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Help me Improve my character (Seta matsuda)

So i am working on a project with a team. I want this game to be the best it can be. Then today, i see this place and I'm like, "DUH go to concept development!"

So here I am, asking you to help me with my characters.

The first one:

Seta Matsuda
scan0001-3.jpg
Ethnicity: Japanese
Weapon: Handgun
Age: 16
Gender: Male

VAGUE Summary:

Seta Matsuda is a 16 year old prodigy who was born and raised in Japan. He is in the SPU of the Japanese army. He was given a week's leave from the war with Vietnam.He decided to go to America to see the sights and enjoy it's features. He goes to the airport, after visiting his mother and father. He just planned to relax and have a good time. Little did he know, that a suitcase mix-up would lead to the uncovering of a massive secret of which the world has never known.


Juicy info:
Seta Matsuda may LOOK 16, but he isn't. He's actually older, but I've yet to finalize the age, due to time line consistency issues. It'll be fixed soon.

Now why is he older?

Seta Matsuda was a very sickly child when he was born. He had inherited a recessive gene that made him vulnerable to this sickness. He is about to die when his father gives him an antidote. (I'm hoping for that to take an extreme sacrifice like, his sister, who might have a counteracting agent in her body).
This saddens the family and Seta's father makes him feel guilty by making up a story about the antidote. (The story will be about like traveling the world to find the ingredient, instead of the sister one.) Seta feels like he owes his life (he kinda does anyway) to his father. The father asks him to take part in an experiment. Seta eagerly agrees, as he wants to prove his worth to his father. The experiment occurs, but then the gene within Seta's body is mutated and Seta is transformed into a monster. He breaks free and goes on a rampage in Tokyo. During his rampage he encounters Jasmine Willow as a child. Jasmine Willow is another of the main playable characters. Seta scratches her face on her right side, but his dead skin cells affect the blood rushing out, causing it to clot up very quickly. Seta then is captured and is put in a cell. A month later he returns to normal. well, almost normal. See, when he reached the age of sixteen, his body stopped growing physically. So now he is older than he looks. Also, he does not remember the incident with his transformation.

That's his history anyway. The way it is revealed will be discussed in another topic.

So yea He's kinda reserved about himself, but doesn't mind in delving into other people's stories. He's very cunning and intelligent, being in the army's SPU. He is able to commandeer and control many vehicles. He is skilled with the gun and can use a wide variety of them.

Uh...in the events of the game, he finds out that he had a sister and that he is the reason she no longer exists. He confronts his father later on and finds out his father used him to further his own experiments. His father sprays him with a chemical and Seta transforms. However, this time he attacks his father and kills him. His mother witnesses it and runs away. Seta of course is deeply affected by this. He has to recover *(the story progresses)* and then he puts things to rest by talking with his mother and then going after the true threat and cause of all of the madness, a sentient being that watches over mankind protecting it from the harsh nature of not having a "mask". (This will be explained in another concept topic.)

The gene is the kind that renders him defenseless against diseases. Then, he contracts one that slowly destroys muscle mass, makes bones fragile, and basically makes the body act as if it were the body of an older person. That way, the immune system is weak, but that is not all that is the matter. Because of the weakening of his muscles, his heart, being a muscle itself, becomes weaker, lessining his heart beat rate, slowly shutting his body down.

So very true, and yet I laughed when I read this. Well, I think I have a way to fix the problem. How about this?

What if when Seta is transformed into a "monster", in his rampage, he maims his sister? Like she runs to him and tries to calm him down, but it doesn't go well and he flings her to the side and she hits a street light with her head? Then she's in a coma and no one is sure when she will come out of it, if she ever does (she never will).

During his rampage his father is also there and he witnesses the event.

Now why is he there? Where's the military in all this? What about regular civilians?

These are holes you forgot to mention. Well, they're not really holes since I already had answers for them. I'm gonna say them here and now.

Remember, there is a huge secret Seta and others uncover. That is a secret organization. This organization shapes the mind of society through radio, television, basically all communicating devices. They have been around for a LONG time. This means that they also spread thoughout the world. From the start they started controlling the way things were. For example, we walk down the street sometimes not even looking into each others eyes. We all are together, but we don't FEEL together. We all have a rubric of behaviour to follow passed down from generation to generation. We develop persona and become fake, not our true selves. That is why this game is called Mask. Because we all have our own "masks" in society, not being able to be our true selves by fear of persecution and isolation. The problem is that we are isolated being "normal" anyway. This game asks whether or not taking off those masks would benefit society more than hinder it.

Now this Organization...why are they there? They Protect humanity from reality, basically, they ensure that those masks stay on. Their leader is actually the sentient being I mentioned. It communicates through the human that is supposedly the leader.

Now, Seta's father is part of the company that is under direct control of the Organization. Therefore, he works for them. He's not your model father. He only cares about his research. Seta was worth more to him than is daughter anyway. Simply because after the antidote was found and the gene was supressed, Seta grew stronger quickly and became more healthy...basically a better test subject.

