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Matty's Short Stories

Hi everyone! This is actually my very first post here at HBGames, so I should probably introduce myself. My friends refer to me as Matty, and I am an aspiring author who happens to dabble in various RPG projects, though at the moment I am only helping out a little with the story for Final Fantasy Essence.

I decided to make this post because I feel that it's important for me to share my work, and receive some feedback and constructive criticism if I want to improve. Lately, a friend (Sinmora) and I have been generating a random word and writing short stories based on that word, and so far we have finished two. I would like to share these with you, and hopefully others if we continue these exercises.

DEAL is actually a short story about Gilles De Rais, who was a companion of Jehanne D'Arc. I was actually really intrigued by his story and though it's not quite original, I was still inspired to jot it down.

TRANSFORM is about a little girl's memory of Christmas Eve.

So without wasting any more of your time, here they are :) Any feedback and criticism will be greatly appreciated. Thank you very much!

Oh, before I forget, a very special thanks to Sinmora for helping make Transform sound a little better :)

EDIT: 9/13/2010 Added three more short stories - DRAMA, MATE, and PRECAUTION. There's not a whole lot to say about them, though I'd like to note that MATE is not an original story, it is the retelling of a scene from Dragon Age: Origins. Obviously, I do not own any of the content from DA:O, the story was written merely for fun.

Gilles fell to his knees, barely catching himself with his hands before faceplanting into the stone floor. His knees cracked as they made contact with the jagged stones. He cried out in agony, but the guards outside simply laughed.
"That's nothing compared to what we have in store for you."
The cell door creaked as the guard pulled it closed, and a loud click followed shortly after, as the Guard locked the door tight. They left Gilles to his misery.
He couldn't help but notice his reflection in a puddle before him, no doubt caused by the heavy rains and poor conditions of the cell. He took note of the dark circles beneath his dark brown eyes, the sunken almost non-existant flesh on his face revealing a chiseled cheek bone and jaw... He had changed. His face no longer that of innocence, and eyes that no longer glimmered with the faith of the Lord.
He pulled himself toward his cot, leaning against it, his face plastered in his grimey hands... hands tainted by the demonic pact he made years ago... hands stained with the blood of hundreds of innocent children. He was about to be executed, found guilty for his crimes of murder and dabbling in dark demonology, but Gilles simply laughed.
He was a fool; he had allowed his ambitions to skew his judgement, and lost sight of everything that he had once held dear. He had spat upon everything that Jehanne had worked for, and still, he could only laugh.
The chanting of the crowd outside grew as time passed - the city square bursting with population as the people gathered to watch this sick and twisted murderer be executed in the name of God.
The Church was proud to have captured him, proud to offer him to their Lord, proud to have put an end to his crimes and sins.
None seemed to realize that Gilles had died long ago, his life was forfeit the moment he made a pact with the Devil.

December 24th, 1990... I will always remember that fateful day, twenty years ago.

I was real little then, and though our Christmas was never anything special, I always looked forward to the scent of the pine tree and the flickering of the old lights we'd set up around it. I used to sit on the floor playing with my doll, Claire, while Mommy was in the Kitchen washing dishes and cleaning up from the day's events.

That night, just a few minutes before my bedtime, Daddy came home. He was different. He was talking real funny, and Mommy seemed real scared. He raised his voice, and Mommy cowered in the corner, tears streaming down her face. Daddy slapped her.

She started screaming, begging him to leave her alone, that she was sorry. He didn't listen. He started shouting all sorts of naughty words at her... words Mommy told me never ever to repeat. I was real scared, and started crying. What was wrong with my Daddy?

He turned his sights on me, and took a few steps in my direction. I could barely make out the scowl on his face through the blur of my tears. He pointed at me, and told me to shut up. I cried even more.

Mommy grabbed him by the arm, told him to leave me alone. He hit her real hard. She stumbled, and fell backward, hitting her head on the kitchen counter. She started to bleed real bad. I called out to her, tried to get close to her, but Daddy pushed me back onto the ground. I could hear Robbie, my big brother, walking around the house. What was he doing?

Daddy grabbed me by the arm and dragged me across the carpet, my legs unprotected as my nightgown rode up... My legs were tingling from the rugburn. Robbie came out of Mommy and Daddy's room, he had Daddy's gun in his hand. Daddy laughed, asked him if he felt like a man. He started screaming at Robbie, telling him that he was his father, that he should never point a weapon at him. Robbie didn't say anything.

