My Manga sample/ description

[Leon_R_Osborn]

Hello there, I'm new to this community, the name is Leon...

I was told in the introduction forum that someone would like me to share a manga I am creating. I thought, "hey, okay, why not." so here I am. I have a few samples, nothing to flashy yet, but I just wanted to throw them out there ad maybe collect some opinions! The manga is about an 18 year old boy, who serves a merconary group called, Panther's Rose. The boys name is Seira Hitimo Hakami.

To throw everything into a nutshell, the manga begins with him on his last mission, but things escilade into gigantic proportions of DOOM!
Basically he comes in contact with his lost brother who is evil, he becomes guardion of earth, a demon rises by the name of Tremer to steal the power of his father and take over the world. It get's pretty crazed, but ayway... before I ramble on an longer, here ar the samples.

The art is completely done b a good friend of mine by the name of Mary Clair Mark, or animezingrl on Mangarevolution.com, or carlyjo90 on gaiaonline.com

The story is completely made by me, however, Leon Richard Osborn, but I don't thik you'll get much of that in the samples.

Anyway here they are, and let me know what you think!

PAGE 4
http://i243.photobucket.com/albums/ff11 ... rl90/4.jpg[/img]
PAGE 6
http://i243.photobucket.com/albums/ff11 ... rl90/6.jpg[/img]
PAGE7
http://i243.photobucket.com/albums/ff11 ... rl90/7.jpg[/img]
PAGE9
http://i243.photobucket.com/albums/ff11 ... rl90/9.jpg[/img]

 

[Despain]

why start on page 4

 

[tofurkey]

Well, my main critiques are that the lines are uncomfortably hairy at times and look a little more like oekaki than a professional product. That and also, the shading, though I understand that you're looking for a manga-like look, gets really, really annoying. The couch/chair in the last panel is a good example of what I'm talking about. It's also very inconsistent with the lineart aesthetically. What's with the flowers in that second to last panel?

Panel with the guy lying dead on the ground is a good example of why you should never use the fill tool for coloring of any sort. Just take the extra time and do it by hand so you don't get the white stuff from incomplete filling.

About the manga itself, you jump from page 4 to page 9, and the guy's still on the phone. I can already say that those five pages in between probably need to be condensed, because unless there's some action going on, that's five whole pages of dialogue. Not really what you want in a comic book. Actually, now that I look at it again, he picks the phone up after hearing it beep, and the call's for him. That's kinda odd.

Also, he just drops the phone at the scene of the crime? If I were on a mission to kill someone, the LAST thing that I would be doing would be leaving something of mine in the same place that I killed someone. That and wearing fingerless gloves. That's like asking CSI to jump on your ass in a couple of days. The police really don't care whether or not you're the guardian of earth; if you kill someone, they'll go after you.

What kind of name is Panther's Rose? The two things don't really go together in a sense that makes me think mercenaries.

Anyway, overall, I think this still needs a fair amount of work. Your story seems pretty cliche from what you've given, though maybe you could have some things in store that aren't very typical at all (I'm not getting that impression right now). Also, you NEED to work on your spelling, especially if you plan on writing a manga. There's nothing wrong with your pages, but your post has atrocious spelling. Nothing pains me more than seeing unintentional typographical errors in "serious" written work.

 

[Leon_R_Osborn]

Hmmm... mhm, mhm...

Okay, uhm, thanks so far good or bad that's still helpful.

Anyway just want to point out a few things...

missingno we didn't really start on page four. My friend has redone the art for this many times. This time around, however, she chose to start with pages she liked the best. I'd guess they were just more comfertable for her.

No, onto tofurkey...

Thank you for your critique very much. I will make sure my friend gets a copy of it. There were just a few things I wanted to point out, if you don't mind listening.

  As for the whole proffessional thing... this is my friends first time drawing an actual manga, and my first time writting a finished one, so, we actually won't be going for an uber proffessional look... not yet anyway, but I understand fully what you mean about the lines and all.


To be honest, I'm not one hundred percent sure what's up with the flowers... Uhm, my asumption is it's an inside thing more or less, because in a little comic strip with Seira, he has many flowers behind him. I'd have to say it's just a him thing, but I could be wrong. That's more for my friend to answer, haha...