Even his wife knows that she lost him to science. Though she tries to ignore it and pretend that everything is alright between them.

So anyway, he's there with the military (also controlled by the Org...you get the point) and they capture him. Now about the civilians. The Org built these devices called Freezers. They envelop the area with a blue field that stops actual time flow within it. Inside, the civilians are stuck in mid-whatever and they don't notice the big cannons and the "monster" having at it.
Now, how are the military and Seta's Father and sister, and seta himself able to move? The Org has to have something to counter act the Freezer's effects...and they do. It's a badge that protects them from it's effects. Seta's father gives one to his daughter. HE wants her to get out of the way, but of course she doesn't. Now for Seta, that's just one of his abilities as a "monster". Why?

"Monsters" are really results from experiments the Org has going in places similar to Area 51. They take people and animals and experiment on them. These facilities are located all over the world. The "monsters" have a natural resistance to the effects of the Freezers.

There. Now, why are they making monsters? The Org wants a team of super soldiers and are experimenting to find out how they can transform people while having them understand instructions. Basically a "monster" army.

Also, about property that may be destroyed, there is a function called the reverser that can undo damage to non-living materials. The Org has not figured out how to do so for living things. This brings us to Jasmine Willow. Now, she has quite the past herself, ut this is when she was young. She was one of the civilians and got scratched by Seta.
Now this is the iffy part. Maybe if seta was hit by one of the guns and he was bleeding, some of his blood would be mixed with Jasmine's. They (blood cells) reproduce at a fast rate, clotting up the open wound. That would help explain it. Seta heals fast, but not instantaneously. So that's how Jasmine heals. However, a HUGE scar is left on the right side of her face.

Now if a person gets hurt or killed within the field...the medics either help or the organization is gonna have to make up a story, XD.

So, afterwards, instead of the stupid ingredient story, Seta's father makes up the story that they were in a car accident. Now remember, after Seta is back to normal, he doesn't rember the events that transpired.

So i changed the story to the car accident causing the sister to go into a coma. So his father saved him. This causes him to trust his father with his life since he helped give it, and gave it back to him when he was about to lose it from the sickness. Now, His dad want's him to do the experiment because he sees him as a good test subject. Why did he save him? His mother wanted to save him, but the father saw him as worthless, not being a good test subject. Nevertheless, she convinced him to save the son.

So he trusted his father and decided to go through with the experiment. His mother protested, but he insisted (Seta).

Yes, the experiment to turn Seta into a super soldier. You know why he's involved now.
The gene's functionality to repress Seta (weak immune system) was reversed as a result, causing him to become stronger and more tougher.

Ok, so after the transformation affected his body so that he does not grow anymore at the age of 16. And no, he's not looking for a way to return to the regular aging process. He will encounter it at the end of the game, though.

He's not too talkative, but he would tell the girl the directions and before she could say thanks, he'd be on his way already. He can come off rude even if he doesn't mean to be.
He keeps to himself mostly unless he finds something interesting, like a person's story (delving into peoples stories). He is also very good at catching people when they lie. I hope that helps a bit.

Hmmm...ok, at school he was picked on, but he was passive aggressive. He always did well in school. That's one of the reasons he was picked on...that and because he was so weak. His mother treated him with love while his father demanded respect. His father never really payed that much attention to him. That's also why he wanted to do the experiment...so that he could get his father's attention. He was sickly until the age of 7. Then he agreed to the experiment at the age of 10. He had friends though. The most important ones are reoccruing characters in teh game. They are Kai Morenai and Mao Getsuya. They would always hang out. Seta was still a bit reserved, even with his closest friends. They would always be playing guns with sticks together. At age 11, Kai moved away. When they were 14 Mao became infatuated with Seta, but he refused her. She ran away from him that day and they hung out less afterwards. When Seta joins the army he is reunited with Kai and Mao. They hang out and are all put in the SPU. Seta stayed the same while the others grew older. The military told them not to mention this to anyone.

So, yea the dad's a scientist that only cares about his work. He sprays him to show him the truth when Seta and the others confront him about his connection to the Org later in the game. He did not do the experiment to save his life. the spray was only a small dosage. It wouldn't nearly cause Seta to stay transformed that long like in the other experiment where a larger dosage was dealt. Now you know why he was near him. his mother was there on a visit, saw him kill his father and ran away as he looked at her.

This is also the time he finds out that he caused his sister to be the way she is.

She did not know what happened to Seta when he transformed. So it is all a big shock to her. She knew his dad loved his work, but not what the work fully entailed. She was never involved. They were not concerned about he safety as only the chemical could trigger the transformation and there wasn't an abundance of it. Seta will want revenge on the Org, therefore further motivating him to destroy them. The Being is there to "protect" humankind from themselves. But is really is a sort of slavery as we are not able to truly be ourselves.

The wife wasn't there when the events took place. I like the stumbling upon the badge idea. To better explain how she gets attacked:

She notices that everyone has stopped moving and hears the loud noises of the commotion. She turns the corner and encounters Seta in his transformed form. He notices her and attacks her.

