Funny stories

[durdadan]

Hey hey, Post some Funny stories that happened to you or a friend. I have a few really pathetic ones ':| not all too proud, But it's ok. Share them anyway.

Once upon a time. a few weeks back. I went to a bar with my friend to pick up some ladies. or something like it.
Well i was with my friend mike and we were sitting drinking cause it was cheap drink night after all.
Well the group of girls behind me ended up goofing around and the one dropped her drink. I decided to be the good man i re buy her a drink. I felt like a hero, i talked to her for a good 20-30 minutes before mike wanted to go on the dance floor, and i lost that girl.
Now From that moment on i always was seen with 2 beers in my hand. i was getting a good deal drunk. and decided it would be time to hit on girls. My buddy mike at this point was next to me also looking for a girl to talk to.

Well in my mind i thought "i am going to say to the next girl that is available , "hey didn't i go to school with you?" it would be a good conversation starter"

so i ended up seeing a lonesome girl wandered over in my kinda creepish drunk way i did, and asked if i went to the same school with her.
She kinda looked at me like i was f-ing stupid, she just said no but you bought me a drink like 3 hours ago.

I totally didn't recognize her due to all the gallons of beer coursing through my blood.

To this day mike still brings it up and makes fun of me.

 

[durdadan]

so i guess i am the only person that has had something stupid happen to him

 

[Kraft]

I got one, once in a mcdonalds, me and my dad were eating breakfast there (we were on a trip somewhere) and we had to use the bathroom. The bathroom was situated so that if you walk straight in through the door, on the wall to your right were 2 urinals, and on the left were the sinks, and if you were to do a kinda U-turn thing to your left, the only bathroom stall was on the same wall as the door.
Anyway, me and my dad both went in there, and it stunk sooo bad in there, wow... could not believe it.
There was a person useing the closest urinal, and so my dad went to use the far one. I kinda walked around for a bit, and decided to see if the stall was free. You know how if you glance through the crack between the door and the stall wall, there is a crack? Well I looked through that to see if there was someone in there. And there was... He was staring back at me like he wanted to kill me or something (looked like a hippy, long hair etc...)
It stank so bad in there, so I decided to leave the bathroom and come back a few minutes later when people were gone.
I walked out, and a minute later the guy who had been at the urinal next to my dad came out also.
My dad came out a minute after that and he looked like he was trying really hard to keep a straight face.
What he told me later whas that since the stall door, and thr door outside were so close together, while he was going, he saw out of the corner of his eye me do something. He thought that I went into the stall, but I actually went out.
After the guy left, he thought that it was me and him in there, so he said "Man, you stink dude, you reak!"...
After a minute, the guy in the stall was like "You talking to me?" in a drunken-hoarse voice. My dad was out of there quick, and he told me this while we were standing in the line for food.
And I was watching for the guy to come out of the stall, so I could see him, and we were there for like 15 minutes and he did not come out. I did not go back in, no way!

Kraft

 

[durdadan]

ha ha nice
I got another one, Happened to a friend of mine.
Well we were all sleeping at his place, staying up playing some videogames.
well my buddy chris fell asleep before the rest of us.
well about 30 minutes after Chris fell asleep, he woke up walked upstairs, took a bite out of an apple and threw it down the stairs and it busted up made a big mess. his mom came over and asked him what happened and he told her to hold onto a frog.
he later went back to bed. He woke up and went back into the kitchen in about 20 minutes and shortly came back downstairs. we all fell asleep, we woke up with his mother grabbing chris by the hair and pulling him up into the kitchen.
she screamed at him, and told him to clean up his Piss from under the kitchen sink. continued to scream for a few more minutes. started to walk away, Stopped in her tracks, Turned around and said here is your f-ing frog

 

[KuidonNZ]

Ok then I got one...
It wasn't that funny at the time but now that I think about it was kind of funny...

Me and two of my friends had been out talking about random stuff one night and it was getting pretty dark so we had decided to head home. We all walk of in different directions alone and we saw some dodgy looking guys walk towards where I walk to get home so we waited a couple of minutes to let them get out of the way. When we thought they had gone we all split up in our three different directions. It was about 15 seconds later when I heard strange noise coming form my friend Nicks direction so I yelled out to him “Shut up Nick!â€Â

 

[Norris]

Once upon a time. a few weeks back. I went to a bar with my friend to pick up some ladies. or something like it...

Meh... at least it wasn't as bad as my encounter.

