Need feedback on poem(s)

[zchin]

My dear angel

Spoiler

My Dear Angel
By zchin131 (not my real name)

My dear angel
I love you so
But I cannot match your sublime

I wish we didn’t fuss, but
Saw the heat between us,
From once upon a time

You're the one, in the sun
Just standing there, looking divine

From where you stand
You are so grand
You're still the angel that's mine

My dear angel, you’re so smart
You've captured my heart, with a start
And have held it to your own, full of burning thyme
But, I'm not best for your angelic sign

I hate to say, but I must go
To wonder afar and learn
I yearn for my approval, the symbol
Of my return, but for now, I will work
Just to be better and the best is for my dear angel…
______________________________________________________________

This is from school, thought that it would be cool if I shared it, I entered it into a contest to get it published, haven't gotten back the results yet though.

To Die

Spoiler

Another one, I'm trying not to be to cliche but I don't see these kinds of poems a lot.
_____________________________________________________________

To Die
By zchin131

To die is to start anew
To change clothes in a closet
And come out a new person
But the person from before
Is lost for forever

To die is to kill everyone around you on earth
And meet new souls much more unfortunate
You’ll miss the rivers, rocks, and people,
Heaven isn’t real, time isn’t real
To suffer eternal damnation is to die

Dying isn’t worth giving up what you think you don’t have
For which it is hidden in front of you
You’ve lost hope, happiness, and much more
But you’ll lose everything else if you die
You’ll lose yourself, and will never find it again

Life's point

Spoiler

/\
/...\
/…..\
/…….\
/………\
/………...\
/….….……\
/.Life’s Point.\
/.By Zachary Chin.\
/..………...…..…\
/..…………………\
/……Life is created.….\
/……For us to live in,…..\
/But have you ever wondered\
/.…If there’s another reason....\
/…………………………..…\
/………What’s the point…..……\
/…….…To live another day…....…\
/..……The question’s irrelevant…...…\
/…………But I’ve another way….……\
/…………………………………….…\
/...….………I’ll summon god……….……\
/……..………To learn the truth………….…\
/……….…I’ll find that knowledge………….…\
/…….………To save our youths……….………\
/…………………………………………………\
/…….…………“I cannot interfere…………….……\
/……………For words mean nothing up here………..…\
/……………You’ll find out without senses………………\
/…….…………For this is my last lesson,” …… ……..……\
/……………………...……………………………………\
/……...…...Those words mean nothing to me right now…………\
/…..…..………That was too long ago, but somehow…………..…\
/…………….…As I fade out and die I notice that hint…………..…\
/………..………The purpose of life is to search for it!. …..….………\
/..……………………………………………………………………\
______________________________________________
Please ignore the periods and slashes because the font stuff is too complicated to be on here, it actually makes a point when in word (corny pun :3)

Thank you and have a nice day

 

[dadevvtsvre]

Ergh. Well, I'm somewhat biased because I strongly dislike sappy romance, but I'll try to give an unbiased critique.

actually, that's essentially the main problem with this from what i can see. it's execssively sappy and mawkish, and devotes its entire time lauding. it's exactly the kind of stuff dreamy 13 year olds write when fantasizing about their crush, or staring at her from across the class. i used to do this, lots of guys did it, it's cool. everybody was an awkward, gawky teenager at one point. but these kind of poems usually shouldn't survive outside of our notebooks. :[

your poem doesn't have any discernible meter or rhythym. try reading it out loud - you'll see what i mean. it flops around from three lines per verse, to two lines per verse, back to three, then four, then five. if you write a poem, don't restrict yourself, but at least keep to a consistent rhyming scheme.

anyway. those are your biggest problems. if you want to write a poem that's devoted to somebody, then don't make it entirely based on how unworthy you are of their glorious radiance. when this is what your entire poem is, it feels thin and contrived, unnatural and forced. i'd also recommend staying away from these kind of poems until you're at least, uh, 18? hell, i'm 16 and i'd never think about writing about love, because i simply don't get it yet, and i know it. i don't think anybody's mature enough to write prose about it until they're at least 18, probably older for most people. work on your basic poem skills first, like keeping a consistent pattern, and don't forget to include some imagery! :]

