Nu'ok

[Necrile]

Spoiler: What is this?

This is the story of all of my games, in biblical format (it is written by Odin). It is somewhat based off of Norse paganism, and please do not read it if you want to be suprised by the games. The titles do not represent games, as they are littered through out parts of the Nu'ok, and are merely a way to represent sections of history. This story is meant to try to explain life through a new look (in a completely fictional manner), with a hint of realism and throwback to actual reality. This entire story will be played throughout the compilation of my games in some way or form.

ΑΡΧΙΚΟΣ

1

In the beginning, there was nothing, and in the end there was nothing. There is no beginning, and there is no end. Like that of a circle, it remains a mystery to those who do not reside as Odin. The mere concept of there being no beginning and end restrains all from being gods. Therefore this text shall not be read by any mortal.

2

He whom resides in Yggdrasil is Odin, and only Odin, whom is both Yggdrasil and life. Yggdrasil is the fabric of existence, and cannot die, for Odin dies for it. Odin, however, cannot die, and Yggdrasil chooses whom will be its life. If Yggdrasil breaks its life, then so does the circle end.

3

However, Odin fears the loss of his power, and gives birth through Yggdrasil to many sons, whom will seperate Odin from the mortals, and the mortals from Odin, whom he fears to be more powerful than him. These sons prevail over the branches and roots of Yggdrasil, and the mass that entitles them to.

4

Odin's first born is named Thor, whom Odin favors and is most loyal to him. Odin promises Thor his largest mass, sitting at a root of Yggdrasil. From the springs of the root of Yggdrasil, Thor brings life to his mass whom he names Hjlindornn, and whom the people of the mass name Earth.

5

Inhabitants of Hjlindornn argued over Thor's presence, and created their own stories to explain their existence, and who they thought Thor to be. Thor did not interfere, and so he watched onwards, hopeful of what was in store. However, there were opposition to the followers of whom they thought Thor was. A group who tapped power from Yggdrasil to become gods themselves.

6

These people shared knowledge of this to all the inhabitants of Hjlindornn, and hearers of this abandoned their fellowship with their thought of Thor, in pursuit of the path to becoming a god.

ΘΑΝΑΤΟΣ

7

Thor saw these things, and was angered by it. With his fist, he struck Hjilndornn, which turned into many pieces of mass. The scarce inhabitants of the former mass called Hjildornn now struggled to survive, whom were saved by the seeds Yggdrasil had implanted into the land.

8

Their struggle to survive was foolish, and many ended their own lives. However, there was one being who was isolated on shard of Hjlindornn whom was known to Odin as Pandora. This person had learned to live with the inhabitants of the land for many years after armageddon.

9

Pandora saught after the knowledge of Odin, and the defeat of Thor, and had a passion to serve justice to those who wronged him. However, Pandora's dreams of godliness were cut short by his mortality, and away to his after life he went. Here he resided for many years, until Thor destroyed the heavens.

10

Pandora was given life through an event unknown to him, his evil from hell, and his righteousness from heaven. Passionate to eradicate Thor, Pandora regrew Hjlindornn through the flora left on the shards of mass, and rose the long deceased from their graves. He soon began to learn the ways of manipulating matter and energy, to allow him to discovers far off shards, where others had survived for so long.

11

He travelled to these lands, and built an army so powerful, that he defeated some of the most powerful beings of existence, the very survivors which Thor himself could not kill. Upon his travels, he discovered 4 groups which had followed their studies of the route to godliness, and Pandora attempted to stop them.

12

However, he could not. These people created their benine gods, whom the groups called Titans, in hopes of defeating Thor and creating their own utopia. Thor laughed at their foolishness, and imprisoned the Titans and their followers in lifeless shards of Hjildornn which he named Nethers.

13

Thor created an area around his throne which he named Abyss, and siphoned the power from these Nethers to it, where Thor was nourished to a point of power, where he could claim Odin's life with his fist. Thor sat on his thone, and slept for many years, not aware of Pandora's intentions.