 

[durdadan]

Norris, Nice, But cheer up maybe it was Exlax chocolate because girls can be EVIL!!!!

also once at school i had a large group of friends that went out for lunch, I always liked being somewhere near the front of the group, and that particular day everyone showed up so the side-walk had about 4 rows of 3 people




like that
and i was walking ont he grass to talk to my friends, now i was walking backwards so i could see them too. and i made a remark to my friend about sleeping with his girlfriend or the such, he made a move as to chase me, instinct kicked in i turned around with a hop in my foot to get me start running.
Now i dind't see that there was a Big metal Billboard behind me. i pretty muched Jumped face first into it... and then quickly fell down like a bag of bricks. something you would see in a cartoon, it was pathetic.

 

[KhaoticErase]

WOW, durdadan. Lots of BAD STUFF happens to you and your friends, huh?

One time, my two stupid sisters took me to the creek in the woods behind our backyard because they wanted to show me some "special place". I was wearing sandals, and we had to walk under a bridge through some pretty deep water. When we got back from their boring "Special place", we decided to hit the pool. That's when I saw it. My PINKY TOE had been cut HALF-OFF on a ROCK in a river I later found out came from the hospital and was filled with MEDICAL WASTE... I had to get a tetinus shot, stitches, and use crutches for a week.

 

[arctrooper48]

^sucks...

Since you mentioned the pool, has anyone went pool jousting?
one of my friends has a huge pool, with a deck, 4 rafts, and some water noodles. Him and a few other friends thought of a cool idea. Pool jousting. It was pretty simple to play, all you do is set up two rafts on each side of the pool, and jump onto them and fly across the pool, while pointing the water noodle at the other player.

When it was my turn, I slipped on the deck, right onto the raft and went flying across the pool. I was laying on my back, lost my water noodle (no defence) and BAM! Right in the Danger Zone! I got jousted right were it hurts. Everyone was dying of laughter. I wasn't though...

 

[durdadan]

ha ha, you got hit int he noodle because you lost your noodle

my one buddy was in a hurry to get home and a train was stopped at the train crossing on his way home, he waited a few minutes and then just decided to climb over it. well it started moving. and he lost his balance fell off, and the train ran over and cut off 1 of his toes. The weird part is the toe it cut off, you would think it would be the end toes. But actually it cut off his middle toe. (next to toe-thumb)

also on another note. Never, and i mean NEVER meet someone from the internet, worst experience of my life! i'll get into that shortly, i want a few more posts before i share my horrible story

 

[Rhazdel]

Not really a funny story about your friend's toe, Durdadan....

A friend of mine and I were running through an apple orchard in the middle of the night (playing a game). It was really dark, so we couldn't see very well, but were running full-speed anyway.

I look over just in time to see my friend do what I thought was only possible in a cartoon. He ran face-first into a pole that was sticking out of the ground (it was impossible to see), came to a dead stop from a full sprint, both arms and legs went straight out in front of him and he slowly slid down the pole to the ground.

I felt terrible but I couldn't stop laughing.

 

[durdadan]

ha ha ha thats funny lol
and my story wasn't so much as funny as just a stupid idea on his part.

lets say.... 2 more posts, and i'll tell my Internet dating story

 

[durdadan]

no more funny stories

 

[Norris]

Yesterday as I was getting off my seat in the bus, I heard this god awful tearing sound. The guy in front of me most likely heard as well as I noticed his head tilted a little towards my direction. Sure enough I felt this cool brush of fresh air slide across my ‘boys’. Shit! My pants ripped… And I was just starting my uni classes for the day.

Got up off my seat trying to inconspicuously hide that fact by adjusting my bag to hang a little lower. Walking out, I just had that feeling that everyone could see through my little charade. As I got out and looked at the windows, it seemed as though everyone on the bus was staring at me (that or I was just being overly paranoid).

I avoided stairs as much as possible, sat down wherever I could find an empty seat and had my back always towards the wall. Looking at my conduct for the day, you’d think I was some sort of terrorist, as I was always obsessively checking out who was behind me and turning towards the direction of every laugh I heard just to see if it was directed at me.

Surveyed the damaged once I got home, and it was only a 2-3cm rip.

Awesome day.

