An insightful poem, if not an attempt at so

[MukanshinBlack]

Was bored and hearing Nas and ended up writing a poem.


No idea's original,
there's nothing new under the sun;
tasks are all repetitional,
what's started is already done.

Pessimistic thoughts discover life,
and optimistic thoughts become dreams;
which one of the couple causes strife,
and when put in practice truly gleams?

Discarding this train of thought,
originality naught.

 

[serrated_colon]

I quite like this poem. I mean, in terms of it's actual execution it could use some work, but I really like the premise. Structurally, it's great. Seriously, from start to end it sticks to the point. The ending isn't as explicit as the first two stanzas but that is a good thing! So yeah, I quite like it. Now time for some hard crits:

No idea's original,
there's nothing new under the sun;
tasks are all repetitional,
what's started is already done.

What I like about this is because in terms of WHAT KIND of idea that the poem is talking about, it doesn't specify; but the third line would suggest something either targeted at enjoyment(like a game, with the use of "tasks") or actually related to life(like the improvement of a workforce suggested by employers, the repetitive nature of a job). I also like that it isn't presented in an immature way, each word actually fits the bill in terms of putting across the point! But, in terms of pace it's not as good. What you've done is an ABAB rhyme scheme, which is consistent. You also have an iambic tetrameter, which is nice to see from this forum. But, the use of the word "repetitional" I personally think is an OVERLOAD of words, and the line should be refined to be a bit more consistent!
Will post more later.

 

[MukanshinBlack]

Lol thanks for the post...  I was never too good at making poems, although last time I tried one was over an year ago.  I don't know the correct words like iambic tetrameter or the ABAB rhyme, although after I started I remembered some things about it.  I tried to make every line have the same amount of syllables as the others, although I think by making too much - 8, 9, 7 - and felt that made the rhymes less then what they could have been.  And yes, I went through many words for the perfect fit.  ^_^
I may update/edit the poem later.  Not anytime soon though. -_-