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Apocalyptica----Is this a good story line?

Do not use this story line its for my game!!!
Thank u

Centuries have come and gone taking with them memories and events that have made the world what it is today. Humans have always taken for granted the environment and world around them and the way that they live life. Many animals and humans alike have suffered and died due to the irresponsibility of human action. This is where our story begins. The council of elders are the guardians of the world and universe alike, they work to maintain complete homeostasis and equality between all civilizations. They have been studying earth growing weary of the pit that the planet has been falling into. When the 12th century began they made a compact to give earth one hundred years to change their ways or to suffer the consequences of their actions. As they anticipated the humans of earth did not change and for this they will suffer. The council of elders have sent down Pandora's to exterminate the human populace and bring homeostasis. The Pandora's are the spirits of the universe who live only to serve the elders, they contain the power to posses any organism. No one has ever seen the Pandora's in their true form.
43 years have passed since the purification of Earth began. Trenton, a young farm boy has worked with his family to keep their lives, always showing good gestures and helping people. Until one day when Trenton’s parents lives were taken were taken by the Pandora's . This loss devastated Trenton and changed his life forever. After learning of their death he ventured into the Teor mountains, a forbidden and evil area of Gastensa, where only the crazy and insane travel. While in the mountains he discovered a shrine, old and worn by age. Naturally he studied the ruins when he found a small opening into the shrine. Not being able to sleep out of fear he went inside the shrine hoping it would provide protection for a nights rest. As he crawled in he discovered a sword at the end of a tunnel. It was like nothing he had ever seen before, glowing with a blue aura. He picked up the sword and as if it was hot a mark appeared on his hand that resembled a burn except for it being blue in color. Scared and worried he placed the sword in his pack and ran out of the shrine.
Trenton walked through the mountains, the moment he found the sword playing over and over again in his head. The day was coming to a close when Trenton heard rustling in the bushes, out of instinct he grabbed for his sword, forgetting what happened earlier and stared out at the bush watching for any movement. Then two people popped out. These were no ordinary people, they were from the village Bushag. Not too far from Trenton’s own village. Immediately they related, not just on their place of origin but also by the events that had taken place. They had both found a shrine similar to Trenton’s but the girl, whose name is Alex, was branded with a red mark on her hand when she touched a Scythe, while her brother, Jake, had a white mark when he touched a broadsword. They stood up the whole night conversing, talking about how their lives were not so different. Alex and Jake’s village was also destroyed but they were able to flee. They then realized that this was not coincidence. It was destiny for them to meet. Now they have all agreed to stop the Pandora's and there ELders! They have set out and are ready for anything...
 
Ok, so we have Billy Bob Jones in his Hillybilly clothing saving the world. Eggcellent. Oh, and his parents died too. How ORIGINAL.

Oh wait wait wait, methinks this is the secret of mana... no wait wait, this is Apocalyptica. I see...
Oh a mark on the HAND! OHHOHOHOOHO!

How original!

You could sell this idea for millions of dollars!

not
Also, it belongs to Concept Developement subforum
 
Yeah so unlike Justin let me actually tell you something worthwhile. The story isn't bad, the premise was good but it seems like you descended into the usual cliché story that an rpg goes for, I was hoping for some super futuristic planet hopping awesomeness and I end up with a farmer boy and swords :huh:. You could take what you have in another direction and go for space as your setting instead of the 14th century, it'll be a lot more interesting to make and play and you could have some secret hidden alien race behind the shrines and weapons (that should become lightsabers and laser guns), you're really limiting yourself if you go for 14th century earth when you have a premise for world hopping a few lines behind.
 
Yeah, maybe I'm not too constructive, BUT SOMEONE FINALLY SAID JUSTIN WHOHOOO!

Kay whatever.
Yeah, I thought the story is going to be cool but the "boy" broke my heart.

Once again, a good story turns into a generic game
 
I'm sorry, Teor mountains? A BLUE mark on his hand? Come on! Eragon was already a copy with cliche storyline, now you're just stealing elements from it!
 
ebhz.Ash.4rm":2rikbxud said:
Yeah so unlike Justin let me actually tell you something worthwhile. The story isn't bad, the premise was good but it seems like you descended into the usual cliché story that an rpg goes for, I was hoping for some super futuristic planet hopping awesomeness and I end up with a farmer boy and swords :huh:. You could take what you have in another direction and go for space as your setting instead of the 14th century, it'll be a lot more interesting to make and play and you could have some secret hidden alien race behind the shrines and weapons (that should become lightsabers and laser guns), you're really limiting yourself if you go for 14th century earth when you have a premise for world hopping a few lines behind.

I'm pretty much with this. And, to take it up a further notch, maybe make your Council some form of alien race? Maybe something along the lines of the Celestial Hosts in the Silver Surfer? Like Galactus and stuff. Plus the "No one has seen the Pandora's true form" really lends itself to that well.
 
Apocalyptica rocks! When I first saw the tread i thought this would be some cool post-apocalyptic sci-fi story with apocalyptica music playing in the background, but I get this.

This is quote cliched as far as i can see. A kid from hicktown leaves his town after his parents are killed and goes on a journey set by destiny? Really.

You adding inappropriate apostrophes in Pandoras also makes my eyes sore.

This is not worthy of the awesomeness to hold the name of the metallica-playing group of rock cellists, sorry.
 
Alright guys, cool it a little. If your criticism is not constructive, don't bother posting it. I'm getting close to locking this thread because some of the replies have been very spammy. At least let the OP respond.

Metatron, that comment was excessive, don't you think? That's not the kind of comment that should be posted in Concept Dev.
 
I'm sorry if my previous comment came off as rude, but the name offended me once I read the story quite honestly.

Lemme try to be more constructive:

Tell us more about the Elders and the Pandoras. The first paragraph, while could have set up an awesome game, was very inspecific and lacked any detail to be seen. What exactly did people do to warrant the Elders sending the pandoras? And if they are spirits of the universe, why would they have a true form to speak of in the first place?

Pandora's
Check your grammars. Don't add apostrophes for plural words.

43 years have passed since the purification of Earth began.
At least it's not a round number.

Teor mountains, a forbidden and evil area of Gastensa
hot a mark appeared on his hand that resembled a burn except for it being blue in color
Sound a bit like eragon if you ask me.

Immediately they related, not just on their place of origin but also by the events that had taken place. They had both found a shrine similar to Trenton’s but the girl, whose name is Alex, was branded with a red mark on her hand when she touched a Scythe, while her brother, Jake, had a white mark when he touched a broadsword. They stood up the whole night conversing, talking about how their lives were not so different. Alex and Jake’s village was also destroyed but they were able to flee. They then realized that this was not coincidence. It was destiny for them to meet. Now they have all agreed to stop the Pandora's and there ELders! They have set out and are ready for anything...
Destiny? At least there's no prophecy. It sounds kind of corny and cliché, but if it works...

Really this needs more actual info about what happens for there to be much comments other than "Ooh cliché" and "I expected a sci-fi game". You've given us the very beginning, nothing more, so we can't tell you much more. You have a plot twist? How are we supposed to know? Who are your characters, what happens after the three kids meet up?

I would recommend changing the title, it really doesn't fit at all.
 

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