ΑΝΟΔΟΣ

14

Pandora returned to his land, with heroes whom he had met and equipped artifacts with, from the corners of the known universe. Pandora and his people worked endlessly to create a breach, where Pandora and his heroes could enter the Abyss through, and end Thor.

15

Pandora succeeded in doing so, and united a front against Abyss, and defeated the Titans which sustained Thor. Thor awoke from his slumber, but could not defeat Pandora. They fought for a large amount of time, but Thor could not revert to his previous level of power. He had become too reliant on the Titans, and fell from exhaustion.

16

He there took the power of Thor, combined the light with the dark, and rebuilt the shards of Hjilndornn back to one, which he named Hellendorn. Here he reigned for many years with Mjolnir, until Yggdrasil became sick of him, and retracted its roots from Hellendorn. Pandora became angry, and destroyed the other planets which Yggdrasil fed, and killed every follower of Odin that would not be loyal to Pandora.

17

Yggdrasil became sickly, and began to die. Odin began to sustain Yggdrasil with his power, in hopes to save it. Yggdrasil became envious of Odin and his power, and consumed him. Yggdrasil began to consume the mass, and light, and the stars, and the heavens, and everything which he had created, and sustained.

18

Pandora climbed Yggdrasil, which had now become bloated and slow, and began to control Yggdrasil from its branches. Yggdrasil became curious of him, and infused him with what he had consumed. Pandora became what Odin was, and realised that the universe was bare.

19

So the new Thor then had the knowledge of life, and what mortals could not understand, and began to create life as he had remembered it, in hopes of restoring the damage which had been done by Yggdrasil, Thor, his sons, and himself. Yggdrasil told him not that history would repeat itself once more, and forever after that. This entertained him, and remained silent, watching for all eternity.

 

[e]

Good stuff; but I'm guessing if you've put this here it's for criticism and not flat, politically-correct (and generally unmerited) praise.

First things first; I was struck by the bizarre need of an all-seeing entity like Odin, which is "Yggdrasil and life", to write down this brief history of time and space. Ignoring the fact that he uses written language at all, why would a being with a potentially unlimited memory - or, even simpler, a being which can see time as a circle, and thus unfolding before him in all directions without any linearity - even write down anything?

The use of writing in general is for communication or memorization, but it seems paradoxical that a such a being would use this basic, primal form of communication. Then again, as a mortal, I suppose the reader wouldn't understand the motives that would lead Odin to write such things. Either way, the only logical conclusion I can come to is that this isn't written by Odin, but by a mortal, someone who's physically limited enough to use writing or some other form of language based communication.

To take an historical example, the Bible was written by mortals who may or may not have believed that they were setting down the word of God. In fact, most religious writings are based upon this premise; it seems ludicrous that a God, or a non-human, immortal entity (non-symbolic, in our case, I suppose) would take the time to write such a thing, unless it's meant to communicate with mortals, but you specifically stress that Odin would not do so.

Either way, this doesn't invalidate your piece at any rate; leaps of faith and assumptions are a core component of most pieces of creative (and, to some extent, non-creative) writing. But it is important to give some thought to these matters beforehand.

So about ΑΡΧΙΚΟΣ:

The first thing that struck me is the constant shifting between the past and the present tense; here you imply something happened, there you imply something is happening, etc. It gives the text a chaotic feel which is unbecoming considering the writer.

For example:

1 In the beginning, there was nothing, and in the end there was nothing. Because of there being nothing, it does not exist

I didn't quite get why you changed verb tense. By using the past tense, you imply that the beginning and the end have already happened; and then you switch to present tense, saying that "it", whatever it is, does not exist. What does not exist? This whole shtick? The whole story?

whom will seperate Odin from the mortals, and the mortals from Odin, whom he fears to be more powerful than him.

First of, it's separate; secondly, why would Odin fear mortals? After having read the whole thing, he never even interacts with them. I guess you're trying to stress the fact that he fears the very thing which makes them different, that is, mortality, something he discovers for himself at the end. It's just displayed in a weird and hackneyed way.