 

[durdadan]

lol nice
no one is posting so i might as well post my story

The internet girlfriend
most of you have been told that dating ont he internet is bad because it is a burly man who would sell his soul to rape you. I would have had been lucky if it was my case. Instead i got.... this story

now although i am now, I never used to be skinny, I always used to be a little chunky. By all means not fat. i was 5,6ish and 180 lbs at the time. Around
my Self esteem wasn't all that great. so i decided i should meet a girl off the net. so on MSN profiles i made myself set as single and looking, and i added a picture of myself. and did all that funky stuff to attract girls.
well i got a bite. Someone wanted to talk to me
her name was courtney (if you are reading this i Apologize for nothing) courney and me started talking for a few days before she asked to call me, so being a dumb child i gave her my phone number, and she called me, i guess she thought we had an E-relationship, i of coarse didn't know. To me attention from a girl was awesome, and i also thought she would be good looking, See i never got a picture of her. she told me she didn't have one.
I believed her because back then digital camera's were REALLY expensive and no body really had one, back then people were scanning pictures.about 7 years ago-ish.

well beyond the point.
The local fair in my town is for 2 weeks at the start of september so i decided to go, She told me she wanted to go when i do. so we decided to meet.
I asked her what she looked like, She told me
"Chubby, But muscular."
now what do you think of when you hear chubby but muscular?
to me it's not a bad thing. something like how britany spears was a year ago
this is my Quick reference guide
annorexic
really skinny
skinny
average
chubby
fat
overweight
obese

chubby is not a bad thing
and muscular is a good thing too.
so i wait. Went to the meeting spot, and wait. wait for someone who fits the description in my head.

a feel a rap-a-tap-tapping on my shoulder. as i turn around i am int he Shadow of the beast.
Remember that quick reference guide?
After Obese Add "courtney" she was HUGE , 16 years old, and probably about 400 lbs, I'm honestly surprised she could walk.
"are you dan?"
-"ye....yeah"
"Hi i'm Courtney"
-"uh....hmrrrggghh"
and then she gives my a bear hug which actually knocks the air out of me for a minute. then grabs my hand and tells me in a creepy voice,
"Your mine and i'm never going to let go"
then she drags me around the corner where the Cousin is waiting for her. she brought her God damned Cousin, who was an untalkative little brat.
Now whenever one of them called themselves fat (which happened A LOT, like they were flaunting the damn fact) the other would say no your not and proceed to hit the other one.
What kind of a Red-neck game is this!

She then tells me to go on the Fairest wheel and then whispers to me that she wants me to pleasure her on the top where no one can see us.
i told her i was afraid of heights.
we walked around for a bit and then she mumbled she was hungry. or maybe her stomache growled either way it was fairly faint.
i offered to get some food. Anything to get my hand free and avoid looking at her for a few minutes. At this point I had no appetite. she i offered to pay. BAD IDEA on my behalf she got like $50 of food, 2 big-gulp sized cups of coke, 3 hamburgers , 2 hot dogs, 2 elephant ears, a caramel apple and some free hand candy.

she wanted to go on the fairest wheel again i weaseled my way out of that one and then convinced her to go into the petting zoo part of the fair. and id didn't want to be with her so i ran from 1 animal to the next to avoid the Beast behind me. i could only do that so long before i was tired.
she caught up and grabbed my hand again.
at this point i was almost about to give up.
she told me to go on a ride with her, so she foreced me to go on the Boat ride, which is just a big boat... a big swing goes back and forth, pretty high and pretty fast, But it never goes Upside down.

http://www.houseoftheorangemonkey.co.uk/monkey/hats/images/cviking2.jpg

like that ride in the pic.
Well the ride supervisor has to go from cart to cart to make sure the ride is secure. click, click click, i can hear the rides behind me closing safely. this is it, This is where she is going to Maul me on the ride.
But wait.... The safety bar. Wont close over her Giant Bulbous stomach.

i rode the ride as she waited at the bottom eying me like i was a delicious piece of chicken on a fork.

i claimed to be sick. my father was going to come pick me up at 8 that night, it was about 4 at the time, and i was about to just walk home, i todlk ehr i was going, and she said ok. and then Lunged forward and tried to stick her tongue down my throat.
i backed away

*snap* my mental capacity broke.

"I DON"T F***ING LIKE YOU"
-...
"DON"T CALL ME, DON"T KISS ME, DON"T MESSAGE ME ONLINE, DON"T TALK TO ME"
and then i stormed off

at home that night she called me. Apparently she didn't get the message
"Daniel, you hurt me today, i'm going to kill myself tonight"
-"no don't do it, people care for you"
"aww thank you, you saved my life" (saving a life this easily?)

RING RING , RING RING, RING RING

for the next few weeks, Every day her and her friends were calling me, Thanking me for saving her life. Horrible, i had a group of psychotic fat stalkers.

RING RING , RING RING, RING RING
after about another week or so, i think 3 in total.
i snapped again, told her friends to stop calling me. once and for all i got pissed of.

