Online Coupling

[ChronoStopPosting]

This poen IS R-Rated, so read at your own discretion...

Spoiler: Online Coupling (R-Rated)

Hello, I am seventeen and my name is Debbie,
And no matter what, my friends won’t believe me.
They say I don’t know what love is. What it means.
But please, pretty soon I’ll be eighteen.
They say it isn’t real because I met him on the computer.
They say we will never take it to the altar.
They just laugh and tell me one day I’ll understand.
Forget it. I know he will one day take my hand.

Run little one run, he is not the one.
Run little one run, run little one run.
Run little one run, he is not the one.

My name is Katie, and my friend won’t get it.
She is in love with a man and wants to split.
That is all well and good, but they haven’t even met.
She doesn’t even know that he could be a threat.
She tells me to trust her, and she knows what she’s doing
I say fuck that, this is not time to be guessing.

She is running the opposite way.
Love or marriage? No it’s your funeral day.
She is running the opposite way.

My name is Dan, and my daughter is missing.
Where the hell is she, where is she going?
No warning, no signs, not even a letter.
Did I do something wrong? Could I have done better?
Am I a bad dad? Is it my entire fault?
Has life been the wound and this is the salt?

Run little one run, he is not the one.
Run little one run, run little one run.
Run little one run, he is not the one.

My name is Keith and I am forty-seven.
Some girl thinks am nineteen and my name is Alan.
Hopefully she will be coming over any second.
God please because I need some action.
I feel a little bad, but she is to blame.
She was the catalyst in this game.
I’m no more of a rapist than she is a whore.
Just as I thought, there is a knock on the door.

She is running the opposite way.
Love or marriage? No it’s your funeral day.
She is running the opposite way.

My name is Larry, and I am a police chief,
And what I saw today would give you grief.
Worst crime scene I have ever done seen.
Poor little girl, she was just seventeen.
Clothes ripped off and a knife in her head.
Not to mention her bloody limbs were tied to a bed.
Legs were broken because they weren’t that flexible.
Her jaw was out of place after she got a mouthful.
God forbid anyone should have to see this.
What did happen to this little princess?

Run little one run, he is not the one.
Run little one run, run little one run.
She is running the opposite way.
Love or marriage? No it’s your funeral day.

 

[e]

That was pretty decent; better than I expected

 

[Grathea]

I like it a lot. It has a very good tone to it. Nice work, I'd love to read more.

 

[ChronoStopPosting]

Thanks, xD :D

 

[Perihelion]

Well, let me say that I tend to really dislike poetry unless it's totally amazing, so it's not that your poem is bad as far as amateur poems go, but...

The message in your poem is incredibly trite. It reads like one of those fables they tell to small children to get them to behave; it would be 100x more interesting with some moral ambiguity. If you actually want to examine the issue of Internet predators instead of pandering to stereotypes, do some research and learn about all the complexities you've completely ignored here. Because people have such strong opinions about EVIL INTERNET PREDATORS, imo the best way to handle this topic is to do it such that you can't tell whether the girl is being exploited or not (because the anti-stereotype is just as bad, and there's plenty of gray area). Good art makes you ask questions; it doesn't teach you morals.

However, I have hope for you! (Uh, sorry if that was condescending.) The way you switched viewpoints was neat, and I especially liked that you gave the evil Internet predator himself a stanza. The way you handled the girl's death was also pretty good; I like that you sidled up to it instead of going into super detail of the event as it was happening, and the depersonalization of the death by using the investigator guy was neat. However, you really, really should avoid having him kill her. One, that's actually very unusual (the vast majority of rape is nonviolent), and two, going to extremes is a great way to turn your thing into a caricature instead of an honest examination. I mean, especially with the weird fetishes and killing and shit. (It is possible to make that work if you make the girl's psychology interesting in the right way, but you definitely didn't here.) Ties into what I was saying earlier.

So...yeah.

 

[e]

I think it was more meant to be a song, in which case most of your points are moot, considering the actual length of the whole thing.

 

[AbyssalLord]

Yeah, the way it flows definitely makes me think of a song.  I liked it though.

