. Will he or won’t he? Will I or won’t I? Every writer that creates a fictional world wants but one thing. No matter what they say, all they want is clarity. Be it on the laws that govern this existence, or on the secret desires locked within their hearts, they write until they find it. Will he, or won’t he?

Will the writer find the truth he is looking for? But what if that truth is not what he wanted? After all, truth is only a matter of perspective. Humans are fickle creatures after all, only believing what they want to. Destroying anything they don’t like. Will he or won’t he? Today he might, but tomorrow he might not. In my musings I almost forgot about that little green book. Funny since I came upon this subject because of it. As I think, I can’t help but open it and glance through one more time. This book is my life much more than anything else. Simply by glancing through, a person can get a sense of who I am, who I want to be; my beliefs, my denials. This book is me. Do I want to write the next chapter? I know I do, but still I hesitate to reach for a pen. Will he or wont he?

(c) 2009 - Michael "darkfire / candle" Mazzaferri

 

[Love]

Although it was short, I loved it. The idea was new and original, and the depth of the writing was touching. ^^

I'd give you some suggestions, but I find nothing that needs to be changed.

 

[CrymsenTears]

Very intriguing. It makes me step back and ask myself what I would do.

 

[glorious caesar]

Boring. Sorry to say it, man, but this "story" doesn't really do anything for me. It's an interesting concept, but it's poorly executed. As it is now, it seems like a weird little rant and not really a piece of fiction. Sure, you might be able to pass it off as some modern experimental stuff, but the ultimate goal of a piece of fiction is to be read and this doesn't even achieve that very well. It's like an awkward internal monologue that'd be better off as a part of a story. And it's disgustingly repetitive—which i why it's so boring and seems pointless.

In other words, it's a cool start, but far from being finished. There's one part that stuck out to me: "How would he react after his wife’s remains are discovered?...I do not know what Jonathan might do because I do not know what I would do."

Expand on that. It's an interesting idea. This could easily be transformed and expanded into a full real story about a writer's twisted motivation for murdering his own wife. But as it is, there's really nothing there. You're better than this, and I'd like to see some real fiction built with this concept.

Good luck man.

 

[metis]

The thing that threw me in this story was when you wrote,

Jonathan Harper is more than just a character to me. He embodies my hopes and dreams. He is the hero. He is the villain. He is the everyday person stuck in between.

so, like it's you (the narrator). That's what this line sounds like but I also feel that you (darkfire) don't want it to sound like that, at least sound like that plainly, but that you want to draw it out a bit, make it a little more vague maybe?
Anyways, it's a good story, good stream of thought type narration, just this bit seemed forced, too compact.

 

[Stardust]

It felt slow. Veeeeery veeeeery slow. It needs to feel quick or be deeper. At the moment, it's too repetitive and too vague to make for a good read. It sounds like an internal thought, but that's not necessarily a good thing even if it's what you were going for. It doesn't feel connected enough to be an internal thought. There isn't enough emotion in it. You could certainly make this better, but you need to define it more. The entire thing seems kinda scattered to me.

 

[candle]

First, I would like to thank everyone for their comments and critiques. As few posts that my other stories have gotten, I was beggining to be afraid that there simply weren't enough people interested in this board anymore. Now, on to my responses:

Boring. Sorry to say it, man, but this "story" doesn't really do anything for me. It's an interesting concept, but it's poorly executed. As it is now, it seems like a weird little rant and not really a piece of fiction. Sure, you might be able to pass it off as some modern experimental stuff, but the ultimate goal of a piece of fiction is to be read and this doesn't even achieve that very well. It's like an awkward internal monologue that'd be better off as a part of a story. And it's disgustingly repetitive—which i why it's so boring and seems pointless.

Truth be told, it is an internal monologue, but its not actually part of any story. This piece was written as a response to a writing prompt from my writing workshop where I was supposed to write a scene about an object on my desk in 500 to 1000 words. For a month, nothing came to me and then I realized I had the perfect object sitting right there. I chose a simple object and decided rather than writing a "scene," I would write why that object is just sitting there gathering dust.

The awkweardness of the writing probably is derived from the fact that I did not go back and edit or polish this story like I normally do (other than simple speeling/ grammar checking). Also, the repetetiveness was intentional for the most part. I kept repeating that question to emphasize it's importance to me and to show a cyclical nature to my thinking that occassionally happens (mostly when I'm musing like is written).

In other words, it's a cool start, but far from being finished. There's one part that stuck out to me: "How would he react after his wife’s remains are discovered?...I do not know what Jonathan might do because I do not know what I would do."

Expand on that. It's an interesting idea. This could easily be transformed and expanded into a full real story about a writer's twisted motivation for murdering his own wife. But as it is, there's really nothing there. You're better than this, and I'd like to see some real fiction built with this concept.

Jonathan Harper is the main character from a book I'm working on and my notes for his story are contained within this specific notebook. The scene where his wife is found dead is a pivotal one that I only figured out how to show a couple months ago. Unfortunaly, part of why I haven't continued is beacuase I haven't decided howe he should react yet (hence the question "Will he, or won't he?").

The thing that threw me in this story was when you wrote,

Jonathan Harper is more than just a character to me. He embodies my hopes and dreams. He is the hero. He is the villain. He is the everyday person stuck in between.

so, like it's you (the narrator). That's what this line sounds like but I also feel that you (darkfire) don't want it to sound like that, at least sound like that plainly, but that you want to draw it out a bit, make it a little more vague maybe?
Anyways, it's a good story, good stream of thought type narration, just this bit seemed forced, too compact.

You are right that I am the narrator, but that sentence is mostly to show Jonathan's character as well as how i view my self, and indeed, it is also my outlook on life. There is no good and evil, there is no black or white, there is no light or dark; there is only shadow.

It felt slow. Veeeeery veeeeery slow. It needs to feel quick or be deeper. At the moment, it's too repetitive and too vague to make for a good read. It sounds like an internal thought, but that's not necessarily a good thing even if it's what you were going for. It doesn't feel connected enough to be an internal thought. There isn't enough emotion in it. You could certainly make this better, but you need to define it more. The entire thing seems kinda scattered to me.

It does feel a little disconected, but most times I don't think in precise streams of thought. It's all chopped up and jumbled together. I think the reason you aren'rt seeing enough emotion is because you are not looking at that question the same way I do. When I think about it, that simple question is so very complex. I tried to show that by using the several variations and examples.