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Obsidian - Sci-Fi Drama

Obsidian is a novel I have been writing recently in response to a Henry David Thoreau quote I read in Civil Disobedience. The quote runs along the line of man running itself in a government-free utopia. So with that idea in mind, with a science fiction twist mixed with some psychological drama, I present Obsidian. This is my view of a world without a strong government, and how the people still seem to want to control. I can't explain, so just read.

I.


It was a day like any other. The clouds clung high in the sky as if they were afraid of the ground. The moisture in the air was so omnipotent that one would think rain could fall at any moment – but it didn't. No rain would fall on this day.

The oaks and sycamores waved in the gentle breeze, and with them a seldom leaf would depart from it and was sent fluttering in the wind. The people that dashed to and fro held their coats close to keep warm, and walked briskly to maintain a steady body temperature.

A huge mass of people was forming outside the Syndicate of Crime Prevention on that day. The crowd mumbled quietly, awaiting the arrival of the Syndicate Commissioner. They slowly swayed to fight off the impeaching cold, small puffs of stuttered breath exasperated into the chilled air. They were curious. They were curious above all else to hear the Crime Prevention Status, their monthly dose of morphine.

The Commissioner stepped out onto the platform anterior of the massive stone building and shook hands with some of the city officials who had already been there waiting. He approached the microphone stand, and with quick cackling cough he hushed the crowd and began to speak.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, you are all gathered here on this frosty November morning to hear the Crime Prevention Status of New York City. I am thankful to say that the month of November has been one of our most successful yet. We have lowered the crime rate from seventy-two percent to seventy-one and one-third percent!”

And with this the crowed cheered voraciously, shouting for more. They fed themselves with any good news. This was of course, their morphine.

“With the use of Old World interrogation techniques we have located several Mob storehouses, and thus have acquired over three million credits of stolen munitions. Your streets are safer now that we have killed half of the Mob's supplies!”

They laughed and cheered harmoniously. They pumped their fists in the air and waved them about with glee. They shouted SCP! SCP! SCP! It sounded like a basketball game, rather than a political conference.

“We predict in the next month of December we will have narrowed the Mob down to a few puny crooks and peddlers. And by the new year, my friends, the Northfield Crime Family should be completely eradicated!”

More cheers. The doped masses yelled and whooped in an opiated mass. More! They shouted. More! Liberation! Liberation! They almost danced; the crowd seemed to flow like waves as the mass of exuberant bodies swayed and jeered.

“I will now open the floor for questions. You all know the drill,” he leaned against the podium and looked out into the swarm of junkies. “Who's first?”

They all shut up. They knew a good few had questions and it was polite to hush up for them. Besides what else could go wrong? They were in a painless state of bliss, a pure state of systematic protection. One man raised his hand out from atop the opiated mass, and shouted,”What have you done about the recent robberies in Brooklyn, Commissioner?”

“The recent heists in Brooklyn are merely a series of small armed robberies. We believe them to be related to one of the local gangs. If anyone has information on the gangs in Brooklyn, it could prove useful. Just submit your information in writing to the Office of Samuel Waters, in the Center for Evidence and Information. Thanks for the question-,” he paused closing his eyes, and upon opening them blinked rapidly, when he was done he continued,”Jeremiah.”

A couple more cheers. They loved how the Commissioner knew every one's name. They didn't know how he did, but he did and that elated them. More morphine dripped into their already coated blood streams. Their smiles were more like forced muscle spasms now.

Thomas Gildhertz stood staring at the ground's intricate patterns. To him they seemed infinite in complete randomness. After a quick silence he came to his senses. He brought is heavy head up and gave the commissioner a glare. He mumbled to himself to just do it, to just ask, the commissioner would be happy to oblige.

So he did it. He rose his hand high into the frosty air, protruding the bobbing heads of dazed and confused. In articulate language he spoke over a cool wind that came rushing by,”Commissioner, what news do you have on the recent killings of Sarah Wylder and Jeff Simmons?”

The man at the podium seemed to tense up. His teeth gritted down, his face began to bloom in a placid pink blush. The rest didn't notice – they were far too numb to realize their Father was choking.

“Well,” he finally said, eyes fluttering rapidly,”Actually, Mr. Gildhertz, we have no leads and all information on that case is classified at this point.”

He made a mistake. He said the wrong words. These words penetrated the crowd like a blast of smelling salt and awakened them in an instant. Did he say “classified”?! Classification was an Old World practice of control. He must not have said it, they thought. But he did. He did, and they knew it. They were questionable but not stupid, they had heard it and they stared him down.