 

[Daxis]

My Dear Angel
By zchin131 (not my real name)

My dear angel
I love you so
But I cannot match your sublime

I wish we didn’t fuss, but
Saw the heat between us,
From once upon a time

You're the one, in the sun
Just standing there, looking divine

From where you stand
You are so grand
You're still the angel that's mine

My dear angel, you’re so smart
You've captured my heart, with a start
And have held it to your own, full of burning thyme
But, I'm not best for your angelic sign

I hate to say, but I must go
To wonder afar and learn
I yearn for my approval, the symbol
Of my return, but for now, I will work
Just to be better and the best is for my dear angel…

This is from school, thought that it would be cool if I shared it, I entered it into a contest to get it published, haven't gotten back the results yet though.

1st verse: the 3rd line kills it. No rhyme, and the rest doesn't follow this thing. One could understand if all the verses follow up like this... but they don't.

2nd verse: umm... what? does it mean that the one you love don't get along with you or what?

3rd: I would have personally gone with something to give it repetition, not description. Either way, the description falls a bit flat.

4th: does this follow up on the 3rd verse? the continuity appears out of nowhere, I'd think. and if it did follow, you should use some continuity in the way verses 3/4 are built.

5th: from here on to the rest, I think you're trying too much with the long and supposedly sophisticated descriptions. Making something eloquent isn't always the way to go, maybe making things less metaphorical would have been better.

6th: meh. most things have already been adressed. Notice how this verse is so much large and differently phrased than the earlier ones? not done too well.

Sorry if I sounded like a nitpicking jackass while critisizing this. It's mostly because I am a nitpicking jackass.

 

[zchin]

Well i don't expect much for a first poem, and this is coming out of a sappy 13- year old teenager, so your on target there,and I appreciate the critique it's just that love has seeped into my mind somehow, because all the gossip at school and stuff is about love, crushes, relationships, etc. It's probably not going to get in, oh well.

Thank you and have a nice day!

 

[zchin]

Bump, Made another poem, trying to be better, but I'm not really sure.

Thank you and have a nice day!

 

[Daxis]

A bit more consistency than before, but there are just various "off" places about it. There's a constant miss-rhythm about it- like the places that should sound consistent or good with the last line doesn't, and it occurs frequently throughout the poem.

1st verse: maybe it's just me, but that second line was sorta off, and that "a new person" line sounded dangerously close to rhyming with the first line, sorta feeling like the bad kind of repetition. And the "for forever" is weird.

2nd verse: the first line really threw me off. Maybe it was the kill, which was a bit different from the entire rest of the poem. Eh... it's okay, except maybe change the rivers and rocks to something else, maybe landscape and peoples or something like that.

3rd: loved the 1st sentence, although I think you could have phrased the 2nd line better to fit that 1st sentence. 3rd sentence, maybe use "much, much more" rather than just 1, give it a feeling of better repetition. And the rest is okay, except that the "to die" feels a bit more overused.

 

[zchin]

Thank for the comment, I'm starting to get used to it now :grin:
Anyways I added another one that I'm actually turning in to get published.

Thank you and have a nice day!

 

[Daxis]

Hell yeah, that last poem is so much better. There's a reasonable measure, rhythm, and rhyme, mostly, and it flows very well. There's one or two weird bits around, but overall it's very good.

The tree thing might make it seem better on forums such as this, but very good job.

 

[zchin]

Hahaha, thanks, but it's supposed to make a triangle to resemble the pointyness of the poem, this is the best I could do, I spent hours on it yesterday, I hope to get this published or something, but those are just small chances.

Thank you and have a nice day!

 

[Stardust]

The first two weren't too good (for the reasons Dadevster and Daxis pointed out), but the third one is quite good. The only thing that kinda bothered me was "You’ll find out without senses". The repetition of "out" kind of threw me off a little. :P

 

[zchin]

Hmmm, I guess so , at the time I didn't know what to put, but it meant without senses by you blind, deaf, mute, etc. basically you dead so yeah, but I think I got the hang of poetry now...

Thank you and have a nice day!