The Org is trying to control all of the world. There are some places that even their power doesn't reach. Places are mostly "third world" countries. Places in Africa, Vietnam, etc. That's why there is a war between Japan and Vietnam. Since in the past, America
helped Japan after the atomic bombings, the Org was able to infiltrate it and station itself there. Now it's trying to get to Vietnam. The Org could help the countries, but in exchange they must be allowed to take over.

I don't think the mother would've been enough to convince him, maybe he stumbled upon the cure and became curious about that rather than saving his son, surely something that turns someone who's seriously weak into someone seriously strong would be along the lines of what he's searching for? There must be a lot more weak people in the world than there are strong, so having something to tip the scales would be like stumbling on a gold mine, that still has gold.

Yeah, I like this way better.

Yes, he is very observant of people. He never fit in with his class, because they always hated him for being the best out of all of them. So he always had to watch his back. This made him able to read people's actions and reactions.

This: "And he was always open to other peoples stories because they were so different from his own, other people had their family as a unit whilst he had his father enveloped in his research, mother pretending nothing was wrong, sister stuck in a coma and himself trying to see where he fits in." This is what i want for him. He is closer to his mother than father, but wants his father to notice him. He feels like he hardly fit's in anywhere (like Ken, a villain that I will post about later). Because his father neglected him so much, he wants to do what ever he can to get his attention.

Also: "If you have the events that shape his life then you can better shape his character, so if you say he had three friends then you can also say he was a very trusting person for those he did open up too and that he felt his close friends were more of a family than his family was."

I neglected that part. Seta should feel closer to them because he was able to open up to them more than anyone else (at that time, since he will have a new family, Jasmine and Harold.) Oh and it's just Kai and Mao who are his closest friends.

How about him liking sudoku and being a Buddhist? I'm sure we can say that his motivation is that he feels closer to peace when he prays. Since he's not really able to fit in, he searches within for peace. Plus this could be used to further contrast him and his father, as his father is a man of science and believes in it solely.

The sudoku shows off his intelligence.

Yeah, that's true. How about the Military makes an excuse for him? Only one I can think of is him consuming a chemical that supposedly caused his body not to age. But then again this seems bogus because then MANY people would want that...unless it was a prototype.
It would be a nice twist for him to reveal it some part into the game.


That's exactly what I'm planning, :wink:

I'm gonna put a full body picture of him in the art analysis part to see how his design can be better made.

I want the characters to be from all over the world. I also want to bring up issues of race, spirituality/religion, and issues/behaviors of society.

So, come on! Let's see some good criticism on Seta! I want this game to be the best it can be!

Sondex
 
Well I'm not sure what kinda c&c you're looking for but I have no idea how to reply, do you wanna know if his backstory makes sense? If his character is developed enough? To me it all seems a bit silly, a recessive gene that makes him sickly, how so? Does it give him a bad immune system? Weak body? Weak mind? Why would a father sacrifice a perfectly fine daughter for a son that's not even dying (I doubt being sickly is a good enough reason to die at a young age, elaborate please!) or but just gets colds more often than the other kids, very silly. I'm not even sure how gene therapy works but if it requires a father to mince his daughter in a blender and feed her to the son then it's not something which many scientists would be looking into let alone a father who wants to cure his son.

"This saddens the family" a father sacrificing his daughter to save his dying son does more than sadden a family, surely? And if she has a counteracting agent in her body then surely they could just remove it from her using some kind of safe surgery, I dunno maybe taking her kidney and swapping it with one of his? There must've been a way to do it safely, if she really has to die then surely there are better ways.

"Seta eagerly agrees, as he wants to prove his worth to his father" Would he really feel so bad about his dad going on some quest (This quests sounds very medieval RPG like) to find some ingredient so he can make him better? We all owe out life to our parents, we wouldn't be here otherwise, surely saving your sick child is something any parent would do, why does it have such a strong effect on Seta? If there's no reason then surely it shouldn't be there. Why would this father ask his son to do an experiment anyhow? Surely going fishing or something is a better way to bond? And what kind of fucked up father is this, first killing his daughter to save his son then risking the life of said son in an experiment? Is he really just a normal dad if not elaborate so we can understand better.

"The experiment occurs, but then the gene within Seta's body is mutated and Seta is transformed into a monster" What? What kind of experiment was this? Why was Seta's Dad involved? Why did he use his son as a guinea pig if there's a chance of this happening? If there's not a chance of this happening then why did it happen? Is Seta special?

"Seta scratches her face on her right side, but his dead skin cells affect the blood rushing out, causing it to clot up very quickly" I don't think I've heard bigger scientific bs in my life, what kind of monster is Seta? I wanna know how he managed to only cut her on her face and to magically heal it in the same time, did his dead skin cells have a healing effect on her face or was it her own power reacting with his dead skin cells?

Why did his body stop growing at 16, was it because he transformed into a "monster"(very vague term) or was it something to do with his sisters genes that he ate ages ago or maybe his dad did more experiments after? Was he trying to work out how to stop aging or something?