The awakener suddenly realized what he had said and spoke in a form of blatant fear,”There will be no further questions at this time!” And with that he bolted from the platform back into the grimy stone building of the Syndicate of Crime Prevention.

Thank you for interest in Obsidian.
 
I like the overall idea of it and I think you may have something here. There are a few points I'd like to critique though...if you don't want critique then don't open the spoiler ;)

There are some items that could be omitted to improve the piece - in this case 'less is more'. I particularly liked this bit
They were curious above all else to hear the Crime Prevention Status, their monthly dose of morphine.
and I think you should keep it...however in the 3rd paragraph after this you wrote
This was of course, their morphine.
which I think was unnecessary. Instead I would highlight the fact they feed upon good news a bit more rather than covering old ground. I think the later references to the morphine like "The doped masses" are good enough to emphasis your point. I think you're ok with this bit though:
More morphine dripped into their already coated blood streams.
- although the wording is a little sloppy. I think you might be as well altering it slightly - maybe you could emphasise the fact that their all like one collective group or something and come up with more powerful wording?

This bit:
The doped masses yelled and whooped in an opiated mass.
I found hard to swallow - left a nasty taste in my mouth and then 'opiated mass' is repeated again later in the chapter. Maybe lose that 'opiated mass'?

Also - I was reading it over again and I think it would be great if, rather than '“I will now open the floor for questions. You all know the drill,” he leaned against the podium and looked out into the swarm of junkies. “Who's first?”' and ',”What have you done about the recent robberies in Brooklyn, Commissioner?”' it'd be better to make the commissioner come up with this on his own AND THEN have that guy ask about the murders. Its obvious that the people have done what people do - they've replaced their old government witn a new one - blindly accepting whatever this guy tells them. The bloke who questions the murders is an anomaly - clearly he was nervous about asking the question so he knew it was a taboo subject - taboo subjects indicate there is a level of control.
I don't know - theres just something a bit off with the pointless question on an issue thats already been dealt with - I think you could play up the sense of control a bit more. The people are doped up to the eyeballs on bullshit already and don't realise it so I don't see any harm in showing their stupidity a bit more - have them swallow a bit more 'morphine' as you put it.

On the other hand - the commissioner giving the illusion that the people are in control of their own lives is a nice twist. So maybe just change the question that is asked - it seems more like a word filler than an important question about these peoples' futures.

Anyhow - I really enjoyed reading it and I look forward to future installments
Thanks for sharing :biggrin:
 
Thanks for the comments RedWitch! I did feel like I was over using the morphine metaphor, so I'll go and tweak some of those aforementioned lines.

As for the first question, I feel it is a bit necessary to show how control is in play. I will attempt to rewrite it to make it more blatantly that way. Thanks again for the comments.
 
I have begun the next chapter and am continuing to edit and append some more information to the first chapter. With the second chapter I am going introduce Thomas' inner circle and some of the motivation behind his questions at the rally.
 
my first response: Without reading it, why Obsidian? is there something metaphoric of a black volcanic stone or does it just sound cool?

Upon reading:
It was a day like any other. The clouds clung high in the sky as if they were afraid of the ground. The moisture in the air was so omnipotent*1 that one would think rain could fall at any moment – but it didn't. No rain would fall on this day.

The oaks and sycamores waved in the gentle breeze, and with them a seldom leaf would depart from it and was sent fluttering in the wind. The people that dashed to and fro held their coats close to keep warm, and walked briskly to maintain a steady body temperature.

A huge mass of people was forming outside the Syndicate of Crime Prevention*2 on that day. The crowd mumbled quietly, awaiting the arrival of the Syndicate Commissioner. They slowly swayed to fight off the impeaching cold, small puffs of stuttered breath exasperated into the chilled air. They were curious. They were curious above all else to hear the Crime Prevention Status, their monthly dose of morphine.

The Commissioner stepped out onto the platform anterior of the massive stone building and shook hands with some of the city officials who had already been there waiting. He approached the microphone stand, and with quick cackling*3 cough he hushed the crowd and began to speak.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, you are all gathered here on this frosty November morning to hear the Crime Prevention Status of New York City. I am thankful to say that the month of November has been one of our most successful yet. We have lowered the crime rate from seventy-two percent to seventy-one and one-third percent!*4 (BIG)”

And with this the crowed cheered voraciously, shouting for more. They fed themselves with any good news. This was of course, their morphine*5.

