My Scraps, Your Scraps

[Surmuck]

Wrote it in five minutes? It goes here now.

Hi kiddos. First of all, I'm a mod here now  :smile:

Secondly, this thread exists to battle what I would really prefer to see less of in this forum - and that's tiny-bits-of-writing-that-i-put-together-at-1:00. Ideas are really great, and a lot of people produce some really brilliant stuff just on the fly. However, for the sake of not having entire threads devoted to your windfall of inspiration, I want to designate this thread specifically for 'scraps' and save the rest of the forum for more thought out material.

It's really a matter of gaining support - and finding out from other people whether they think your idea is good, and you should pursue some serious thought into your writing.

Because honestly and obviously, no one comes up with something cool, entertaining, and worth editing every time.

So for some less serious critique from our other loyal writers, this is the place for your random poems, instant idea, and short paragraphs.

To start us off, I'll post something I wrote relatively quickly one night.

Spoiler: Insta-poem

I'm sitting in my math class,
The one I know too well,
Just finished off the quiz,
Bade my 4.0 farwell

Each of us were given, to help us with the math,
This tiny little gadget, with it I need no tutor,
And sitting on this desk it is, I ask to it
I do, can this calculator really be only a computer?

Or does it's little display hide the
Answers that I seek, and will the little
equal sign let out a tiny shriek at the
horrors within numbers, lying at it's feet?

And will my little instrument, from
Texas it does hail, break itself
In it's despair, for my digits they do swell,
For numbers are a horrid thing, and this to you I tell

And when I do return it, for I surely will,
Will this little calculator ever speak the answers and
Not spill the awful secrets that are deep within its core,
Or will it choose a road of silence, and only that
Forevermore?

Okay this is a sticky now because I think it deserves sticky-hood.

Let's make this forum a fun place :D
-Surmuck

 

[ultimaodin]

This idea is great!
If it is worth something being further worked upon people will acknowledge it and then a thread can be made!
Your poem on the other hand, I am not a fan off. You have tried to add rhyme but I swear every paragraph rhymes in a different style and it just kills memory!

Here is my scrap:

Spoiler: Saving Each Other

Drifting... across a cold sea
A world tainted... by lust and misery
A hope and light... is what we seek
So will you please... please come save me

[Chorus]
So please... please won’t you save me
From my darkness
So please... won’t you save me
From my loneliness
So please... won’t you save me
So I can save you

Walking across... a desolate land
Time fleeting... like the drifting sand
It is here... that I stand
In the valley... of no-man
A world painted... grey and bland
My brightness... is a love so grand
A fallen angel... in the human land

[Chorus]
So please... please won’t you save me
From my darkness
So please... won’t you save me
From my loneliness
So please... won’t you save me
So I can save you

A mirror… reflecting you
A bloody pain... that sea of blue
Similar paths... differences are few
We find each other... a love for true
Let me see... your wings that you grew
As you helped me fly... into a journey anew

[Chorus]
So please... please won’t you save me
From my darkness
So please... won’t you save me
From my loneliness
So please... won’t you save me
So I can save you
So we can save... me and you!

 

[Surmuck]

Yeah, I know. And a lot of people are going to hate all over me for that, because of how often I complain about how other people do the same thing. It's a scrap.
But I'm glad that bothers you, because that shows you have a sense of good poetry :D

Yours looks like it's lyrics, and those are hard to offer critique on because songs rely largely on the tune their put to, but generally they look good

-Surmuck

 

[ultimaodin]

do have a sense of good poetry, I just can't write it. :lol:
Honestly I don't see why people would hate, it's fairly hard to write good quality poetry.

To me songs can be analysed on their lyrics because you can norally tell a good song when you can read the lyrics and automatically add your own tune to them.
Saving ech other is sort of a scrap because it was written in two minutes at my girlfriends place.

Honestly I kind of dislike when you read a topic that says "I made this last night.....etc" because you tend to get the idea they are going to be crap, alot of the time they are. Yes sometimes you get good ones. Placing such things here first will help people understand what is worth creating a thread for and what isn't.

Here is a song I put far more effort into and I'm currently working on recording it. (even though my voice ain't that great)

Spoiler: Dreamers

It is times like these
When the world is crashing
That we need somebody
To stop us from breaking
It is a time like this
When you are afar
For each we miss
Looking towards the stars

Every dream needs a dreamer
And every song needs a singer
And every part of me
Needs you with me
And I will be
You’re, love bringer
… I’m just a dreamer

As the dream catcher
Catches your dreams
I look forward
To everything
That you see
I will sit and listen
To all your stories
So please tell me
Because all I want
Is you next to me

Every dream needs a dreamer
And every song needs a singer
And every part of me
Needs you with me
And I will be
You’re, love bringer
… I’m just a dreamer

I dream that you
Could be next to me
Every day, anytime, anywhere, every moment
Every second in time
of which I could speak
together
together forever
we can dream about it
together
Dreamers forever

Every dream needs a dreamer
And every song needs a singer
And every part of us
Needs each other
And we will be
Each others lover
… We are just dreamers

See this way if people actually like it they can tell me here and I might start up a thread of some of my songs.