Two loud bangs rang throughout my ears, I jumped, and Daddy's grip on my arm loosened. I pulled away, crying, and crawled across the carpet, and hid underneath the Christmas Tree. Daddy fell the floor, but even with his last breath, he was still cursing my brother. Robbie walked over to him, the gun still in his hand... He had it pointed at Daddy's head. Another bang.

Robbie dropped the gun and just sat on the floor, leaning against the wall. He looked at me and told me he was sorry. I didn't know what was going on.

This hadn't been the first time Daddy had acted like this.

I used to read a lot, mostly fantasy stories of far off worlds where I felt like I could escape. I read about these creatures called werewolves, humans who transformed into wolf-like beasts with a taste for blood when night fell. For a long time, I thought Daddy was a werewolf. It wasn't until I was much older that I realized it wasn't the moon that was transforming my Daddy... It was alcohol.

"My Lady, you can't go in there!"

Dahlia glared at the servant through the tears streaming down her face, piercing his confidence. With a soft whimper he squirmed out of her way. She flung the door open, and it crashed against an end table, knocking a vase off and shattering it upon the tiled floor. Her husband, Count Edwin of Rheina, was sitting at his desk, looking through piles of papers on his desk. He was unbothered by her sudden presence.

This only seemed to increase Dahlia's ire, and she stormed toward him, slamming her open palms onto the desk. "Edwin!"

He looked up from his work, a heavy sigh escaping his lips. "What do you want? Can't you see I'm in the middle of something?"

"Don't play dumb with me, you know exactly why I'm here!"

His attention returned to the papers before him, and he flipped one over, reading over it's contents before responding. "And you know why I cannot help you."

"You promised that you would! You're just like your Father - full of hot air and always thinking of himself!"

Edwin's blank expression turned sour, his brow furrowed and his eyes narrowed before he pursed his lips. He said nothing.

Dahlia burst into a fit of fresh tears, loud sobs filling the room. "You p-promised m-me."

Edwin stood, but remained on the opposite side of the desk. "As I said, I cannot help you. The Church has spoken... Your sister's fate is decided. She will be executed tomorrow for her crimes." He slowly walked around the desk, and passed his wife, though stopped before walking out of the room. He spoke in a soft whisper, without turning around. "... I have business to attend to elsewhere."

The servant from before popped into the room, cautiously stepping in and approaching Dahlia. "Uh... M-my Lady! Is... is there anything I can get you? Some tea perhaps?"

Dahlia grabbed one of the books off of her husband's desk and threw it at the servant, who sadly was unable to react quickly enough to dodge it. She pelted him square in the head. A squeak emitted from his throat, and he rubbed his head for a few moments before bending over and picking up the large tome from the floor. "V-very well then! I shall... erm.... tidy up then."

Noticing that the Mistress of the household was indeed reaching for another book, he shrieked and ran out of the room and down the hallway.

Dahlia plopped down on the floor, leaning against the old mahogany desk, clutching the book to her breast. How could her husband do this to her? He had promised that he would intervene, and ensure that her sister would never stand trial before the Church, but as usual, he said what he did to please her, and did the exact opposite. It was -HIS- fault her sister was being killed.

Dahlia was sure that her sister was innocent; she was a woman of devotion and strongly believed in the Lord. How could she have turned to Witchcraft? She knew exactly what was going on - her sister's husband had recently passed away, and his land went to her sister... a WOMAN. The neighboring Lord, Desmond, was ambitious, and had always wanted those lands to himself. Of course he would try and frame her! And now that she was being executed, who was going to get her lands? Desmond, of course. If Dahlia could figure it out, why couldn't Edwin see the truth in her words? Why hadn't anyone else figured it out?

Dahlia burst into another fit of sobs, her unending river of tears falling like rain on the pages of the book in her clutches. Her sister was the only family she had left, besides Edwin. They had promised to always be there for one another, but Dahlia was powerless. What was she going to do without her sister?

She finally pulled herself up, using the desk as a support whilst she balanced herself. Her gaze turned to the window, where she noticed it had begun to rain. She slowly moved toward the window, entranced with the water falling from the Heavens. She dropped the book on the floor, stepping over the now creased pages. She leaned forward, her forehead resting on the cool glass of the window. She traced the raindrops sliding across the glass with her finger, and choked back her tears.

Desmond, Edwin, the members of the Church who put her sister on trial... They were all demons. They would never understand the pain and suffering Dahlia was going through. Her sister was her world... her everything! She would never forgive them.

