WITH THIS DOCUMENT OF INDEPENDENTS, THE MOST IMPORTANT THAT HAS EVER BEEN WRITTEN EVER, WE CAST OUT THE BRITISH AND PANTSED THE FRENCH AND SAID A POLITE "FUCK YOU" TO THE SPANISH. THEY ALL LEFT IMMEDIATELY, IN AN ORDERLY FASHION, BUT WITH VERY SOUR SCOWLS ON THEIR FACES. A COUPLE OF TEARS WERE SHED TOO, AND THE FRENCH WERE SO UPSET THAT THEY DROPPED MOST OF THE BAGUETTES THEY WERE CARRYING.
BUT WHEN DAWN ROSE ON JULY 4TH, 1700 B.C., WE PEOPLE OF THE UNITED STATES AWOKE NOT AS TEA-DRINKING CRABBACKS, BUT AS COFFEE-SLAMMING AMERICANS. STARBUCKS WAS FOUNDED ON THAT VERY DAY, AND THE BOSTON TEA PARTY THREW A BUNCH OF TEA LEAVES INTO THE OCEAN TO CELEBRATE. ALSO THERE WAS SOME CREAM THAT WISCONSIN SENT IN (THEY REALLY DIDN'T HAVE MUCH ELSE TO PROVIDE). TEXAS SENT HOTDOGS AND STEAKS, SO THEY BUSTED OUT THE BIGGEST BARBECUE GRILL ANYONE HAS EVER SEEN AND THOMAS EDISON GRILLED THAT SHIT RIGHT UP AND WAS SO INSPIRED THAT HE THOUGHT UP THE LIGHTBULB THAT VERY DAY. I THINK CALIFORNIA DONATED SOME CILANTRO SO THEY MADE FREEDOM TACOS TOO. THEN CHINA SENT US FIREWORKS BECAUSE THEY WERE SO TOTALLY SCARED OF OUR MIGHT. WE SHOT 'EM OFF AND WERE ALL LIKE "OOH" AND "AHH" AND "UH UH UH UH" BECAUSE MOST OF US WERE GETTING BUSY, NOW THAT BRITAIN WAS NO LONGER TRANSMITTING ITS FERTILITY SUPPRESSION FIELD.
AND SO, BENJAMIN FRANKLIN PROCLAIMED THAT ALL AMERICAN PEOPLE WOULD DRINK STARBUCK'S AND EAT GRILLED FOOD AND WATCH FIREWORKS AND SCREW ON EVERY 4TH DAY OF JULY. AND THE DAY WOULD FOREVER BE KNOWN AS JULY FOURTH, WHICH IS ALSO TODAY.
SO COME, AMERICANS, LET US DRINK STARBUCKS AND EAT GRILLED FOOD AND WATCH FIREWORKS AND SCREW AND BE MERRY.
IF YOU AREN'T AMERICAN, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY STILL BE HAPPY ANYWAY BECAUSE IT'S FUN TO BE HAPPY.
LET'S HEAR WHAT YOU DID ON THIS DAY OF DAYS.