From what you've written I really can't get a hold on his character, he's in the army, he's not 16, he's cunning and intelligent, reserved and doesn't mind delving into other peoples stories but I can't think of how he would interact with a girl who asked him for directions to a supermarket. I think you need to flesh him out a lot more, the history is very hard to believe because you lack details and didn't delve into how he grew up enough, if I don't know how he was at school, how well he did academically, who he made friends with if at all, how his parents treated him, what hobbies he had then I can't really judge if the character you're presenting now is believble without more info.

About the events in the story, more detail again, as it is seems a bit extreme, his dad is really a mad scientist, why would he randomly spray him instead of telling him it was the only way to save him and letting him be emo over it for a while? Why would he spray him so that he transforms when he and his wife are the only people nearby enough to be killed by him should he be in the mood? Surely that is the stupidest thing the guy who made him like that could do? How did the mother witness it and get away, last time he transformed he stayed like that for a month, surely he would've stayed like that for a similar length of time and would've eaten his mum or whatever too, surely?

This: "he puts things to rest by talking with his mother and then going after the true threat and cause of all of the madness, a sentient being that watches over mankind protecting it from the harsh nature of not having a "mask"." I cannot even begin to understand, why is his mother not freaked out by one, him turning into a monster and two his father being the one to turn him into it? Did she know what was going on or not? Did she know her father was a mad scientist? Did she agree with anything he did whether she knew he was a mad scientist or not? Was his dad involved in a company (there has to be a company), if so when he died the same way that people did when Seta last went on a rampage weren't they in the least bit concerned for public safety or their own? What if Seta wanted revenge for them making him kill his father or for making him into a monster? Where the hell did this sentient being come from, surely if he's watching over mankind he has better things to do than destroy one father son relationship by messing around with genes?

More info please? If you don't have it then you really should work on the character a lot more, he's very unstable.
 
Hmmm....those are some pretty good points. Please work with me here as I try and adapt the concept as well as answer your questions. I want to bounce ideas back and forth and figure out the best thing for Seta. I will credit you for this as well for helping with my game's concept.

And yes, I want this kind of critique. This is exactly what I'm looking for.

To me it all seems a bit silly

Yes now that you've examined it, it does seem very unlikely.

To me it all seems a bit silly, a recessive gene that makes him sickly, how so?Does it give him a bad immune system? Weak body? Weak mind?

How about this? The gene is the kind that renders him defenseless against diseases. Then, he contracts one that slowly destroys muscle mass, makes bones fragile, and basically makes the body act as if it were the body of an older person. That way, the immune system is weak, but that is not all that is the matter. Because of the weakening of his muscles, his heart, being a muscle itself, becomes weaker, lessining his heart beat rate, slowly shutting his body down.

I'm not even sure how gene therapy works but if it requires a father to mince his daughter in a blender and feed her to the son then it's not something which many scientists would be looking into let alone a father who wants to cure his son.

"This saddens the family" a father sacrificing his daughter to save his dying son does more than sadden a family, surely? And if she has a counteracting agent in her body then surely they could just remove it from her using some kind of safe surgery, I dunno maybe taking her kidney and swapping it with one of his? There must've been a way to do it safely, if she really has to die then surely there are better ways.

So very true, and yet I laughed when I read this. Well, I think I have a way to fix the problem. How about this?

What if when Seta is transformed into a "monster", in his rampage, he maims his sister? Like she runs to him and tries to calm him down, but it doesn't go well and he flings her to the side and she hits a street light with her head? Then she's in a coma and no one is sure when she will come out of it, if she ever does (she never will).

During his rampage his father is also there and he witnesses the event.

Now why is he there? Where's the military in all this? What about regular civilians?

These are holes you forgot to mention. Well, they're not really holes since I already had answers for them. I'm gonna say them here and now.

Remember, there is a huge secret Seta and others uncover. That is a secret organization. This organization shapes the mind of society through radio, television, basically all communicating devices. They have been around for a LONG time. This means that they also spread thoughout the world. From the start they started controlling the way things were. For example, we walk down the street sometimes not even looking into each others eyes. We all are together, but we don't FEEL together. We all have a rubric of behaviour to follow passed down from generation to generation. We develop persona and become fake, not our true selves. That is why this game is called Mask. Because we all have our own "masks" in society, not being able to be our true selves by fear of persecution and isolation. The problem is that we are isolated being "normal" anyway. This game asks whether or not taking off those masks would benefit society more than hinder it.

Now this Organization...why are they there? They Protect humanity from reality, basically, they ensure that those masks stay on. Their leader is actually the sentient being I mentioned. It communicates through the human that is supposedly the leader.

Now, Seta's father is part of the company that is under direct control of the Organization. Therefore, he works for them. He's not your model father. He only cares about his research. Seta was worth more to him than is daughter anyway. Simply because after the antidote was found and the gene was supressed, Seta grew stronger quickly and became more healthy...basically a better test subject.

Even his wife knows that she lost him to science. Though she tries to ignore it and pretend that everything is alright between them.