 

[Surmuck]

Which is exactly what this thread is for :D

@Your poem though, I really suggest you read your poems out loud if you don't. It makes it easier to identify which lines sound awkward if you can read through a stanza without getting confused / stumbling through a line. I see a few lines that just don't flow right in yours.

Okay now somebody post something else so this isn't just a conversation thread :D

 

[Glitchfinder]

Well, here it goes. I've never actually posted anything like this anywhere but DevianArt (which I have apparently abandoned). Here's the last two I posted on my account there.

Spoiler: Life

Standing alone in the dark,
You think of what is wrong;
You are a lonely spark,
In all that is life's song.

Standing together in the light,
You think of all that is great;
You are a part of what's right,
In all that life does create.

Moving with the crowd,
You are but a small piece;
Your actions under the shroud
Of all of life's feasts.

Moving ahead of the crowd,
You are a great example;
Your actions endowed
With all life has to sample.

Spoiler: Remnants

As I stand in the gloom
Of the Valley of Death,
Looking upon the tomb
Of all that had breath,

I see all that was before
And none that will be;
And I see no more,
For man's future must flee

Before their works of time
And their constructs of space
That were once sublime,
But the bitter embrace

Of eternity without end,
Has convoluted much
Beyond the ability to mend
Or the necessity of their clutch.

Edit: Well, here's another old one, it was a quickie I came up with on the fly.

Spoiler: Knowledge

Knowledge is Power.
Power is Pain.
If you don't understand,
I won't explain!

 

[ultimaodin]

Not bad. Life is pretty much a high piece but the last line of the third verse/stanza kind of throws it off. Just doesn't feel nor sound right.

Remnants is average but there are a lot of times where the tounge doesn't want to say particular words. Might just be me though.

Knowledge is good but I'd probably call it more of a quote, even if it is quoting yourself. It's simple yet understandable as well as quirky at the same time. Too short to be considered an actual poem though but could be mad into a bigger "picture" so to speak.

I also see you have good vocabulary and language skills. That is rare in poetry so I give you kudos.

Your pretty good g-glitch.

 

[Glitchfinder]

THe funny thing about that first poem is that all of my friends had more trouble with the last line of the fourth stanza. Oh, and yeah, I generally put my poetry to a nonstandard rythm. (If there is one at all) Thanks for the tips!

 

[Surmuck]

Just as a general tip, I really think you could work on adding some due closure to your poems; as each of them seemed a little lacking to me.

 

[Grathea]

Eh, might as well try and breathe a little more life into this subforum. Probably a lost cause, but whatever. Anyways, scraps. Barely coherent when I wrote, so take it as you will.

Spoiler: the questions nobody thinks to ask

I want to ask the questions nobody thinks to ask.
I want to go back and find my old kindergarten teacher.
I want to ask the question nobody thinks about.
I want to ask her
do you ever wonder
wonder what they'll become?
will they be leaders
will they be businessmen
will they be politicians
will they eke out a life they feel is worth living?
I want to ask her
do you ever wonder
wonder what they'll become?
how many of the little ones
grow up to be killers
to be victims
to be junkies
to be con artists
how many?
every killer played with toys
everyone has a childhood
and how many
how many will die before you do?
will die of AIDS
of cancer
car crashes
accidents
how many will take their own life?
falling, falling
from a fifth-floor window
until a not-so-gentle splat on the pavement
how many will grow up to be chalk outlines?
I want to ask her
if she ever asks
herself these questions
if she sits and thinks
about
the statistics.
I want to ask the questions nobody thinks to ask.
then I want to ask why nobody thinks to ask them.

 

[Surmuck]

You right damn good poetry on the fly, Gratheo. Usually I'd be bitching about the structural integrity or something; but I can see on some level you have a natural rhythm. Cool shit.
My only issue was the ending, where everything after 'about' was a little choppy - but I like to see poems like this here <3

 

[e]

Doesn't have much rhythm or feel to it; sounds more like something you'd run through your head before falling asleep. Or maybe I'm the only one who has weird incoherent thoughts before going comatose.