Dahlia had always believed the rain was God's expression of sorrow, and it pleased her to no end that He too, was grieving with her.

An excerpt from the diary of Lady Saria Cousland, a Grey Warden of Ferelden:

...Upon reaching a large corrider within the Dead Trenches, and old fortress of Bownammar, long abandoned by the Legion of the Dead, we discovered another dwarf, though it was obvious that she was suffering from the effects of Darkspawn taint. Her face was darkened and stained with black blotches, her eyes sunken and devoid of all life. When we discovered her, she was feeding upon what appeared to be her lost kin. I cannot even begin to imagine the torment she has been subjected to.

Hespith was her name, and she spoke with us for a short while, though it was obvious her mind was on the brink of madness, if not lost already. She spoke rapidly, detailing the sad fate of Branka's House. She told us that the men had been slaughtered, and their flesh and blood offered to a dwarven woman who had been captured by the Darkspawn. What purpose would they have captured a woman for? I had thought Hespith spoke in madness, and was not aware that she indeed spoke the truth.

Before we could further question her, she ran away, down the dark tunnels that lead further within the trenches. We followed her in pursuit, though it was not long before we lost sight of her. I could hear a morbid chant echoing through the tunnels - it was Hespith! She chanted the words again and again, until finally she laughed and then... all was quiet. All that could be heard was the rapid breathing of my companions as they raced to catch up to me.

The words of her chant burned themself into my memory, and I have made note of them within these pages.

"First day, they come and catch everyone.
Second day, they beat us and eat some for meat.
Third day, the men are all gnawed on again.
Fourth day, we wait and fear for our fate.
Fifth day, they return and it's another girl's turn.
Sixth day, her screams we hear in our dreams.
Seventh day, she grew as in her mouth they spew.
Eighth day, we hated as she is violated.
Ninth day, she grins and devours her kin.
Now she does feast, as she's become the beast."

"Now you lay and wait, for their screams will haunt you in your sleep."

Hespith had tried to warn us, but we were not prepared for the horror that awaited us at the far reaches of the Dead Trenches. Before us was a large, bloated mass of flesh and I now understood the meaning of Hespith's chant. This -creature-was once a dwarven woman, though any aspect of her past form were now lost in the brink of madness and taint of the Darkspawn. She had been fed the flesh of her kin, and drank the blood in ravenous delight... all the while they filled her with their taint, defiling her body and mating with her until she began to mutate into this beast... a beast which gives birth to thousands of darkspawn.

Branka was responsible for creating this horror... a horror which effectively began to cause trouble for both Orzammar, and the surface of Ferelden as well. It seemed as though Branka, in her desire to obtain the power of The Anvil, had lost her mind long before Hespith had, and it was her madness that caused her house to be annihalated. There was nowhere for them to run.

I could not imagine a fate worse than that of Laryn's.

Queen Amilia watched with narrowed eyes as the unconcious young woman was placed into the bed of the deceased Princess. For a man who lived only for money, and was known for his shady past, he laid her down most gently, and pulled the blankets over her when he noticed she was shivering.

He turned his attention to the Queen, and clasped his hands together. A devilish grin formed on his face, revealing rotten teeth and a few gaps between them. "Looks like my work here is done. I'll just take my pay and I'll be out of your hair for good."

"As promised, here is your fee. I've included a little extra to ensure that you stay silent." She handed him a cloth sack, and he immediately opened it to look at the contents. It was filled to the top with golden coins, the contents bulging at the sides. On top of the coins were a few uncut rubies, and upon seeing them he pulled one out and held it up to the light. "Well I'll be damned. I never expected anything like this!" He chuckled to himself, and noticing Amilia's icy glare, put the precious gem back within the bag and closed it.

He bowed low, ushered a thanks to the impatient Queen, and having overstayed his welcome, made his way back through the secret passageway that the Queen had detailed to him.

When he exited the damp and dark passageway, the cool night air welcomed him as it brushed against his face and greasy hair. He looked up at the night sky and grinned, and continued on his way. Though his life had been full of shady dealings... drugs, illegal magical goods, and even slaves, he planned on giving all that up. He planned on going west, over the mountains and into the lands of Treahn. With all the money and the uncut gems, he planned on building himself a house within the forest, living his life undisturbed by the hustle abd bustle of the city. Though his past was riddled with sins and crimes he'd never be able to redeem himself for, he had promised himself his future would be free of such dealings. Before leaving for Treahn though, he decided he'd pay his sister a visit.

