Fallen Heroes (RPG), Critique my story?

[lilpiggy]

Here we go, the story will have a familiar ring to it, however if you are actually reading this you will have to wait till im done.


Here is my game story pitch:

It starts out with a great hero, who is depressed and sick of fighting and war. He is one day called for war by a larger nation against his will. Finally he has no choice but to leave for war, as he says goodbye to his wife and children. He boards this ship and it takes off for (whatever country). However his entire ship is completely destroyed by some unknown force. The ship is wrecked, he is the last one alive as he passes out on a piece of debris. Eventually he awakens on a beach, unarmed and unaware. He makes his way through a harsh desert untill he is captured by savages. He is taken to the chief and the chief strips the protagonist of his strength. We find the protagonist to have blacked out, and is now in a cage with a couple other prisoners. This is where you meet the first party member.  :dead:

Does it sound a little like the "Odyssey?" Plus there will be a couple bits similar to a movie... ("Gladiator" maybe?)

EXPLANATION OF WHAT IS WHAT:

Each hero has the name of a great hero. For example: The warrior is named Gilgamesh or something :lol:

Also every major character will be a fallen hero, hence the name

There will be a couple cameos for fun. The main idea though is that this is a serious game, but it will have a bit of comedy in it.

Maybe some rick rolling? Besides that though, i need to know if i need to work on any of the story or if you liked it. I doubt i could ever finish the game either  :smoke: (too much ambition?)

 

[Grathea]

OK, first things first.

Your story is fairly cliched. The fact that you mention it's quite similar to something, and take your inspiration by referencing something else that's already been made, isn't all that great. Plus, the Odyssey was set long before Spartacus' rebellion. Something to keep in mind.
Also, naming your characters with the same names as the heroes of history's epics is interesting, albeit a little cliched, but you've GOT to have some kind of consistency. You wouldn't have someone named Gilgamesh living in the same place as someone named Odysseus living in the same place as someone named Sigurd the Dragon Slayer. It just doesn't make sense.

If you somehow adapt it to make it so that it's set in some kind of afterlife, where all these fallen heroes go when they die, that might make more sense, but again, deal with it with some kind of caution mixed with common sense.

Also, I'd recommend finding someone experienced in writing comedy, if you want to put it in. Because rick rolling isn't funny, and if you think it is, I doubt we'll find the rest of your jokes funny either.

And also, if you don't ever plan to finish the game, what's the damn point of posting here? Have some heart, kid. It'll be good for you.

And of COURSE you need to work on the story. This is a blatant summarization of a blurb with pop-culture references thrown in for good measure, not a story.
Look at some of the other projects here - take SAMMAEL for instance. The story is quite well established.
Try and fix this up!
-Gratheo

 

[lilpiggy]

well, im fully devastated. I wasnt saying i was really planning on putting the rick roll in... but i get where you are going with the whole part about characters. I'm thinking i should make the story revolve around these legends instead of actually bringing those heroes in. To tell the truth though, I really just want to see what people think about my work, if I really do want to get serious. However, I think I will hold off on the pop culture references... To the comedy part... well, I have a fascination for comedy, whether im very funny or not is up to other people, however the biggest thing in comedy and I should know this is the expressions people have, such as in the way they talk or the face they make. I doubt I can do that with RPG maker, mostly because my drawing on the computer is a lost cause. thanks for helping at the very least tho