3 However, Odin fears the loss of his power, and gives birth through Yggdrasil to many sons, whom will seperate Odin from the mortals, and the mortals from Odin, whom he fears to be more powerful than him. These sons prevail over the branches and roots of Yggdrasil, and the mass that entitles them to.

What happens to these other sons? Did they create other worlds? Do they rebel, do they fight for their father against Thor, etc.? If they're this useless, just remove them and make Thor Odin's only son.

5 Inhabitants of Hjlindornn argued over Thor's presence, and created their own stories to explain their existence, and who they thought Thor to be. Thor did not interfere, and so he watched onwards, hopeful of what was in store. However, there were opposition to the followers of whom they thought Thor was. A group who tapped power from Yggdrasil to become gods themselves.

"Hopeful of what was in store"? Why is he hopeful? Are we to infer some sort of precognition power to Thor and assume he knows what will ultimately happen (i.e.: fusing with Yggdrasil)? Also, the wording at the end is bizarre: "However, there were opposition to the followers of whom they thought Thor was. A group who tapped power from Yggdrasil to become gods themselves". First, it would be "However, there was opposition", and secondly, "to the followers of whom they thought Thor was" is, as far as I know, grammatically right, but aesthetically and poetically wrong. The wording is mangled and has no flow. Maybe rework that bit. The same holds for the next verse, the 6th, which is also phrased in an odd way.



Now, about ΘΑΝΑΤΟΣ:
You start losing some of the Biblical style here; true, it's still in verse, but other than that you seem to lapse into a bout of cliché'd fantasy prose. Keep in mind that the Bible in style is epic, and is saturated with the tragic (i.e.: symbolism over realism). The Bible is chuck full of allegories, as are most religious texts. Here, I get no feeling of poetry, only a squinting glance at slice of that famous circle of time.

The scarce inhabitants of the former mass called Hjildornn now struggled to survive, whom were saved by the seeds Yggdrasil had implanted into the land.

The adjective scarce is misused; while we understand your meaning, in terms of the "feel" of your work, it is forced and unbecoming. A quick definition of scarce: 1. insufficient to meet a demand or requirement, or, 2. difficult to find, due to scarcity. Whereas the second definition might seem to apply, I don't believe it conveys what you're trying to stress; use surviving or some other adjective to drive your point home. In allegorical writings, and religious, each word is carefully weighted as it is not only use to convey it's own, poor, little meaning, but in general to carry the overall feel of the piece.

However, there was one being who was isolated on shard of Hjlindornn whom was known to Odin as Pandora. This person had learned to live with the inhabitants of the land for many years after armageddon.

Why is Pandora referred to as a "being", then as a "person"? Is he an old inhabitant of Hjlindornn, or was he created by Odin? Furthermore, your first sentence implies that the shard is named Pandora, not the being/person. And this is the first time the word Armageddon is introduced, and misused: "The place where the final battle will be fought between the forces of good and evil". First off, it should be capitalized; secondly, the word Armageddon is nowadays commonly used as a substitute for catastrophe and the likes, but in a writing such as this one, you would assume it implies this very definition; after all, it is a religious word.

9 Pandora saught after the knowledge of Odin, and the defeat of Thor, and had a passion to serve justice to those who wronged him. However, Pandora's dreams of godliness were cut short by his mortality, and away to his after life he went. Here he resided for many years, until Thor destroyed the heavens.

"Pandora sought the" is the proper beginning, corrected. Also, you serve something/someone, you don't server to something/someone. Also, godliness: "The condition and quality of being godly". Note, being godly, not being a god. I'm not entirely sure of what you're implying. "and away to his after life he went. Here he resided for many years, until Thor destroyed the heavens": the ellipsis is a nice touch, but away to his after life he went sounds like something a red jovial bon-vivant might say. It sounds to...vulgar, I guess. Nothing of the spiritual poetry used in religious writings. Also, it'd be "there he resided", not here, because here implies the writer is at the location, or the reader or some such.

Passionate to eradicate Thor from his throne

You mean "eradicated Thor", or "push him off his throne", or some such. Eradicating someone from their throne is very strange indeed.