So anyway, he's there with the military (also controlled by the Org...you get the point) and they capture him. Now about the civilians. The Org built these devices called Freezers. They envelop the area with a blue field that stops actual time flow within it. Inside, the civilians are stuck in mid-whatever and they don't notice the big cannons and the "monster" having at it.
Now, how are the military and Seta's Father and sister, and seta himself able to move? The Org has to have something to counter act the Freezer's effects...and they do. It's a badge that protects them from it's effects. Seta's father gives one to his daughter. HE wants her to get out of the way, but of course she doesn't. Now for Seta, that's just one of his abilities as a "monster". Why?

"Monsters" are really results from experiments the Org has going in places similar to Area 51. They take people and animals and experiment on them. These facilities are located all over the world. The "monsters" have a natural resistance to the effects of the Freezers.

There. Now, why are they making monsters? The Org wants a team of super soldiers and are experimenting to find out how they can transform people while having them understand instructions. Basically a "monster" army.

Also, about property that may be destroyed, there is a function called the reverser that can undo damage to non-living materials. The Org has not figured out how to do so for living things. This brings us to Jasmine Willow. Now, she has quite the past herself, ut this is when she was young. She was one of the civilians and got scratched by Seta.
Now this is the iffy part. Maybe if seta was hit by one of the guns and he was bleeding, some of his blood would be mixed with Jasmine's. They (blood cells) reproduce at a fast rate, clotting up the open wound. That would help explain it. Seta heals fast, but not instantaneously. So that's how Jasmine heals. However, a HUGE scar is left on the right side of her face.

Now if a person gets hurt or killed within the field...the medics either help or the organization is gonna have to make up a story, XD.

So, afterwards, instead of the stupid ingredient story, Seta's father makes up the story that they were in a car accident. Now remember, after Seta is back to normal, he doesn't rember the events that transpired.

"Seta eagerly agrees, as he wants to prove his worth to his father" Would he really feel so bad about his dad going on some quest (This quests sounds very medieval RPG like) to find some ingredient so he can make him better? We all owe out life to our parents, we wouldn't be here otherwise, surely saving your sick child is something any parent would do, why does it have such a strong effect on Seta? If there's no reason then surely it shouldn't be there. Why would this father ask his son to do an experiment anyhow? Surely going fishing or something is a better way to bond? And what kind of fucked up father is this, first killing his daughter to save his son then risking the life of said son in an experiment? Is he really just a normal dad if not elaborate so we can understand better.

You are right about this. So i changed the story to the car accident causing the sister to go into a coma. So his father saved him. This causes him to trust his father with his life since he helped give it, and gave it back to him when he was about to lose it from the sickness. Now, His dad want's him to do the experiment because he sees him as a good test subject. Why did he save him? His mother wanted to save him, but the father saw him as worthless, not being a good test subject. Nevertheless, she convinced him to save the son.

So he trusted his father and decided to go through with the experiment. His mother protested, but he insisted (Seta).

"The experiment occurs, but then the gene within Seta's body is mutated and Seta is transformed into a monster" What? What kind of experiment was this? Why was Seta's Dad involved? Why did he use his son as a guinea pig if there's a chance of this happening? If there's not a chance of this happening then why did it happen? Is Seta special?

Yes, the experiment to turn Seta into a super soldier. You know why he's involved now.
The gene's functionality to repress Seta (weak immune system) was reversed as a result, causing him to become stronger and more tougher.

"Seta scratches her face on her right side, but his dead skin cells affect the blood rushing out, causing it to clot up very quickly" I don't think I've heard bigger scientific bs in my life, what kind of monster is Seta? I wanna know how he managed to only cut her on her face and to magically heal it in the same time, did his dead skin cells have a healing effect on her face or was it her own power reacting with his dead skin cells?

This made me laugh too. I've fully explained this above. Instead of the skin cells, it's the blood cells.

Why did his body stop growing at 16, was it because he transformed into a "monster"(very vague term) or was it something to do with his sisters genes that he ate ages ago or maybe his dad did more experiments after? Was he trying to work out how to stop aging or something?

Ok, so after the transformation affected his body so that he does not grow anymore at the age of 16. And no, he's not looking for a way to return to the regular aging process. He will encounter it at the end of the game, though.

From what you've written I really can't get a hold on his character, he's in the army, he's not 16, he's cunning and intelligent, reserved and doesn't mind delving into other peoples stories but I can't think of how he would interact with a girl who asked him for directions to a supermarket.

He's not too talkative, but he would tell the girl the directions and before she could say thanks, he'd be on his way already. He can come off rude even if he doesn't mean to be.
He keeps to himself mostly unless he finds something interesting, like a person's story (delving into peoples stories). He is also very good at catching people when they lie. I hope that helps a bit.

I think you need to flesh him out a lot more

Any suggestions?

I don't know how he was at school, how well he did academically, who he made friends with if at all, how his parents treated him, what hobbies he had then I can't really judge if the character you're presenting now is believble without more info.

