New Poetry - UPDATE 2

[OS]

I am very self conscious about my work, so I haven't posted much since Something Epic a few months ago. I am sorry if I should have revived the old topic, but it seemed like Necroposting. Sorry if I am wrong.

Spoiler: Final Moments

Tell me, Stranger,
Where are you from?
Why are you here?
Why can’t I run?

Are you an Angel
Here for my soul?
Or maybe a Demon
To devour me whole?

Are you a wish
I made long ago?
Or simply a thought,
I could not let go?

Are you a dream,
I had as a child,
Or some kind of worry,
Broke free to run wild?

Are you the Villain,
Come for my blood?
Or are you the Hero,
A pillar in the flood?

Are you Father Time,
With a moment to lend?
Or maybe the Reaper,
Here for the End?

Spoiler: No Title

I cannot watch you,
Lying in this bed.
I cannot help you,
I can only cry instead.
Your heart is failing.
My heart is breaking.
Your body is ailing.
My body is aching.

I cannot watch you,
Through these bleary eyes;
I cannot love you,
Without compromise;
Tell me how you hate me,
Say what you regret,
I promise not to leave you,
And never to forget.

How can you not hate me?
I am healthy and strong.
How can you berate me,
For thinking I was wrong?
How can you correct me,
By saying what we know?
How are you so ready,
For your time to go?

If you will not hate me,
I cannot give you love.
If you will debate me,
I will share what I thought of;

I hate your eyes,
That watch me run.
I hate that skin,
Pale in the sun.
I hate that smile,
Teeth shining bare.
I hate most of all,
That silky hair.

I hate your absence,
When I was sad.
I hate my own,
When I was mad.
I hate your words,
The hope they gave.
I hate most of all,
Your early grave.

So, I hate the first part of the second poem. It feels bulky to me. Tell me what you think.

~Owen Sael

EDIT: Okay, so I edited them. I do not believe they are perfect, but I think they are going in the right direction. I've had to do rewrites on things several times before, so I will not mind another critique that points out several things to fix. (I'll probably give up if I break my Rewrite record, though. ~21)

EDIT 2: Okay, so I have made some more edits. The second one is now a bit longer, but I think I am getting closer. I wrote a few things I think weren't very easy to follow, but I am sure I will be pointed in the right direction from here.

 

[Surmuck]

For starters, if you hate the first part of the second poem you need to edit it so that you like it. Number one red-flag for a poem is if the author is willin to publicly say they don't like a section. Upon reading it, I would indeed suggest you go through and perhaps revise parts of it. It's strong overall though. Second poem has an ending that would make a very strong verse, although it doesn't feel like a very strong ending in itself.

Running from you,
Everywhere,
As though I owed you,
Some wretched care.

Awkward verse, in that it has such a differing format from those before and after it - and its considerably shorter. Consider removing, or editing.

It was a cold day,
But I ignored it.
It was raining,
But I did not care.
It was a hard rain,
But that did not hurt me.
It was a long walk,
But I was so sick of running.

I want to say that this section should rhyme, because it's so similar to the third verse. Consider that, and that last line is icky.

FIRST POEM:

I love it. Most of it.

Are you an Angel
Here for my soul?
Or maybe a Demon
To devour me whole?

Consider the fourth line revised to "to devour my soul". Much stronger feel, and very effective. However, if you do this I suggest that the second line be changed also, as using the same word twice in a verse - unless following a specific form - is very bad.

Or here for my troubles,
Because you’re my bud?

Icky verse, really. My suggestion? That, because you mentioned a villian in the previous part of the verse, you mention its polar opposite - the hero. This really just follows the form of the rest of the poem.

Are you tired?
I am these days.
Or are you waiting,
For the cold gaze?

Endings, and beginnings, are my favourite parts of a poem. They make poetry, or they tear it apart. That final line is going to make your poem beautiful - so I strongly suggest you edit your last line. I like the beginning of this verse, but that last part...can't connect.

Do, do, do revise the first poem. I can see a lot of sucess with it.
----
----

Sorry for editing your poems backwards, lol.

 

[OS]

No, no, I really appreciate it. I don't get as much time in writing as I'd like, and I really think I need the practice and advice.

A lot of parts (pretty much everything you mentioned) are the ones I felt didn't work right, but I just didn't feel like rewriting them. I only get my inspiration to write in small bursts, so...

I'll try to make them better. Thanks again for your critique.

 

[So fist]

I hate this hatred.
I hate this pain.
I hate this cold.
I hate this rain.

Optimus I would get rid of this stanza from the second poem.  Your point was already made with the line prior.  It is by far the most powerful line and it would be a more effective end point.  The above four lines add nothing.

 

[OS]

Thanks for that as well. I'm going to do the rewrite tonight. Thanks for the advice, guys!

~Optimist Shadow

 

[Surmuck]

You are brilliant
I've enjoyed this poem immensely, so I'll comment on what I noticed about the update:

Are you the Villain,
Come for my blood?
Or are you the Hero,
To pull me from the flood? <a little long?>

Are you Father Time,
With a moment to lend?
Or maybe the Reaper,
Here for the End?

Excellent ending, but the flood line is blocky and long - but if you edited that, I might go so far as to call this poem perfect.

---

Your heart is failing,
My heart is breaking.
Your body is cold,
My body is aching.

Breaking and aching rhyme, but cold and failing don't, and while you were on the right track it kind of...falls here.
Also, a transition might be a wise edition - as you had said.

Overall though, excellent pieces.

 

[OS]

Thank you very much, Surmuck!

I thought the 'flood' line might be a little long, but I couldn't think of a way to shorten it at the time. I'm sure I'll think of something.

As for the other poem, I think I'll need to work a bit harder.

I'll update soon.