My Poems, <3, :-p

[ChronoStopPosting]

Alright, this is just some stuff I have does recently...

Spoiler: lost in the shade

Lost in the Shade-
I can't find my way out
of this Destiny.
I want to get out,
I want to be free.
You have locked me in,
for Eternity.
I want to get out,
I want to be free.

^^^^I actually did that one and won a contest on Poetry.com (200$)


I JUST did this one this morning in one of my classes...

Spoiler: FATE

I'm on a bench,
Waitin' for the bus to take me away.
Can't take this shit anymore today.
I know my parents won't give a fuck.
Off the bus, I'm at the last stop,
My first hitchhike in a molesters truck.
I'm headin' somewhere else,
Just as long as it aint home.
I'm at Nicoles just passin' the time...
Now that I've left my home behind,
I don't wanna look back
That's for a fact, no one there cares,
just cuz I'm black.

Racist Pigs control my world
my father was one, he made me hurl
I know what to do,
my path is straight,
All I gotta do is follow my fate...

(Authors Note) I'm actually white but my friend decided to throw that at me when I asked him for a rhyming word, so I decided to keep it

 

[Despain]

the first one is cool because it says a lot while being so concise.

the second one reeks of general high school-type angst

 

[ChronoStopPosting]

xD I agree, :-p, The first one I revised and added/removed some stuff because it was for a contest, the secodn one was just something I wrote in a notebook at class, the copied to this topic, lol, thanks though, :D

 

[Maleficus]

The first one is good but I prefer the second, GJ. :thumb: I like the twist, in the second one. :smile:

 

[Whiskey Dick]

Why would your parents hate you for being black?  They should be black too unless your mother was raped or went black and came back.

 

[Surmuck]

my father was one, he made me hurl

You did not just use the world 'hurl' like that
That one is going in my book of memories..
No surprise though, because the first stanza was already very poorly constructed, and just not interesting. More like a (substantially crappy) paragraph where you seperated the lines and tried to sound 'abstract' but didn't do a very good job of it.
-
Sorry for giving comments backwards, but that's how i roll?
First poem bothered me because you randomly decided it was time to rhyme right in the very center. Oh yeah, and it's eight lines but somehow 1/2 of them are the same.

-Surmuck
Catching up.

 

[ChronoStopPosting]

Why would your parents hate you for being black?  They should be black too unless your mother was raped or went black and came back.

Actually, my friend was black... and by "Racist Pigs" I didn't say he was racist of black people...

@Surmuck. I do thank you for the constructive Criticism.

 

[Luminier]

...d-did you seriously just bump your five month-old thread just to say thanks for crits? :crazy:

not that it's against the rules or anything, but just :crazy:

 

[Mustardy85]

I wanna see some proof that you won 200 mula for the first one. :biggrin:

 

[dadevvtsvre]

You really didn't have to bump a five month old thread to say that. The topic owner hasn't been here since February.