"dan you hurt me again, i'm going to kill myself tonight"
- "well hurry up and do it, your using all my air"
then i hung up on her, never to talk to her again
i know she is alive though, because she still tried to send me E-mails.
She just doesn't get it!

 

[KuidonNZ]

Lol nice story man.
I tried Internet dating once (via an online game)
But just like real life they avoid me there to. O_o

 

[Kraft]

*stretches hands high above head*
Ahh, well with your avatar couldnt blame ya for not having any girlfriends 8).
[/joke]

Well, heres another funny story.

Me and a couple of friends were paintballing (with some adults as well) and we were playing a game called Civil war, which basically means that you get into 2 groups, walk about a hundred yards away from eachother, line up so that there is a set of 2 parallel lines facing one another, and only shooting one paintball at a time.
Pretty much, the rules were that you could not shoot until your team "commander" said fire. When he says fire, you shoot, and then take a step torards the other team, and wait for the "fire!" again.

well, one of the adults on the other team os a huge guy (his name is doug, I know him really well (my dads friend)) anyway, he had a spider automatic gun (hehe) and he was the team captain of that team.

On our team, before we started (while we were walking to our spot) everyone agreed that we would all shoot at him first.

So when we started, he got nailed like 8 times... all in the chest and head.

Him being the size he was, that didnt even hurt him that much.

anyway, he sat down (you sit down when you are out) and after almost all of his teammates were out (and my team was all still in (we were playing vitals, so you get shot in the leg or arm, you are not out)) he decided to even the odds...

He flipped his gun to automatic, and mowed us down.

It was funny to watch, because I could see him, and I was on one of the ends of the line, and he started shooting the people at the other end first, and strafed over towards me.

Our team all went down pretty quick. We were only about 60 feet away from him.

I got hit 3 times, and everyone else got hit at least once.

it was freaking funny though, to see my team fall over one by one towards me, and I knew that I was next!

I couldnt even crouch, or dive or anything, because I was looking at them, and trying to shoot doug at the same time (I hit him quite a few times before I was hit )

By the end of the game, I was hit 4 times, and doug... well.. we tried to count how many times he was hit... more than 30 times anyway. (his shirt was all different colors)

And he was wearing a short sleeved T-shirt!

 

[durdadan]

lol so it was like DOminoes ha ha

a lot of my bad experiences and stories are on dates, One time i was drunk and i really liked this girl from work. who was at my house during a party. and we went into my room for a bit i was all happy. and she pulls out her Lipgloss, and gets some on her lips, and then as a joke asks if i want some, I said yes. as she hands me the container i said
"you have some on your lips don't you"
she hastily replied "no dan i'm too drunk"
it's a good thing i dindn't kiss her, she puked in my bathroom, all over the floor

 

[candle]

Every once in a while, I will put my foot in my mouth, and it always seems to happen in band. Our director was at a conference, so we were allowed to do almost anything as long as we were in the band room. I convinced a few friends of mine to playnever, never with me (we put down fingers instead of doing shots because A. we're underage, and B. we were in school.)

So, I was idiot enough to say that I'd never dated a straight person before when it was my turn. Every one went quiet for a moment before everyone, including me, started cracking up. Once everyone calmed down, I exlplained that my girlfriend at the time (now my ex) was bi.

 

[Fafnir]

One of my friends took my seat on the bus once(I'm essentially her bitch -_-), so I'm standing near the door(there is a small set of stairs and a pole and stuff, I was leaning on the pole). Anyway, she's talking to another person near the where I am(she gets up so her boyfriend can sit... something like that, whatever the reason, it doesn't pretain to the story). Now, being me, I make a stupid comment(not sure what it was about), and she elbows me. Now, usually, this wouldn't be a big deal(actually, it would. For someone so small, she's quite strong... wouldn't think such a violent little person was possible. Just don't tell her I said that:D ), but since she was on a stair, and I was at normal level(and I'm quite tall), she hit me right between the legs. And quite hard. So, I'm just going through agony right now(I looked like a poledancer, because I almost fell, and was just grabbing on to stop myself from falling), and I'm doing this in front of everyone on the bus. Not the most flattering of times, that's for sure.

Another funny story with the same person, there's a strange noise in an empty room, and someone mentions ghosts(I SWEAR, it was not me!). Being all curious and all, her and a few others go up and look in the room, checking to see what made it. Me, being the prick I am(and a sneaky one at that), sneaks up behind them, and... BOO! Punch right to the sternum, knocked the wind right out of me and knocked me down. Once again, beaten up by a tiny girl in front of my entire class.