On another note, you really should take Perihelion'a advice.

 

[Perihelion]

Etheon: Length isn't an excuse for triteness. What points in particular do you think aren't relevant in a short piece?

I mean, you're perfectly entitled to disagree with my opinion on the way this should be done, but the way he's done it definitely isn't the only way.

 

[Ellie]

Hmm, it was alright, but there's something that strikes me, and that's that everything seems in there just to make it rhyme.
The lines are different lengths so it doesn't work in time.
I think perhaps it would have been better if the lines were thought
Out better as then it really would ought
To sound more like a proper poem and not
Just a story with random lines that done rhyme like you've got.
Not that I don't like the poem, it just seems somewhat strange as if words are in there just to be rhymable,
I mean lines like this that are somewhat unreadable:

Legs were broken because they weren’t that flexible.
Her jaw was out of place after she got a mouthful.

 

[AbyssalLord]

Yeah, try to watch the meter of your poem.  Right now it has no real meter, and it flows pretty weird.  I don't mean to stick strictly to, say, iambic pentameter or something, but at least work out a better rhyme scheme.  Watch the syllables in each line too; they were all over the place. 

 

[ChronoStopPosting]

(You guys made me go in full posting mode so I can reply to all your post without scrolling up, sorry fast reply) umm anyways...

@Perihelion - Your advise was awesome, thanks, and I liked your comments as well. I will definitely take that into consideration,

@Etheon - I was trying to make it a song, but I have TERRIBLE rthym so it ended up being a mixed up version of a song and a poem, xD.

@C. Wyatt - Ya I know, It was also very, very, very late at night when I wrote it (I write my best work when no one is around, so I was supposed to be sleeping.)

@AbyssalLord - Could you rephrase that, I didn't understand a word you just said.. and I suck at English class so I'm not 100% sure what Iambic Pentameter is.. I know I sohuld, but I can't remember, :/


EDIT: Sorry for taking so long to reply, the only internet I have is at the library... and it blocks random pages, so I couldn't get to this one, lol.

 

[e]

I was just saying that no subject warrants an epic.

 

[DaithioDell]

(You guys made me go in full posting mode so I can reply to all your post without scrolling up, sorry fast reply) umm anyways...

@Perihelion - Your advise was awesome, thanks, and I liked your comments as well. I will definitely take that into consideration,

@Etheon - I was trying to make it a song, but I have TERRIBLE rthym so it ended up being a mixed up version of a song and a poem, xD.

@C. Wyatt - Ya I know, It was also very, very, very late at night when I wrote it (I write my best work when no one is around, so I was supposed to be sleeping.)

@AbyssalLord - Could you rephrase that, I didn't understand a word you just said.. and I suck at English class so I'm not 100% sure what Iambic Pentameter is.. I know I sohuld, but I can't remember, :/


EDIT: Sorry for taking so long to reply, the only internet I have is at the library... and it blocks random pages, so I couldn't get to this one, lol.

Iambic Pentameter is a 'meter scheme' made most famous by Shakespeare.

The accents of syllables go like 'da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM'. Iambic means the stress is on the second syllable, pentameter means five stresses in a line. The opposite is a trochaic meter, which would be 'DA dum DA dum' ad. naus. It's a rule, but like all English rules, easily bendable.

To break it down all the way, 'iambic' means the type of 'foot' (or syllable pair), while pentameter means the number of 'feet' in a line. Iambic (or trochaic) trimeter would mean three 'feet', while iambic heptameter would mean seven 'feet'. Obviously, the words are Greek in origin.

If that doesn't make sense, I can explain in more detail.

 

[ChronoStopPosting]

I was just saying that no subject warrants an epic.

what do you mean 'Epic'?

 

[Whiskey Dick]

It reminds me of a chain e-mail passed between 14 year old girls to scare them into not ending up on a milk carton.  Needs less knife in the head and broken-jawed "mouthful".

If this poem is not pm'ed to 10 .org members within 15 minutes of reading this, you will be visited in the night by Chris Hansen from dateline NBC.