As for the phone, it's actually supposed to be a radio, which Seira drops after being attacked by the enemy in a previous page. And he actually doesn't start speaking with it untill page 7, if you noticed, and drops it on page 9. Also he drops it because Seira is an, "I could care less" kind of guy, and really does't want to be bothered by it anymore. As for the open finger gloves and being caught by the CIA or anything... there are two things against that, which you don't uite catch from the sample, that I stupidly did not explain.

All forms of identity of the Panther's Rose mercs are stripped, as if they don't even exist. Names, and records removed from file, finger prints stripped off,, the whole nine yards. Also the man he killed as a leader of a vampiric group of killers that was wanted dead or alive anyhow. Once again these things are my fault for not explaining, sorry.

Finally, as for "Panther's Rose," You find out why they are called that latter. It has something to do with the leader and his past.

Also, yes I do have a few none tipical things instore, but the mass amount of it you are probubly going to think of as cliche... and I understand this isn't the best thing, but I promise to do what I can to keep interest in the story...

And yes my spelling is very very bad... that is why I have an editor look over my work before I post it, my apologies...

 

[Shadow_Strike]

In the scene before the guy is shot, his hands are down.
But in the scene he is shot, he arm is raised and behind him.
Which means that either he had enough time (which isn't assumed as such by the flow) to raise his blade, or in about .01 seconds he raised his arms.

And Tofurkey hits the head on the nail.

Edit: Give your friend this link.
http://joeljohnson.com/images2/wallywood22panel1600.jpg

Its 22 panel layout/styles that /always/ works.

 

[Despain]

missingno we didn't really start on page four. My friend has redone the art for this many times. This time around, however, she chose to start with pages she liked the best. I'd guess they were just more comfertable for her.

Makes sense, but it makes me wonder if this will ever get finished.

Could you possibly post the comic script? Your friend is the artist, but your friend isn't the one who made this topic. The pages you've shown haven't done much to display your writing. I think that if you posted your script it would be easier to give you the king od critique you might deserve.

 

[Leon_R_Osborn]

Yeah, yeah, I should do that. Alright yeah, I'll post the script soon, thaks for the suggestion missingno, never really thought of that. Also thanks shadow, I'll send it to here asap.

 

[Stardust]

Not bad, but some things stand out.  First of all, I don't like how you're using Japanese names.  Unless they're in Japan, it's not necessary, and either way it's very cliche.  It'd be nice to see something like this with normal names, even though it's a manga.  The artwork is decent, but your friend needs to stay away from the patterns.  It'll look much better if he/she took the time to shade everything in by hand.  Most of the other things I was going to say have already been said.

Thanks for posting it!  It has a lot of potential if you work hard.  Also, if you're submitting scripts, I think that belongs in the writing forum instead of here.  It'll be nice if you separate your work and your friend's work so you know what needs the most attention.

 

[Leon_R_Osborn]

mhm mhm mhm Will keep that in mind. Also Seira is the only one with a Japanese name, because he is part Jap. Every one elses names are more american russion etc etc. Basically I have a wide veriety of names hahaha

 

[Shadow_Strike]

From the pages you left us, we couldn't tell.

 

[Leon_R_Osborn]

Yes yes, I know, that's my fault as well. My apologies again...

 

[Despain]

i just re-read the topic and realized seira's a dude.

she looks like a girl

 

[Venetia]

The art is pretty okay but HOLY BEJEZUS please find a new person to do the text. It's just ... well, it's just AWFUL by professional standards. The balloons are enormous, they're not placed well in context of the scene, they don't flow, and the font itself is way too fat and bold. There should be WAY more space for art than text and it seems like the text is competing with the art half the time.

people always overlook this when doing comics but they don't realize how INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT it is!!!! Even when a friend's very professional comic was critiqued by Dark Horse, it was turned down not because of the art, or because of the story, it was because of the text. And that text even looked pretty decent!

 

[Mascarpone]

If you're trying to hook me with a ":O what happend" it's really cominf off more as a ".... what just happened ~.~"

Aside form the fact that i've just been dropped in on a scene that completely confuses and bewilders me, i don't like the way it's written and.. as ven said, the text unpleasant to look at. Also you might want to practice more with those Manga photo shop brushes. there are places where it really has that 'I colored outside the lines" feeling to it.