Hmmm...ok, at school he was picked on, but he was passive aggressive. He always did well in school. That's one of the reasons he was picked on...that and because he was so weak. His mother treated him with love while his father demanded respect. His father never really payed that much attention to him. That's also why he wanted to do the experiment...so that he could get his father's attention. He was sickly until the age of 7. Then he agreed to the experiment at the age of 10. He had friends though. The most important ones are reoccruing characters in teh game. They are Kai Morenai and Mao Getsuya. They would always hang out. Seta was still a bit reserved, even with his closest friends. They would always be playing guns with sticks together. At age 11, Kai moved away. When they were 14 Mao became infatuated with Seta, but he refused her. She ran away from him that day and they hung out less afterwards. When Seta joins the army he is reunited with Kai and Mao. They hang out and are all put in the SPU. Seta stayed the same while the others grew older. The military told them not to mention this to anyone.

About the events in the story, more detail again, as it is seems a bit extreme, his dad is really a mad scientist, why would he randomly spray him instead of telling him it was the only way to save him and letting him be emo over it for a while? Why would he spray him so that he transforms when he and his wife are the only people nearby enough to be killed by him should he be in the mood? Surely that is the stupidest thing the guy who made him like that could do? How did the mother witness it and get away, last time he transformed he stayed like that for a month, surely he would've stayed like that for a similar length of time and would've eaten his mum or whatever too, surely?

So, yea the dad's a scientist that only cares about his work. He sprays him to show him the truth when Seta and the others confront him about his connection to the Org later in the game. He did not do the experiment to save his life. the spray was only a small dosage. It wouldn't nearly cause Seta to stay transformed that long like in the other experiment where a larger dosage was dealt. Now you know why he was near him. his mother was there on a visit, saw him kill his father and ran away as he looked at her.

This is also the time he finds out that he caused his sister to be the way she is.

This: "he puts things to rest by talking with his mother and then going after the true threat and cause of all of the madness, a sentient being that watches over mankind protecting it from the harsh nature of not having a "mask"." I cannot even begin to understand, why is his mother not freaked out by one, him turning into a monster and two his father being the one to turn him into it? Did she know what was going on or not? Did she know her father was a mad scientist? Did she agree with anything he did whether she knew he was a mad scientist or not? Was his dad involved in a company (there has to be a company), if so when he died the same way that people did when Seta last went on a rampage weren't they in the least bit concerned for public safety or their own? What if Seta wanted revenge for them making him kill his father or for making him into a monster? Where the hell did this sentient being come from, surely if he's watching over mankind he has better things to do than destroy one father son relationship by messing around with genes?

She did not know what happened to Seta when he transformed. So it is all a big shock to her. She knew his dad loved his work, but not what the work fully entailed. She was never involved. They were not concerned about he safety as only the chemical could trigger the transformation and there wasn't an abundance of it. Seta will want revenge on the Org, therefore further motivating him to destroy them. The Being is there to "protect" humankind from themselves. But is really is a sort of slavery as we are not able to truly be ourselves.

Thank you very much for your critique.
 
sondex":2d008jqi said:
Now, how are the military and Seta's Father and sister, and seta himself able to move? The Org has to have something to counter act the Freezer's effects...and they do. It's a badge that protects them from it's effects. Seta's father gives one to his daughter. HE wants her to get out of the way, but of course she doesn't. Now for Seta, that's just one of his abilities as a "monster". Why?

I don't think the father would be bother much about the daughter to give her a badge, his wife as well, surelky if he's finally getting to experiment on his son then he's gonna be completely enveloped in it, maybe you can have it so the daughter stumbles upon one looking through her fathers stuff earlier and goes to find her brother to talk about it? he gets turned into a monster, she sees everyone freeze and wtfs, gets attacked by him?

sondex":2d008jqi said:
"Monsters" are really results from experiments the Org has going in places similar to Area 51. They take people and animals and experiment on them. These facilities are located all over the world. The "monsters" have a natural resistance to the effects of the Freezers.

There. Now, why are they making monsters? The Org wants a team of super soldiers and are experimenting to find out how they can transform people while having them understand instructions. Basically a "monster" army.

A monster army, fair enough by why? If this organization wants to control people surely nuking a country or two isn't a problem? Super soldiers vs bombs and nukes, I think nukes win, one cos it's so much less hassle, they're already made and there's no chance of a response from Korea or Russia because you are Korea and Russia. If they're developing super soldiers I think you'll need a more solid reason, maybe so they can put in a new world order where instead of controlling htem through media they assign one super soldier to every 30 people and keep them under lock and key because without such control over people there will always be wrong doers. Something to think about.

sondex":2d008jqi said:
You are right about this. So i changed the story to the car accident causing the sister to go into a coma. So his father saved him. This causes him to trust his father with his life since he helped give it, and gave it back to him when he was about to lose it from the sickness. Now, His dad want's him to do the experiment because he sees him as a good test subject. Why did he save him? His mother wanted to save him, but the father saw him as worthless, not being a good test subject. Nevertheless, she convinced him to save the son.

