Repost of something I wrote years ago and posted at .net. Seemed appropriate given the resurgance of a console fanboy thread.
WARNING: The following is meant for humor purposes only. This is not intended as a portrayal of real people or situations.
Let?s take a look at the fascinating creatures that populate the battlefields of the next generation console wars:
The Rabid Fanboy (fanboius rabidus)
This feisty little creature has picked his console and will back it to the bitter end. And after, witness the numerous rabid fanboys still bemoaning the loss of the Sega platform. Come rain, shine, or bankruptcy, this tenacious beastie will be in the front lines, taking it to the enemy.
Common Habitat: Anywhere the next gen consoles are being discussed
Mating Call: Depends on species, but "Halo!" and "Zelda!" are very common
How to Find One: Say anything disparaging about any console. They?ll pop out of the woodwork faster than you can sneeze.
The Disillusioned Fanboy (fanboius disilusionus)
This dispirited animal is an evolutionary off branch of the Rabid Fanboy. Once a console?s most loyal supporter, he has seen too much of the cold, hard reality of the Console War to continue.
Common Habitat: Console forums, where they were once active, but now rarely post
Mating Call: "I used to believe that, but?"
How to Find One: You can spot one, but catching one requires restoring their faith in corporations. In other words, you can?t.
The Flagship Fanboy (fanboius bannerous)
This animal moves in flocks, following their favorite game/series/developer from platform to platform. They have no loyalty to any one console.
Common Habitat: Fan and official sites of their chosen games
Mating Call: Varies by species, but common ones include "pwned!" and "Sephiroth is sooo uber cool!"
How to Find One: See Rabid Fanboy. Phrases like ?Halo was uninspired? and ?Final Fantasy VII was overrated? are sure to land you some specimens
The Techspec Geek (techiuos geekus)
This intelligent little animal does his research, and awards his loyalty to the console with the best hardware. His loyalties may change without notice. Although they are sometimes mistaken for fanboys, they are actually a convergent evolution of the technophile genus.
Common Habitat: Anywhere consoles are being discussed
Mating Call: Anything about megabytes or graphics cards
How to Find One: Just post or publish something inaccurate about the specs of a console. One will find you.
The Fanboy Predator (fanboius vore)
This well-armed creature is a divergent evolution of the fanboius disilusionus, and exists to attack and destroy fanboys of any variety. Sometimes will work in packs to take down particularly stubborn prey.
Common Habitat: Anywhere fanboys can be found
Mating Call: "Facts, people, facts."
How to Find One: Stake out a fanboy. The scent will draw them.
The Bewildered Bystander (clulis sidelinus)
This poor little beast doesn?t know which way to run. He just stands there and gets trampled by the other Console Wars critters. Bystanders only want to have a little fun, maybe play a game or two, and have no idea why everyone is up in arms over all of this.
Common Habitat: Anywhere
Mating Call: ?Um, I have $300, should I buy an xBox or a Gamecube??
How to Find One: You don?t have to. You probably ran over a dozen on your way to this thread.
WARNING: The following is meant for humor purposes only. This is not intended as a portrayal of real people or situations.
Let?s take a look at the fascinating creatures that populate the battlefields of the next generation console wars:
The Rabid Fanboy (fanboius rabidus)
This feisty little creature has picked his console and will back it to the bitter end. And after, witness the numerous rabid fanboys still bemoaning the loss of the Sega platform. Come rain, shine, or bankruptcy, this tenacious beastie will be in the front lines, taking it to the enemy.
Common Habitat: Anywhere the next gen consoles are being discussed
Mating Call: Depends on species, but "Halo!" and "Zelda!" are very common
How to Find One: Say anything disparaging about any console. They?ll pop out of the woodwork faster than you can sneeze.
The Disillusioned Fanboy (fanboius disilusionus)
This dispirited animal is an evolutionary off branch of the Rabid Fanboy. Once a console?s most loyal supporter, he has seen too much of the cold, hard reality of the Console War to continue.
Common Habitat: Console forums, where they were once active, but now rarely post
Mating Call: "I used to believe that, but?"
How to Find One: You can spot one, but catching one requires restoring their faith in corporations. In other words, you can?t.
The Flagship Fanboy (fanboius bannerous)
This animal moves in flocks, following their favorite game/series/developer from platform to platform. They have no loyalty to any one console.
Common Habitat: Fan and official sites of their chosen games
Mating Call: Varies by species, but common ones include "pwned!" and "Sephiroth is sooo uber cool!"
How to Find One: See Rabid Fanboy. Phrases like ?Halo was uninspired? and ?Final Fantasy VII was overrated? are sure to land you some specimens
The Techspec Geek (techiuos geekus)
This intelligent little animal does his research, and awards his loyalty to the console with the best hardware. His loyalties may change without notice. Although they are sometimes mistaken for fanboys, they are actually a convergent evolution of the technophile genus.
Common Habitat: Anywhere consoles are being discussed
Mating Call: Anything about megabytes or graphics cards
How to Find One: Just post or publish something inaccurate about the specs of a console. One will find you.
The Fanboy Predator (fanboius vore)
This well-armed creature is a divergent evolution of the fanboius disilusionus, and exists to attack and destroy fanboys of any variety. Sometimes will work in packs to take down particularly stubborn prey.
Common Habitat: Anywhere fanboys can be found
Mating Call: "Facts, people, facts."
How to Find One: Stake out a fanboy. The scent will draw them.
The Bewildered Bystander (clulis sidelinus)
This poor little beast doesn?t know which way to run. He just stands there and gets trampled by the other Console Wars critters. Bystanders only want to have a little fun, maybe play a game or two, and have no idea why everyone is up in arms over all of this.
Common Habitat: Anywhere
Mating Call: ?Um, I have $300, should I buy an xBox or a Gamecube??
How to Find One: You don?t have to. You probably ran over a dozen on your way to this thread.