Alone

[xinrua]

                            Alone
                     Written By: Xinrua

   I am waiting at a park for someone.

              But, who am I waiting for?

              I feel lost.
                         
              I stand and call for someone.

              But, who am I calling?

              I feel sad.

              I sit on the grass floor.

              I look for a someone.

              Who am I looking for?

              I feel tired.

              I grasp for help.

              But what can help.

              I thought of someone.
                           
              But who was it?
                   
              Was it me?

              I fell to the ground.
                             
              I was alone.

 

[mawk]

We'll keep our crit (and other crits) civil, if that's what you mean by "nice crit only." If you're asking us to only say nice things about your poetry, I hope you know by now that we really don't operate that way. You can't improve on praise alone. :x

Personally, I'm not that much of a poetry aficionado (meaning that I can't give very much good critique that isn't reeking of opinion,) but I'm generally a fan of blank verse... Usually because the poets use the extra freedom that the lack of a rhyming scheme gives them to perform some amazing feats of wordplay -- I like wordplay.

This poem is fairly straightforward, pretty melodramatic, and doesn't seem to be saying much at all. That is, it seems to suffer from the same problem as a lot of stuff I've seen here recently -- it follows the cookie-cutter "I am sad" poem template. I've seen all these metaphors used at least fifty times before, and they don't come together very well. The lines are incoherent and don't seem to follow anything but your stream of consciousness as you try to think of metaphors for loneliness.

Since apparently I'm awful at getting my point across at certain hours of night, here's a list of the thoughts I managed to take away from reading this:

- okay, you're sad.

- um, what?

Maybe I'm being a little too broad with my definitions, but to me this is just generic emo poetry, except without any of the imagery or wordplay that I sometimes find.

As I've said, the above criticism reeks of opinion, and should not be taken over the word of someone who actually knows a thing or two about poetry.

Then again, I don't know poetry, but I know what I like~

 

[holloway]

[Nice Crit ONLY! ]

Sorry no way- if you want a reply-less thread then this is setting you up for one as, to be frank, this isn't a good poem.

Poetry, to be pretentious for a moment, is an expressive tool. As with all tools it needs a purpose. It needs to go somewhere, teach something, explain something or simply explain something. With your piece you've managed to do nothing, give me nothing, explain nothing and have, therefore, not done anything.

I'll give an example:

I am alone.
Who am I?
Who are you?
I was alone

Whilst the attempt is made to move from "am alone" -> "was alone" it just isn't sufficient as there isn't the supporting 'cast' or 'objects' for us to draw a conclusion from this.

Moving on from this, you cannot (as the Robot Devil put it) simply state your feelings- this makes me angry. Feelings are not black and white- you always have that nagging feeling of doubt, curiosity of what could have been or satisfaction of something. Perhaps when your poem is built on the base of such repeated statements of emotion, it is not surprising that the overall result is poor.

Finally, the questions. Dear lord, why do so many 13-16 year olds feel the need to fill their poetry with unanswerable questions with no real reasoning behind it. In another life, this was a poem based around the issues a husband is feeling to a wife he knows has been unfaithful. In this other life, the first two questions, when phrased slightly less melodramatic, would be a powerful point. In this life, however, they read like something out of a shitty Final Fantasy Seven fangame.

Postscript: I trust this structure was just you trying to make it stand out? Otherwise, it doesn't work in pervading a sense of aloneness. I can't tell you whether this is an issue with the structure itself or simply just blinkering caused by the poem.

Post postscript:

I take a lighter drink
I take an antifreeze drink
and you simply warn me
of not mixing drinks

 

[xinrua]

Thank you for the comments!

I'll edit it!

 

[holloway]

Oh yes because that is really going to help.

Quite why you posted something without the intention of development or feedback is beyond me. If you just want a shallow bit of idolism then don't post it here.

"and as I said it was written whenI was 15..."
That means nothing. You would not post it if you thought it was bad.

 

[xinrua]

ok same thign with the other thread....
I am going to lend some courtsy now...
instead of being an upbeat ass hole...
sorry...