I don't think the mother would've been enough to convince him, maybe he stumbled upon the cure and became curious about that rather than saving his son, surely something that turns someone who's seriously weak into someone seriously strong would be along the lines of what he's searching for? There must be a lot more weak people in the world than there are strong, so having something to tip the scales would be like stumbling on a gold mine, that still has gold.

sondex":2d008jqi said:
I think you need to flesh him out a lot more

Any suggestions?

It helped a bit but there's still a lot more to be explained, I mean explain why he si good at catching people when they lie like saying that because he was always observing people as a child because he never felt he'd fit in with the crowd he learned how to read people, when they're excited about something, lying, sad, being judgmental. And he was always open to other peoples stories because they were so different from his own, other people had their family as a unit whilst he had his father enveloped in his research, mother pretending nothing was wrong, sister stuck in a coma and himself trying to see where he fits in. If you have the events that shape his life then you can better shape his character, so if you say he had three friends then you can also say he was a very trusting person for those he did open up too and that he felt his close friends were more of a family than his family was. Also he was also a hard worker and applied himself because he wanted to be praised in the eyes of his father, this was why he enrolled in the military, learned all types of fighting and mastered firearms. You should link the events of his past to his behavior of his present, 'cause that's how we all are anyway.

sondex":2d008jqi said:
When Seta joins the army he is reunited with Kai and Mao. They hang out and are all put in the SPU. Seta stayed the same while the others grew older. The military told them not to mention this to anyone.

Not mention it to anyone? Surely his fellow soldiers would notice if he stays 16 forever, maybe you should have him wear a balaclava or hat so he's always got his face hidden and they don't notice he looks the same at 16 and 24. He can work out on his body to make it bigger but I doubt that people would be convinced of him growing older if his face was on show and always the same. It would be a nice twist for him to reveal it some part into the game.

Other than what i quoted I think the rest is fine, when you've really fleshed out the other characters why not look into revealing more about the others also, seeing as he's Japanese how has the culture over there affected his character, as it is he could be set anywhere in the world so if there's not a strong reason for it why Japan? This has more to do with this character though but if you were looking to go for a certain visual style or maybe there's a landmark that you were planning on using then that's fuine but from what I can see I don't see any effects of Japan on him. Adding he likes animé on the end wouldn't quite cut it either.
 
I don't think the father would be bother much about the daughter to give her a badge, his wife as well, surelky if he's finally getting to experiment on his son then he's gonna be completely enveloped in it, maybe you can have it so the daughter stumbles upon one looking through her fathers stuff earlier and goes to find her brother to talk about it? he gets turned into a monster, she sees everyone freeze and wtfs, gets attacked by him?

Heh, that's true. The wife wasn't there when the events took place. I like the stumbling upon the badge idea. To better explain how she gets attacked:

She notices that everyone has stopped moving and hears the loud noises of the commotion. She turns the corner and encounters Seta in his transformed form. He notices her and attacks her.

A monster army, fair enough by why? If this organization wants to control people surely nuking a country or two isn't a problem? Super soldiers vs bombs and nukes, I think nukes win, one cos it's so much less hassle, they're already made and there's no chance of a response from Korea or Russia because you are Korea and Russia. If they're developing super soldiers I think you'll need a more solid reason, maybe so they can put in a new world order where instead of controlling htem through media they assign one super soldier to every 30 people and keep them under lock and key because without such control over people there will always be wrong doers. Something to think about.

The Org is trying to control all of the world. There are some places that even their power doesn't reach. Places are mostly "third world" countries. Places in Africa, Vietnam, etc. That's why there is a war between Japan and Vietnam. Since in the past, America
helped Japan after the atomic bombings, the Org was able to infiltrate it and station itself there. Now it's trying to get to Vietnam. The Org could help the countries, but in exchange they must be allowed to take over.

I don't think the mother would've been enough to convince him, maybe he stumbled upon the cure and became curious about that rather than saving his son, surely something that turns someone who's seriously weak into someone seriously strong would be along the lines of what he's searching for? There must be a lot more weak people in the world than there are strong, so having something to tip the scales would be like stumbling on a gold mine, that still has gold.

Yeah, I like this way better.

I mean explain why he si good at catching people when they lie like saying that because he was always observing people as a child because he never felt he'd fit in with the crowd he learned how to read people, when they're excited about something, lying, sad, being judgmental. And he was always open to other peoples stories because they were so different from his own, other people had their family as a unit whilst he had his father enveloped in his research, mother pretending nothing was wrong, sister stuck in a coma and himself trying to see where he fits in. If you have the events that shape his life then you can better shape his character, so if you say he had three friends then you can also say he was a very trusting person for those he did open up too and that he felt his close friends were more of a family than his family was. Also he was also a hard worker and applied himself because he wanted to be praised in the eyes of his father, this was why he enrolled in the military, learned all types of fighting and mastered firearms. You should link the events of his past to his behavior of his present, 'cause that's how we all are anyway.