“With the use of Old World interrogation techniques we have located several Mob storehouses, and thus have acquired over three million credits of stolen munitions. Your streets are safer now that we have killed half of the Mob's supplies!” *6

They laughed and cheered harmoniously. They pumped their fists in the air and waved them about with glee. They shouted SCP! SCP! SCP! It sounded like a basketball game, rather than a political conference.

“We predict in the next month of December we will have narrowed the Mob down to a few puny crooks and peddlers. And by the new year, my friends, the Northfield Crime Family should be completely eradicated!”

More cheers. The doped masses yelled and whooped in an opiated mass. More! They shouted. More! Liberation! Liberation! They almost danced; the crowd seemed to flow like waves as the mass of exuberant bodies swayed and jeered. *7

“I will now open the floor for questions. You all know the drill,” he leaned against the podium and looked out into the swarm of junkies. “Who's first?”

They all shut up. They knew a good few had questions and it was polite to hush up for them. Besides what else could go wrong? They were in a painless state of bliss, a pure state of systematic protection. One man raised his hand out from atop the opiated mass, and shouted,”What have you done about the recent robberies in Brooklyn, Commissioner?”

“The recent heists in Brooklyn are merely a series of small armed robberies. We believe them to be related to one of the local gangs. If anyone has information on the gangs in Brooklyn, it could prove useful. Just submit your information in writing to the Office of Samuel Waters, in the Center for Evidence and Information. Thanks for the question-,” he paused closing his eyes, and upon opening them blinked rapidly, when he was done he continued,”Jeremiah.”

A couple more cheers. They loved how the Commissioner knew every one's name. They didn't know how he did, but he did and that elated them. More morphine dripped into their already coated blood streams. Their smiles were more like forced muscle spasms now.

Thomas Gildhertz stood staring at the ground's intricate patterns. To him they seemed infinite in complete randomness. After a quick silence he came to his senses. He brought is heavy head up and gave the commissioner a glare. He mumbled to himself to just do it, to just ask, the commissioner would be happy to oblige.

So he did it. He rose<-- Raised his hand high into the frosty air, protruding<-- you didnt use this word right. you don't protrude something you protrude from something the bobbing heads of dazed and confused. In articulate language he spoke over a cool wind that came rushing by,”Commissioner, what news do you have on the recent killings of Sarah Wylder and Jeff Simmons?”

The man at the podium seemed to tense up. His teeth gritted down, his face began to bloom in a placid pink blush. The rest didn't notice – they were far too numb to realize their Father was choking.*8

“Well,” he finally said, eyes fluttering rapidly,”Actually, Mr. Gildhertz, we have no leads and all information on that case is classified at this point.”

He made a mistake. He said the wrong words. These words penetrated the crowd like a blast of smelling salt and awakened them in an instant. Did he say “classified”?! Classification was an Old World practice of control. He must not have said it, they thought. But he did. He did, and they knew it. They were questionable but not stupid, they had heard it and they stared him down.

The awakener suddenly realized what he had said and spoke in a form of blatant fear,”There will be no further questions at this time!” And with that he bolted from the platform back into the grimy stone building of the Syndicate of Crime Prevention.*9

First off, it's good to write, and i encourage you to do it more, it's good for you.
That said there's allot of things about this that really just don't sit well with me. Some of the word choice is either incorrectly used or overly elaborate to the point where ur message is lost in the metaphor, and some of the ideas are just nonsenseicle.

I've bolded the things that REALLY grind me and added notes here.

*1: omnipotent describes the all might power of a being, for instance, God. It's all powerful. Possesses all the power of the world. Also all knowing. that kind of thing. Rain is not omnipotent. Try saturated? Somthign to that effect.

*2: Syndicate sounds naughty. this may have been what u were going for but it's not very subtle.

*3: Coughs don't really cackle. Cackle is laughing, coughing is coughing. There are much better and more appropriate words for this situation. Rasping?

*4: This. Is. Absurd. If 70 percent of the inhabitants of the city where criminals, the order would have already been overthrown by them. Please at least pick aa realistically bad number. 40% would be huge?

*5: I dont like this metaphor that much but it's your choice.

*6: A commissioner of the law would not speak like this. It just doesn't sound athauratative or professional.

*7:a little redundant.. crowed seemed .. as the mass... idk bugs me.

*8: make it more subtle. If i man has been in the habbit of controlling people for many years, he wouldn't slip so greatly. real political villains don't lose composure for long in these situations.

*9: You've already established it has an abriviation. Use it.

There are various other nit picks and pin holes i could go after about word choice and the way you structure your sentences and paragraphs but I don't think it would be fruitful.

Hope you can forgive me for assaulting your baby but i'm just not that impressed with it at this point.
 

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