 

[Surmuck]

The lack of spacing can sometimes make it feel like the rhythm is more off than it is. I guess in my head I was inserting line breaks where I would expect them to be, which can sometimes skew my opinions cause' I'm seeing what's not there.
You could have a point and I just read it wrong last night.

 

[e]

I want to ask her
if she ever asks
herself these questions
if she sits and thinks

That particularly felt awkward no matter how I said it.

 

[Neverplayd]

I read it more like a story than a poem, where the breaks were more dramatic pauses than seperate verses. Making a story might have been his intention instead of a poem.

 

[Grathea]

I read it more like a story than a poem, where the breaks were more dramatic pauses than seperate verses. Making a story might have been his intention instead of a poem.

No, it was a crappy on the fly poem. Also, her intention, not his intention.

 

[x10000]

The first non-poem, if this isn't necroposting :dead:

Some kid at my school wrote a novel and I decided that I would not be outdone by him. I thought of this about two days ago, but here's a brief synopsis of what my story is going to be about:

Spoiler

" Richard Margai, Sierra Leonian nationalist, billionaire, and former child soldier, wants to bring to attention the horrors his race faces daily—by abducting 240 normal American high school students and forcing them to engage in a four-way guerilla-style team deathmatch untill the West takes an initiative to improve conditions on the African continent, and pays a heavy price for its historical exploitation of the African people.
Compelled to fight by exploding collars on their necks, the high school students separate into their respective cliques at school and take classic schoolyard fights to a whole new level. Amidst the fighting, seventeen-year-old Ronny Steele sympathizes with friends on all four teams, and struggles to find his true allegiance and identity. Constantly changing sides, and deemed untrustworthy by his comrades, Ronny must protect his friends and try to save everyone, before it's too late."

I'm only posting it here because I'm actually not sure if I will actually go through with it :biggrin:

 

[ebhz.Ash.4rm]

The first non-poem, if this isn't necroposting :dead:

Some kid at my school wrote a novel and I decided that I would not be outdone by him. I thought of this about two days ago, but here's a brief synopsis of what my story is going to be about:

Spoiler

" Richard Margai, Sierra Leonian nationalist, billionaire, and former child soldier, wants to bring to attention the horrors his race faces daily—by abducting 240 normal American high school students and forcing them to engage in a four-way guerilla-style team deathmatch untill the West takes an initiative to improve conditions on the African continent, and pays a heavy price for its historical exploitation of the African people.
Compelled to fight by exploding collars on their necks, the high school students separate into their respective cliques at school and take classic schoolyard fights to a whole new level. Amidst the fighting, seventeen-year-old Ronny Steele sympathizes with friends on all four teams, and struggles to find his true allegiance and identity. Constantly changing sides, and deemed untrustworthy by his comrades, Ronny must protect his friends and try to save everyone, before it's too late."

I'm only posting it here because I'm actually not sure if I will actually go through with it :biggrin:

Screams Battle Royale to me with the setting, and it seems a bit optimistic but there are many ways to play out that situation. I'll be suprised to see how the main character stays alive if the others decide to get ruthless, especially if no one trusts him.

 

[dadevvtsvre]

I'm not very good with poems but I'd like to get better. Here's something I whipped up a couple days ago in a couple of minutes. It was sort of a spur-of-the-moment sort of thing and it's not the greatest thing I've ever done.

Spoiler: All is silent here

There is a place
Where things are quiet
And no voices can be heard
There is a place
Where things are gone
No peace is deterred

In this place
Where things are quiet
A new light is seen
In this place
Where things are gone
This light is pristine

Come to this place
This place that’s silent
Sit down, wait, and see
Come to this place
Where I am sitting

I’m glad you’re here with me

 

[dadevvtsvre]

Yeah. I come up with this again on a spur-of-the-moment thing and wasn't quite sure what I was writing. I still don't quite get it, the words were spewing forth from my brain I couldn't even comprehend what I was typing @_@. Nonetheless, here is the product of a deranged mind!

Spoiler: The Mirror

The Mirror, uncertain,
Wary, it ponders
Reflecting the curtain
Its mind now wonders

To the couch, the fabric
The blue and the black
Energy, so static
It turns its back

In the kitchen it travels
The knives, so fine
The Mirror, it marvels
Contemplation, divine

A curious Mirror
On that wall
A sudden stupor
It falls

A tragic fate
A sheet of glass
Circumstances
We've come to surpass

The Mirror, in shambles
It's life now complete
We'll make a new one
One not so weak

It's just a Mirror
An object, so plain
The pain
The pain
It pains

For what? Difficult
To find what we seek
Take a peek
Into the Mirror