He had only seen her once since leaving her behind with a drunken father for a life of crime many years ago, but she had made it quite clear she wanted nothing to do with him. She was already a widow, having lost her husband in the conflict with the Witches, and now it was up to her to provide for the twins. Though he knew he'd never get to know the little family, he felt a strong obligation to help his sister and nieces.

He set the sack on the ground a moment, and opened it, pulling out another of the uncut rubies. He stared at it a short while, rubbing it against his palm. He smiled, and replaced it within the bag, sealing it once more by tugging on the strings.His life was full of selfish decisions, but tonight, he was going to be generous with his reward, and leave his sister a little something to ease her worries.

~

Queen Amilia walked down the empty halls of the Castle, on her way to pay a visit to her most loyal and trusted subject, Arashi. The hour was late, and she didn't usually seek out the Ninja, but tonight was different. She could not allow that shady rogue to leave - so long as he knew the secrets and the true identity of the young woman he had brought to her, he was a threat.

The hour was late, but she knew that Arashi was always ready to perform new duties. She knocked on his door quietly, and within just a few seconds it was opened. The masked man noticing it was his Queen standing before him, stepped out of the way and the Queen entered, shutting the door behind her. He didn't seem surprised in the slightest at her presence at such a late hour, and he stood silently while she gathered her thoughts.

"There is something you must do for me, Arashi," She said, less composed than she had hoped. Arashi did not react to her nervous tone.
"I want you to kill a man."

Arashi knelt before his Queen, showing her that he was more than willing. "You need only tell me his name. I will eliminate him."

"I can give you more information than that, Arashi. I can tell you where he is now."

Arashi, who's face had been bent low out of respect for his Queen, was lifted at the Queen's words. He remained silent as the Queen informed him of the whereabouts of this man, and what he was carrying with him. Even though there were many questions burning within the back of his mind, he remained silent, knowing full well that whatever reason the Queen wanted this man dead would remain a secret she'd take to the grave.

~

He stopped a moment, placing the sack on the ground and sitting on an old stump. A sack of coins and gems was much heavier than he had realized. He wiped the sweat from his brow, and let out a heavy sigh. In the distance he could see the illuminated city, the jewel of Minervas - Arlessia. It wouldn't be long before he would be within the walls of the city, and he'd only be there a moment before he could leave behind his old life and start anew. His dream of solitude and peace would finally be coming true.

For the entirety of his journey through the forest so far, all he had heard were the chiming of the crickets, and an owl whose home was nearby. But suddenly, he heard more than that. A twig had snapped. He nervously whirled around, and scanned the forest, but within the canopy of the leaves it was too dark for him to see anything. After a few moments of nothing more than crickets and the owl, he chuckled at himself. "Probably just a stupid animal," he muttered, before turning back to his front.

"Wrong. Queen Amilia sends her regards."

Before he could do anything, the jade daggers of the Ninja were buried in the flesh of his neck, and a main artery was severed. Blood spattered everywhere, and the Ninja pulled his daggers away, revealing the glistening of the crimson liquid emerging from the gaping wound.

The man fell off the stump, and onto the cool soil and grass of the forest. It was only a matter of seconds until his life faded away.
 
the first story had slight change of tone for the protagonist halfway through- at first i was imagining a man agonized and pained with a fate that he hated, but then he suddenly became this smug s.o.b. that simply seemed to not care. The pace was very fast and maybe a bit jerky- describing the person took a while, but then sorta rushed forward with the story. Also, i wouldn't think the guards would laugh- i would think they would say those things with hate in their eyes, wanting to spit in Gille's face.

Transform was written by someone at least 20 years old, and the writing style DID NOT match that. It was written in the way in which the girl at that time would have thought of it. I mean, if it was actually written at that time, this journal entry or something, it would make a bit mmore sense and the style would seem precocious but not out of place. Seeing as it was not... yeah, it's not the perfect thing. The werewolf seemed like a nice way to end the story, but it feels like it should have been extended a bit more. (actually both pieces feel like they should be extended a bit more beyond simple lines and descriptions)

And technically these are flash fictions, not short stories. :biggrin:
 
Yeah, you're right. I guess I didn't really notice it so much at the time, but re-reading them I can definitely see what you're talking about. These first two short stories were my favorites, and I have thought about revisiting them. I'll see what I can do about fixing them so that the tones aren't suddenly forced in another direction, and that the Transform story fits better with the perspective of a twenty (+) year old woman. :)

I'd definitely like to elaborate on both of the stories at some point as well, particularly Gilles' story. These stories didn't exceed two pages, but my friend and I had set a limit upon ourselves, so I was trying to keep them short and sweet, but I think it did less good than we had hoped for.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read my "flash fictions" (I've never heard someone use that before :O ) and for posting some criticism! That's EXACTLY why I posted these here, and it is extremely helpful. I'll see what I can do about fixing them up! Thanks again :)

I also noticed a couple typos that I missed when I previously scanned over and edited them, I'm going to fix those now.

