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Herat, War of Moon and Star

This is an excerpt from the book I have been working on for the past few years, I will not post anything past the first chapter and for now, I am only posting the beginning statement by the character in my story who wrote the book. The premise behind this piece is that Volos is the moon, and he had a hand in creating the planet Herat. He wrote the collective story of the War of Moon and Star to explain to us what happened. Being that he could not help his children fight, he gave them powers and he wrote what he saw. Ever vigilant, he missed little and spared less. This is what is to come before the first chapter or even the dedication. As it was written by Volos, it had to be later translated by his son, Wolfgang.

The War of Moon and Star

Written By
Volos

Translated By
his son
Wolfgang



I hereby swear that these accounts are true and not fabricated for your enjoyment, entertainment, or pleasure. I cannot promise a safe end to this tale, as I will not change the words to protect you. You may not understand, but there is no right or wrong, only what is written. The blade of vengeance and the pen of truth are not very different, but are very far apart. Yet I write not in blood, or I would never stop. And I write not in tears, or you would never read. I write with words, and they are fair. Only you can give them power. Do not tell me of sorrow, as mine is endless. Tears of laughter and pain await, but I need not tell you of life… or death. They are as familiar to you as your parent’s faces. To me, the faces of my slaughtered children. One torn, the other broken. Or have you already forgotten? It matters not whether you remember, as that is not your part. I have written and you have chosen to read. Nothing I can say will prepare you. I will expose the lies you have grown to believe and trust. Do not mistake this as kindness. It was never my intent. It very well may be that these writings may bring you joy. If this comes to pass, forgive me. Fragile is the heart that hopes, and cold the one that cannot. You ask for the tale and I give you truth. What else can there be? I will not shield you if you turn this page. Too much as remained hidden from your eyes. The sun blinds many who have refused to face it for so long. Blood is not enough, day must turn to night. This is not a history, as they are fabricated to suit the powerful. This is not a book, as they are limited by what their covers can hold. This is a tale, one of many, a part of all that has happened. The part that you need to know, for now. More will be told as you are ready. Bear this in mind, the truth is not fair. It cares little for the whims of reader or writer. I have done nothing more then to present this uncaring truth. I did not have to write this, but I did so for you. So that you may read. That you may know. And that you may, just may, understand.


My most sincere apologies and all my blessings.

-Volos

EDIT :: I just had a chance to actuallty read over this intro I wrote and I realized that it is nowhere near finished. My Thanks to the Surmuck for his critique of my work. It was much needed. (My girlfriend isn't too keen on telling me what needs work in my stuff. She goes way too soft on me and my english professor doesn't want to hear about my novel) I'm going to be making this less repetive and adding alot more forshadowing, just to make it more interesting and more relevant. I might post the first chapter of my book when I've had it edited for the seventh time.

Finished the Editing process, here is the result :

The War of Moon and Star

Written By
Volos

Translated By
his son
Wolfgang


I hereby swear that these accounts are true and not fabricated for your entertainment. I cannot promise a safe end to this tale, as I will not change the words to protect you. If I could change the past, these words would not have to be written or read. You may not understand, but there is no right or wrong, only what is written. Tears of laughter and pain await, but I need not tell you of life... or death. They are familiar to you as your parent's faces. To me, the faces of my slaughtered children. One torn, the other broken. Or have you already forgotten? It matters not whether you remember, as that is not your part. I have written and you have chosen to read. I will expose the lies you have grown to believe and trust. Do not mistake this as kindness, it was never my intent. You will not want to hear what I have to say. There is no hatred, no sins, no lies; but only because there is no love, no justice, no truth. It very well may be that parts of this tale brings you joy. If this comes to pass, forgive me. I did not have to write this, but I did so for you. So that you may understand without being blinded by the light.

My most sincere apologies and all my blessings.

-Volos


( Probably still needs some cleaning up, but this as far as I could take it for now)
 
Generally, and shockingly - this is somewhat solid.

My complaint? Your overly repetitive, and it seems that you just had to drag that out just as long as you possibly could. Annoyingly so. I get the point, what your saying is the truth - what your saying isn't exactly for my benefit, it's just the truth. Drop saying it 100 different ways, and this will pass. Your general storyline seems alright, but just keep in mind that your going to seem very pretentious if you have a large portion of your book written in the same style as this piece was. Tips? Write on a level you can handle, avoid showing off for the sake of showing off - because I can tell those are going to be your primary issues.
 
Gods tend to be repetive when they say things, as they tend to think we mortals are not listening. I'll cut back on the repetiveness and add a few more refrences to the events that will come to pass without sounding "prophesy time" about it. This is only the hook with which I catch the fish, the rest of the line coming to that end... is much more solid. Otherwise I'd be out a few fish.
 
Maybe so, but in a book - you don't get to explain that to me personally, and the fact that I didn't recognize it by myself as a reader means you didn't get your point across.
 
I'm sure that you and all of my other furture editors / reviewers are going to see that as a bit of a problem. Since I haven't given you anything past this WIP version of my introductory statement by the fictional author of the book, there may be a reason why it is hard to understand. I will work on it and once I think I have fixed what you have suggested, I will repost it. Leaving the original so that you can compare the two. If I don't sound thankful, forgive me. I don't like being told what I did wrong at first, but I get used to it and get back to work fairly quickly. Shouldn't take more then a few days.
 
( Finished current editing of intro, still needs to be shortened, but this as far as I can take it for now. Perhaps people could help me with getting rid of the repetitive parts? )
 

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