Yes, he is very observant of people. He never fit in with his class, because they always hated him for being the best out of all of them. So he always had to watch his back. This made him able to read people's actions and reactions.

This: "And he was always open to other peoples stories because they were so different from his own, other people had their family as a unit whilst he had his father enveloped in his research, mother pretending nothing was wrong, sister stuck in a coma and himself trying to see where he fits in." This is what i want for him. He is closer to his mother than father, but wants his father to notice him. He feels like he hardly fit's in anywhere (like Ken, a villain that I will post about later). Because his father neglected him so much, he wants to do what ever he can to get his attention.

Also: "If you have the events that shape his life then you can better shape his character, so if you say he had three friends then you can also say he was a very trusting person for those he did open up too and that he felt his close friends were more of a family than his family was."

I neglected that part. Seta should feel closer to them because he was able to open up to them more than anyone else (at that time, since he will have a new family, Jasmine and Harold.) Oh and it's just Kai and Mao who are his closest friends.

How about him liking sudoku and being a Buddhist? I'm sure we can say that his motivation is that he feels closer to peace when he prays. Since he's not really able to fit in, he searches within for peace. Plus this could be used to further contrast him and his father, as his father is a man of science and believes in it solely.

The sudoku shows off his intelligence.

Not mention it to anyone? Surely his fellow soldiers would notice if he stays 16 forever

Yeah, that's true. How about the Military makes an excuse for him? Only one I can think of is him consuming a chemical that supposedly caused his body not to age. But then again this seems bogus because then MANY people would want that...unless it was a prototype.

It would be a nice twist for him to reveal it some part into the game.

That's exactly what I'm planning, :wink:

I'm gonna put a full body picture of him in the art analysis part to see how his design can be better made.

I want the characters to be from all over the world. I also want to bring up issues of race, spirituality/religion, and issues/behaviors of society.
 
sondex":1bf7a9ew said:
A monster army, fair enough by why? If this organization wants to control people surely nuking a country or two isn't a problem? Super soldiers vs bombs and nukes, I think nukes win, one cos it's so much less hassle, they're already made and there's no chance of a response from Korea or Russia because you are Korea and Russia. If they're developing super soldiers I think you'll need a more solid reason, maybe so they can put in a new world order where instead of controlling htem through media they assign one super soldier to every 30 people and keep them under lock and key because without such control over people there will always be wrong doers. Something to think about.

The Org is trying to control all of the world. There are some places that even their power doesn't reach. Places are mostly "third world" countries. Places in Africa, Vietnam, etc. That's why there is a war between Japan and Vietnam. Since in the past, America
helped Japan after the atomic bombings, the Org was able to infiltrate it and station itself there. Now it's trying to get to Vietnam. The Org could help the countries, but in exchange they must be allowed to take over.

Cool that makes more sense, but if the country is not as far along as others then surely the modern military of America and Europe would be more than enough to trample a third world army? I think you should look into more of a political situation for this to make super soldiers necessary, maybe people in the third world are looking for their own nuclear solutions and the organization wanna one-up them? Or even their soldiers are just better based on some environmental factor, whenever you go political in a game there's always a degree of bullshit, look at MGS.

sondex":1bf7a9ew said:
How about him liking sudoku and being a Buddhist? I'm sure we can say that his motivation is that he feels closer to peace when he prays. Since he's not really able to fit in, he searches within for peace. Plus this could be used to further contrast him and his father, as his father is a man of science and believes in it solely.

The sudoku shows off his intelligence.

This looks good but what about Shinto religions, I'm not sure which is more popular but it would make him more Japanese than being Bhuddist.

sondex":1bf7a9ew said:
Not mention it to anyone? Surely his fellow soldiers would notice if he stays 16 forever

Yeah, that's true. How about the Military makes an excuse for him? Only one I can think of is him consuming a chemical that supposedly caused his body not to age. But then again this seems bogus because then MANY people would want that...unless it was a prototype.

Umm, for this I guess it's a bit difficult, you can make up some bs about him wearing a mask to protect his identity, who knows it could become a bad pun very late into the game.

sondex":1bf7a9ew said:
I'm gonna put a full body picture of him in the art analysis part to see how his design can be better made.

I want the characters to be from all over the world. I also want to bring up issues of race, spirituality/religion, and issues/behaviors of society.

I'll look out for the picture and as for bringing up racial issues and the like you should be careful, look at Resi 5 and generally from what I've seen when it is brought up it is generally bullshit or they substitute the races with fake ones. I think you should try and put an underlying message rather than trying to go hard, cos when you go hard then you need to have hands on experience.
 
What I want to do is have the environmental factor. I also mentioned Al-Qaeda but I think the nuclear portion of your statement will help explain it more.

About the religion thing, sure, I could look in to the Shinto religion.

I think I'll keep the false explanation about Seta's age, but add that it was a test to get into the SPU, but they gave him the wrong chemical.

I'll look into Resi 5 and I really want to put in an underlying message while having some more noticeable parts of the message in the game.

Thank you so much for looking at my concept thread. There will be plenty more to come.
 

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