~ Talise

EDIT: Fixed the typos, and posted three more stories: DRAMA, MATE, and PRECAUTION. Hope you enjoy them! Again, any constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for your time!
 
it felt as if the precaution story was the most developed of all the ones you've put up so far. There's certainly a built up world of intrigue, magic, and mysterious and crap, but even as it's there, there's a central point and plot to it. The others, namely the ones that dealt with churches, seems to say that they were there, and was super important and stuff, but never actually explained- like a small confined space that says there's more stuff, important stuff, but you're not allowed to know it. Precaution says the stuff is there, but the story you're seeing is more important.

I'm sure the fictional world(s) that you're building are cool and all, but the sudden appearance of the ninja and japanese names surprised me. There was little contact enough between the west and the orient (particularly ninjas), so the name arashi was particularly strange among stuff like Emilia, and in tandem with some of the other shorts, off putting. Made it feel a bit fan-fictionish.

Idk why, but adding emotion and revelations of arashi's thoughts made it feel like that church thing a bit. meh. Something like observations of his eyes as still and determined, unquestioning and etc. might have worked better, as he would have seemed a mystery, intriguing, something forbidden to know but in a good way. With what you've done, I want to know his story, but seeing as it's a short i'm disappointed im unable to.




Er anywyas for the dragon age "mate" one, i've been playing the game for a while, and strangely enough i'm right at the orzammar part, but not deep enough to get to whereever that was yet. hahaha ironic.
Anyways, the general tone of the passage felt very correct to its writer. Maybe it's cause i read that it was a female writer in the first line, and im subconsciously imprinting it, but the passage certainly felt more feminine, subtle, and in no bad or majorly influencing way.
I think some parts were a bit too much and easy to recognize that this was written by an author (ie you)- things like where the writer describes the panting breath of the party, maybe one or two other parts. I would think such a seriously written diary would be descriptive, but still straight to the point (I mean, you're on the brink of life or death and you just saw an unimaginable tree of disgusting flesh, i don't think you would be too concerned with how hard you were breathing)
Other than that, not too many problems, just probably more enjoyable to anyone who'd finish that part of DA:O



Drama felt a bit dramatic, and i had some minor "eh" issues. Like, "and it crashed against an end table, knocking a vase off and shattering it upon the tiled floor." Did it need to describe the tiled floor? Things like this popped up here and there. Some parts could have been changed slightly, and kept its original meaning while offering a deeper layer of whatever shit/meaning, like "He was unbothered by her sudden presence." to "He seemed unbothered by her sudden presence". Unless you intended it like that or other shit, idk
and, idk, this entire short wasn't as interesting as the rest. Okay, sure, framed people, husband won't help, blah blah blah... There's drama, but it feels like nothing but life, you know? I'm not too attached to Dahlia, there just isn't enough there to make me care too much about here, or more importantly, to sympathize with her troubles. Her sister's her whole world? What about her husband (why'd she marry him), her parents (wtf happened?), her friends? meh. I'm an uncaring SOB anyways so that's probably why.


And there's no point in writing a short story just to write a short story. If you're trying to make a short story, then get an idea, and then write as much as needed to fulfill that idea, why put limits upon yourself? unless there's some writing competition or something, that's when shit gets real.



EDIT: hahahaha i totally missed that point in the first point about gille being a companion of jehanne d'arc. interesting.
 
Precaution actually takes place in a setting that I've been working on for a couple years, and the characters have been fleshed out for awhile. The truth is, this is a glimpse into the "shady rogue's" story, but I had wanted to convey some of Amilia and Arashi's emotions as well. Amilia and Arashi are two very important characters at a certain point in the timeline, and I plan on going into more depth with their stories at a later date. As it were, "Precaution", the main focus point of this latest short story, fit in well with this aspect. Amilia thought that "shady rogue" would be a threat at a later date, and thus took the precaution of having him removed, so she would not have to worry about him anymore.

