Blackfire Story

[Flickayy]

Hi i would like some feedback on the story to my game. Anything you think i should add to make it better, any details i may have missed.

Spoiler: Story

Evala, a world comprised of four great kingdoms; Valmasca, Nurthrina,
Dothmono and Lystania. War has been waging for the past fourteen years. The
smallest kingdom, Lystania, has been one of the most affected, losing half of
it's population since the war started. The King of Lystania, devastated by the
destruction of his kingdom, turns to one of the most powerful items of magic to
help free his kingdom. The Blackfire.

Nobody knows how the Blackfire was created, Legend has it that the Gods created
the Blackfire to enable communication with them, but at a significant cost.

The King of Lystania used the Blackfire, and contacted the Gods, who grant him
twelve warriors, who boast tremendous speed and skill, on the condition that when
the war is over, the King's life ends. The King named these warriors, The Black
Knights Of Lystania.

Two years have past since then, and the power of the Black Knights finally forced
the other kingdoms to surrender. The King of Lystania, knowing that he had little
time left, split the Blackfire into four pieces and gave each kingdom one piece as
a form of peace treaty.

Thanks for your time and feedback :thumb:

 

[Love]

Not bad although way too cliched. The war theme with the "powerful item" saving the day is really old and much used. But overall, it seems that the story is developed well and nothing is missing.

But I am wondering. If peace is all nice and back to the kingdoms, what is the purpose of the game?

(Oh btw, just noticed. This should be in Concept Development.)

 

[Frodo]

The Blackfire? You have some really fantastic names for kingdoms and you come up with blackfire?

 

[Flickayy]

Thanks you for your comments.

@Love

I understand its cliche but it was so hard to move away from the cliche area of RPG's. Also, as the game proceeds very early on in the game..actually in a cutscene, a nice little twist happens...but i dont want to ruin the game :P

@Frodo

Well blackfire, sounded good at the time, plus it is the title of the game, and its the name of a crystal. IF you have any better names then please tell me.

Oh and sorry for putting it in the wrong section :sad:

 

[Love]

Oh it is very hard to move away from cliches but yours is WAY too cliched. I mean, the story of a war and a great power stopping it is VERY old and VERY cliched. It's a major cliche, not a minor. Minor ones are ok, but those overused ones are really cliched and not many will play it if it becomes a game one day.

Just being honest. :/

 

[Flickayy]

OK, thanks for your comment, looks like ill have to re-write some of it to make it a bit less cliche.

But thanks for pointing that out :grin:

 

[blakependragon]

no, not really. being cliche is not a bad thing. after all people use it so much because it's good and what works. the most important thing is that you develop a good story and characters. and a simple prologue that's cliche doesn't mean your entire game has to be, believe me.

actually i'm more interested in what happens next, cause as someone said where does it go from there? i'm guessing that's the 'great cost' part. because 1 king to stop a 14 year war is pebbles.
twists are great too. maybe the black knights are war mongars and can't stop even after they brought peace. maybe they try to 'rule' the people so a war won't start again.

from the description i can give of my game everyone thinks it's cliche because there are 7 crystals that you're going after. but it's WAY more than that, and not the old 'you must collect 7 crystals to save the world'. course it helps that it's a time traveling game :haha:

 

[Flickayy]

Lol ok, ill shed some light on what happens next.


A member of the black knights as you said blakependragon turn Power Hungry and Sets out to put the four shards of the Blackfire Crystal back together. You find out later in the game that he is Riya's brother....

But at the moment im still trying to think of things, as this is just the story, i have two character profiles.

So if anyone is willing to lend some ideas. then that would be wonderful :thumb:

 

[blakependragon]

i love ideas here are some random ones.
i (and i think the others) assume the game starts after your story, but it could start close to the end of the war in Lystania. all hope seems lost then the king goes to find the blackfire. maybe you have to escort him,
or he sends a small group of trusted soldiers (including you) to bring back the blackfire. so the player thinks once they get it the war will be over and that's the game. (hence making fun of the cliche of go find the crystal and the game ends)
maybe if the crystal is destroyed the knights don't loose their power... so the knight is hunting down shards destroying them, but that sets (insert bad thing here) into effect, so you have to try and stop him.
another interesting bit would to make the player one of the knights

and here are questions to think on;
it depends on what you want the role of knights and crystal to play. does the crystal only communicate? or does it do other things?

what happens to the warriors after the war is over? seeing as the gods sent them and they're super strong, are they allowed to roam about? what is their motives? is there a clause that they get destroyed when all is at peace, so they don't wanna be destroyed?
or you said one of them is a brother, so they're average joes the gods gave power to? then we're back to they loose that power right? :grin:

(i also keep thinking it would be interesting to have the main character be one of these knights)

 

[MCsephiroth13]

:shock: Holy crap! This sounds almost exactly like the game I'm making! :shock:

That's weird. Did you eat my soul and steal my ideas, Legacy? lol

 

[blakependragon]

that's why it's called cliche :lol:

 

[Flickayy]

No i didnt... but its a good storyline. xD