My last poem to my ex girlfriend

[Juan J. Sánchez]

I translated the last poem I wrote to my ex girlfriend to English. I thought it came out nicely. I'd really like to hear some opinions, since I don't usually write in English. I personally like it even more than the Spanish version (which seemed rough and unfinished in my opinion).

Tonight I give you my last farewell.

This night is young, just like you and I,
and full of memories passing by.
Now I am without you nearby,
with naught to do but bid you goodbye.

I don't know where this road will lead to,
nor do I know what shalt without you.
I just know how to keep on hereto,
what past and present cannot undo.

I don't know what destiny awaits,
without your caring and quick berates.
But since you are gone, my love abates,
and how quickly step away our fates.

No longer will I see the firefly,
that hast resided inside your eye.
And no more verses be writ hereby,
as here I've written my last goodbye.

Original Spanish version:

Spoiler

Esta noche te doy mi último adiós.
La noche es joven, tal como tú y yo,
y bien recuerda lo que nos unió.
Donde yo estoy solo, antes fuimos dos,
y es por eso que yo te digo adiós.

No sé hacia dónde irá nuestro camino,
ni sé hacia qué lugar es que voy yo.
Pero no vamos juntos del destino
cuyas manos una vez las juntó.

No sé lo que me espera en esta vida,
ni sé ya lo que es vida sin tu amor.
Pero al quererte doy mi despedida,
porque tú crees que esto es lo mejor.

Esta noche te doy un triste adiós.
Ya no habrá más agrado ni dolor,
ni versos, ni esta pluma, ni una flor.
Será el último verso que te escribo;
por eso, amada, yo te digo adiós.

 

[Juan J. Sánchez]

Also, I'm thinking about starting a poetry topic here on the forum, where people can post their favorite poems and original works. I know all of you artsy fellows have some hidden writing you are afraid to share with the world.

 

[Spoo]

I'm not much count at objectively critiquing poetry, but from my perspective, you should cut out some unnecessary words here and there to make the words flow a bit better. Instead of pointing out each one individually, here's the revisions I thought of on the spot:

Tonight I give you my last farewell.

This night is young, just like you and I,
and full of memories passing by.
Now I am without you nearby,
naught to do but bid you goodbye.

I don't know where this road will lead to,
nor do I know what shalt be(?) without you.(?)
I just to only know to keep on hereto,
what past and present cannot undo.

I don't do not know what destiny awaits,
without your caring and quick berates.
But since you are gone, my love abates,
and how quickly step away our fates.

No longer will I see the firefly,
that hast resided inside your eye.
And no more verses be writ hereby,
as here I've written my last goodbye.

Like I said, that's just how I read it aloud. Second stanza, line two confused me, so I changed it to what I assumed it to mean. Third staza, line four might not be grammatically correct, neither your words nor mine. Someone will have to check on that, I think. But other than that, I think it's a great poem. Your feelings definitely show in the words, and that's (IMO) the most integral part of poetry.

 

[Juan J. Sánchez]

I didn't feel like making a new thread, so I'll just post this here. I usually don't right "stream of thought" type things, but I was a little drunk.

Letter to someone that is no longer around

I miss you so much.
So very much.
I miss you every day.
And everything reminds me of you.
I know I no longer exist in your life.
And I am nothing more than a memory to you.
Or rather an omission.
But you still exist in my life.
I have not been able to regroup myself you left.
I have not been able to consecrate myself either.
There is a void inside of me.
Spiritual.
Or perhaps emotional.
But there is a void.
And I can not fill this void.
I miss you so much.
The good and bad.
But mostly the good.
I miss hugging each other when we slept.
Now I am afraid of sleeping.
And I am afraid of waking up.
As a matter of fact, I live in fear.
I am afraid to be alive.
I am afraid to be happy.
Afraid to be sad.
Afraid of doing nothing with my life.
Of being successful.
Of being happy.
At the same time, I do not think I deserve to be happy.
I have not done anything to deserve to be happy.
I am not happy.
Not without you.
Not without us.
And this is why I miss you.
Because every day I see you even if you are not there.
Because days are more bitter without you.
Shorter.
Darker.
Endless.
Haunting.
And nights are longer too.

 

[Xilef]

It's very good to read in the style of an Eminem rap.

Poetry is an art but the idea behind it is to be broadly understood and relatable by all (basically, needs to trigger empathy).

If a poem reads like a personal letter to yourself (like a diary entry) then it's missed the mark - you'll be getting sympathy rather than empathy.



I think you made it way too personal and too complex. You've crammed a lot into it and the subject changes a lot across few lines.

 

[Juan J. Sánchez]

It's very good to read in the style of an Eminem rap.

Poetry is an art but the idea behind it is to be broadly understood and relatable by all (basically, needs to trigger empathy).

If a poem reads like a personal letter to yourself (like a diary entry) then it's missed the mark - you'll be getting sympathy rather than empathy.



I think you made it way too personal and too complex. You've crammed a lot into it and the subject changes a lot across few lines.

I know. The language barrier doesn't really help. I'm way more gifted in Spanish. Then again, values and customs are also different in Hispanic culture, which makes writing different. I'll keep trying.

 

[Juan J. Sánchez]

And thanks for the rapport!

 

[Xilef]

Then again, values and customs are also different in Hispanic culture, which makes writing different. I'll keep trying.

That's what I was thinking, but I didn't want to presume because I haven't actually studied Hispanic poetry

 

[Juan J. Sánchez]

This is a new poem. It's much better in Spanish than in English.

Niña, yo te veo todos los días.
Te veo aunque tú ya no estés aquí.
Y al no estar, son las noches tan vacías
que el viento me arrastra lejos de ti.

En vez me olvido el no estar en tu vida;
ni soy recuerdo, ni seré omisión.
Con el tiempo mi memoria se olvida
y lento se resquiebra el corazón.

Niña, nunca pensé que tú te irías,
pero te has ido y me has dejado aquí.
Me adolece la falta de alegrías
y sin pensar es que yo pienso en ti.

La mañana despierta adormecida,
eterna, delirante y sin razón,
y con temor de no hallar la salida
del laberinto en mi imaginación.

Niña, yo te extraño todos los días,
desde aquel día en que ya no te vi.
Extraño tus manos sobre las mías
y extraño estar yaciendo junto a ti.

Lentamente has dejado en mí una herida,
lentamente se ha muerto mi ilusión.
Lenta, muy lenta, ha sido tu partida;
lenta y llena de desesperación.

Now, the translation is somewhat as follows:

Girl, I see you everyday.
I see you even if you're not here.
And by not being here, the nights are so empty
the wind drags me away from you.

Sometimes I forget I'm no longer in your life;
I'm not a memory, nor an omission.
With time my memory will be forgotten
and slowly my heart will be broken.

Girl, I never thought you would leave,
but you have left and left me here.
The lack of joy saddens me,
and without thinking I think about you.

The morning wakes up sleepy,
eternal, delirious, and without reason,
and with fear of not finding the exit
of the labyrinth in my imagination.

Girl, I miss you every day,
since that day in which I no longer saw you.
I miss your hands over my hands,
and I miss lying next to you.

Slowly, you have left a wound in me,
slowly my hope has perished.
Slowly, very slowly, has been your departure,
slowly and full of desperation.

NOTE: Alternate Ending
and slowly does this song end.