He soon began to learn the ways of manipulating matter and energy, to allow him to discovers far off shards, where others had survived for so long.

Space travel, nice. Other than that, it'd be "allow him to discover", without an "s".

that he defeated the most powerful beings of existence...Upon his travels

During his travels. Also, isn't the most powerful being Odin? Or if not, Thor? Yggdrasil? I thought Odin was writing this.

These people created their benine gods, whom the groups called Titans, in hopes of defeating Thor and creating their own utopia. Thor laughed at their foolishness, and imprisoned the Titans and their followers in lifeless shards of Hjildornn which he named Nethers.

First: benign, not benine. Secondly, why is Thor laughing? In other words, why is he showing such human emotions? When did he become humanized? It's a common device humans used when writing about their gods and other mythological creatures (i.e.: coercing these beings into the short spectrum of human emotions/passions), but this is Odin writing. How weird is that. I get the feeling you're trying to convey, but the way its written doesn't hold with what we're being told.


Now, on ΑΝΟΔΟΣ:
The best, story wise, paragraph, and yet the worst in terms of writing and feel.

14 Pandora returned to his land, with heroes whom he had met and equipped artifacts with, from the corners of the known universe. Pandora and his people worked endlessly to create a breach, where Pandora and his heroes could enter the Abyss through, and end Thor.

The way you've worded it, Pandora has equipped the artifacts with heroes, whereas I assume you meant it the other way around. Furthermore, had Pandora and his people worked endlessly, they would never have finished (hence, without end). I assume you meant "tirelessly" or some such.

They fought for a large amount of time, but Thor could not revert to his previous level of power. He had become too reliant on the Titans, and fell from exhaustion.

Why not simply "fought for ages" or some such; keeping in mind that Odin is writing this, a large amount of time implies Odin feels the ebb and flow of time, whereas it seemed implied that to him there was no beginning/end. Also, "level of power" seems out of place in a religious writing. Perhaps occult the whole shtick.

16 He there became Thor, and rebuilt the shards of Hjilndornn back to one, which he named Hellendorn. Here he reigned for many years with Mjolnir, until Yggdrasil became sick of him, and retracted its roots from Hellendorn. Thor became angry, and destroyed the other planets which Yggdrasil fed, and killed every follower of Odin that was not loyal to Thor.

He then became Thor? If Pandora becomes Thor, then the rest is fine, as Thor showing humanized emotions is in character with Pandora's (assuming that Pandora is indeed human?). Otherwise, it's, again, bizarre. And when did Odin get followers?

On verse 17, isn't Odin Yggdrasil and vice-versa? Or did I misunderstand?

19 So Odin then had the knowledge of life, and what mortals could not understand, and began to create life as he had remembered it, in hopes of restoring the damage which had been done by Yggdrasil, and Thor, and his sons. Yggdrasil told him not that history would repeat itself once more, and forever after that. This entertained him, and remained silent, watching for all eternity.

An entertained tree? Same comment as before.


All in all, it's a solid piece in terms of information, but not so solid in terms of writing. I suggest you compare with other religious texts and use more allegories and poetic devices (i.e.: metaphors, symbolism, etc.) to impact the reader.

In a text such as this one, try to stick to the bare bones, to the very essential of what you're trying to convey; weight every word, every sentence and its place in the overall text. Maybe try to add a circular feel to the piece to reinforce your no beginning/ending point. My advice to you is to re-read yourself and, for every sentence, ask yourself if it's necessary. A lot of culling will probably be done, but you can start adding more after. And then cull some. And add. And so forth ad nauseam. There is no poetic furor; good texts are usually pieces on which the author has poured a considerable amount of time and thought.

 

[Necrile]

Wow, that is quite a doozy of a review, lou. When I have more time I'll respond to your questions about the text, and edit the story as you saw fit.

 

[e]

Edit the story as you see fit. Criticism isn't necessarily correct, regardless of who gives it; it should be taken into account (keep an open mind), but only keep what you agree with. That doesn't mean the critic isn't right, but until you understand the need to adopt such methods and understand them, then it doesn't matter.