Actually, I realize I didn't go into detail about this, but Ninjas in Minervas are extremely rare. I apologize for not making this clear in the short story. I don't want to spoil anything for the future story involving Arashi and Amilia, but there is a distinct reason of how he came to be there, and why he still remains there in the service of Queen Amilia.

You didn't mention it, but I was worried that not naming the "shady rogue" would make the story a bit confusing, but since it wasn't mentioned (or at least I didn't notice it), I hope I'm safe in assuming it can be read and understood without him having one. Thank goodness. :)

As for "Mate", I actually started over twice before I was satisfied with how it came out, and I use the term very loosely. Satisfaction to me is rarely achieved, because I tend to be a perfectionist. I can say honestly that I am not 100% satisfied with any of these, and that's why they've been posted - I want someone to nitpick and rip it to shreds (in a constructive manner of course) so that I can actually polish it over more.

I hadn't played Dragon Age: Origins in a few weeks (my computer is acting up), so I had to look up a great deal of it. I hope all of the information there is completely accurate, but there may be some instances where I took some creative liberties. And yeah, I probably overdid it with some of the descriptions, but in a sense I think that some of it is justified. She is the daughter of a Noble, and has been taught history, literature, religion (the Chantry), and how to fight and defend herself - in a way I can kind of see her being very aware of all the little details - maybe even in an obsessive manner, though again, you are right, there are some things even she would spare from the pages of her diary. Of course, we all have a perception of the character we are role-playing with. :)

Honestly, "Drama" was meant to be a parody of sorts. I don't really want to go into more detail, but I decided to try to salvage it and make it less... "goofy". And no, I don't think it's that you are an uncaring SOB, I know that a great deal of details were left unsaid, and that's my fault. I had a preconceived notion of Dahlia, and her husband, and my attempts to make things clear utterly failed. This was actually brought to my attention before, and I hadn't had the time to fix all of it as of yet.

As I said, Sinmora and I are doing these to practice our writing skills (though you're right, we shouldn't write just for the sake of writing - we should come up with a valid story and thriving world, vivid characters, etc.) and so we swap the stories amongst ourselves when we've finished. He had a lot of questions for me, especially about Dahlia's sister being framed. "How does her husband feel about that? Why doesn't he see it?" along with a whole slew of other questions.

Sinmora and I aren't doing these for the sake of competition - in fact, he wouldn't even need to do it, he writes more often than I do. But that's exactly the point... I haven't written very much as of late, and so after he had asked for us to collaborate, I suggested we do the short stories based on a random word. He agreed, and I think he's did so to help reawaken my inner writer, but perhaps he's just doing it for fun.

I think these stories have a lot of potential in terms of revisiting them and elaborating - refining, them into a better, detailed full-fledged story. And now with your constructive criticism, I can now go back and fix what needs fixing, and possibly do just that.

Thanks again for reading my work, it means a lot to me.

And anyone else who reads these - don't hesitate to leave some comments! I know they are rather short, but I am CERTAIN there are more areas ripe for the picking that could use some changing, and criticism. I know I am by no means a great writer, so again, please don't hesitate to point out anything that you think could use some work.

Thanks for your time~
 
Talise":2i982h98 said:
You didn't mention it, but I was worried that not naming the "shady rogue" would make the story a bit confusing, but since it wasn't mentioned (or at least I didn't notice it), I hope I'm safe in assuming it can be read and understood without him having one. Thank goodness. :)

hahaha oh shit i forgot to mention, that first line confused me. There was queen emilia looking at the princess.... and then suddenly "he." that's the part that really sticks out.
and seeing as it's halfway forshadowed that he was gonna be, you know, anyways, his name might not have been as important as others.

try your best, and if you don't like it, redo, until you like it, or willpower runs out. Rarely can opinion consider something perfect.

ha and anywyas, doing writing excercises are all fine (dammit that's what i should be doing :\), but remember that your characters and worlds are more than just for your story. The way you portray them will have to make the reader focused on the characters as just that, but even after the story ends, the lives go on. That's why don't just craft a character just to fill in some archetype/hole of the story, that's how you start off- then you sorta think who they are, what their life was, create a character not placeholder, and then cut out the unnecessary parts and then place what is needed for your story, but keep in mind that, for them, it's their life.
At least, that's how i do it.

I think i'm ranting just to say shit because i don't like short answers in lit analysis, but anywyas, coolios.
 

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