Calm before the Storm

[Boxboy]

This was actually part of a larger story, however my old laptop (Win 3.1) decided to die. I only managed to salvage the first part of the story in its original glory. Please keep in mind this was written about five years ago. I like to think I've improved a bit since then.

This was the first in an epic series of four stories. As usual, my reach far exceeded my grasp, and I quickly lost interest and turned to various other activities. Calm before the Storm was a tale of a great war between Science and Magic... ruined by my war of Creativity and Attention Span. Meh.

Spoiler

The Blue Parrot was a perfect place...if you wanted to lose your life. Maybe ‘misplace’ a few fingers, lose most of your teeth, or even have your legs bend the wrong way. Yes, the Blue Parrot was a cesspool of depravity; a gathering place for thieves, murderers, and other half-human denizens with twisted (or at least misplaced, if at all) moralities. Of course, there are always a few brave souls, albeit foolish ones, who dare to venture into the depths of corruption. Currently, there were two such gentlemen seated at one of the back tables, trying to avoid the bouncer’s glare. The two gents dared not speak above a low whisper, although the crude ‘songs’ were loud enough to drown out shrill screams.

“Marrak, why in the Abyss did you bring me here?â€

 

[OS]

Well, I don't know about every one else here, but I think it's rather good. Aside from a few redundant terms in the beginning and the awkward phrase 'Currently, there were,' I was very much enjoying this. This is well written with absolutely great vocabulary. I really felt like was reading a book from my school library, and that makes me so happy. I wish you good luck in your writing career, and with this story, if you decide to finish it.

Peace.

~Owen Sael

 

[Surmuck]

Comments on individual parts can be found in the spoiler below Do devour.

Spoiler

The Blue Parrot was a perfect place...if you wanted to lose your life. Maybe ‘misplace’ a few fingers, lose most of your teeth, or even have your legs bend the wrong way.

Well, in my personal opinion - this whole line is kind of cheesy. Almost takes on a kid-type tone with the 'misplace a few fingers' bit + lose most of your teeth. Also, I think you meant 'bent the wrong way'. I suppose it does work both ways though.

Yes, the Blue Parrot was a cesspool of depravity; a gathering place for thieves, murderers, and other half-human denizens with twisted (or at least misplaced, if at all) moralities.

Overusage of the word misplaced at this point. However, the sentence is strong enough.

f course, there are always a few brave souls, albeit foolish ones, who dare to venture into the depths of corruption.

You just stated everyone in the Blue Parrot has dabbled in corruption. While I can TELL what you meant, it wasn't without a double take. Do revise.

Currently, there were two such gentlemen seated at one of the back tables, trying to avoid the bouncer’s glare. The two gents dared not speak above a low whisper, although the crude ‘songs’ were loud enough to drown out shrill screams.

Towards the end the clarity of this sentence falls apart with the 'crude songs' onwards. Do revise.

“Marrak, why in the Abyss did you bring me here?â€

 

[Boxboy]

Wow. Thanks for the bit-by-bit review. Rewrite City, here I come...